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The struggle, that internal conflict between the side of us that wants to accept and enjoy our femininity and the side that tells us cross-dressing is wrong and worries about what others would think or say if they discovered our secret. We all experience it. For some here, the struggle is over. You’ve found the masculine/feminine balance that works for you and embrace whatever degree of femininity that provides that balance. For others, you are still riding the pendulum back and forth, rejecting and accepting your femininity, and maybe also feeling indifferent at times too.
I am still struggling. While I have discussed this with some friends here, and have gotten plenty of support, I am still looking for ways to address some of my concerns. So, I am posting this for the whole CDH community to see and answer.
My cross-dressing journey began during my adolescence when I started noticing girls. In addition to the girls, I noticed and became curious about their clothes, shoes, make-up, etc. I can’t explain it. I’m sure you all know the feeling though. It took a while before I finally tried on some lingerie, and when I did, I enjoyed the new feelings I experienced, things I’ve never felt while wearing guy clothes.
Over time, I went from just undergarments to dresses and skirts and tops. Next, I got wigs and shoes. Later, I got make-up, jewelry, breast forms and shape enhancing garments . I have also gone out in public en femme and even gotten dressed up for a professional makeover. All of that did not happen during a continuous time during which I accepted my feminine side. It happened over about 30 years of accepting and rejecting my feminine side. There were also two purges of clothes and accessories during that time.
To some extent, I have gotten over the concern about what others might think of my dressing up. I really couldn’t care less if strangers react negatively to me while en femme. However, I am still concerned that my cross-dressing could hurt those who are close to me. That is one factor that keeps me struggling. I am also somewhat concerned about what might happen if my employer found out about my cross-dressing. The thing that bothers me most about cross-dressing is that it is getting more and more difficult to control my feminine side. The more I dress up, the more I want to dress up and the more I want to perfect my presentation as a woman. I went from dressing up in private, looking as ridiculous as an actor in drag for comedic effect, to getting myself passable enough to be comfortable in public, to dressing up for a professional makeover. Every experience I’ve had as a woman has been enjoyable and made me want to try a new experience. Where will it end? Have I crossed the line between CD and transgender? If not, is that where I’m headed? If my being a CD is going to cause problems in my personal life, imagine what would happen if come out as TG. What puzzles me is that, aside from my cross-dressing, I’ve lived a pretty normal life as a guy. I’m not one who thinks or feels that I was born in the wrong body. I apparently just have an insatiable curiosity about what it is like to be a woman.
Are any of you experiencing something similar? How do you deal with it?
Hi Stephanie, I think all of those things daily, the only thing different is I haven’t had a professional make over(although I’m dying to have one). It’s like where sisters from opposite sides of the globe. I’m extremely interested in what the other girls have to say, thank you so much for raising the topic. Dani👩🏻🔧xoxo
I hear you Stephanie, I go through this continuously also. I give my struggle up to God, and it really does help! However, old habits die hard!
Strangely enough, this week I feel as though I entered yet the next step in all of this, and just ready to meet other crossdressers too. Yet, I too also think how this might affect others as well!
But yes, I still to continue to feel like it is either choosing God, or choosing crossdressing? I do not want to delude myself into thinking that I can do both, in which, in all do honestly, I cannot!
All that I have to say is, try giving the situation to God, and see what happens from there?
Very well put Stephanie. i think you are right we all struggle to some extent and i also worry about hurting those that i care about and love and of course my employer and society are all a concern. i cannot really get over what others think – whether it is about me being a CD or Transgendered does not seem all that different. i am pretty sure that i would transition if not for all the things you mention but then again i am very happy in my boy life – i have a wonderful SO, family and friends. If i were to totally come out as myself i risk all that so i have a balance. It does still tend to move and as you say the desire to be my femme self certainly is overpowering at times. Maybe that struggle is just a part of everyone’s life? It may be different issues but we all struggle between the self we show and our true self inside, at least i think most of us do.
hugs and kisses,
suzette
Hi Stephanie,
Like most of us Girls I have been through most of what you have been through except for the makeover and I feel the same as you. I am a genetic male but deep inside I feel as a female. I underdress when I go outside In fact she has agreed to me getting Breast implants. I would do HRT but because of some health issues I have I cannot go that route but if my Dr. will allow me I want to do implants.
I have not been out En-Femme but plan on doing it in the near future. You see I live in the Bible Belt of the US, South Carolina, and I’d fear for my life if I went out dressed. When I am home I am dressed En-Femme 24/7. My SO totally supports me in my XDing and in fact we are going out today to buy her and I some girl clothes.
We are planning on moving to Florida within the next few months and I should be able to go out dressed a majority of the time.
Luv & Hugs,
Kathleen
I’ve been wearing stockings, pantyhose, heels and bras since I was 4. I wanted dresses too but they were not within my reach. I was so attracted to the clothes. I loved wearing them. They made me feel so nice.
I was 13 when I began buying my own pantyhose. I loved sheer to waist and that was all I would buy. Taking those brand new pantyhose out of the package and putting them on was such a wonderful feeling. They looked so great and felt so nice.
At 17 I saw Daisy Duke. I had to dress like her. I had to look like her. I bought some short shorts and platform wedge heels. I so loved wearing them with my pantyhose. The look and how I felt was like nothing I could get from anything else.
But I wanted and needed more. I wanted the dresses, bras, breasts, hair, panties, everything I needed to look like Daisy. At 18 I got my own place and began buying all the femme clothes I wanted so bad. I got a couple of Daisy like wigs. When I dressed, it was always, would Daisy wear this?, or how would Daisy look in this?
Then I decided to go out. It was very scary, but I did it pushing through intense fear. Then I went to a college Halloween Party dressed fully fem in one of my favorite and sexiest outfits. Shiny sheer to waist pantyhose, stiletto heels, extremely short dress, matching bra and panties, with perky balloon breasts and one of my Daisy wigs. I was so excited wearing this out fit. I couldn’t wait to wear it to the party.
The night of the party I was having reservations. I would have to go fully dressed. Even though I had been out many times before, it was always in carefully selected locations. This was out in the open. What if I ran into tormentors? Would I even be able to walk in these heels in the dark over uneven pavement? The night of the party my fear was very strong and my desire even stronger.
I walked from the house to the car and drove to the party. I parked the car. This was the big moment. Get out and walk to the party or drive back home? I built up my courage and got out. I began walking towards the building. There was other people out there. My fear was pushing me back. Desire and excitement was propelling me forward. I was walking along with other people on the path. I passed several going the other way. No problems. I got to the building. it was light in there and lots of people around. I nearly turned back but I went in. Now I had to get in an elevator with other people. I was standing there in a group waiting for the next elevator. I was very nervous and very excited. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I got in the elevator with several other people. Just some people riding in an elevator. We made a few stops. People left and new people came in.
I felt trapped in a way. What if there was a problem? I was sure I was noticeable. In my stiletto heels I was 6’4″. Pretty tall for a girl. Not so much for a guy in stilettos. My very short dress and shiny pantyhose showed a lot of leg. How often do you see a guy wearing this? Or are they seeing a girl? They had to notice my perky breasts, my magnificent Daisy hair and my makeup. But I didn’t seem to be getting any reactions. I got to my floor and got out. I made it to the party. Now, how would they react to me? There was a couple of girls receiving guests. They asked me for my name or what I was supposed to be. I was going to say Daisy Duke, but I chose Debbie Daniels instead.
I began to notice a lot of eyes on me. I began getting compliments on my legs, pantyhose, shoes and hair. Then I began to get hit on quite aggressively by both guys and girls. I realized I had girl power. I had been on the guy side for so long. I recognized the weakness. See a sexy girl and just melt. Now I was the girl. I teased and flirted. I even got touched and groped and I permitted it, way beyond where I ever thought I would allow it to go. But I was 18 and totally caught up in my girl power.
That night I won “sexiest costume” and “best legs”. I also met other dressers who invited me to party with them. We did a lot of partying. I loved being Daisy Duke like. I loved the parties, I loved the clothes, I loved the attention, I loved trying to look like Daisy Duke. Patty was just a character I created. I loved being her, but she was like a secret part of me. I could be out in public or parties as Patty but she offered me some anonymity. I loved the feeling and experience of wearing the clothes. I loved how I looked. I loved my girl power and enjoyed using it.
But I love being myself and being a guy too. I put my pumps, pantyhose, dress, bra, panties and wig back in the closet and draws, put on my boring drab clothes and I’m back to being me. I like that. I dress everyday as Patty, except when I can’t, shouldn’t be or it’s impractical. I never wanted to change. I enjoy being both. I guess I’m gender fluid. It’s worked well for me for a long time. I see or have no reason to change.
As far as I’m concerned, the struggle within over cross dressing is over.
It’s something I share with tens of thousands, if not millions of others, so it’s nothing wrong with me, it’s simply part of me.
God doesn’t have a problem with the way we present ourselves externally, although good old Deuteronomy seems to have had, a few thousand years ago when societies and clothes were very different. He also denounced shellfish as well as a number of other things that we would consider silly. Certainly not “abominations”!
Anyone citing Deuteronomy as an argument against cross dressing should be asked whether stoning should be re-introduced as a punishment, and rapists be punished by being forced to marry their victims…
Even the wider society is much more accepting of people who are a bit different nowadays, although this varies from country to country. I’ve only encountered a very few closed minded idiots who want to say something about my appearance in a negative way.
The main problem lies in individuals who see problems where none exist, because of lack of understanding.
It took me nearly 50 years to reach the understanding I have now, and most of the understanding came from being a member of this site.
I finally realised that I am far from being alone and that others have had similar struggles, not just in recent years, but over decades, possibly millenia, while mamy societies have actively embraced gender diversity as a simple matter of course, or rejected it, depending on the views of those in charge.
It’s not a problem for me any more. The problem simply lies in educating others – and we are best placed to provide that education. The challenge lies in delivering it and overcoming the obstacles to enlightenment!
Love Laura
Laura sweetie your reply was beautiful and brilliant to read, well written with dynamic truths. Educating others is the exact problem we face.
Amanda x
HI Stephanie, As the saying goes, been there, done that. Some wit once said that the difference between CD and TG was “about 5 years.” For me, it was just over 3 years from the time I discovered Bettylou. I think you progress along the CD spectrum until you find the niche where you are comfortable being you, and it takes….well, as long as it takes. It may take awhile longer to fully embrace and accept this new “self”, but when you do, the opinions of others ceases to be an issue*
*POSSIBLE EXCEPTION: In my case, my wife requires me to keep Bettylou from our kids and her friends, so she will not be embarrassed, and I honor her wishes.
I do have one possible advantage over some others: Being long-since retired, and not much of a social animal (except here) eliminates some possible constraints I might otherwise have. Neither do I think I was born in the wrong body (I once did); but in my head, I’m Bettylou all day, every day, and I believe I could be comfortable presenting as her that way, if it were practical.
Hugs,
Bettylou
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