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I have been a CD for over 30 years. My wife knows I have tried it, but doesn’t know the truth. I want to tell her so I don’t have to hide any longer, but she is very religious, and if I tell her the wrong way, it could ruin our marriage. I will gladly accept any advice on how to tell her.
Thank you all so much.
Hi Chrissie this is not an easy thing to do .. I came out to mine 38 years ago and she was very accepting as many ladies here have done and some didnt go as well so sorry for them.. Biggest thing girl is honesty and lots of conversations about the subject give her time and space to process things and dont pressure her.. Slow and easy wins the race ..Or Baby steps good luck girl …
Stephanie Bass
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Hello. I’m in the EXACT same situation. I think you should talk to someone in her religious background and bounce it off of them first, in confidence, of course.Thank you, I’m terrified to even talk to anyone, and have it get to her. Ahhhhhh, I’m pulling my hair out, it’s been long enough to still be hiding. I’ll have to go slow I guess. Thanks so much for listening.
Talk to us. It does help, honestly.
Connie
xxx
Hi Chrissie, Welcome to a great place to share and care. There seems to be two common themes in most crossdresser’s life, ‘Passing’ in public and gainig acceptance by a wife or loved one. The latter is obviosly the most significant and in my opinion the most diffucult to resolve. That is because I do not belive there is any ‘formula’ to revealing oneself. You and I both know every situation is different. In my case I had an ally in my sister, whom my wife loves deeply. She was my advocate when I decided to reveal all about Paulette. Even with that, my wife was inialy repulsed by Paulette. However, slowly but surely she has come around to where, while she is still not terribly comfortable seeing me as Paulette, she does buy Paulette clothes and do photoshoots with her. I guess I said all that to say this. I took it “slow and easy” backing off whenever I sensed ‘push back’. Will this work for you? Dont know. But I do know you are in my thoughts and prayers in this most difficult of challenges. Hugs, Paulette
I really appreciate your advice Paulette.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.
I just hope I make it.
Chrissie
All I can say is be careful. My Gf of many years in Australia, I live in the states, said she couldn’t do it after 3 yrs of knowing last week.
there is a longer story, but pandemic didn’t help. maybe I will tell it sometime.
How you express your desires is important.
Chrissie, I am one of the lucky ones but it was a long journey. Have you ever asked her in casual conversation say when you both see something that resembles a hint of crossdressing. Difficult I know but trying understand a little how she might react. A simple “ I am a “ without background by the sounds of it dangerous. Research before committing to opening up to her. Slow and measured steps and that includes even after you have been accepted. Katie.
Hi Chrissie
My heart goes out to you and anyone in your situation, I have seen both reactions, I told my first wife early in our marriage, she didn’t understand she didn’t want to understand and she didn’t accept that her husband like ladies clothing, although that marriage lasted 20 years there was an undertone that the subject was never to be discussed.
I told my second wife again early in our marriage (this was after not dressing for about 6 years) she was the total opposite she listened she asked questions and she said that although she didn’t understand she would support me and help me the best she could.
Everyone is different I took the decision to tell them as I always want to try and be as honest with people saying that my children don’t know about Samantha as the subject has never arisen however my wife and I both agree if I were to be asked I would be honest with them as well.
All I can say is good luck and I hope that everything goes well when you decide to have the conversation.
take care
Samantha x
Hi Chrissie
I’m in much the same position, so any advice I have obviously doesn’t work! Or will it? People are different.
I’m taking the softly softly approach. I show an interest in women’s clothes, whether on TV, in the papers, wherever. I comment on outfits I see, pointing out nice ones. I say nice things about hairstyles. I admire shoes. This used to get a “tut” and a roll of the eyes. Now I (sometimes) get an actual response. Sometimes she beats me to it and actually points out a nice dress to me. Since she has no interest in fashion, that has to be for my benefit.
So, my situation is showing some very small signs of improvement.
I do hope your situation improves. I wouldn’t wish this frustration and resentment on anybody.
Connie
xxxChrissie welcome.. slow and easy, that’s all I can say. This situation can certainly cause confusion and stress in any relationship. One thing you got going is your long marriage and trust between you two. I’ve had troubles too deciding when to open up to my wife especially after 38 years. Picking the right moment is something only you would know but as I it was simple suggestions. Maybe during watching a movie and a situation occurs or a story brought on by the news relating to dressing. Using settle hints of what if, what her feelings are for it. How would you feel knowing someone close who dabbles with dressing up. So many ways but still very difficult picking the right way. It took awhile for me but eventually it got to that point it had to happen. And after many talks about it we were agreeing to how this would transpire. Many months later we were enjoying a new chapter in our lives but one with her making the decisions on where this is going. My wife is also religious but thankfully open mined. Being here is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. Look into our forums written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topics. Many face this troubling ordeal but be asured you have that support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
So many thoughts around this Chrissie. I have been married over 30 years and initially, before getting married, I told her about my other side. She was not pleased but asked to see some things I admitted (heels) I had. It was a very cool acceptance of it and she tolerated this part. But I stopped at that, never showed Lauren fully done, and then completely stopped showing her anything and went fully into ‘hiding’ It remains a silent issue between us. Kids came along and distracted us but they are now long moved out, we are retired and there is no more time apart. So, including Covid now, it has me absolutely climbing the walls. And it leads to very dark thoughts and feeling trapped. If I came out completely she would probably show disdain, which is far worse than the hiding going on now.
Which leads to the question of how we selected our spouses while having a two spirited side to us, I think many of us have been hiding since very early days and it’s just our way of living. Part of what keeps me from saying more to her is she has little discretion, she may pass on the news to others, including children. Their shock would probably not be the dressing, but the fact their dad had hidden things from them their whole lives.
Complicated, isn’t it? I’ve asked a therapist about all of this – she searched a bit and said – ‘Maybe you are hiding when you are male and your true self is the female side’.
Hello Chrissie,
Welcome to our amazing CrossDresserHeaven (CDH) site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore all that our site has to offer.
The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on CrosDresser Heaven.
At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via [ PM ] Private Messages. You can find that link on each member’s Wall under their Profile picture.
Also, you may find what you need such as Help Center or Ambassadors by using the links in the top R/H drop down 3 bar [ hamburger ] menu.
Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each. Such as Private Chat, Groups, etc.
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Regards,
Terri Anne, Ambassador
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Your situation was very much like mine except I finally got caught. She tried to be understanding. It cost me a trip to a counselor. Tried to stop. Got caught again. This time I had to face the Pastor of our church. Very humiliating. But to my relief he said what’s the big deal. So now I openly dress around her and we both want to keep it private. We have even shopped together. She just doesn’t want me to acquire more clothes than her. I love her very much and am glad she accepts me as Donna. Didn’t happen overnight. Lots of talking and convincing her I still wanted only her.
Chrissie,
I am your neighbor, just south down the road a piece from you in Marietta.
Feel free to contact me any time. I get out in public on a regular basis, not so much now with the cold weather, can’t wait for all the spring festivals to start up. I am fairly well known around Cobb county.
I will be sending you a friend request and would be honored for you to accept it.
Hugs from Peggy Sue
We are not very religious but went through this in the past year. I told her pre-marriage and she had found things over the years but thought i quit mostly. Last feb it came out that i did not and was fully cding and going out dressed when i could to eat or shop.
Take it slow. Maybe have some sort of information to provide her on Cding. There is a spouse area here. I cannot get my wife to come here. Someone here recommended the book Living with Crossdressing. We have both read it and it gave some topics to talk about.
There are lots of us here that are in or were in the same boat with varying outcomes but better to tell her than to have her find out.
Well thankfully she isn’t totally in the dark about it.
What does religion have to do with crossdressing? I don’t think there is anything in the bible that out right says it’s a sin. If it does, then I would have to strongly disagree with that. Crossdressing hurts no one and I feel that if a man can get in touch with his feminine side, it only makes him a better lover and spouse.
Crossdressing usually keeps us more dedicated to the woman we married and if she knows about it and has some sort of acceptance, we tend to be more compassionate, and a better lover than the average man.
Suppressing your desires is not going to help your relationship. I wish I had the perfect answer for you as to how to approach her, but every woman is different.
First off, I think you need to start to open up to her even if you don’t tell her the full extent of your interest.
I started by telling my wife I liked to wear silky nightgowns, my reason, I liked the feel of the silky fabric. She didn’t have a problem with that and she was even nice enough to sew me some long nylon nightgowns, she called them nightshirts. They were comfortable but very plain. In time I told her there was more to it than just the silkiness of the fabric. I really wanted to wear feminine nightgowns. This was just the start and it took several more years of beating around the bush before all of my desires were out in the open.
I’m sure you would like to hear about a way you could just let it all out and move on happily ever after, but sadly getting your wife on board with your desires can take a lot of time and patience. The fact that she knows you have crossdressed in the past is a plus. Just give it time and look for every opportunity to expose just a little bit about your interests.
If you take it slowly I can almost guarantee you, if you have a loving relationship, the day will come that you will be openly dressing and exploring femininity without fear of being caught.
She may never encourage it or participate, but at least it’s not a secret anymore.
Good luck to you!
Lacy
I do not agree with it but Deuteronomy 22:5 says that there shall not be an article of a man on a woman and a man shall not put on a wrapper of a woman. Some have taken this to mean no cross dressing. So if your wife is in that camp you might want to read up on what different scholars have to say about it.
Chrissie,
I and many girls, here, can sympathize. I don’t have any advice, since I have never revealed Raquel to my wife, but I can hope and pray that you can share your feminine side with yours. You, at least have the advantage that she knows something of it.
Much love,
Raquel
Hi Chrissie, looks like I’m a bit late to the party. I just revealed to my wife of 40 years that I was a closeted CD. We are both believers but it hasn’t been any religious issue. It’s been her feelings of betrayal and deception that has been hard to deal with. I told her in July last year and we have made a lot of progress. But, in October I realized that staying a PT CD wasn’t going to do it for me and I’m currently in month two of HRT.
The advice zI’d try to give is this – it will be tons better for you to tell her everything before she finds out. That includes your deepest feelings for all this, what you bought, what websites you have joined or frequent. She won’t want to find out new shocks drip-by-drip because it will reinforce that you can’t be trusted to tell her the truth. That being said, you should only tell her what she is ready to hear. You may want to have more than one talk, but let her know that you need to tell her more when she’s ready. My wife wanted to know everything all at once. I think between the pictures and my stash of femme things, it just overwhelmed her. I let her set the agenda, and if I had it to do over, I’d have broken it down into 2 or 3 talks to let her absorb it at a pace she could actually handle.
Just know that your wife will have her world rocked and she will be afraid she is losing you – even if you aren’t going anywhere physically. My wife doesn’t think her husband will be there after I transitioned and she has to learn to live with a strange woman she didn’t even know existed. It’s realluy tough. Counseling for you both individually and as a couple will help you identify and set boundaries and guide you as you both transition into a new relationship. It will be different even if you don’t increase your CD time at home or venturing out.
It may be she will accept it or even embrace it, but my wife has had major issues even with my crossdressing.
Good luck, and private message me if you want to chat!
Hugs,
Brielle
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