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Ok everyone was right. The wife found my stash despite me thinking that I could keep my crossdressing secret for ever. It happened a week ago and I am now 43 so not a bad innings. But I should have told her long ago for both our sanity.
One week on and she has not moved out or said she is leaving but it has taken a huge mental toll on her. And to me to some extent. Have talked three times about it with some positive outcomes and suggestions, and had a lot of tears from both of us. One thing that has come up is that me being on this site is a brilliant idea for my mental health.
Now to work on the wife’s.
Any advice would be great.
Hi Rachael,
The only advice I can give you is to reassure her you are still the same person you always were and that you love her very much.
One of the first questions my wife wanted to know was if I was attracted to men so you may want to reassure her of this if in fact you are still heterosexual.
It seems to hurt their feminine side a bit.(understandably so)
This sight has a place for S/O’s that may be a good place for her to visit also.
Whatever you do keep talking and let her know how much you love and care for her.
The rest time will tell.
Patty
I have done all of the above as I have read several articles on it. The first thing that I discussed was the fact that I am straight. You are right it must affect there feminine side. She commented that all the dresses i like are similar to what she likes. But surely that is going to happen as we are of similar minds in a lot of interests.
Hello Rachel yes it helps with us being x dressers, and for your wife finding out and letting u dress up but for her with the mental Heath yes there is a site for wife’s to join and find more info and under stand the x dressing world. Every one has a x dressing side just have to. Find it woman x dress every day of the week, woman do not dress like woman no more, woman’s cloths seem to fit better on us girls and feel great, then when we start with a pair of panties , we want to try on kore and kore and soon we are dressing like females instead. We are straight x dressers but love to dress like females. Well good luck with your x dressing and hope your wife will under stand u more when dressed up. Like every one else said too.
Hi Racheal. Most wives eventually find out one way or another. Those of us that have dealt with the issue of wife finding out what i call the Hard Way.That is finding your stash. She is freaking out she just does not know who she married right now. She has a million questions and just does not know how to begin. So help her begin by asking her to have a nice quiet talk alone. Wives have to know one thing for sure. Are you attracted to men? They just do not understand why you would want to express your self as a woman and not be attracted to men. This is not a sexual issue this is a gender identity issue. Who we identify with when growing up will determine our likes and dislikes. The good thing for all of us there is so much more information about crossdressing on the internet today. There have been so many books written about us and why we enjoy it. Most of us do not want to think we lied to our wives before getting married. We did not share that part of us due to the fear of losing our future wife. If i did not love women i would not waist my time and hers by getting married. . Now is the perfect time to be totally honest with your wife. That will either push her away or make your relationship stronger. She will pay attention to what you say and how you say it. So honesty is always best. Good luck Racheal. I hope this will only make your relationship stronger. Luv Stephanie
As mentioned by others reassuring her this phrase in your life is a personal choice with no fears of being interested in men or any one else. That your still her man and always will be. Reassuring her that she’s your only one and is very much attractive to. Her trust in you has been broken. For me that was a major issue “trust” as our relationship with many years of marriage was heavily base on. Many other concerns were raised as to why? , is she the problem? Well we all know the questions but communication is vital as she needs understanding with honesty and truthfulness. She’s hurt and needs to know everything about your feelings and wants answers. Make sure she knows she’s the most important person in your life now and always. You have stirred the waters now it’s time to ease the pain. Best to the both of you looking ahead.
Stephanie 🌹
I think women need to realise that a cross dresser has 3 options in life, and the odds are not stacked in our favour in any of them.
1) Tell your partner the truth early on in the relationship, in which case they may run for the hills. Would I still be in a very happy marriage with my wife, with three wonderful children, if I had come clean in 1983 when we first started dating. Who knows? But I wasn’t prepared to risk it.
2) Abstain from ever cross dressing for your entire life and throw a bucket of iced water over your head whenever the urge takes you, in which case you will surely have mental health issues to deal with.
3) Dress in secret whenever you can and tell no one because you will be ashamed and embarrassed if they ever find out.
If my wife ever finds out, I will ask her which of these three options she thinks I should have taken? Then, I’ll remind her that I love her more than anything else in the world, and I don’t fancy men. And then she’ll probably kick me out of the house. Women eh? I’ll never understand them. God knows why I want to be one!
Respect is a 2-way street.
When my wife found out about my secret life from seeing my previous eBay purchases, she made the decision to leave me forever. Though she would always preach to me many times in the past about the great importance in respecting people for who they are, I found out how hypocritical she was when she told me that she “can not stay with someone who is like that.” As much as I wanted her to just respect me for that and stay, I have come to learn that you can’t force someone to respect you….you have to earn it. So I let her leave. Luckily, that divorce process was as simple as a few signatures since we had no kids and neither of us were disputing anything.
As far as her mental state, I have no idea because she hasn’t spoken to me since that process was complete. I say it’s a win if your wife doesn’t leave you.
Rachel , why do you not allow the special lady in in your life to involve her self slowly with CDH.It may help you both , and for her to start to understand .You did not become a crossdresser ,last week or the week before! You were born like this and without your’e knowledge.You as i,and all in this special house have a heavy weight on our shoulders and it is up to all the individual, ladies here to continue to put their views forward and make a small contribution to us all .Because every ones small contribution is ,HUGE!.Py xx
Hi Rachael, taking baby steps is all that is needed. When my wife found out about Samantha all she kept asking me is to let her sort her head out about it. So I left her alone and didn’t bring the subject up until she was ready to talk about it. I found this the best way because I wasn’t pressuring her to talk about it and she eventually came around to somewhat accepting who I am, I now am able to dress around the house and she even suggested that I should Find and go to some local group of trans and cds so I can socialise with them. I have put it off going for awhile because I have been too scared to go but the next meeting is this Saturday and I am determined to go! I hope all works out well for you both!
Samantha x
Rachel,
When I spoke to my wife about my desire to wear ladies’ wear (tees and Jeans), she asked if I was turning gay in my old age, then dropped the matter. Later, we had The Talk, where I asked about dressing in her presence. Told her I loved her, wasn’t interested in guys, but needed to do this and would let her set the boundaries. I was most fortunate, in that she had already grasped the concept of getting in touch with one’s feminine side (though I know not how). With her setting the pace, our relationship has grown closer, though she still won’t go out with me dressed. Be honest, don’t push, and it should work out for you.Oh Rachel , I hope some dust settles before awful descions get tossed around , patience no in your part , complete honesty & seeing things from her perspective . This can be sorted with a positive result , any chance of so.e counseling for you both ?
If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask me , my & I have successfully incorporated it into our lifestyle 🌹🌹
Hello Rachel
My wife discovered only a bra but it was enough to trigger The Talk. Even after she was convinced i was not cheating on her she felt deeply betrayed that i hid this aspect of myself from her. Six months later she has helped me select outfits but is still uncomfortable with my dressing in her presence and very worried about my desire to go out en femme even in another town. Just let her move at her own pace and respect any limits she sets on dressing in her presence or involving her in that aspect of you no matter how much you might want it. She likely feels that same sense of betrayal because you kept the secret and you must give time for that trust to rebuild. Good luck i hope this works out for both of you.🌹
My wife met Patty a couple of weeks after we met. I had been dressing a couple of years and had a very nice wardrobe of some very pretty and sexy things.
She showed up at my place unexpectedly. When she cam in and saw women’s clothes lying about she was not pleased. I caae clean I told her the clothes were mine I enjoyed wearing them for fun and to go to parties. She seemed to not believe me, so she asked me to show her. I went in the bedroom, put on one of my favorite and sexiest outfits and walked out to show her. She was stunned. She was amazed at how pretty and sexy Patty was. Her and Patty became girlfriends and did girlfriend things together.
For those who have tried to keep their dressing secret for so long and are finally outed or come out, it can change everything. I met several couples where it was a relationship ending event. For some it was not just the dressing but what else has he not told me? What other secrets does he have? Some have tolerated it, fewer still seem to have embraced it and enjoy the new aspects and role play. I guess you never know.
Still, I think bringing it up early in the relationship is better. It was for me at least.
These SO posts always seem to spark my interest. Offering up my wife’s and my own mindset, I guess I was fortunate that she found out before we were married. She has struggled with it at times, and has embraced it to a point at times throughout our nearly 20 yrs together. I’ve always tried to be honest with her about it. She has asked the standard questions periodically over the years as well, are you gay, do you want to transition etc. (No and no). Our understanding is she can’t change how I feel and I can’t change how she feels. If you have a strong foundation with her, ultimately wearing some cloths meant for women is a small blip in the roller coaster of life and marriage. I read a blog post once from a SO of another CDer that said “be worth it”. While I may not always succeed, it is a phrase I try to keep in mind. Patience, I’ve found, is a virtue. Good luck.
I told my wife early on about my crossdressing fetish or whatever you want to call it. She just laughs at me but says she isn’t attracted to me when I wear female clothing.
I don’t even fully dress because I have a masculine body. I’m more into wearing pantyhose, thongs, silky panties, yoga pants, Skin tight jeans, short shorts, ect.
The wife does enjoy wearing pantyhose with me though But that’s as far as it goes
Hi Rachel,
Crossdressing hit me late in life and after nearly 20 years of marriage I wasn’t going to start dressing behind my wife’s back. I came out to her and while she says she is accepting I tread very lightly with dressing around her. It took her a while to come to terms with it and realize I dress for me and my own personal sanity.. Unfortunately, we don’t talk about it as much as we should. It’s always the elephant in the room. When I came out to her she asked all the standard questions …. I told her I have no interest in transitioning, and I am not interested in dating men.
Like the others have said … give your wife some time and space. Make sure she knows the man she married is still the man she married. Tell her you love her and make her feel special.
I hope your wife comes around and you gain her acceptance and support.
Robin
Well time for an update. Things have moved well though some times a little wobbly. I sit on our bed fully dressed and the wife is in the house and knows what I am doing, though she is not in the same room yet. Though I am not sure if I want her to see me yet.
We have had many positive talks and a few not so but have ended positive. The wife has suggested ideas and has even hinted at going out together and possibly even cloth sharing in the future.
WOW!
Credit to her, she is amazing.
The big problem, has been the secrecy and sneaking around for all these years.
The future is looking up.
Love Rachel
Rachel,
I’m very happy for you; secrecy between spouses is never a good thing, and usually has bad consequences. I first eased “stealth” clothing into my wife’s view, and when I came to the realization that I truly was a CD, I quickly found a way to have The Talk with her. She surprised me by the level of acceptance she gave then, and since. I can dress freely and openly, and we both know that if I push on a boundary, we can talk about it and reach an agreement – just as we should with any other issue.This seems destined to bring you even closer together, rather than driving you apart. Congratulations.
Hugs,
Bettylou
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