• This topic has 25 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Dana.
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    • #181616

      Hello all, I’m a newbie SO here 🙂

      I’m curious about support/being supportive.

      For the CDs, if you have a supportive SO how do you feel supported? Same question for the SOs who feel they are supportive.

      Is it things that are done/not done? Is it a vibe? Both?

      I have little to zero interest in shopping, clothes or make up (!!), and from what I’ve read on some of the forums here that’s been a wonderful way for partners share and support. Despite being quite a feminine lady, I’ve realised I sometimes find myself questioning my femininity or even feeling threatened somehow. Although saying that I borrow my partners clothes occasionally, which I think makes him feel pretty happy.

      During a recent disagreement, I found myself asking for him not her. It’s been a shock for us both but we’re seeing it as a roadbump to work through. It’s left me questioning how supportive/accepting I really am though. Is it possible to be supportive and accepting 100% of the time? Why did I need ‘him’ during the argument and is that ‘normal’ for SOs to need ‘him’?

      I’m looking forward to your pearls of wisdom  🙂

      xx

       

       

    • #181627
      Anonymous

      As a crossdresser we want our SO to accept us for both the male and female. But we have to remember our wife/partner chose us because we are a man. And unless we transition we will always be a man .so for you to need him is normal. In the hard times you want your preferred side of your partner. Support goes both ways he needs to support you as much if not more than you support him. I say him because I know my wife needs me to be the man sometimes.  And there are times she enjoys girl time together. Balance is tricky and different for every relationship.  Communication communication communication. That is the only way to find balance. Crossdressing with your SO takes communication and trust. If you need him he needs to be understanding. If he needs to be her then you need to be understanding. But both of you have to put the relationship before the crossdressing.

      • #181787

        Hi Gabrielle, thanks for sharing 🙂

        Your first line really struck me – that you want your SO to accept both the male and female. It’s reassuring to know that others also sometimes want him, especially in the hard times. I love what you say ‘communication communication communication’ – so very true and it’s the only way to get the balance. I guess we’re still figuring out what that balance is.

        How does it feel for you when your wife needs you to be the man sometimes?

        • #181821
          Anonymous

          We have gotten to a point in our relationship after 16 years together 14 married to where we say what’s on our mind. I told her before we were engaged about gabby. She even came up with my fem name. But over the years there have been times when I’ve asked to dress and she has said I need my husband today. It’s a disappointment at first I used to get upset about it but I realized if I cant honor her asking me to be a man how can I expect her to honor me wanting to be a woman. Also I like to be reminded she likes my male side. Its has done wonders for my confidence as a man.

          • #202639

            “I realized if I cant honor her asking me to be a man how can I expect her to honor me wanting to be a woman.” – YES! Thanks Gabrielle x

    • #181796
      Stephanie Flowers
      Ambassador

      You sound so much like my wife in your concerns and reasons to feeling  hurt, emotionally disturbed and being threatened in who you are as a woman. My wife also felt this way and demanded clarity on where I wanting my journey to go and to explore and move forward to. How much of a woman do I want to be . Transition was a big discussion I would  say and other questions to which we cd’ers should be totally honest with. Do I still enjoy being a man and will I always be there for her if she needed me no matter what. As much as she in her limited way supports me it’s very very important for her to know. As much as I do love being feminine I assured her I’m always her man and  so do enjoy being male and that would never change. Very important for a significant other to know. I know my wife was very relieved to hear as you would likely too. This assures her their connections as a couple is still solid. For him support too is most important in his feelings for his femininity . For me even for my wife with her acceptance she does show her openness towards me but I’m always scared for what she really is thinking all about this in a whole. We’re just as confused and blind as to what’s ahead. As its been mentioned, communication. The life line in any relationship. We have never shop together and socialized as girlfriends as comfortability is still not there. Agreements were made and both of us always talk to make sure we’re moving along together.  Gabrielle beautifully said it.  It’s your relationship and both must work hard to share everything as its not mine but ours  and so is the truthfulness in all this. And why you felt that you needed him as say during an argument. Well I see you really do care and have effection for him. I hope he appreciates it , your a very special person and deserve  the true with understanding from him as he needs to from you. It’s certainly a major issue in a relationship but nothing that can be talked about.  Support and acceptance as for me as a cder I hope it’s normal as I do need this so much from her. She’s my lady, my love  and the true queen bee in our marriage. …

      Stephanie 🌹

    • #181958

      Hello Amber, thank you for being with us and taking the the time and the interest of trying to understand. We generally don’t know all the if’s, and’s, or but’s either so it’s a work in progress.

      Yes, HONEST communication is paramount. My gf’s support, understanding, and involvement is an amazing gift to me. We both agree this is largely due to our open dialogue and a mutual respect for each other, compromise and balance are part of that. Just as you understand their need for that female persona, so should they realize that its the male portion that you fell in love with.

      Situations, individual personalties and relationship dynamics are different for all of us and should be evaluated and acted on that way.

      For me it seems that Olivia has been part of who I truly am (compassion, manners, etc.) for a considerable part of my life, so in fact, my gf fell for both of us regardless of how I present physically. I make sure to provide “male” time without being asked in all aspects of our life and in some situations will ask if she minds if Olivia is there.

      Its a partnership, and with understanding can be a loving, strong, and fun one.

      • #202637

        Hi Olivia, yes thanks for the reminder – yes as partners we fall for both aspects (even if we don’t realise it!) … crossdressing/fem persona is both internal and external. It’s reassuring to feel more ‘ok’ about wanting/asking for the male aspect

    • #182163
      Anonymous

      Hi Amber,

      Thanks for being curious about a really delicate topic. As a caveat I’ll say relationships are very specific and everyone’s different but I think we all know that.

      How do I feel supported by my wife? Honestly it’s the day to day love for me for all the little things, I guess like a general good vibe and I like to give a good vibe back as a husband on all of life’s goings on as well. On a bigger scale her support is the acceptance that this is a perfectly normal thing for me to want to do (cross dressing). Granted it may be different because I consider myself just a man who likes to cross dress (see caveat above), for me it’s an internal mix/blend of femininity/masculinity but outwardly it always shines through as masculine, hard to really describe beyond that anywhoo…

      My femininity and cross dressing may not be her cup of tea and that’s okay, not everyone likes the same tea right? Shouldn’t stop me from enjoying what I like though.

      I’ll give a good example of her support which may be counter intuitive.

      She calls me out on things that I might be doing which are indicative of hiding something or “wrong-ness” behavior. For instance, I felt shame in getting dressed in front of her for a little while and she called me out on it. She doesn’t like seeing her man in panties, as much as her man loves wearing them, so I used to get dressed in a different room which was a break from the norm when I was slipping on boxers in lieu of bikinis. She supported me by calling it out and asking me about the change in behavior. I now get dressed in front of her like I normally do, and it’s helped us both out a lot. We may both be a little uncomfortable with it, but there’s no reason to hide, I consider her requests regarding all of this as supporting me in my own growth.

      No interest in shopping clothes or makeup is fine, I know a lot of women like that including my own dear wife! Would I like to? Honestly I don’t know I tend to be shy anyway. We just don’t do that together, doesn’t really mean she does love or doesn’t support me, just that it’s not her cup of tea to do that. We do get mani-pedis together tho but I just go for the massages, she gets her nails done but she’s asked me about my toenails and sure, I’d go for a cute red or something but I’m not really ready for that for my own internal reasons so her support is accepting that too.

      Also when my wife borrows my sweater it’s just the cutest thing. It absolutely doesn’t need to work both ways for me and her dresses, lets say.

      I wouldn’t question your femininity although I know that’s the knee-jerk. For me, I love my wife and her essence of who she is. We also have very different styles of women’s clothing. My femininity as a man does not need to compete with her’s as a woman. I like sharing my masculinity with her and she enjoys that too, so I see you asking for “him” is perfectly fine and quite normal. Support doesn’t mean a full green light. Support means communication and honesty, towards the goal of making each other a better person. If you wanted him, then he should absolutely be there for his wife. That’s my opinion at least, and I think asking for that is fine. If it’s going to be hard for your husband to do at that time, then they should acknowledge it at the very least but still work on whatever you guys were talking about.

      Perfectly normal, and part of comprise and communication in a healthy relationship really. I’d say it would be unhealthy to want ‘him’ and not say anything out of an idea for supporting ‘her’ (that’s a wife not telling her husband what she really needs from him), and nor should your husband be put off by the request of his wife as that’s not a husband listening to his wife. Doesn’t mean he has to do what she says! But he does need to think and respond, yeah? Work it out as the situation calls, but be honest and open, sounds like you were, I’d say as a result that’s super supportive.

      As feminine as I may feel, I am still my wife’s husband, that’s kind of above both of us. Trust me we can’t choose some of the things we like, but we can choose how we can best engage with them in a healthy way.

      I think you guys are fine truly I do. Thanks for the questions too!

      I think you should also ask your husband how best to support him too, what does he need in order to feel supported. He may not even know what that is, but it would show him you care and want to support him, which I’m sure he already knows.

      • #202633

        Oh gosh, this made me cry (in a good way!) Thank you, beautiful words and insights. As a tea lover, this line really struck a chord … “not everyone likes the same tea right?” Indeed. It seems you have a strong relationship, being able to face the uncomfortable in order to be honest and open. You’ve given me a lot to ponder. The way you and your wife relate is inspiring.

    • #191670
      eleanor holborn
      Managing Ambassador

      Hi, Amber, I do support my partner but have to say not 100% of the time we have our ups and down

      • #202632

        Thanks Eleanor,  it’s probably not possible to support 100% of the time … unrealistic expectation on myself perhaps?!? I appreciate your sharing

    • #192784
      Leah
      Baroness

      for me, support would be: have open communication about dressing up with our expectations, to encourage me to dress up or lay out clothes for me to wear, to help me with make up or do my make up and nails,  buy me lingerie or clothes, have a “girls night” re-affirm that it is ok to want/desire to dress up without the guilt or shame.

      One needs to find balance in the dressing as she still wants her man at times.

    • #196647
      Anonymous

      I’m another SO.  You sound pretty supportive to me.

      Mostly my advice would be to ask your partner what he/she needs in terms of support.  And make sure the question is asked back to you!!  I liken it to being in an airplane- put your mask on first  to support your loved ones.  You need to be supported and cared for in order to ensure you can give the support your partner needs.

      Communication is really key.  I wish I had better communication from my CD’ing bf.  We’ve been together for only 18mos, and we have many conversations as to what me supporting him looks like.  I get to ask any and all questions I want (and I think he’s pretty honest with me).  But so far, I’ve felt the return support (understandably, I also have lots of insecurities as to what it means) hasn’t exactly been even.  I’m not even sure I will ever be able to see him dressed, although I’ve seen more photos than he knows, but am fine with him wearing women’s undies and nail polish, not to mention the regular shaving.  I’m not sure how ‘supportive’ he’d find that next to the number of partners who are open to having their SO dress around them.

      You’ve inspired me: I think I’ll have another such talk with him when I see him next.  🙂

       

      • #196662
        Anonymous

        Hi Nic , a beautiful answer , I crossdress & have a supportive wife , not every day is the same & there’s ups n downs. Boundaries , communication & making sure my wife is number 1 . Tiff

        • #202630

          Thank you Tiff. I can lose perspective in the ‘downs’. Your insights are so helpful.

          • #202634
            Anonymous

            Thanks Amber , appreciate your lovely words , indeed some ” down ” days can be hard to push through. We try to communicate as much as possible , my wife is amazing , she knows how important it is for us to have my femme soul filled. I in turn know how much she still needs her husband & we work hard to give each other what they need ☺

      • #197457
        Stephanie Flowers
        Ambassador

        <p style=”text-align: left;”>Communication is the  Lifeline in any relationship.. be  true and honest with each other as we must give and take in compromises where our feelings have a common  place. 🌹</p>

        • #202628

          Beautiful advice, thank you Stephanie 🙂

      • #202627

        Nic, thank you. What a lovely analogy. You also sound very supportive to me!

    • #202524

      Hi Amber,

      I am blessed with a wonderfully supportive wife who is willing to learn about crossdressing and encourage me in little ways, like getting a mani-pedi together. I think that my crossdressing has actually strengthened our marriage. It has created a deeper intimacy and trust between us. It helps me to be more relaxed around her and softer.

      – Robyn

      • #202625

        Hi Robyn, thanks for sharing your experience. It’s reassuring to know that crossdressing has strengthened your relationship. Being able to be yourself is a beautiful thing! For both people 🙂

        ~ Amber x

    • #210855
      Chris
      Lady

      Hi, did you meet “him” before you knew he cross dressed? Thinking that might be why you asked for “him”

      my wife & I are working on this a lot. She sounds kinda like you, not into shopping or makeup. And she borrows my clothes & shoes:) why is it such a big deal if we do the same?  I do think she may feel threatened?

      Ask how he wants to feel supported, and ask more than once, and maybe ask again? I know I feel very awkward when my wife asks things like this.   But that goes both ways. He must support you and take your needs into consideration.

      Good luck with your relationship, I need as much advice as I can get too. It’s been way over 20 years and life doesn’t seem to get easier! 21 years of marriage in Oct.  & hopefully another 20+ to go!!

    • #217332

      <p style=”text-align: left;”>After reading so many wonderful comments I would love to add a little more. Support wow sounds heavy. Can I lift this issue? Do I have the strength to carry this a long distance? How far and when will a final destination become apparent? I realized these were questions I was asking myself. Is it fair to ask my SO to carry my burden? The need to CD or transition is an unbelievable force that boiled over in me. As it boiled I began to wonder. Can I support myself emotionally? The answer was a resounding No. Im married with two kids. I’m closer to fifty than I like to admit and I’m about to embark on a journey that could flip my life upside down. Now came the hardest question of all. Will my wife have the strength to help me carry this heavy load? Yes I need support but I knew by asking her I would need to be willing to lose her if she said no. I was lucky she did not run away however she admitted she could not carry all this weight alone. She asked me to seek out others to help carry the weight. CD heaven, thearapy, close understanding friends and she wanted me to find a community. She has done the same. She knew that as I evolve I would need more support and that she can only do so much. My wife is many things but she can’t be all things. I love and respect any amount of support she can muster. In the beginning of this workout she could only lift 5 lbs at a time she’s up to 100 lbs now. It’s taken many hours at the gym for both of us. The nice thing is we have gotten stronger together not apart. Sorry for all of the analogies. I truly believe that this evolution in our  (marriage) will take dedication and hard work to achieve balance for both of us to be happy. As for now we are in this together and frankly never been happier our marriage is so much more honest and loving now then it was prior to my coming out.</p>
       

      Good luck and be honest when it comes to how much you can lift.

       

      💯💋💞

      Sabrina

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