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  • #404727
    Jessica Wilde
    Participant
    Registered On: October 5, 2020
    Topics: 29
    Replies: 122
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    So as my fiancé and I have been working on acceptance i have been thinking about certain things. Most of them concerning the success stories I read here about wives that are accepting, possibly supportive and then some that are willing participants with dressing.

    Part of the reason I came out was so I could stop hiding . I wanted so badly to be at least able to be open about this thing that is such a big part of me. I haven’t got that. I’m still hiding, still scared to talk about it, still don’t get to dress and still don’t get to buy anything so that I can dress if I got the chance to do so.

    I realize it’s only been a month and she is working on acceptance. She may one day accept it. Support will be another huge hurdle and participation i feel is probably out of the question.

    My struggle is this. I mustered all this courage to admit something to someone that I have never told a soul about. I told the one person I trust the most in hopes that I could be free. I’m still not free. We are struggling every day to save what I effectively destroyed. I am struggling every day with my decision to come out as it has not gone as I thought it might have. I was hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Neither of those happened but the initial reaction wasn’t bad and after a couple of days that changed to really bad. Then all along the way there have been little glimmers of hope, or so I thought, that made me think well she might be ok with it and then back to the struggle.

    She sends lots of mixed messages with her actions and I’m pretty confused. She’s very confused and so the struggle continues.

Viewing 19 reply threads
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    • #406445
      rebekka moore
      Participant
      Registered On: January 7, 2017
      Topics: 77
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      Jessica,

      One of the hardest things to see (and to get others to see) is, you have not destroyed anything.

      Your own words prove this (paraphrasing), you came out to your SO because you did not want to hide anymore, you TRUSTED her, she put you in a place that made you feel comfortable enough to share this most personal thing about you.

      We are who we are. and that does not make us bad people.  This is not a conscious choice, it is (for me anyway), something I am genetically made up to do and pursue.  I don’t know why.

      We cannot control how others may react, and that is difficult.  I was thinking about this very thing this morning.  My SO wants the “man” she married.  (This is my biggest concern when I fear she may be pursuing other “men”.  I am the man she married.  She partially saw what she wanted to see, and what I was willing to show her.  Then I too reached the point where I trusted her enough, and felt comfortable enough to tell her.  The outcome has not been good.

      Feel good about who you are, and who you want to be.  Be kind, thoughtful, appreciative as I’m sure you are.  Those things may make her realize what a good person you are, regardless of what you happen to be wearing.

      Love and Hugs,

      Rebecka

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #406436
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 29
      Replies: 122
      Has thanked: 154 times
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      Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

      Thanks Mandy. As usual you’re very helpful to me.

    • #406397
      Julie Carson
      Participant
      Registered On: October 26, 2020
      Topics: 0
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      You know hon the same thing happened with me and my wife. At first she was furrious calling me names saying i needed help needed to stop. Said she married a man not a transvestite. About a month or so laterr she asked if i was still dressing and i told her i was and couldlnt stop any more than she could stop being feminine and that i didint want to. She then told me as long as i kept it in the hosue it would be ok, just ask her first. So at least once a week i would ask for a feminine day and she never said no, in fact sometimes she would look at me and tell me i needed a feminine day. So dont give up and dont fear her. Knowing who you are. About a year later we had gone shopping together and i had bought some makeup at macys. As we werre walkking to the car she told mme she loved her femininty and coudl see how i loved mine. 💋 👄 Julie

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    • #406146
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 29
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      As someone who’s been suffering in a DADT for 25 years I can give you one piece of advice…TELL HER SHE’S GIVING MIXED SIGNALS AND YOU’RE CONFUSED.

      -Jen

      This may be a blonde moment for me here but what’s DADT?

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #406379
        Mandy Wife
        Participant
        Registered On: September 12, 2019
        Topics: 5
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        Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

    • #405953
      Jennifer McCrennaugh
      Participant
      Registered On: July 18, 2019
      Topics: 8
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      As someone who’s been suffering in a DADT for 25 years I can give you one piece of advice…TELL HER SHE’S GIVING MIXED SIGNALS AND YOU’RE CONFUSED.

      -Jen

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #405822
      Bobbi Sue
      Participant
      Registered On: September 15, 2020
      Topics: 12
      Replies: 99
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      1.  YOU did not destroy anything.  You were simply honest about who you are.

      2.  You can keep trying but at some point you might want to consider that you are simply in love with the wrong person.

      3.  The good news is that you are not married.

      ❤ This is gold. ❤

    • #405791
      Emily
      Participant
      Registered On: April 30, 2016
      Topics: 16
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      Jessica,

      My heart goes out to you in this situation. As I read your thoughts, it was like reading my own story. I can relate to so much of it. I know, that doesn’t make it any better for you. My wife and I have been married for 33 years. I came out to her about 20 years ago and after 20 years of back and forth, acceptance and rejection, we have settled on a don’t ask, don’t tell level. I realize that is not optimal, but it’s better than the hostility we have been through in the past.

      Other ladies have commented that this situation you are in is not one that you alone created. I agree whole heartedly with that response. You can’t continue to live a lie forever and hope you don’t get “caught”. That’s no life for either of you.
      Best of luck in the future. I’m praying for you.

      Emily

    • #405776
      Felicia Millan
      Participant
      Registered On: October 26, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 4
      Has thanked: 53 times
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      My girlfriend (now wife) said she was accepting when I told her, but it took along time for both of us to understand how this would fit into our relationship. Its been 7 years and we are stilling figuring out things, but it does get better it just takes time. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about anything your going, we probably have been through a similar scenario.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #405749
      Amanda Burton
      Participant
      Registered On: January 15, 2020
      Topics: 9
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      Jessica sweetie, it’s been really only a short time since you told her, this is a huge grenade  you have detonated emotionally into her life. It’s going to be extremely hard for her to take it fully  in and process what this going to be like. We often forget that this is just as difficult for our SOs to come to terms with, as we struggled to understand ourselves,so imagine how they must feel. Time hopefully will help , definitely be patience, let her process it slowly, the different mood swings and various changes of acceptance are part of the this on going emotional battle that’s  often overlooked by us as desperately we push to hard to be accepted because we are frightened of the consequences and repercussions of our revelations. Take it slow, give her space, be honest, and keep the communication between you open.

      Good luck I wish you both love.

    • #405489
      Sandy Jayson
      Participant
      Registered On: September 29, 2019
      Topics: 14
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      Best of luck to the both of you.  Keep loving her and give her the space she needs.   I hope for your sake she gives you some direction for what she is thinking.

      Sandy

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    • #405441
      Leah
      Participant
      Registered On: June 13, 2018
      Topics: 3
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      I told my wife about 4 months in to our dating as we were getting more serious.  I know I wanted to give her the options to walk away if it was something she could not handle or deal with.  I did not want to have to hide or not have her be a part of my CD.   While she says “this is my thing: I keep reminding her that it is “our” thing.  My dressing does nothing for her, but does assist with my makeup, and does not have a problem with me fully dressing up (as long as no one will be stopping by) or wearing lingerie at night.

      She just wants some balance with my dressing up as she does not want me in feminine mode all the time.  Be up front and honest as to your wants, desires and feelings.  She will need time to process all of this

    • #405415
      Lea
      Participant
      Registered On: March 23, 2016
      Topics: 59
      Replies: 201
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      When you care about what any other person thinks, it becomes a struggle. I told my wife many years ago, I leave things visible, I stealthily underdress or even subtly dress. It’s still a daily struggle, just to feel accepted and to feel me.

      It seems so unfair. I support my wife in everything she’s ever gone through, all her challenges, all her endeavours, things I couldn’t even fathom yet showed they support.

      But with crossdressing, it’s a struggle and wweirdly I want her approval and support. So it’s a struggle.

    • #405350
      Nancy Gamms
      Participant
      Registered On: March 1, 2017
      Topics: 11
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      I told mine pre marriage and she was not in favor, I tried to quit, we tossed my stuff out together, it doesn’t work.  You need to find a happy medium.  If she doesn’t want to see or know that is fine so long as you have your opportunities and are happy with that.  Mine has found things over the past 27 years and it seems we have a don’t ask don’t tell policy.  I keep stuff tucked away and with work travel and now work from home while wife and work I have more than enough opportunities to let Nancy have her time.  I have no desire to go full time or transition in any way.  I have thought about it as I think we are do but am quite content as I am.  Best of luck to both of you.

    • #405278
      Seren
      Participant
      Registered On: March 2, 2020
      Topics: 37
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      Hey Jessica 👋

      Like the other girls have said, give it time. I’ve been through the same; I didn’t have any idea of how things would play out when I told my wife in March this year just that I knew for some reason that I had to tell her.
      since then it’s been baby steps…. each one moving closer to acceptance.

      Dm me anytime, happy to chat

      Seren xx

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    • #405266
      Matilda
      Participant
      Registered On: October 26, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 2
      Has thanked: 196 times
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      Hi Jessica,

      Sadly, I don’t have any helpful words of wisdom. You have eloquently described the situation I find myself in as well and I want you to know you aren’t alone in this struggle.

      It definitely feels like a state of limbo. One day my wife painted my toenails and I was hopeful that things were heading to a better place and the next time we directly talked about it things just seemed worse.

      Please feel free to message me if you want to talk more or even just to vent. I hope things improve for you.

      Matilda

      8 users thanked author for this post.
    • #405217
      Mikayla Welsh
      Participant
      Registered On: April 29, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 61
      Has thanked: 392 times
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      It is painful…  and no one really knows where the conversation will head, or if the relathionship will last… it is an open question?  I am also struggling through this with my wife.

      In college, I had some lingerie that I would wear in my apartment for stimulation.  After several weeks of dating, my girlfriend (now wife) found the lingerie and had some explaining to do… at the time, I thought it was a fetish / arousal thing.  I buried what (I now realize) were my true feelings and my true self. Fifteen years later, this self got revealed to my beloved (by accident… she saw an order for some clothing in my Amazon account).  For the past six months or so, we have been struggling with it.  Counseling has helped me come to terms with my identity, but my wife has doubts about what she can accept… it is tearing us apart.

      So, as the saying goes, to make a long story short (too late), I think you did the right thing in revealing this side of yourself to your fiance.  Lies will only make things SIGNIFICANTLY worse. I have trust issues that still cloud my judgment and my conversations with my wife.

      I highly recommend that both of you get professional help as talking to each other may be unproductive and end in crushed souls too often than not… I am NOT advocating hiding anything from her, but counseling can help everyone work through their feelings so when those conversations happen, you and your fiance are coming to it with some perspective.

      Good luck!

      Mikayla

    • #405200
      Sutekina
      Participant
      Registered On: January 27, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 77
      Has thanked: 1261 times
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      Try to find the “nightmare” messages on this forum and see if she might be willing to look at it. So many come out after years of marriage or was discovered by accident and usually the results are not positive. She’s probably wondering if you have any homosexual tendencies or if at some point you want to transition to full-time. If she’s thinking about  having children with you, what will the home and nurturing children look like? She’s banking her lifetime on you and she’s probably wondering if she’ll be able to grow old with her husband or end up with a female acquaintance.

      You gave your soul away and that is your most valuable diamond, but you gave it to a person that can’t appreciate it the way you do. As much as it  pains you, you can’t expect any response you think you should get. You dropped a bomb on her and bombs take time to process.

      9 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404911
      Regine Rich
      Participant
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 237
      Has thanked: 2404 times
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      Hi Jessica.
      Just want to give my,,,,advice? opinion?
      My wife and I have been together over 40 years, and through those years, there have been many trials and tribulations, which I wont go into, but through them all, they had one thing in common, we hung on to each other, even when there are differences holding us apart. Patience, and little conversations, dont push things, and ALWAYS put yourself in the others shoes, see things from their side, not yours.
      I was terrified to tell my wife , but when I did, I was one of the lucky ones, but her response was after all we have been through, you really thought this was make or break? And I now change into Regine minutes after walking in the house.
      so, patience, my love, let her move at her pace, but make sure she always knows you are there for HER, and above all else, If you truly love her, show her.
      Hugs, Regine

    • #404733
      Celeste Starre
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 26
      Replies: 628
      Has thanked: 152 times
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      1.  YOU did not destroy anything.  You were simply honest about who you are.

      2.  You can keep trying but at some point you might want to consider that you are simply in love with the wrong person.

      3.  The good news is that you are not married.

    • #404732
      Jill Sweet
      Participant
      Registered On: November 2, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 69
      Has thanked: 99 times
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      Hi Jessica

      I went through this about 20 months ago and the first few weeks were very hard. My wife didn’t say anything negative but that she needed time to think. While she was thinking I was losing my girly mind. I had to give her space but I wanted an answer. Well I wanted a couple answers. first that the two us would get through this and second that crossdressing had a place in our lives. I felt like I had put something so deeply personal, like you said that no one else knew, in someone else’s hands. I felt like I had no say over this fundamental part of me. I had to be very patient. My wife had a therapist at this time and she talked to my wife and they got to the point that my wife said that she loved me and wanted me to be at peace and yes that crossdressing had a place in our lives. I did feel that there was indeed peril when I told her. She needs someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t just give an opinion but someone who can help her work through her feelings. Let me know if you want to talk more

      Jill

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