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Over the last few weeks I have had time to reflect on my journey over the last year or so. Over the last year I have come back to dressing and realized that this is a part of me that will never go away. In October I even shared this with my wife. After sharing I felt the 30+ years of holding this in being lifted. Words can’t express the relief. To my wife’s credit, she had (still has) lots of questions, but she is trying to be supportive. I can tell she is not a fan and struggles with it.
With this new found freedom I jumped in and was finally able to move on with my journey. So much to explore. Which I have done.
Now I am looking back at how far I have come to and maybe the newness high is wearing off, but I am asking myself why. Why do I dress? Why does it feel the way it feels?
Why do I still feel shame sometimes? Why do I want to show my wife Jessica even though she doesn’t want to see her? Why do I ask so many questions? Is it that it is something that is fad in my life that will go away now that I have done it? So many open questions with so little answers. Maybe I’m asking because of the stress in my life right now.
Not sure why I felt the need to share, but CDH has always been a place where I feel comfortable sharing.
If anything, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.Thanks,
JessicaHi Jessica
Totally understandable you have so many questions.
What we do goes against the grain of so many societal norms and stereotypes.
I remember aiming similar questions at a very good friend, a very cathartic conversation.
She said ‘you are you, doing nothing wrong’. Nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Those who choose to see it as wrong or unnatural cannot see past the requirement to conform to who you should be to ‘fit in’. In my opinion it is society that needs readjustment, and every time I express my inner Bianca in public I feel I am doing my little bit to normalise what we do, to change society. Who wants to fit in when you can stand out.
Why do people love what they love, why do some love sports, or cooking, or cars, or antiques, or music, or…It’s just you, and you have to love yourself.I do get that wives and partners can have a problem. They perhaps married a man who conforms to what society sees as a man, and that is what they fell in love with.
Many dismiss it as not important, but in my view the physical appearance of our partner is an important part of what attracts us to each other, and when that changes, it can affect a partners attraction to us. There may also for many be the fear of embarrassment ‘what will the neighbours, family, friends, church think?’ So many are who they are supposed to be for an easy life.B x
Hi Jessica,
My wife has known I was a crossdresser for most of our 50+ years of marriage and for most of that time we lived a DADT lifestyle and I kept it in house. However, she can no longer get out of the house alone and there was no longer any Michelle time so a couple of years ago we needed to talk and change the status quo somewhat to keep me sane. I got my first transformation a year ago and since then I feel the intense desire to fully dress and be seen as Michelle. My wife, as yours, wants to be supportive but it is hard for her and she is afraid of losing her man down this slippery slope.
I am going out to a CD meetup tonight which will be the first time out of the house dressed for me. It was very difficult for my wife to agree to this but after a lot of begging on my part she said OK. She surprised me last night by asking to see the outfit I was planning on wearing. She doesn’t like to see me dressed but she said she wanted to see what other people were going to see. She handled it well and told me I looked nice. I could tell though that she was upset and she is still afraid and she told me she will be glad when this night is over.
I am excited about tonight and at the progress I have made over the last year accepting and enjoying this feminine part of me. However, I still feel guilt and some shame over what I am putting my wife through.
Hugs,
Michelle
Well Jessica reflection and questioning is a natural part of the process. Why? It’s an individual answer as to the reasons but fundamentally it comes down to it feeling right and a necessity. Guilt? Betraying your partner, your masculine image going against the ‘norms’ is quite natural. Will it go away, well thirty years of this feeling suggests otherwise. Your wife is also going through the mill as well and both of you are in a state of flux as these questions still come and need talking through to find an answer. There is an answer somewhere but it needs to be found but you have come so far in a year maybe it is time to consolidate, reflect and discuss the questions to find the answer to a better way of life for you and your wife.
Yes, there are many questions, but there are also many answers if we stop and think about it. We each need to answer these questions for ourselves because my answer may differ from yours. Take your time, think about it, leave and come back to it over time, and you will likely find your answers.
I have come to the conclusion that the reason I dress is because I enjoy it. Nothing real deep or profound, but I get pleasure out of dressing just like I get pleasure out of many hobbies and activities. We want to share ourselves with our spouse, so wanting share Jessica is natural, but it may take time for your wife to be ready for her. You have had 30 years to accept her, your wife a few days or weeks???
Keep the dialog open, find her level of comfort and accept that there will likely be a gap between the two you need to respect and learn to live with. You are far ahead of many here, and may never get to the level others here have, but that is okay, you just need to find your own balance.
Jessica,
There are some very good responses to your post already and I cannot add much except to say that what you are experiencing is all very normal. Crossdressing is a very complex subject that can generate a lot of questions but not so many easy answers sometimes.
As for myself, I gave up wondering why I did this. Afterwards, I was much more at peace with who I was becoming.
Fiona
Jessica,
First, congratulations on being named a Featured Member.
One thing about CDH is that it is a group therapy session that’s available at any time. Most of us want to just vent. So vent to us. It would have to be a virtual punch, but take your frustrations out on this forum. We can take it.
And good advice will come your way. Everyone is well meaning. Kind of a been there, don’t that. I swore after New Year’s I was going to give all this up. Purged the few things I had. Now I’m back to wondering. For a multitude of reasons.
So don’t feel like you are the only one. And if it’s not this, there’s something weird wrong with everybody. Those you might think are close to perfect most likely aren’t as close as you think. We all have something we want to fix, no matter what. Just know we love you!
Gwyn
I think we have all asked those questions to ourselves. It is a healthy perspective in my opinion, to be self aware. I think as a group we all wish we had some of these answers. The only thing I keep coming to the conclusion of is that I find comfort, in the clothing I think of as feminine. I feel at peace, I feel more in harmony with my world, vs the normal male side of myself feeling as if I am battling the world to get all I can from it. I have always struggled to express my feelings, but am completely fine with the idea of dressing head to toe in feminine clothes to express myself. It makes no logical sense to dress up as a female but not be able to convey what I need to those close to me.
As far as your marriage goes, make sure you put it well above the need to dress. Your wife of thirty years just found out that she didn’t know everything about some one she has been with for more than half her life. Crossdressing can be such a relief for you that is is easy to become short sided about the others around us. If our wife’s suddenly said that they had a secret that they had kept that long it would be hard to understand. You will not be able to feel the relief, and comfort of dressing if it is causing more stress from weakening your marriage. It has taken close to a decade to be able to have a open conversation with my wife where we can be constructive, and not emotionally driven. It was worth the wait and even though we have been very close all along, waiting for your wife to come to terms and set boundaries for her to know she is comfortable is well worth it. They can change over time if you put in the effort to show her that you love her, and are willing to sacrifice and do what it takes to keep a happy home.
Hi Jessica (and all),
I would echo much of what others have said here, in particular, my experience after coming out to my wife a couple years ago (we have been married for 40+ years), has been her feelings of being confused conflicted and concerned. Basically coming to terms with:
- why do I feel it is so important to CD?
- am I still the person she married?
- concerned that I want to transition, or at least go out in public dressed as a woman
She has set a few boundaries for now as to what she will allow in the house when we are together, which I am fine with. As she has said to me, acceptance and understanding is going to take some time. My initial relief and euphoria at no longer hiding this secret has been tempered by her need to come to her own terms with this on her own time. I can at least grant her that, as she has generally been pretty accepting of what I do. The bottom line is that we love each other, and my CDing is not the most traumatic thing to have happened in our marriage. Since coming out to her, my crossdressing has progressed to the stage of expanding my wardrobe and dressing in private whenever I have the opportunity. Although everything is still very much in the closet, I am feeling a strong urge to present more feminine outside the house, and so far have pushed the boundaries only in stealth mode (underdressing, women’s jeans, blazers, sweaters – edgy but androgynous).
Right now I really want to get some heeled boots and push things a little farther when I go out shopping or running errands. Since I am living in a DADT environment, my dilemma is this: should I even bother communicating with my partner that I want to do this when she really does not want to hear about what I do…..
Evie (on the edge)
Hello Beautiful Ladies
My wife found out 4 years ago. I hid for the next year. She then yeld at me for hiding. So i opened up. Things got so much better.
I still have no idea why i CD, but i have stopped asking why and am just enjoying the feel of the fabric and the heels,the sent of the makeup.
My acceptance comes and goes my wifes acceptance comes and goes.
This is a journey and none of us know where it will stop for us.
Are we going tonatay happy with clothing and makeup in rhe house, or do we need to present out side (for me out side is needed)
Are we happy being out, or do we need hormons, do we need surgery, do we need to change our names and pronouns with freinds, family, work? Do we need to change our Government ID?
Some will some will not. We are all different and the same.
Questions are good to learn ourselves better. Dont let the questions, answers are lacknof answers shop us.Have a great day
PaulaGood Morning Jessica,
Life is a journey and has many twists and turns. This is just another one of them. It seems to me that you are striving for balance in your life. You are no different then all of us. Equilibrium is the goal. To get there you will swing back and forth like a until you figure it out. The newness wearing off is the pendulum swinging back in the other direction. Your wife is on that same path with herself. You have had a lifetime of thoughts to process and she hasn’t. Be grateful that she wants to talk about this and work with you to find that equilibrium as a couple.
I basically took 30 years off of dressing while we raised our children. My wife knew about my dressing since before we got married, though not to the level of my desires. Since we have been empty nesters we have actually had many discussions about my dressing. I haven’t really changed her feelings about it, however we are more open about it. I find the little wins are great and mark progress forward. Here is an example of a little win. For the past year I have started wearing bras almost daily if I am not at work. My bras get put into the regular laundry, when I first started doing this her bras were hung to dry and mine went into the dryer. I asked her to treat my bras with the same care when she did the laundry since we spend the same amount for mine that she pays for hers. Now all of our bras are hung to dry regardless which one of us does the laundry. That is a little win but I see it as a huge step forward.
Keep the conversation going. With all of the trans news around us right now it makes many opportunities to talk come up.
Tracy
Thanks for all who have replied. You are all very helpful.
I just need to be me and while it is good to have an idea of who you are, I also need to just live. I am feeling better today.
Thanks,
JessicaHi Jessica, so many questions and… hopefully you are getting some answers. You are not alone with wondering about why we do what we do. At times it can stop us in our tracks. And sometimes we don’t know where things are going but we keep moving anyhow. Only then do we look back and realize how far we have come. Sounds like you have been doing some of that lately. As you said, you have much to be proud of. Celebrate that. Embrace it. The yearning you have inside may continue, just know you have many friends experiencing the same. While it might feel you are on this journey alone…please know we are all there with you.
Hi Jessica,
Sometimes there are answers to your questions. Altho we are all different and the answers are not one size fits all. Why do we dress? Maybe we were supposed to be born a girl. Often we feel this way as young children but are punished for expressing it. It becomes an important part of our identity. Dressing expresses ourselves and validates us as a person. Does it wear off? I put makeup on less often, but how I feel in my heart is more important than ever.
I have thought that the shame we feel comes from living in a shame based society. Shame is often used to discipline children and even adults like a boss that shames an employee for making a mistake. Shame is often toxic and affects us in very negative ways causing low self esteem and sometimes addictions.
I don’t mean to sounds like I have all the answers, I am just tossing a few things out there to maybe help.
Jessica I have experienced all of these feelings and questions many times over my life. I don’t know why I dress specifically but I do realize it’s tied to the rush I get from the it. Shame still rears its ugly head at times for me as well, I don’t know I can’t break that feeling either.
The realization that this isn’t a passing fad is strangely comforting to be honest. It forces me to deal with my situation in a more permanent fashion because I know this urge will never go away, I need to enjoy it for what it is and take it day by day. Beating myself up isn’t and going to make me not enjoy dressing, I may as well make the most of it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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