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So I told my fiancé of 10 years that I’m a crossdresser last night.
We had been out shopping for panties and some loungewear/sleepwear and I was on a bit of a euphoric high because I had got my first ever VS panties and some she had let me get some women’s loungewear and a cute little athletic tank top also. I was totally in girl mode and cleaning house and helping her do things around the house. I had made mention of girl mode to her a few times over the evening trying to get her to ask about it in an effort to start the conversation about my crossdressing as I have been trying to tell her for some time now.
Well she took the bait and said to me what’s this girl mode thing? I asked her if she would like to know more about the feminine side of me? She of course said yes.
I began by telling her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her and only her for the rest of my life. Then I just let out my big secret. ( one of the hardest things I’ve ever done). She had all the usual questions starting with the one everyone gets the first, are you guys? Followed by do you want to live as a woman? I assumed her that neither of those were the case. I so assumed her that she was the only one who knows and she assured me that she wouldn’t tell anyone.
She then began to ask questions about how long i had been doing it, how it got started, to what degree did I like to go with it ( did I like wearing just lingerie or did I like to dress fully as a woman heels and the whole nine yards )? I told her all the way and she said I just don’t understand why you would want to do that. I told her that I didn’t quite understand it either and that it had taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact it was a part of me that wouldn’t go away. I told her of all the times I had tried to stop and how the urge to dress had come back stronger with each time. I also told her that I now realized that it brought balance into my life and that it helped me to better understand her and her feelings and that it was also bringing me closer to her in ways due to the greater understanding of the plight of women. I told her that I wouldn’t dress in front of her unless she wanted me to.
Throughout the conversation she kept going back to a come of things. One was asking if I was gas and each time I had the same reply which was no because I’m not. The other thing was she just didn’t understand all of it. She said she couldn’t understand how dressing would help me to understand her better or how it would be relaxing to me. She said some women’s clothes are not relaxing to wear. I agreed that some aren’t very comfortable but they are still relaxing to me.
Let me talk about my masculine self for just a second. I’m a manly man. Kinda rough, I like traditionally manly things, I participate in manly activities. I have always been in touch with my feminine side though. I’m pretty soft hearted and get my feelings hurt pretty easily not that those are feminine traits but they’re not necessarily masculine traits either. I guess at the end of the day I don’t quite understand myself either.
My fiancé said you’re such a manly man. I never would have expected this from you. She said don’t you feel silly all dressed up. You can’t feel pretty because you’re not a girl. I told her I knew I wasn’t pretty but I do feel pretty when I’m dressed.
All in all the conversation went better than I had expected or planned though not quite as well as I was hoping for. I feel she is left confused and questioning a lot of things. I told her I knew it was a lot to digest and that she would need time to process what I had told her. She agreed. I apologized for not telling her sooner and let her know that I only wanted her in my life and that I wasn’t trying to hurt her or push her away. She thanked me for telling her the truth and told me she wished I would have done sooner but she was grateful that I did tell her as she suspected something was up.
Iam now left with a little remorse over telling but I couldn’t keep it from her any longer. I kinda wish I hadn’t told her but kinda glad I did also. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. My biggest fear in this is that she will leave me and I certainly don’t want that to happen.
you did the right thing by telling her. I You should have told her before you asked her to marry you ..in my opinion. It will take time for her to process all of this and she will haev many questions in which you need to fully honestly answer. In the long run, this will bring you closer and hopefully she will get on board and you both can enjoy dressing up
keep us posted
Congratulations, Jessica. That’s absolutely fabulous that you had the courage to reveal all. Sounds like your SO was already suspicious, as we find out later many are. Positive from this she hasn’t packed her bags and fled, or even asked you to leave. Now talking and honesty is a major player from now on. My best advice would be to move forward at her pace of acceptance, the more she see its not a treat and gets to understand your need to CD. She may very well accept it within the relationship. This acceptance and what’s acceptable is a level only known to her, once she has found that level, it’s something you are going to have adapt your dressing too, and would pushing it further result in a fracture of the relationship. I wish you both the best and good luck. Keep the communication going.
After the talk comes the questions, followed by the agreement… now the cat is out of the bag, it’s not going back in, not even with its feet tied together.
Your story echoes my own – and literally thousands of others, if not millions. It’s not easy, but is full of rewarding moments that can be life affirming, life changing and even epiphanies to a better life you never imagined possible.
I mean the journey after coming out to a SO. I kinda tried for something like 14 years, but only made it official a couple of years ago.
My wife says she’ll never accept, but it was her idea for me to go and stay in Brighton every few weeks, so that’s acceptance at one level.
Others have had better luck – it all depends on your partner and your relationship.
I had to really think about it – would I sacrifice my family over clothing?
Don’t be silly!!
Would my wife?
Only if she was really superficial and didn’t deserve me.
Would I divorce my wife because I didn’t like the way she dresses, or because she stopped wearing makeup?
No! She’s still the same person I fell in love with, all those years ago.
I haven’t changed, I just decided that it was worth the risk – I could trust her enough to share this thing which I knew women had divorced their husbands over – I knew couples who had gone through this, and I despised the shallowness of the women in each case.
I would not want to be married to such a person, and I know my wife isn’t shallow – but I understand that she’s confused by it.
I was confused for 50 odd years, but had no-one to talk to about it and get the proper perspective.
The perspective is that we are all different, and, in the 21st Century, can express our gender feelings the way we need to. So many movies have a man crying scene, for example. We all know we need to feel able to let it show, and we cross dressers have so much to show!
Self expression is vital to life, vital to development.
You stop expressing yourself and stick with ideas of what everyone around you expects (and I don’t mean shirking responsibilities), and people treat you like part of the furniture.
Put a cat in a box and people wonder if it’s dead or alive.
Same with people.
Express yourself, own yourself (yourselves, if you like!), and live the dream – but with your feet on the ground.
Love your partner for all you’re worth, but don’t neglect yourself!
Good luck, honey!
Love Laura
Laura, sweetie you write some really beautiful and terrific replies. Pleasure to read.
Thank you so much Amanda! That was very uplifting.
I have to admit that I’m in a weird, worried funk right now over telling her. I know it was the right thing to do but I’m also doubting my decision at the same time. She was off today and had plenty of time to think on all that I said. I hope maybe she took a minute to do a little research of her own.
You are right I would never trade what she and I have but the poor ol cat won’t even fit back in the bag at this point. I know I just have to ride it out. Even the strongest of storms eventually come to an end.
Thank you so much!
Jessica
Jessica sweetie, the road you are on now may have many potholes & many storms to ride out. Just keep your cool, be honest, but above all make sure she understands that you love her 100 %, and your still beneath Jessica the man she knows you are. If the pressure gets to much for you both please please please consider talking to a trained counsellor in this field, it could make all the difference in both of you understanding each other.
OK girls I’m home from work and I have slipped into my usual evening attire which tonight is one of my most favorite pairs of capri leggings and one of my new loungewear tops from our shopping excursion yesterday ( quick side note – she told me last night that she didn’t mind the leggings, my panties or the loungewear at all. One would think the panties might be a stumbling block but she told me that she’s ok with them because that’s what I like as my underwear and she’s good with it ) and I’ve got a few to respond to your replies to this topic. She left to go to the grocery store as soon as I got home but reassured me that it was just coincidence and she had not planned it that way. I offered to go along but she said she knew that I probably wanted to sit down and relax for a few being as I had just walked through the door.
I have to say this. My fiancé is one of the most caring, loving, compassionate, understanding, forgiving and accepting people I have ever encountered. This is why I asked her to marry me and why I hope she still will.
I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have replied to me on this subject! I greatly appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement, The advice, the sharing of your own stories and the support that has been shown towards me. I’m a firm believer in all things happen for a reason and my joining this site is no exception. I have almost joined a number of times in the past but never did. When I joined recently I thought to myself if this isn’t a supportive environment then I’m outta here. I have had nothing but support here and have enjoyed getting to be myself without judgement. Everyone on here, not just the ones involved in this conversation have helped me accept myself and love myself. All of your bravery in your own lives has inspired me to do what I did last night and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart! Thank goodness for CDH!
Love,
Jessica
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If she has any questions, or would like to talk to others in a similar situation, maybe she could join the section of this website for SO and spouses. It may help her understand you better, and allow her somewhere safe that she can ask any questions she may have.just a suggestion.
Congratulations for taking this big step. It has been a year since I came out to my wife. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I had reached a point where I had to do it.
You are now in the tricky time when it would be easy to let this part of you slip back into obscurity never to be discussed again. It is important to keep the lines of communications open and encourage your partner to ask any questions she has, but it is also important not to make her feel pressured into participating in this part of your life before she is comfortable with it. You have lived with this for years and have had time to do your research, self analysis and to come to terms with this. Your partner has just been dropped in the deep end. Reassure her by continuing to be the person she fell in love with.
I found the book “Living with crossdressing” by Savannah Hauk very helpful. It would be a good one for a partner of a CD to read (I wish my wife would read it).
Something that helped my wife was watching the movie “Just like a woman” (1992) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104576/
It shows many of the common threads that many of us seem to share. I think it helped her understand that it was not some kink or fetish but something deeper. It also showed how many of us struggle with this aspect of ourselves – I think it gave her some valuable insight into this side of me.It sounds like you have a wonderful partner and you did the right thing by allowing to get to know you a little bit better.
Best of luck,
D.
Ok girls . Quick update here.
Yesterday when I got home nothing was said about the conversation of the previous night. She went to the grocery store and got back home and then we fixed supper as usual and still not a word. We went about our evening as we usually do and still no word of the conversation. The time came for our showers and I was going to get in first as I was the one who needed to go to bed first since she was off today. She asked if I needed to shave ( I shave my thighs, my privates, butt and my underarms and she knows this and she also knows it takes a minute as she is a woman and shaves just a little more than myself ). I said that I did need to shave as it had been a day or two since I had done so. I asked her to feel my legs to see if I really needed to shave as my leg hair doesn’t really grow that fast and she said you better shave. she also said she needed to shave also. I asked her to join me in the shower and she said agreed to do so.
As she watched me shave I noticed a calm and accepting look on her face. It was almost a look of well this is who he is and a part of him and I accept that. She finished up her shower and then off to bed. She had put on one of her cute nighties and a pair of her new panties from our VS shopping trip to entice me and it worked ( I think she was testing me to see if I was interested in fooling around and of course I was all about it ).
Moving on to today. I worked and she was off. I was close to the house near lunchtime and came home for a break and just to see her really. She was doing her makeup and trying to put on some fake eyelashes ( which I was chomping at the bit to say “I want some and will you do my makeup sometime please? She’s a whiz at makeup and hers always looks spectacular! I would love for her to teach me but i seriously doubt that will ever happen). I went on to finish my day out and spoke to her a couple more times over the course of the afternoon.
I got home early and had yard work to do so I did that as she worked inside the house. I got done and finally time to get into my leggings and a comfy shirt. I only have a couple of tops to go with my leggings since she has just now started to let me have some women’s tops to wear at home to lounge in. I asked her if I could borrow one of her tank tops and she said “sure honey if you can find one that fits you go ahead”. I found one that fit and came in with it on ( it went with my leggings very well ) and she once again had that same look of acceptance on her face. I don’t know if it’s actual acceptance or complacency but it still makes me happy. Very happy.
I had that same talk many years ago with my SO. We are still together. You did the right thing. You are honest. She now knows your deepest secret. I hope she doesn’t let this interfere with your relationship. There is no way to know where this will go for you, but you can always say you did the right thing by her.
I love your thoughts. Thank you so much for posting. I remember when “Just Like A Woman” was released. I was dying to see it! I never did…
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