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Hi, all. I’m sure there have been other threads like this before, so please forgive the repetition.
So, some of you know I recently came very close to losing my mom to a sudden, unexpected medical episode. That jarred me in many ways, as I simply don’t know a life without my mom, to include living together for virtually my entire life. Most of the emotions I was able to talk out with friends and extended family, and I’ve also talked most of it out with Mom since she’s recovered. Then, there’s………
No surprise, Mom is unaware of my crossdressing, to the best of my knowledge. And it would be quite out of character for her to know and not say something or at least hint strongly that she knew. I do imagine she knows *something* is up. I have a full chest of drawers in the bedroom that’s fully padlocked shut. I mean, I’m not hiding that I’m hiding something.
When she was unconscious and I didn’t know if she would ever wake up, I couldn’t help but keep thinking that she was going to die with this big secret between us. It just feels wrong. At least to me. So, now that she’s recovered and coming home any day now, I’m wondering is it time to come clean?
She’s not going to disown me. That’s just not her, plus she needs me, even if only for self-preservation. That said, I can see her reacting in one of two extremes – she’ll either be over the top accepting or over the top unaccepting, one or the other, no middle ground. While one is obviously more desirable, I’m not sure either is especially good.
Assuming she reacts positively, I can definitely see her expecting a fashion show from me within five minutes (not doing that). I can also see her behaving as if every little thing is somehow related to my crossdressing, to illogical extremes. Just take my word for it, she does that. And I know I’d have to tell her multiple times daily that I’m only interested in women.
If she reacts negatively, I’ll need stitches. Seriously. But, this, I think, is unlikely.
But, positive or negative, my biggest fear is irreparably altering my relationship with my mother. This isn’t something that’s just forgotten in a month and all’s well. This is a fundamental change, no matter how you slice it. And I just don’t know how I would deal with it if things were forever weird between us.
So, that’s why I’m coming to the panel. I don’t know what the hell to do here.
Help.
Valerie,
Whetber to tell a parent or not is a very complex and personal question. For myself it took me well over 40 years before I had that talk with my mother, and then I was sure of her love and acceptance. Sure it has changed our dynamics somewhat, and l do understand she discuss the subject with my dad and sisters sometimes. I do however have my own home and family far enougg away that we do not see each other often she doesn’t try to push me either way but is merely concerned about my wellbeing..
You have to answer this one yourself with the thought of what would hurt YOU more in the long run. You’re scared of her reaction, which we all know this feeling. But at the same time you don’t like this secret between you. Is you staying secret and if she passes going to hurt more then the extra attention and continued reassurances that will be between the 2 of you. My thought on this from what I read is you feel you need and want to tell her. Good luck on your decision.
Kenzie
Hi Valerie,
Every relationship and circumstance is different, so only you can know whats right for you. That being said,
I wasn’t dressing while my mom was around, but I do wish she’d been able to meet this improved version of me.
It may in some small ways change your relationship, but as you said, she probably has recognized something is up. This will provide honesty and your need to hide in plain site.
Hi Valerie
This a a hard one, I lost my mother two years ago, I know that she would off always known, as they always know everything, to this day i wish I had told her and left it too late as i am now in my late 40s . This will always be on my mind, I also have a half sister that i only meet in my 20s, I will be having that conversation with her in the near future, I dont know how this one will go.
My advise to you is follow your hart and know what is wright for you
Good luck XXX
I haven’t told my mom and suspect she might know anyway since I’m sure she found my stash at least once when I was a teen.
I don’t know what her knowing would improve in our relationship. She has a view of me, a view I think she has, and we both accept that view that has nothing to do with my dressing. I don’t know if I would want her to overly worry and think the worst of my, my choices, or possible recklessness, so I keep this secret away from her.
I do worry that what if she just finds out or hears about it from someone else, then what. I don’t know, I’ll wait for that to happen if ever someday.
Val – I wrote bout this somewhat in my 2016 Memorial Day article
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/reflections-on-memorial-day/“Sadly, neither of my parents ever got the chance to meet the 5th daughter they never knew they had, for she was too afraid to show herself. They each at different times found out about my dressing but I wasn’t yet ready to admit to myself much less to others the depth of the feminine soul hidden within their son. So while Kevin was able to openly grieve for the loss of HIS parents, Cynthia had to keep that inside along with her tears. This weekend I am going to try and gather the courage to visit the gravesite as Cyn and finally tell them how much their daughter loved them and how sad she was that she didn’t get to show that to them while they were still alive. She’ll slip a picture and a copy of this note into the crypt if she can and hope that they will look down from above and see her for the first time.”
With my mom, I had moved in to her home for several reasons after my divorce, and when my kids at one point expressed an interest in possibly moving in with me, I kne I had to tell them about Cyn which also meant telling my mom. She was accepting though she didn’t want to see it at all, so we never really spoke about it again.
As others said in their replies, only YOU can know what is best in your own situation. I can only say look deep within yourself and follow your gut instincts-whichever answer that is. Praying that whatever choice you make, that you and your mom get many more years together. As one who will never again see my parents in this lifetime, I am glad others still have theirs to love and cherish.
CynSo, just got the word today. Mom is coming home tomorrow. I’m happy – ecstatic, even – considering what I thought in the beginning.
Still have no idea what I’m going to do. This is going to be quite difficult, no matter what.
I do want to thank everyone who responded. It helped.
I guess, for now, I should take advantage of what is likely to be my last chance to dress for the foreseeable future……….
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I have never told my mom, although I, like so many others, suspect that she has some suspicions. However, I never thought somebody from her generation would understand or accept it, and the last thing I would ever want to do in this world is disappoint her. But the other day we were talking with a group of friends at our community pool and the issue of transgender people came up. To my great astonishment, my mother was very supportive of TG acceptance. I swear my chin almost hit the ground. To hear my 84 year old mother saying whatever makes someone happy is okay with her, was frankly astonishing to me. I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come out to her, but just hearing her say that made me feel so much better. I wish you lots of luck whatever your decision may be, but never underestimate the power of a mother’s love.
Listen, my Mom had an interesting chat with me a little while ago, just the two of us on a long drive, about how much she supports Trans rights/movements/in general/ live your best life/ has the right open and supportive ideas. Truly, my Mom is a wonderful person. It was a logical progression of the conversation, not brought up from left field, but we did spend some time on the topic.
I never plan to tell her I love to cross dress. Even in my situation that is a perfectly valid choice to make. I tend to be more to-myself than most folks but still, it simply isn’t relevant to our relationship. I could feel loss over her never knowing “who I am” but I mean where are you going to draw that line? It’s kind of arbitrary.
Based on what you’ve got in your first post, if I were you in your shoes then I wouldn’t tell her. I know I break from the pack when I say that, but I’m not going to read what you’ve written and tell you it’s your choice. You want my opinion? Don’t tell her. I mean yeah we all want to be accepted and known to those who love us the most, and it is a social taboo here to be saying this, but look at the whole greater picture.
I read from your post talking about best/worse case, “While one is obviously more desirable, I’m not sure either is especially good.”
I can’t imagine how hard it is to be loosing your mother, truly I cannot and my thoughts are there with you, I know it will be my time at some point to go through this and I can tell you I’ll be a wreck (I’m a proud mama’s boy haha) but still, in this case specifically, I wouldn’t.
Again though it’s totally up to you. The gut knows way more than you’d give it credit for.
Listen to your gut.
So, after quite a lot of indecision, I did about a week ago. Got the most unexpected reaction – nothing. Nothing at all. As a matter of fact, I honestly thought she didn’t understand me.
Well, clearly now, she did. Still basically nothing. No questions. No commentary. Just a form of: “Oh, ok.”
I wasn’t prepared for this. I don’t know what to do with nothing, lol.
Val,
That’s a tough one. I had to tell my then 78 year old mom about my dressing when there as a possibility my kids (who were living with their mom ) were asking about moving in with me at my mom’s house (I was taking care of her in her old age). When I told her it was a similar reaction-kinda just “ok”. When I asked if she wanted to see me in Cyn mode, she said no and I respected that and ensured that she never saw me dressed at all in Cyn mode until she died four years later. While I was sad that she never got to know Cyn, I respected her wishes and feelings enough to make that sacrifice. I DID still dress at home (I hadn’t yet ventured out in public anyway) but made sure to do it behind closed doors and she respected my privacy. I hope you and your mom can work out a mutually acceptable way to allow you what you need while respecting her wishes -whatever those might be.
CynI told her I will not subject her to any visuals – not because she asked; it was unsolicited. She hasn’t said anything about it at all.
The most she’s asked is how I knew my jeans would fit. Specifically she said she’s sure I didn’t go in the woman’s dressing room. Well, no, I just know my measurements, kinda, didn’t try them on at all. And I don’t think I’d have had to go in the women’s if I had……
The snark is added here, not what I said to her. 🙂 I just told her I didn’t try them on at all, and I know roughly my size.
But that’s as much as she’s asked, so far.
I would have preferred my mother never knew as she was pretty unhappy about it, but she did as I have been a cd for most of my life. Rest of the family didn’t know until 5 or so years ago when I pulled my brother in law into the boat after he fell off his wakeboard and my sister saw my tattoo. She was cool about it and even joked she liked mine better than hers, but I still dress normal at family functions because I know how uncomfortable most of my family is. They seem happier just ignoring it and I accept that. At least now I don’t have to worry about getting caught. Every family is different and you would know better than most what they can accept.
Valerie I believe as you have done your best to dress in secret she definitely knows what you are doing my mom did I am sure of that but never really confronted me about dressing up as a woman I believe you and your mother have a special bond that can not be broken she will accept I believe cause it is who you are and there’s nothing wrong with that myself I was thinking last mother’s day weekend how much I wish my mom was still alive I would have spent the weekend with her and let her meet Jasmine I know she would have loved that ❤️
Valerie I believe as you have done your best to dress in secret she definitely knows what you are doing my mom did I am sure of that but never really confronted me about dressing up as a woman I believe you and your mother have a special bond that can not be broken she will accept I believe cause it is who you are and there’s nothing wrong with that myself I was thinking last mother’s day weekend how much I wish my mom was still alive I would have spent the weekend with her and let her meet Jasmine I know she would have loved that ❤️
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