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It has been almost two years since I began to accept and explore my crossdressing. I have been on something of a quest to understand why I do it and what it means about me. I know, the why is not important, but no matter how often I tell myself that I still ask the question.
I have been trawling my childhood memories for insight, to see when this first be came a part of my life, when I first became aware of it and what I did to repress it for so long.
I grew up in a family with no strongly defined gender roles, so I had plenty of freedom to express my self in that respect. When I was a little kid I would be just as happy doing embroidery projects as building a tree house, picking and arranging flowers as going fishing. I would receive equal encouragement in whatever I did. Until I was about 6 i had roughly equal numbers of male and female friends.
It was around the age of 10 that friends of the family would comment that I looked or sounded like my Mum and I think it was around this time that I began to make a conscious effort to emulate male role models. I am fortunate that I had good male role models. I remember studying how men walked, how they stood, the words and expressions they used. I stopped associating with female friends, and if I did, I would say they were my girlfriend.
I was pretty successful in my endeavour to be a real man, I like to think I did a good job anyway. However that repressed femininity kept tugging at me with this urge to dress and express this feminine side that I was trying so hard to snuff out.
Two years ago I was starting to build a small collection of femme clothing, but I was hiding it all from my wife. The secret became too much, it was driving a wedge between us and it was impacting my mental health. I had to either tell her, or watch my life spiral out of control. I have written before about telling my wife, so I wont go into details again here. Suffice to say she was supportive, but not very enthusiastic. Being out at home has allowed me the freedom to explore without shame and fear and I have come a long way in two years.
So what have I figured out? well after all this my question still is why??
I think the answer is that I am transgender. I know there are various takes on what exactly that means and it is often used as an umbrella term that includes crossdressing and folks that are transitioning. I believe that my brain, or the parts responsible for identity are essentially female, but I have trained myself to be male, with only partial success. I am essentially a female mind in a male body. However, I do not experience the dysphoria that so many transgender people suffer. I am comfortable in this body and comfortable with my male identity… most of the time. My life is built around being male, my wife married a man and my children need a father. However, I have learned that it is very important and essential for my mental health to also express my femininity. I have adopted a dual gender lifestyle that satisfies what society expects of me and what my family need from me while also respecting my feminine identity and what I need to feel whole and healthy. This seems to be working out reasonable well.
I accept that this may change over time because change is a natural part of being human. The important thing is to be aware of changes and adapt to them.
Hoping this helps others,
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