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  • #579313
    Barb Wire
    Participant
    Registered On: September 16, 2021
    Topics: 14
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    Hi CDH!

    A thought just occurred to me after reading so many heartfelt posts about revealing ourselves to our SOs. Some are success stories, but many are not. I can sense the joy, but also the sadness in your voices.

    I get it. It’s who we are. And some struggle with this “addiction” or way of life. I do too.

    So here’s the thing…

    We sneak away, whether at home in a private room or in a hotel or at the cottage (in my case) and get all dolled up and feminine. We try and go out, then run back in, then just go-for-it! Exhilarating! Fun! Even dangerous!

    I’m of the opinion that our SOs know and have know for years. Somehow they just do. Mine does, but never says anything. Nada. Even though she sees the credit card bills: “En Femme Store”, “Shoe Freaks”, “Clinique”, “Hosieries-Are-Us”, etc.. Oh sure, we have tons of fun together with our mutual hobbies and life-stuff, but…

    Is it possible, in a sense, our SOs think we’re committing adultery??

    Sure, it’s not with another woman (or guy), but maybe we metaphorically are an this upsets our SOs?

    Would LOVE to read your thoughts!

    💓 Barb

     

Viewing 19 reply threads
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    • #584259
      Sylvia
      Lady
      Registered On: October 10, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 569
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      Dear Barb ,

      Adultery ?
      Maybe , in a way.
      I don’t have a SO , and I am still in the closet , but I think the SO’s have so many advantages as well by having a Crossdressing man :

      They never have to explain to their Husbands/Boyfriends why they bought another pair of shoes ,
      another dress , another handbag….etc.
      They have a partner that they can go girl shopping with at any time they feel like it , in the house or online , depending on the partner.
      They have a bonus girl-friend they can just about share anything Girl related with , like watching a chick-flick on TV , doing eachothers make-up , complimenting eachother on how they look , really talking to eachother about anything and everything !
      If they can accept who their partners really are , Life with them could be even better
      than they could have possibly dreamed of.

      Love Sylvia.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #584161
      Wendy Me
      Lady
      Registered On: July 20, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 58
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      My  story is that I told my wife before we where married about my cross dressing and she was okay with it as long as was I discreet with it. At one point I did think about going to private club that had a weekly meeting. Wasn’t looking for anything sexual just to meet others, and I was going to ask her if she would join me. I decided not to bring it up, thinking it maybe a betrayal of trust between us as if I was looking for more. I figured why ruin a good thing and enjoy what I have.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #584127
      JillianW
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 13, 2019
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 328
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      Hi Barb,

      An interesting topic which has brought any number of thoughtful and thought provoking responses.

      Mirriam-Webster defines adultery as “sex between a married person and someone who is not that person’s wife or husband”. I think it is best to leave it there.

      If we start down the road of adultery being “any thought or action that replaces or removes the focus on your spouse”, we are in a world of trouble. We would find that playing golf replaces our focus from our spouses (quick aside, that’s why wives hate golf). So does hanging out at the firehouse having a few beers. Even work could be considered adulterous.

      So, IMHO, I keep the sex between us and I’m not committing adultery.

      Now the trust issues are very real and breaking trust is really harmful to any relationship.

      Hugs, Jillian

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    • #584066
      Anonymous
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      Personally I am single and say if shoe was on the other foot would think So was cheating or doing something. behind your back. Let make up a example say rent a hotel room next to this club being down stairs decide to go down have couple drinks then one thing lead to another and a really nice man or woman start talking and then start dancing together. then few more drinks lead to more. Suppose leading to do you have the will power to say no for more advancement or with the drinks let your guard down and go with the flow. Only time i cheated was when was married but know and caught x wife cheating on me so I cheated on the her at the time.

      Donna

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #584062
      Diane Rakers
      Lady
      Registered On: August 18, 2019
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 871
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      I believe so. This a genuine threat to my wife.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #584060
      Danielle Anaya
      Lady
      Registered On: January 3, 2020
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 102
      Has thanked: 72 times
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      I thought while I was married I was
      Faithful to my wife. However, after things ended, I realized I hadn’t been. I accepted that I had become the “other woman” in my life because I hid Dani from my wife for years until their unplanned meeting. I accept it for what I believe it was and I am not at all proud of that.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #583757
      Lea
      Lady
      Registered On: March 23, 2016
      Topics: 74
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      My SO knows about my crossdressing. At first, she had the usual fears that I might want to transition or I was gay. Now though, it feels like it’s a power battle or feminine territorial battle where she cannot share with men, yet she wants equality for herself at work, in the community.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #583130
      Michelle Trott
      Duchess
      Registered On: April 7, 2021
      Topics: 1
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      From the residual evidence I could not always hid. My wife thought there might be another woman involved. When she found out I was the other woman. She was relived. My ex was a different story. My dressing was just another thing she could not control. And I think she hated that I could look better than her.

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #583095
      Debbie Werner
      Lady
      Registered On: September 12, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 66
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      Somehow I get the feeling that my S.O. doesn’t want to share the “power” of being a woman.

      Debbie w

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #583101
        Barb Wire
        Duchess - Annual
        Registered On: September 16, 2021
        Topics: 14
        Replies: 636
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        LOL!!

        My SO is an executive somewhere up there. If she ever revealed to me what her work is all about, she says she’d have to kill me!

        I offer her no opposition to our family’s throne. Since she’s been working from home in a bedroom that looks more like a ‘War Room’, I will delicately dust around her and take whatever verbal abuse to help release her stress.

        Hmm… I think I may have a ‘Dominatrix’ fetish.

        Hubs, Barb 😊

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    • #583011
      Carmen Cruz
      Lady
      Registered On: September 12, 2021
      Topics: 16
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      I’m totally single, so I don’t have much to say that would have merit.  However, I will say this…

      The woman who beats out Carmen for my time is the woman meant for me.

      What I mean by that, is creating Carmen and being Carmen I’m effectively dating myself.  Carmen doesn’t allow me to be lonely.  She makes guy me emotionally stronger than I’ve ever been.  She makes me happy.

      I’ve been on a couple of dates this year (with women), and all I can think about afterwards was getting dressed as Carmen and heading out again doing the usual Carmen thing… by herself, enjoying the world, by herself.  Well, she’s never by herself, she’s with me.

      ANYHOW, what I mean by all this, is that I will NEVER settle in a relationship again.  If I meet someone and they provide me with everything I want in a relationship, the kind of real love I want to be in, the kind of partnership that makes me WANT to give up Carmen, then I’ll happily give up Carmen for that woman who is worthy of it.

      Carmen protects me from ever “settling” in a relationship.  Been there, done that, and won’t do that ever again.  They say the worst kind of lonely is feeling lonely WITH someone.  I refuse to find myself in that situation for anybody, and would rather be alone.  Well, alone with Carmen.

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    • #583004
      Carolyne Sherman
      Duchess
      Registered On: February 20, 2018
      Topics: 10
      Replies: 546
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      Barb having dealt with EXACTLY this situation I can unequivocally say YES!! Women are by their nature much more a being of emotion and feeling and men are literal and factual in their assessments of situations. If a man develops a relationship talking but never having a sexual relationship with a woman in his mind he has not cheated on his wife yet to his wife he has given of himself to this other woman and thus cheated. For this exact reason, by giving of our male self to our feminine self we have cheated on our spouse. My beloved wifey and I have had this conversation and though I have endeavored to give of both sides of myself to my wife to assuage this fear yet she still fears the “other woman” will take me away from her and either deliver my male self toward total femininity not wanting her but a man for herself, or just to be free from her to totally engross myself in my femininity and transition. So yes, if my beloved is indicative of the fears of the wife of a cd/tg then you are correct in your questioning assessment of are we the other woman.
      🍷C

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      • #583114
        Barb Wire
        Duchess - Annual
        Registered On: September 16, 2021
        Topics: 14
        Replies: 636
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        Hi Carolyne!

        YES! Thank you.

        When me and my SO were dating we went out with a group of friends, some with dates, some without. As we walked from one place to another, I put my arm on the shoulders of a single girl like buddies do. Well, that was a no-no! My future SO questioned/interrogated me for quite some time and I had to reassure her there was no other woman (or man)!

        It was during that era when my SO realized I was quite different than most guys, I always felt more comfortable with women than men (but I love football!), so my ‘gender-fluidity’ as it developed over the years kept me in my SOs good books, oddly enough. The more I realized I was gender-fluid, the more my SO loved and trusted me. Is this weird?

        🥂 Barb

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    • #581270
      Mary Jane
      Lady
      Registered On: September 30, 2020
      Topics: 23
      Replies: 396
      Has thanked: 675 times
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      I think it becomes adultery, when this other woman replaces our wives formost in our minds.

      We yearn, plot, scam, and plan for a ‘secret’ rendezvous.

      Sometimes cding as elements of porn driven lustful control… we have an image, or an idea of what true feminity should be, and we are repulsed that our other doesn’t meet that standard, and so we aim to surpass our ‘S.O’ reality.

      I’d say our S.O’s know something is up. Mine knows I dress. I have more makeup then she does. And she borrows it at times. But, im fully her man when with her.

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    • #580268
      Charlene Victoria
      Lady
      Registered On: November 29, 2016
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 244
      Has thanked: 1460 times
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      A few weeks prior to fully disclosing to my wife in 2020 my deep need for feminine expression I posted the following here on CDH.

      https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/what-do-you-really-think-now-that-you-know/

      Eventually the topic was moved to the wives only forum. One of the wives who answered and with whom I exchanged PM opened my eyes to this truth. When I did begin to dress and present more freely as a woman though not intentionally, I would be introducing a third party into our relationship, a woman nonetheless.

      Such an introduction is difficult for many wives. Intended or not it will be the case. She told me to be prepared for this. I prepared myself. She proved to be correct. My femme presence caused angst for my wife. That angst was not because I was dressing (or so she said) but because a woman was replacing her man and more importantly when I was en drab there was enough of “residual  Charlene” in my action, carriage, demeanor that she felt as if another woman was taking away her man.

      So yes from my own personal experience the “other woman” is there when we begin to seriously express our femme self. Thus was not my intention, but happened it did.

      Kindly,

      Charlene.

      • #583100
        Laura Lovett
        Lady
        Registered On: March 26, 2020
        Topics: 37
        Replies: 1565
        Has thanked: 5064 times
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        That is an interesting perception, but, of course, factually false.

        The clothes (and wig, makeup, forms at al) do not make a woman.

        I understand that it’s difficult for some women to see this, but nevertheless, it’s the truth.

        The clothes are designed and marketed at women. Until relatively recently, the design and marketing was mostly men. Creating an image that men thought women should look like – and many women rebelled, wearing trousers, jeans, t shirts and boots like men – cutting their hair short, burning the bra, everything.

        A feminine expression of yourself isn’t becoming a woman, unless you have HRT and various items of surgery – and even then there are those who have a tough time accepting that a person born a man can be a woman!!!

        Best thing to do in this situation is reassure her that the man has not been replaced, but is not only alive and kicking, but improved via the femme experience.

        It’s no-one’s choice but yours, how you wish to express yourself, and bottling it up dies no good, in my experience.

        I truly hope it’s not your experience!

        Stay well!!

        Love Laura

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      • #582948
        Val Marez
        Lady
        Registered On: November 26, 2021
        Topics: 3
        Replies: 13
        Has thanked: 35 times
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        And how did things develop from that revelation?

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        • #583089
          Charlene Victoria
          Lady
          Registered On: November 29, 2016
          Topics: 27
          Replies: 244
          Has thanked: 1460 times
          Been thanked: 1467 times

          I stopped dressing. I currently do a few subtle feminine things. They are intentionally subtle so as to help me manage my own femininity while not offending hers. And I pray that this will change.

          I have gently broached the subject of my own “gender brokenness” and the intense tension that it creates within numerous times since putting aside my free femme expression in hopes of opening up a discussion upon which we could build this part of our lives, but to no avail presently. I say “our lives” because ultimately it is “ours”. Whether open and out about it or closeted our need to express our feminine side will affect our spouse. She can deny that is “our problem” (as my ex wife did; “it” being the grounds for her divorcing me) but when two become one in a very real way, all issues become “our issues”.

          5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #580262
      Charlene Victoria
      Lady
      Registered On: November 29, 2016
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 244
      Has thanked: 1460 times
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      Definition of terms is so important for words, in spite of a decaying society that claims otherwise, do have particular specific meaning. Though commonly understood as sex outside the bounds of the marriage covenant, adultery’s root idea is a breech of trust. Therefore Christ explicitly teaches it is fornication not adultery that breaks the bonds of marriage.

      I suppose in the strict narrow definition of the word then our being closeted, is adultery. Our wives are trusting we are male, period. How many a wife after finding out that her man is a CDer is hurt because, “you didn’t trust me with this part of your life.” The other side of that coin is that the wife may be guilty of adultery (in the narrow strict definition) because her husband can’t trust her to manage his disclosure with understanding, compassion and eventual acceptance at least to some level. So when the “talk” is had and both spouses work out an acceptable resolution trust is in the place of being restored. This site is replete with many (to be sure not all) much improved marriage relationships when the husband is honest about his feminine side / needs and the wife though perhaps not supportive is able to accept. Why the improvement? No more adultery; i.e. breech of trust has been removed from the relationship. Thus it is written, “thou shalt not commit adultery.” Trust is so critical in relationship; a breech of that trust is damaging is it not?

      Trust is a sublime “thing.” It is part of the spiritual (do not read religious) dimension of the relationship. Though our wives “can’t necessarily put their finger on it” they do know, as do we as men, when that spiritual (the “Force” be with you) dimension is disturbed. . . . no matter how well we may think we are closeted.

      Kindly,

      Charlene

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    • #580252
      Stephanie Kennedy
      Registered On: March 15, 2019
      Topics: 20
      Replies: 1142
      Has thanked: 8840 times
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      Hi Barb I believe that is a question for SOs here in CDH . My opinion is SOs know more than we all think. They just have not put it all together yet.I remember when when my wife found my clothes she just freaked out and really did not know what to think. It amazes me how so many here including myself believe or believed that they could put together a few outfits complete with make up and wigs not to mention the accessories and not have anyone even suspect something is going on. I am sure they suspect their is another woman in their world and they can just feel it.  I believe the last thing they think their man is a cross dresser.  Many have said it before its just easier for you and your SO to just finally put it out there. How you let them know is important. The first thing they always want to know “are you gay”. Then just get ready for a next hundred questions. Then silence for a while because she is trying to put it all together so it makes sense to her. I believe the hard part for my wife was not be able to share her secret with anyone including her best friend. Adultery is one thing they can understand despite being devastated. Having her man expressing himself as woman even if it is just sometimes!!!!, they will never understand unless you explain why you enjoy it so much.

      Luv  Stephanie

       

       

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    • #579734
      Lacy Satin
      Lady
      Registered On: June 27, 2018
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 275
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      Women are very observant and if your married I think it’s almost impossible to keep it completely hidden.

      She more than likely knows something, but if she thought you were buying clothes and other feminine items for another woman I’m sure she would confront you about it.  If she does think you are cheating on her but is afraid to say anything about it, maybe because she’s afraid of losing you? Maybe it would be best if you let her in on your secret.

      My wife found one of my nightgowns I accidentally left in the dryer and she got extremely upset because she thought I was cheating on her. She was very relieved when I told her it was mine.

      We had a lot of deep discussions about it after that and it’s wonderful to have it all out in the open now.

      I don’t have to run away and hide when I want to dress and I can wear my feminine undergarments every day without fear of being caught. I also get to sleep in my nightgowns every night.

      My suggestion would be not to try to hide it. If she doesn’t know by now it’s only time before she does find out.  You may be surprised to find out that she doesn’t have a problem with it and both of you will be much happier in the long run.

      Crossdressing is really no big deal but cheating is definitely something that will kill a relationship. It’s much better to let her know the truth than have her suspect your cheating.

       

      • #583092
        Stephaniewy
        Lady
        Registered On: September 24, 2021
        Topics: 10
        Replies: 79
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        Lacy similar story here as well.  So Glad I told my wife so no hiding and no cheating.  She has her limits I am sure, maybe I will find them someday.  I think she likes having stephanie around.  Told me in bed the other night that she is glad that I am going a little more fem than more macho ( I was in panties and cami).  The next morning as we were having coffee, me in leggings, panties, bra and satin robe, she asked if I would like a wig. I about fell off my chair.  Lots of work to do before I would feel comfy in a wig,  but would so love it.

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        • #583758
          Lacy Satin
          Lady
          Registered On: June 27, 2018
          Topics: 4
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          Stephanie that sounds wonderful. I’m so happy for you.  I think once you see yourself in a long feminine wig it will drive you to that next step to want to put on makeup and then total transformation.

          It’s a wonderful escape from masculinity. The freedom of expression and wearing pretty clothes is very addicting.

          3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #580130
        Alana Teal
        Lady
        Registered On: June 9, 2020
        Topics: 5
        Replies: 86
        Has thanked: 838 times
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        Lacy,

        My story is similar to yours. I feel more relaxed in general, and I get to wear a nightgown every night, not to mention the unmentionables I wear everyday.

         

        Alana

        6 users thanked author for this post.
        • #580245
          Lacy Satin
          Lady
          Registered On: June 27, 2018
          Topics: 4
          Replies: 275
          Has thanked: 222 times
          Been thanked: 1354 times

          It is wonderful to be able to wear what you want when you want to without fear.

          5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579397
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 758
      Has thanked: 2827 times
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      To keep it short, a while ago my then partner found my clothes in my wardrobe. She had no idea and thought there was another woman. For that moment in time I was, in her mind, adulterous but we weren’t married. Other partners also had no clue either although there were some clues about.

      She had no idea and as for womens intuition? Not one family member or female friend had a clue. 

      Maybe in a marriage some may know but not talk about it until you do. For me the jury is out on that one.

    • #579395
      Alicen Thairms
      Lady
      Registered On: July 15, 2019
      Topics: 47
      Replies: 381
      Has thanked: 1475 times
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      As far as I am aware my SO doesn’t now I am crossdressing; we’ve talked about crossdressing and transgender subjects on a number of occasions and I have revealed that I know a lot about these things.

      One evening watching a comedy show which included a scene with a crossdresser in a over the top lingerie outfit – she asked me – ‘Is that what you wear when you dress up ?’ ; I replied ‘No, not the sort of thing I would wear’. Nothing further was said.

      So I think she does know or has an inkling and has decided not to say anything ? Well only the time will tell 🙂

      • #584100
        Laura Lovett
        Lady
        Registered On: March 26, 2020
        Topics: 37
        Replies: 1565
        Has thanked: 5064 times
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        I would wager that most people’s understanding comes from the media – mainstream films such as Tootsie, Mrs Doubtfire and >shudder< The Rocky Horror picture show.

        Great film, but I shudder at the image of cross dressing it leaves in people’s minds!

        Then there’s The Lumberjack Song. An accurate representation of how attitudes were back in the early 1970s.

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579350
      Laura Lovett
      Lady
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 37
      Replies: 1565
      Has thanked: 5064 times
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      Since the “other woman” is us, I don’t see that PoV as making any logical sense.

      However, logic does not apply to everything, so I see it as entirely possible that a woman who chooses not to get involved in the CDing side of her husband can reach all manner of intuitive and incorrect conclusions.

      Note: “intuitive AND incorrect”, as opposed to “intuitive AND correct” – I am not suggesting for a second that all intuitive feelings are incorrect, merely that some are!

      Adultery is when a married person voluntarily has sex with someone else – and don’t get me started on the woke faux psychology of emotional affairs!

      One of the points of love is that it is limitless and boundless, thus shareable with anyone and everyone.

      One of the points of marriage in most cultures is to save the most physical and intimate side for the person you’re married to.

      It’s not a difficult boundary! If you’re exchanging fluids, it’s probably off the marriage contract, otherwise it is probably OK.

      As we all know, some couples are rather freer in this – and if that’s their choice, it’s theirs alone to make and live with.

      But, unless you are equipped in such a way that it’s physically possible, then no, we’re not committing adultery.

      With women’s intuition, though, who knows what conclusions might be reached without a decent supply of information?

      Love Laura

       

    • #579325
      Michelle McQueen
      Lady
      Registered On: June 14, 2021
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 834
      Has thanked: 4633 times
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      I think first we have to define “adultery”. I get that some would feel any action that the SO does not know about and would like to keep secret falls in this category and others may consider only a physical sexual act to be adultery. Depends on the couple. I have heard some young GG’s don’t consider oral to be sexual but going all the way would be. Its a matter of definition in the mind of the beholder.

      I don’t know how much our SO’s suspect or know but when I came out to my wife she said…”Well that explains a lot”… so she did suspect but also said… “I thought you quit that years ago”

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