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My wife does not like that I crossdress, but she confuses me (BTW, when I say “I” & “me”, I’m referring to Dawn, not him).
We have gone out together for a Girls Day Out (mani/pedis, makeovers, shopping, lunch, etc.). She’s attended CD events with me (she says she goes in order to “protect” me). We’ve even been intimate when I’ve been me & that (she would even tell you) has been amazing!
But she views me as the “other woman”, trying to steal her husband. She wishes that I would just go away.
Her attitude towards me seems to change on a daily basis; probably more often than that. She says it’s hard to see me as a woman & hear a male voice coming out of me. I offered to use my girl voice, but she says no.
So, I’m trying to figure out the best way to win her acceptance. Is it to have her see me as a different person than her husband? Or should I try to help her see that he & I are one & the same– just different packaging?
I have often found it jarring to separate ourselves into two people and speaking in third person. Almost like we have multiple personality disorder. However, I also recognize that it is difficult to discuss/describe ourselves without doing so as it gets confusing otherwise!
It strikes me in the way that you describe the scenario that your wife separates you into two people, but that she would prefer you to be just one person. Subconsciously doing this might make it easier to except the female version, but at the same time it makes it hard for her to interact with the person she is married to. I think that would be very difficult. And that’s just me guessing.
To get to the bottom of it you are going to have to ask for a calm conversation and really ask her the questions that need to be asked. Maybe start off with appreciation for all the acceptance she has already provided to you, but then ask how you can make it easier to love both versions of you. You are a singular person who just happens to present differently at times. If she has been this accepting thus far, then it will be in your interest to make accomodations for her comfort to keep it flowing. Her feelings matter.
Good luck!
I am sure that there would be many words of advice here as this is a very common thread.
I would put another angle on this – maybe it is a kind of dysphoria of their own? Commonly we look at Gender Dysphoria but Dysphoria has a wider reach and this could be an adjustment disorder as they have placed on them a stress that causes a reaction. That, as evidenced here on the forum posts, manifests in many forms. Reactions will vary until the coping mechanisms reengage and a sense of normality regains itself . We ourselves have gone through those emotions of coping with something that changes our outlook and life and have to learn to cope with all the fears and anxiety’s. Is it not the same for partners? As much as it is hard for you imagine how it is for them.
As you are blessed with a partner who is trying then it would be natural to work with her and go forward together and find a happy medium for both of you.
Hi Dawn,
I do not have & SO but I have to agree with Angela, as hard as it is for us, it has to be equally or even more so for them.. You’re wife sounds wonderful yet so conflicted and that is entirely understandable.
A thought occurred to me, the statement about How Great the Intimacy is, has me Wondering if it’s possible that the reason she wants you to go away is Not that “You are Stealing her Husband” But That “you” may be stealing her away from her husband..?? How hard would those feelings be to deal with.. A difficult situation and again just a different take on the matter.. Love & Best of Luck to you both.. Jill💖
I believe in reading your bio and your concerns here she is afraid she is losing the man she fell in love with to the possible transition path which most women do not sign up for. I believe you need to communicate openly and calmly to try to discuss and find out, however she may not be ready for the discussion as much as you would like or the direction you would like it to go. I know myself and others feel the same way you do. The doses of openness, acceptance, encouragement and then it is like taken back, you or me or any of us are like this is great no WTF just happened it was alright before why not now. I believe that is your wife’s struggle of losing you just as it is for any of our wives or girlfriends. It may not turn out how you would like 100% for you or her but hopefully your love for one another will find a happy medium of acceptance and continued growth of love for one another. I feel the same way at times it feels as a couple we are going backwards or drifting apart and if you truly love someone completely and unconditionally it is very hard to deal with. I would tell her how much she means to you and do some nice things then hopefully an honest conversation can happen for both of you soon.
I wish you both the best. April
Dawn,
I have never faced the situation you are currently in so I am not qualified to give you much advice. But the best way to help her may be to do whatever it takes to reassure her she is not going to lose the man she married. Maybe couples therapy with a qualified gender therapist will help her get things out in the open that she is hesitant to bring up at home.
All the best,
Fiona
I will jump in here with my thoughts regarding this tough scenario. As hard and difficult it is, it seems to be a very common story for all of us with spouses. This is my 2nd marriage, my 1st wife died of cancer in 2014. I tried doing the dual personality thing and it did not work, it failed miserably! I had to totally come out as Lauren, a trans woman from birth, the person I truly am. She actually understood that but still has issues as she puts it, “I married a man” and now I am legally a woman. We discussed everything and she said it would be best if I found my own place, which I have done. We are still married and separated now but friends who talk each night on the phone.
Dawn, I wish you all the best, I know it’s very hard, but it seems to be a common part of our journey.Hugs girl,
Ms. Lauren M
This is similar to my situation. My SO is good up to a point. I have to always be aware of the line I might be crossing. We have gone to cd events together and we have have met a number of other couples and that has opened up both of us quite a bit. Plus I think when you go out with another couple it feels less like two lesbians and more like 4 girlfriends. First of all, you need to be clear with yourself on your goals. Everything doesn’t always fit together in the way we’re expecting.
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