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In recent weeks, my freewheeling life has become a soap opera. For the past six years or more, I have dated men only. The man I have dated for the past two years loves me. I am about to break his heart.
The bisexual pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. I have met a woman who has said I have to choose between him or her. After much soul searching, I have realized that I want to be with her. I am about to have the “can we be just platonic friends?” talk with him. I also have to tell her about my occasional crossdressing.
My stomach is in a knot. Wish me well, girls. Has anyone else gone through this?Thanks for the advice, Kelly. I am such a coward. Her head is still spinning with my confession of bisexuality, which I just revealed to her just a few nights ago.
So far, she is unsupportive but is tolerating my interest in men because I have promised her that I am a serial monogamist. For the moment, at least, I do not think she would handle well more than what I have told her already. We are still unpacking the bisexual confession.
I do plan to tell her about my occasional crossdressing as soon as I see an opening.
Me too!
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An “either or” situation is never good because you know you may feel like choosing her now but your bisexuality won’t go away and you will probably swing back again sometime in the future. You’ve dated this guy for over six years and she doesn’t know about your dressing?? Most women won’t accept cross dressing and you may come to resent having to choose. Its a very difficult choice but you should decide for your own long term benefit.
So I think an important question here is, do you love him? Or is that love only one way, and you know in your heart that he’s not the one?
I can kind of understand her wanting you to choose, if she is interested in a monogamous relationship. But I think I would want to know for sure that she is not only tolerant of the cross dressing, but accepting, and loves that part of you as well before making any big decisions.
Nancy
Dump this woman. She won’t accept your bisexuality. Crossdressing won’t be any different. She’s given you an ultimatum. That’s a red flag. You’ll never have an equitable relationship with her. Get out now and save yourself a world of misery. You already have someone that loves and accepts you for who you are. That’s rare. Don’t throw it away.
No, I actually haven’t, but before you break it off with your current SO, tell the woman about the crossdressing! If you end what you have now, then the woman finds out later about your desires, she may dump you and you’ll end up with no one at all.
I can tell you from experience, waiting to tell a woman you are a crossdresser almost never ends well. Even if she is okay with it, the breach of trust is devastating! She will think – “what if he wants to transition?” “what else is he hiding from me?” ” I’m not enough woman for him”. And on, and on. Women almost never get over it, and may “tolerate” crossdressing, but will never totally accept it unless she has experience with it before, and it’s more of a turn-on than not. This hardly ever happens.
So just think things through. She may give you the second ultimatum – It’s crossdressing or me. Ultimatums are never a good way to start a relationship, IMO. Good luck, and let us know how you get on!
Hugs,
Brie
Thank you all so much for your advice. Tonight’s update is more good than bad. I took the advice that many of you suggested. I told her tonight about the crossdressing.
We had a night out, then went to her apartment, and she changed into her house clothes. Sitting cuddly together on her couch, I said to her, “I am very glad you kept your bra on. I love women in underwear. In fact, I love women’s underwear so much that sometimes I like to wear it myself.”
She shrugged her shoulders. She was genuinely undisturbed. She asked “What are you wearing now?” I told her I was wearing sexy male underwear.
I told her about my first experiences with crossdressing and she enjoyed the stories. At the end of the night, she said, “I guess I have to do some shopping and get rid of my granny panties,” I said, “Whatever you get, get a matching set in my size.” She took it as a joke and smiled, but I do hope she buys me something.
Maybe next time I will tell her about the dresses and other femme wear I own. I hope to have a “show and tell” night if we continue our relationship.
I also got a little more clarity on her reaction to my bisexuality. She is bouncing back from the shock of my confession and no longer seems to object to what I have done in the past. She asked if I am engaging in our courtship as an “experiment.” I did not have a response, She insists that our relationship must be monogamous. She expects me to dump the boyfriend. Yes, I will have to choose which relationship to pursue.If she is truly ok with your cross dressing then she may be a keeper. I would be content with her monogamous request especially if she is content with your side hobby. Keep us up to date on how this progresses.
Good luck Cece, My thought is that you might be able to give up dating men for now but given some time you will miss this part of your life leading to cheating on your GF.
I was going to say, ask something similar.
What happens when you meet that “next man”, who you become very curious about and find yourself acting on your urges?
This is a tough situation. I’m only being honest and not critical. This is like purging and saying “I’ll never do that again”, till that little trigger comes along and sets you back on the path from which you came.
All the best to you!
BeckaThanks, Alicia and Becka. I have had to live with the yo-yo effects of bisexual desires all my life. I was wild in my 20s, but since my 30s I have committed to serial monogamy. The unfortunate consequence is the inability to commit to a forever relationship. I do not think I could ever marry. I wonder if other bisexuals share this experience.
Hi Cece,
I think the issue is not so much about you being bisexual. I think it may be more about whether or not you feel comfortable in a committed monogamous relationship. You can be bisexual and monogamous, or you can be bisexual and promiscuous. I think in either case it is important to be honest with your partners and hold yourself to the same standards that you expect of them.
– Robyn
I am primarily a bisexual person. However, in these times I have aligned myself with the lesbian community. They have embraced me and I am happy to honor that. I liken it to back in the 70’s when women aligned themselves with the lesbian community out of a sense of togetherness, purpose and political necessity.
My thought regarding bisexuality is pretty straightforward.
For heterosexual and gay people, the sex of the potential partner is the first consideration. Everything else, intelligence, sense of humor, physical attractiveness, etc. falls in after that. If that doesn’t match what you are looking for, the deal is off.
For bisexual people, the sex of the potential partner may be third or fourth on the list after things like intelligence, sense of humor, physical attractiveness, etc. In other words, sex is not the primary factor in being attracted to someone and is not a deal breaker.
Also, in some people’s minds it is a 50/50 split, but I suspect that is rarely the case. For any given person, the split can be all over the map…
In my case, going back to my teens, the bi pendulum has swung the other way for me. I considered myself straight in my teens only to have the urge to be with a guy and I found one after turning 20 who’s an incredible guy and incredible boyfriend to this day. I think a big reason was the combo of my dressing causing the urges (even when I wasn’t dressed the urges were still there) and not wanting to go through having to tell a woman I dress and have the probable disapproval from her and ending of the relationship because of it. I have a great guy and intend to hold on to him.
Hi Cece i wish you luck with your new life,
There is one thing i think you should do and that is tell the woman you maybe spending the rest of your life with about your crossdressing, start as you mean to go on don’t keep it a secret, tell her upfront and let her decide if she wants to be with you, a lot of people wait for a few years then spring in on their other half and a lot of women feel betrayed because this is not the person i fell in love with, that’s only my opinion,
Hugs Rozalyn X
I’m bi.. but my story is kinda the opposite .. for the largest part I didn’t have long relationships with women. I was single most of the time with some hookups with men. I tried to test the waters with being in a relationship with a woman. That happened after I decided to purge crossdressing and quit seeing men. I dated a couple of women and I’m with one with one of them and for the last year and a half my desire to embrace my femininity and attraction towards men each has increased significantly.
I go through these phases where I like her and want to be her man (like she wants). but then ever since my female self woke up again and then the pandemic with lack privacy ever since we moved to live together, I go through other phases where I can’t stand her and resent my relationship for not letting me transition and see a man… I don’t want to break my gf’s heart but I know Alisha can’t live with another female in the same household so this is my dilemma.
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