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My SO is hanging in there with me and my recent coming out as CD. It has been a struggle; there’s been some forward progress and back sliding, she has gone back and forth between tolerance and completely unsure about me, and our marriage.
Neither one of us wants to end our relationship, but my SO believes we can’t just go along as we were before, too much has changed for her and she is trying to figure out what our relationship is gonna look like moving forward.
My question is for anyone with experience with couples/marriage counseling: Did it help seeking advice from a therapist?Hi Karli,
My beloved Susan and I are currently separated. Dressing was an issue, but there were other reasons as well.
I have been seeing a therapist. the very marvelous Patty, since January. First off, Patty is awfully good.
It has just been Patty and I, but I can’t see how seeing a therapist together can possibly hurt. Give it time though. It takes a number of sessions to click with the therapist. If the three of you aren’t on the same page, then find a therapist where there is chemistry.
Karli, what you and your wife have invested is too important not to make a major effort together.
Loving best wishes,
Diane
Karli –
My situation is similar. When I first came out to my wife she had a hard time understanding and had a lot of questions. I did the best I could to answer them, and to this day questions continue. She felt betrayed and lied to which I understood and still do. Weboth see therapists separately and will discuss what we are comfortable in sharing from our sessions. She has attended a couple of my sessions which helped me to understand some of her feelings and her to understand mine, but not something I would do again. We still have some rough spots but are able to talk and work through them. I still dress only at home when she is not present.
I have found therapy to be very helpful and started at the recommendation of my wife. I think any therapy would be helpful. I would suggest individual therapists for each of you and a separate therapist for both of you together. The reason I say this is that I find it easier to be open in my individual sessions as there are some things I don’t want to discuss in front of my wife. I think some of that is from hiding throughout my life, not only from others but also from myself.
I hope you find this helpful.
XOXO
Suzanne
Personally, I have a dim view of therapy. Highly educated, but they know so little. As a pre-teen, I was forced to see a therapist for some family issues. All involved should have just talked openly to each other. Please don’t let my negative experience dissuade those that choose therapy.
This cross-dressing issue is less destructive than other marital problems but is less understood. A wife going to therapy might feel that she is being coerced into acceptance.
I got more support and understanding by meeting other couples and befriending wives. Our CD husbands have their girly time, otherwise a dutiful husband for most of the time.
Eileen
Hi Eileen, I appreciate your view as the SO. I think many times the SO assumes the therapist will “side” with them. The ethical duty of a couple’s or marriage therapist is to do what’s best to keep the marriage intact (when possible). In our case, my wife didn’t like the suggestion she learn to live with Brielle. The therapist we have now is much more balanced in approach. She suggests we look at things from a fresh perspective, but unfortunately we arrived at a physical separation way before I’d hoped that would even be a possibility.
Most SOs also don’t want to engage with other CD or trans couples because they fear anything altering pre-conceived images of what marriage is, and deep down believe the CD or trans person is choosing what they want over their SOs wants.
It’s definitely a balancing act for the SO. Change your entire view of the marriage to “satisfy” the spouse, or take a hard line and likely end the relationship anyway.
Brie
Some women will never accept a CD husband, no matter how much therapy. Most success stories rely on how much compromise each partner is willing to make.
We had a 30 year history together, accepting her was worth the effort in the long run. No therapy, just lots of talking.
Eileen
Hi Karli, yes and no! My wife and i had been seeing a wonderful therapist for close to three years but couldn’t break through because I could never tell anyone about the real me. A year ago i finally came out to my wife. The therapist nudged us towards acceptance but the wife wouldn’t get there. A couple of months later i came out as trans. We reached an impasse and since we were both seeing her individually she referred us to a therapist who specialized in our issues. Every session has been extremely traumatic for one or both of us, and my wife just dug her heels in and refused to accept me. We do still love each other tremendously but just moved in to separate apartments. i feel like the new therapist steered us towards this by suggesting maybe we couldn’t fix it, etc.
So it basically depends. Neither therapist gave us much concrete to work on and almost every deep discussion ended up in a tearful end with no resolution.
I hope you have better success than I, but unless you both want a positive outcome it’s almost impossible for CDs and trans people to stay together.
Hugs,
Brie
Thank you for sharing your experiences and your honesty, I am not sure my SO and I will be able to reinvent our relationship in regards to my CD needs, and I am even so unsure at this point of where I will end up in my dual identity journey.
I wish you peace and satisfaction on your journey.*Karli
Hi Karli, one thing you mentioned above is that your wife didn’t think there was any going back to how things were. She is spot-on there! If you are able to move forward, you both have to realize the relationship has permanently changed. You still see her as before, but she now has this whole new persona to learn to be comfortable around.
That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it will involve a process of new “negotation” as you start again, just like when you first met. Winning back trust is incredibly hard, but possible if you are both willing to put in the work.
I hope you can get there!
Hugs,
Brie
You need to have a therapist that is knowledgeable about cross dressing and does not have personal issues with it. They can be very supportive but they are also walking a thin line. They will try to support both for a good outcome. Sometimes it is better to do some individual as well as joint counseling sessions.
My wife knew before we were married,m so she had an out. She at first asked a lot of questions, said no hormones or transitions, which was not an issue. Early on she participated a lot more than she does now. She certainly knows what I like and how I like to dress and what I would like from her. But sometimes hard for her to do so as of late.
Keep working at it.
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Absolutely. The marriage counselor I picked I thought would be objective. I was wrong. She also was not crossdresser aware or friendly. I am getting divorced and the counselor has a lot to do with it
Tina Que, I am so sorry, it is sad that the counseling didn’t go so well, I appreciate you sharing. It will be high on my priority to keep tabs and choose a therapist that is fair, balanced and knowledgeable, preferably with previous experience who has a good understanding, although I have my doubts such a therapist exists. Thank goodness we have this forum. The help and advice and general supportiveness of everyone here is such a comfort.
*Karli
All I can say is don’t overload her. Coming out full force isn’t always the best. Slow and gradual is the best way. Waking up in the morning with your Husband as a man one day and the next as a woman is a tough pill to digest. Just be easy and take your time.
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