First off, I’m very glad to find a community where I can meet and learn from others like me. I can’t imagine I’m unique, but I’m just learning to enjoy my feminine side. I thought I might post my first article, and say hello to this wonderful place!
Like many I’m sure, I’ve been crossdressing since, well who knows actually when. I first really became aware of it when I moved into a college house with three female roommates. I would see what they wore more intimately, and then run out and by some of those things myself. For the first time, I had a private closet and I filled it up with bras, panties, and lingerie. I loved having that space. Yet, for most of my life it was something I did for mostly a sexual thrill. My heart would race, I would get excited, and once that few minutes of thrill was over…I would tuck things away. I have done that pretty much all of my life.
Lately though, I’ve become so enlivened by the caring and calming nature of my feminine side. I have a job, mortgage, and responsibilities. I’m a single person, and live alone. I get stressed and tired, and worry about the future. One change in my life, and why I am loving this community, is that I’m finding that allowing the woman in me to come out revives me, treats me softly, and helps me find a sense of balance and calm.
Although, the thrill of lingerie is something I enjoy, I have discovered the wonderful world of online shopping. I often walk around the city and see women wearing things, and think I’d like to buy that, and now I do. What’s really wonderful is that I’ve moved away from the sexual thrill, and allow myself to sink into the softness of my inner-woman. I have drawers full of yoga pants, soft tops, pretty colored sweatshirts, and I just love to relax or do things around the house. I often find myself feeling warm and soft, and lovely, and for the first time I relax being the woman that I am.
I also learned something by going out dressed for the first time. On my normal run in the morning I see women in exercise wear, and think how wonderful it must be to wear what they wear. So, one night I decided to try it. I live where there is a place where there is a trail along water, and it’s dark but safe. So, I put on my yoga pants, and cute pink racerback top. I put my man clothes over them, and headed out. I found myself fighting that battle to calm down the sexual impulses and excitement. When I reached the park, and it was clear, I ditched my man clothes and was for the first time, truly exposed as a woman. I walked feeling the cool air, and freedom. I was carrying my clothes in case someone came along. When nobody did, I put them on a bench and did the most wonderfully free thing I have ever done; I walked away from my male side.
What I learned was that my excitement quelled, and I felt relaxed and whole. I was careful sure, and still experiencing a thrill, but it wasn’t about sexual excitement, it was about feeling freedom. I just walked in the dark and felt the sensations I imagined those women in the morning feel. I felt attractive, open, and very much myself. I felt cared for by myself, and mostly I felt the stress of life just go away. I did run into an older couple walking their dog, but it was too dark to make too much of anything. And, the best part was when I got home, I just stayed in my world of womanhood for a nice long relaxing evening.
I’m learning to care for myself and let my womanly self deliver softness, understanding, acceptance, compassion, and wonder to my life.
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