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Hi all.
Now that I’ve been fem’n out (lol sorry, a casual way I guess of saying “dressed en femme”) for 2 years, I’ve been digging deep into my soul quite a bit to figure out me. I know I have changed significantly, but I’ve been trying to figure out “how” I’ve changed specifically. How has Carmen changed me as person, not physically, but my place in this world and this life.
I finally figured it out… a revelation… My world has become “softer” all the way around. From my mental thoughts, to how I go about my day, to my interactions with everyone in my life, to my empathy and willingness to listen and understand, to how I talk, walk, breathe. Everything good and fun about my personality seems to have opened up, expanded if you will.
I’ve realized, as a man, this whole thing really wasn’t about gender. It’s more about what the notion of gender impacts in daily existence. You see, as a man, I’m always protecting my ego. I was going about my day, my every day interactions with society, not really realizing until now that the testosterone fueled “ego” really takes a toll on me. From how I walk, how I drive, how I explain things, how protective I am, how the world responds, how I say hello, how I say goodbye, how I work, there’s always this sense that the masculine ego is at play 24/7, no matter what event or what interaction and with whom, that ego is always there to protect. That “I’m a man” thing.
It’s aggressive, it’s tiring, at the end of the day I’m exhausted, it’s stressful, it’s unhealthy.
Now that I’ve embraced the softer side of things, I feel like I sail in life smoothly, without that need to “protect” my image in front of others. Carmen has created this guy mode that has become magnetic in society, in work, in family, in my own head.
My world and everything in it, has just become… softer. And I love it. People see it. And it doesn’t matter what mode I’m in. Gender has no role at all in it. My confidence as a human being. It’s just all… softer but stronger, focused but relaxed, everything.. is just… softer.
I recall how liberating it felt when I first started dressing and embracing my fem side.
Being strong, alpha, and protective of others just never felt natural to me. Like you said, it’s exhausting. Letting go of all that maleness felt wonderful. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders 🙂
I agree. Interestingly however, to me it’s more about embracing the maleness, being stronger, being more alpha, being even more protective, but HOW I go about doing that is more genuine, it’s perceived by everyone around me as being “a better man” because of how comfortable I’ve become in my inner soul. So essentially, I’ve “become a better man, by becoming a better woman.” The concept blows my mind, and I really like it. I like this new me. I love it.
People have wondered what I’m doing to “feminize”, how in the world I’m achieving feminine energy without HRT or facial surgery. Why I seem to get more “beautiful”. I’ve said it before, beauty comes from within. If you have read my post on “facial feminization” and creating that energy, if the most important area to lighten and soften is the eye area near the bridge of your nose, as I wholeheartedly believe, then the expressions I must have made as a man, that “stress” and inner “maleness” ego, and letting all that go surely makes a difference in the eye area!
For me I was always a little softer than a lot of the guys I worked with. Not that I didn’t have that male ego thing, it was just not as strong for me. In a work crew I was happier when someone else managed. When I did manage the crew. I was always open to suggestions.
Not going out dressed, it probably doesn’t have as profound an affect on me as those who do. I do think it has had some affect though. My empathy for genetic women is definitely stronger for sure!💕Lara
Hi Carmen, I can understand a little of what you’re saying about becoming a better man by being a better woman, but I can also see what both Lara and Jenny are saying. To be the ‘man’ that others expect or want or need to see, often means putting those things that one finds truly appealing and feeling and wanting to be, aside or compartmentalizing them only to bring them out during moments when you can slip into your other true self.
It’s not only expectations of society, but of the closely knit nuclear family where it seems we each are forced into a role to play, as expected one’s spouse, and children who see how other families fall into those roles and just expect it of their own family.
I mentioned elsewhere here the fathers of my two wives were in succession a professional carpenter and a professional electrician. I am neither with absolutely no desire to be anywhere near that kind of accomplished ‘macho’ male. Yet, I’ve been still expected to be able to perform at least to competent apprentice if not beginning journeyman levels. Makes it tough to cry at appropriate movies, wear brightly colored coordinated clothing, eat chocolates while reading trashy novels, sit and gossip with women rather than making crude jokes while losing a fortune on poker nights (bluffing is not my strong suit).
Here’s a perfect example – Freshman year in high school, my gym class was about 150 boys, every day. 3 total classes for the 480 or so freshman boys in our class. The coaches divided up the class into 3 groups of 50 by ability – studs, average joes, and well you know. I swore I would make the average joes. And yes, I knew where I stood on the athletic ladder. I ran as fast, pushed up as hard, squatted as much, all as possible… and I made it. Yes, that was a huge accomplish for me a 13 year old, to avoid a year of being sneered at, just to be ‘average’.
You do what must do to get by, even though I would have much preferred to be on the other side of the dividing wall where the girls had PE.
Hugs, ChloeC
It’s an interesting viewpoint Carmen. I too have had that thought and since being ‘Fem’n out’ like you, how have I changed?
I am more mindful of how I deport to a point it is natural, retraining those mannerisms. I have worked on my hair (Wig) and makeup along with my shape and the way I dress. It has all come together now and I present well. My appearance has changed from masculine to feminine, without surgery.
What has changed in my psyche? I have always been more at ease with girls than men and feel more comfortable not ‘proving’ myself and engaging in macho hog fights. I have played the part to satisfy the social norms but never was comfortable, or even good at it. I have always had a softer side which is empathetic and with some emotion. People say that I am a good listener and good to offer advice and support which has served me well in my careers and also considered feminine traits. I do have times when I feel anger and have irrational moments and feel these have reduced since becoming female but then I am getting older so maybe they would reduce as it isn’t worth it anymore. In effect I don’t think I have changed much as I have always been a softer person. People that I know who knew the old me say that I have not really changed as a person but seem happier in myself, which is a great compliment as it affirms my female self as the real me and I am fully realising my inner self.
What I would say, and this may relate to you, is that the femme side allows the constrained female emotions to surface and become stronger so the more you present the more natural it becomes and that ‘feeling’ arrives. When it does ‘you’ have arrived.
Thank you Carmen!!!,
I think this is the point.. , for me crossdressing is a driver to intregate ourselves whoever we are in each moment.
In my case my necessity of coming out was that I needed to become Sonia to be able to love and protect properly my doughter after she cut her arms and I wasn’t able to react properly( paralized like a boy).
Kisses sisters!!!!
Sonia
Carmen, I think you some up what many of us have had to deal with. I agree Dani makes me softer. Makes me relax. Makes me at peace.
The whole competition thing is very resonant with me. See I was never a competitor. I was in the competition – I had already lost (fat kid). It was only my mind were I excelled. And that wasn’t always valued. Ever! (I’m just a few years from retirement – I hope!)
I like being a dad and a grandpa. Those are things I value. But there are so many “man” things that just don’t make any sense to me. Dani completes me.
Thank you very much for sharing. I understand and relate.
Hi Carmen.
Its wonderful when we accept our softer feminine side and let it flow into our daily lives. I get what you mean about making our masculine side softer and more understanding instead of forcing our way through life like a bull in a china shop.
I know this is a completely new experience for you having only been exploring your fem side for a couple of years now but many like me have felt the girl inside us since childhood. I’ve always been a good listener, sympathetic to others, passive, and shied away from the usual male aggression antics. Well I say that but in my early years I was trying to be a “normal” male and was very unhappy. But after accepting it I know my fem soft side has helped me in dealing with clients, especially female clients. Without my softer side to balance out my maleness I would have been out of my mind and bad things would have happened.
Enjoy your femininity and reap the benefits… you are beautiful inside and out.
How about “forcing our way through life like a bull in a cute dress in a china shop”… that’s still okay right? LOL
Yeah, all my life I’ve been a little different. Most of my friends are females. I never really got along with that many men, because it was always a competition in some way. Measuring penis is they say. I’ve never fully embraced my feminine side however, and never really felt free to be me in the eyes of others. I’ve always been very caring, sweet and kind towards others. I’ve always been. I’ve always been nurturing and empathetic towards the needs of others. But I couldn’t really pinpoint why exactly I myself internally was always restless, always striving for more. There’s nothing wrong with drive and ambition, but it seems, there’s a much softer way for it to be accomplished and embraced.
I’m really liking the new me. I just feel so much more at ease with everything. I care more, and I care less. I’m driven, without the stress of driving. I’m living my life, without needing to prove I’m living my life. It’s just a euphoric way to enjoy my days on this earth. It truly just feels like I’m a whole human being instead of being fragmented in thoughts, emotions, actions.
Hi Carmen, I can totally relate to all that you’ve written. I was a contract manager in construction for 40 years and construction oozes male ego, conflict and testosterone. After 40 hours of that every week Trish could not wait to get out and soothe her sole that’s for sure. A great, well written article Carmen.
Love,
Trish
I have come to believe that gender (feminine-masculine-androgynous) should not be too closely tied to sex (male-female). Fundamentally male-femininity is not an anomaly. Its’ just femininity and not particularly a female or male thing but a human thing. On the other hand, being a woman is feminine. therefore being a woman should be natural for the majority of people.
It is masculinity that, as you point out, is physically, spiritually and mentally wearing and even harmful.
Some people think that cross-dressers transition to femininity in order to escape from the rigours of masculinity. That may not be accurate. One may be fleeing the harmful elements of masculinity and escaping to the perfectly natural and rather sane elements of femininity.
Perhaps it is the sanity and ‘normality’ of femininity that make it attractive? And isn’t nice to be attractive?
Araminta.
It takes a little while before figuring things out that’s for sure. At first, it’s so “superficial”… the makeup, the clothes, the attention given to wanting to be “passing” based on gender. What it all really has boiled down to is: The only “passing” that is important is “passing” as a happy, healthy, loved, loving and self-loving HUMAN BEING. Living life in that mindset makes “passing as gender” almost miniscule in the grand scheme of things.
Hi Carmen, Thanks 🙂
Now that I am living and working full time as a transgender woman, YES! My world has become so much softer. I started working as a TG woman on March 31st, Transgender Day of Visibility, and the freedom I felt to completely be my feminine self was so amazing! Everyone noticed the change from the person who was working there the day before. My voice was softer and feminine, I was giggling all day long, I was told my mannerisms and presentation were so completely feminine that it was so nice to see how free and happy I was. So yes, it has become a much softer world for me!!Exactly. Yes, that brings up a concept I’m trying to wrap my head around to be honest. I just saw a post from another trans on another site which confuses me a little… she was out with a sign at a mall about being transgender, fighting for rights, etc. etc. And she was posting that all she got was positivity from the community, etc., which is my entire experience socially quite frankly. So with or without a sign, society responds positively in general to the trans community… so what then, if we’re being treated fairly in general, are we fighting for? If the community isn’t negative, why are we calling out negativity and associating it with being trans? Are we as a community projecting negativity when it isn’t even a problem in the first place?
Hi again Carmen, I think the situation you saw might be a backlash against anti trans bills from conservative red states, that is why some trans oriented people are trying to fight to keep our rights. I am fortunate to live in British Columbia Canada where the rights of transgender people are completely and permanently enshrined in federal and provincial law.
Thank you for the response Lauren. I think I’ll just educate myself more on the politics of it all (assuming I want to spend any time doing so vs. just going out enjoying the heck out of life lol). I’ve never gotten in to politics, in any form/mode/gender, so I’ll gladly say I’m naive when it comes to that.
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