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There are many folx I know who have walked away from their male self in the discovery of their femme self. For them, it becomes crystal clear which side of the fence they came from all along. They recognize how foreign the other side of that fence feels for them. I get it. And I’m SOOOO happy for all of you!
Then I look at myself, one of many folx who are not willing to decide which side of the fence they’re going to land on. With that “indecision” comes the feeling of invalid or illegitimate.
This is probably my greatest source of dysphoria! LOL
No, I could name several more, but I am frequently (though less and less as I get to experience my true self as genderfluid) confronting myself with this question: “which side of the fence are you going to choose?”
What if there IS no fence?
I remember driving from Germany into France in 2006. The terrain began to become barren and desolate, though green and lush with healthy grass. No sign of civilization but for the highway that began to widen into more lanes. This was the border crossing. On both sides of the highway were the timbers erected in x-shaped stands once holding rows and rows of concertina wire that had long been removed when the EU was formed. The guard shacks were gone, merely their foundations a footprint between highway lanes.
When is a fence no longer a fence? When we take down the barbed wire of legitimate or valid? When we no longer station trans guards at an arbitrary border? When we recognize these boundaries as a social construct that can just as easily be deconstructed with awareness, truth, and authenticity?
I’m the one who puts up the fences using my own fears and imaginary fires of inadequacy stoked by a minority of villifying intollerants.
There is no fence. As eerie as the French-German border with mere remnants of a concrete and reinforced boundary, the fence in our society doesn’t exist but in the minds of those who cannot imagine a free and open landscape of transgender experiences.
(Hold my beer) Watch this! See me dancing at the border, back and forth, zig zag, lying down on one side or the other in gender euphoria. No one to stop me but my own paranoid voices.
The fence is gone. No decision to be made. No declaration to be signed. Free. Free at last.
Hi Lorie
As always, thank you for your thoughts and words.
Hooray to all freedoms!, as many things as we all may have in common on our journey, our paths and roads leading there differ.
There was a border?
I haven’t truly had that feeling of having to choose. Once I had the peace and strength to allow the more feminine portion of myself to emerge I’ve simply had a feeling of being whole. There are attributes of both main genders whithin me that have benifits in my life and I feel neither fully one or the other internally at any given time. I actually exhibit both to the extreme at different times. I’ll admit I don’t have it all down pat yet, I’m no where near perfect or all knowing and my journey may not even be complete yet. Its true that because of society and the individual attitudes of people around me that I sometimes find it easier to display myself more as the person that they’ve come to know. I’ve noticed recently that that also works in both directions, some who met and got to know me while displaying as more female find it odd when I display as more male.
Its not a matter of being lazy or a chicken who is afraid to fully commit to change. It simply isn’t who I honestly feel I am. To fully transform or live dressed more fully would only be conforming to yet another somebodies ideals of who they think we should be.
Being the free bird who can flit back and fourth over that imaginary fence feels good doesn’t it.
Olivia
I’m on the fence too. I’d love to be Bethany all the time actually have curves softer skin no hair and real boobs. I just don’t know if I can walk away from the life I’ve spent the last 25 years building. I wish I’d realized more what I was earlier and transitioning was more common then so I could have been young and pretty. Still I’m thinking about it even now. Maybe it’s my mid life crisis
I’ve been sat on the fence pretty much my whole life. Sometimes I think I’m falling off landing on one side or the other but it never happens. I suppose I am very femme but that is not the same thing as jumping ship (or fence) and declaring forever to one of the 2 binaries. I love who I am and wouldn’t change myself for anyone.
Btw I loved this piece you’ve written it’s really well done.
I’m quite happy on the male side of the fence most of the time, but now and again, when no one is looking, I vault over onto the female side and have a damn good time, just because I can, and it feels naughty. Then I jump back over, and carry on as if nothing had happened.
I quite like it that way, although it would be nice if the fence wasn’t there at all.
Bobbie, I like the way you put that. It sounds like you are happy to share without making onerous demands. Cool!
i enjoy being DrBob and I hike and backpack, though Bobbie enjoys those too. i am looking into hiking skirts and kilts. Bobbie is sweet and just wants to see the sun and go out for lunch. i would most like to find some others locally who would like to go out for lunch or coffee. i am over 65 i am not into the club scene. 💋
Awesome stuff!
Like you, I have discovered that there is no fence except the one you sit on.
We are who we are and that’s a journey of discovery that we each need to make for ourselves.
We all have different values of right and wrong, and that goes for clothing too.
I wouldn’t wear jeans under a dress – that’s plain wrong…
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