- September 2, 2020 at 12:48 am #380001AnonymousInactiveRegistered On:Topics: 1Replies: 53Has thanked: 22 timesBeen thanked: 193 times
Ladies, I am at a crossroad and not sure how to approach it. I thought who might have better insite than anyone, and that would be GGs who have been through this with their SOs Well ladies, here is my issue.
I had printed out an article, a booklet really, on identifying transgenderism. I Answered many of the questions and foolishly left it on my home office desk under other papers. Well, my wife found it and is now asking questions.
I haven’t been able to be honest yet. She has made a few comments like it all make sense but that she feels used. Wondering if or why she is here.
I’m not sure how to approach it. I feel as if I should come clean and tell her the full extent of my feelings. But to what end? She says she deserves to know the truth. I’m just not sure if she can handle the truth. Although we have been married for forty years it has been a rough forty. This might be the tipping point. I’d like her to know that what is inside me isn’t a choice. It’s not something I do out of selfishness. Or is it??? As much as I have tried to escape the feelings they have been there forever and. Have just gotten stronger. I like my Annie side. I AM SO MIXED UP. Maybe telling her and letting her process it is the best thing to do and if it does become the ultimate betrayal, then perhaps it’s time to “woman up” And face the music.
Ladies, any thoughts would be appreciated
Huggs and 😘😘😘
- September 12, 2020 at 12:23 am #382952AnonymousInactiveRegistered On:Topics: 1Replies: 53Has thanked: 22 timesBeen thanked: 193 times
Ladies, I want to thank you all for your kind responses. I have read each and everyone several times and am taking Many of the comments to heart. I feel I owe my wife total honesty. I want to discuss this with her. So far she has been silent on the topic. When I look back at clues I have left, I often wonder if I was trying to get her to open the discussion. From shaved legs to soft skin, the clues are there. I think I just need to “woman up” and tell her. My Annie side is getting stronger by the day. I love my feminine side and would love to be able to share it with my wife, for better or for worse.
- September 11, 2020 at 11:37 pm #382950Focus And SunshineParticipantRegistered On: April 2, 2020Topics: 3Replies: 10Has thanked: 20 timesBeen thanked: 37 times
Oh gosh, what a painful situation for you and your wife!
I’m just wondering, was there a part of you that wanted her to know, by leaving it on your desk (even if under other papers)? Keeping secrets, especially from your spouse, is hard work and a strain on all of your being, physical, spiritual and emotional.
I can only speak from a wife’s perspective here, and I’m talking about my previous marriage (of 15 years) at this point. When I look back, it was my ex-husband’s inability/refusal to talk about questions/issues about us as individuals and between us that I feel most angry and betrayed about.
It’s not the questions/issues themselves, more the way he went about dealing with them.For me it felt like coming up against an immovable brick wall. Actually, a silent, immovable brick wall. There was absolutely no opportunity for growth there, either together or for myself. And that ended in me having to look for growth outside our partnership, after he had left obviously.
My opinion of him now? Ah Jeez, so immature and basically like a sulky adolescent. I deserved so much more. And funnily enough, he’s with a much younger woman now.
So, back to you. Can you find a counsellor? One who specialises in gender questions? For yourself obviously. And/or maybe a marriage counsellor. I think it might help in learning how to speak to each other.
My partner now went to marriage counselling when he was preciously married, and I can absolutely tell that from the way he interacts with me when there’s something to talk over. We can talk about stuff in a calm way. And importantly it feels like there’s space and time to reflect without becoming overwhelmed by whatever feelings we may be having. So I feel like I can be very open and honest with him and that there’s the space and time for me to be so.
And as someone who had been to counselling for my anxiety, I can totally attest to how much it’s helped me learn not only to deal with it, but to talk about it with other people (when I want to/need to).
So yes, a big thumbs up for all of that from me. Perhaps something to look into and find out about? And maybe include your wife in that discussion too? Because you are married.
- September 2, 2020 at 8:24 am #380074Cath N.ParticipantRegistered On: June 18, 2020Topics: 1Replies: 22Has thanked: 0 timesBeen thanked: 43 times
I completely agree with everything Honey and Mandy said. However, have you had professional therapy? Or have you just been trying to DIY your way through this? That’s about the only part you can control at this point, involving a professional who understands the subject well and can guide you to the correct path.
When it comes to your wife, Mandy said it very well. Avoiding to talk about it is the only way to ensure that she comes up with the answers that fit the narrative in her head, even if they are not the real answers. And if she does the same as you, I don’t see this having a happy ending. You are in damage control mode, I am afraid. Not much else is in your control.
I can only tell you how I would have reacted if I was in her shoes. I would have started putting an escape plan in place and one day he would have come back to an empty house, with only the divorce papers waiting for him. Because the time to talk would have been when it happened, not after I had already made my decision. You know your wife and her tolerance level, of course. But people can surprise us, even when we think we know them well. Good luck.
- September 2, 2020 at 6:46 am #380042Honey TParticipantRegistered On: October 19, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 33Has thanked: 10 timesBeen thanked: 98 times
Her biggest fear is most likely what does this mean to her & her future. It will take time to process how she feels about you with a new extra layer. I was afraid of more surprises so I wanted all the info then I went into self protection mode. We talked on a more vulnerable level than ever before & I felt more loved than ever before. I had longed for a deeper connection for quite some time. Don’t think she hasn’t felt you pulling away during your discovery of your true self.
In my opinion A marriage lacking in honesty is not worth having.
You deserve better than living in hiding, maybe she deserves your commitment to be a trustworthy spouse.
it probably won’t go smoothly but forward movement is better than limbo.. good luck to you both.
- September 2, 2020 at 3:17 am #380019AnonymousInactiveRegistered On:Topics: 1Replies: 53Has thanked: 22 timesBeen thanked: 193 times
Thanks girls. I really do appreciate the advice. Mandy you have hit so many good points. Some of the questioning has already occurred. You description of what is happening is spot on. It’s like you were there. I know I need to discuss the matter with her. I Pam sure it’s going to happen. Thinking this all through like I didn’t for my first planned outing and makeover. Although that was soooo fun. This not so much.
- September 2, 2020 at 1:51 pm #380158Mandy WifeParticipantRegistered On: September 12, 2019Topics: 5Replies: 93Has thanked: 46 timesBeen thanked: 359 times
Aaaww thank you Annie, I’m glad I’ve been able to help even just a little – I’ve learnt a lot in my short time in here from other wives and SOs and how they have felt, I may not have had the same experiences but I can understand how they feel, and add to the mix my own experiences with Penny Jay and knowing how our situation has evolved over the 30+ yrs we have been together, and the world is such a different place now than it used to be that’s for sure!
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- September 14, 2020 at 10:02 am #383717Debbie WernerParticipantRegistered On: September 12, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 37Has thanked: 219 timesBeen thanked: 137 times
I got you beat at 42 years of marriage,Mandy Wife. We are both Born again Christians [my Wife is more devout than me], one day she asks me if I would go to a Marriage seminar at church,to which I reluctantly said yes. The pastor made a statement which was” whatever happens behind closed doors im a marriage is ok” so I just bided my time to tell her,and now at this point We can joke about it. Ihope someday that you can reach this level.
- September 2, 2020 at 1:36 am #380010ParticipantRegistered On: September 12, 2019Topics: 5Replies: 93Has thanked: 46 timesBeen thanked: 359 times
There will, I’m sure, be some that say don’t tell her, but for me, I would say you need to be honest with your wife and explain your feelings.
Feeling “deceived” and “betrayed’ can be a fairly standard response – many women feel they have been cheated out of the future the envisioned and angry as they have been “used” as a family provider and not valued for themselves.
However, when you entered into the relationship were you a full time crossdresser? Did you understand your own feelings or even know what they were? Or did you feel it was just a bit of “male fantasy that all blokes probably had but just didn’t talk about?” Cross dressing and gender diversity is such a newly accepted thing and 40yrs ago when you got together the world was a very different place and what is acceptable and more understood now was very different back then.
Your wife will be very confused right now, she may be questioning whether you want to transition, the usual “are you gay”, do you want to leave her etc since she’s found the leaflet, I know I would be and she will possibly be hurt that you won’t explain or talk to her. Her fears are coming from a place of half truths and misinformation so I think, yes you should sit down and talk to her.
Her confusion, and probably resulting anger, are not going to go away just because you want them to, probably the opposite and it will drive an even bigger wedge between you. You have to be open, honest, allow her to rant and get upset, explain that it’s not about your feelings for her but about your feelings about yourself. Also think of this as your “way in” to opening up to your wife and will you regret not taking the opportunity later on in life? What happens if your secret comes out later? Will it cause more problems that you had the ideal opportunity to open up and didn’t? That’s only going to lead to more feelings of being deceived.
Also, do you think your wife will let it go just now? Or will she go looking for her own answers and find any stash you have hidden away? Then what? That’s just going to lead to confrontation so a controlled, educated talk would hopefully have a much better outcome.
Penny Jay and I both read the book “Living with Crossdressing : defining a new normal” by Savannah Haulk and I thoroughly recommend it as well.
I wish you well in whatever you choose.
- September 2, 2020 at 2:01 am #380012
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