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Hello everyone. I am due to get married in 3 months to my boyfriend of 8 years. He crossdresser s every week or so and has ongoing thoughts about taking hormones to transition to become a woman. He is attending counselling and is really trying to sort out his head. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I’m afraid to get married. He wants kids so I know at the moment he won’t take hormones but what happens to me in 10 years time when he had his kids and is them free to take hormones and transition…
We have discussed it in length. He knows I love him but that I can’t be married to someone who looks like a woman.
Darlin’, I’m sorry you’re going through this. My fiancé purged about 6 months ago and swears he’s never going back to it, yet I found an open tab on his computer Fetlife and the pics I found of him(taken years ago I might add) were horrifying… he has no desire to transition, yet his Fetlife profile has him listed as “heteroflexible”… I’m at a loss too, although he swears he doesn’t want to go back to that lifestyle, which he ONLY did while using a certain illicit substance, and he’s given that up too… I love my fiancé just like you love yours, but is the possible heartbreak for you and the kids he wants to have worth it??? Hugs to you…
❤️
You really should not be so heartbroken about it.
It’s not down to illicit substances – he may have turned to those to try and escape the need to express his feminine side. I know I did. And I tried to kill myself to stop feeling that way. I was 14.
It’s not down to choice, it’s part of who we are.
It only affects you deeply because of the other issues around it, like what will others think (who cares, it’s your life not theirs!), uncertainty (If you’re not sure, but it’s inevitable, jump at the chance, embrace it, Carpe Diem. If your life is perfect, keep it as it is, if it isn’t, then take a risk – go on an adventure!), and the secrecy/lies. Once he’s openly out, there will be no more of that.
It’s the burying of it, the pretending it’s not happening which is so harmful, not the act.
Why would it be heart breaking to have a bonus friend as well as a happier husband and father to your children, not to mention z more balanced and effective one.
While the female side is being buried and unable to express itself, the man suffers deeply, and so do those around him. His attention is not on improving the lot for his family, it’s on improving the lot for himself.
Allow the female side room, and she will encourage the man to grow with her.
Where it will end up is uncertain in all ways but one.
We all die.
If you don’t like uncertainty, maybe it’s lucky you weren’t born in another country where wars and politics make life itself uncertain?
Love Laura
This is a big question. I am sure so many thoughts and emotions are going on. I would suggest going to counseling to sort out some of these questions for yourself before saying I do or leaving. It sounds like you and your Fiancée are communicating which is so important. Remember to make some me time as that is much needed.
Hugs
Kayla
Hi.
It is certainly going to be your choice, and I agree, counseling may be good for both.
Having said that, while I do believe that for a crossdresser is indeed possible to find a balance in life and be happy and makes those around them happy in life with compromise and communication, for somebody who seems to have gender issues beyond crossdressing finding that same balance seems to be less likely to happen.
Can your fiancée stop dressing? (Or at least promise to you and himself that he will stop) Yes. Can he fully stop thinking about it? Unlikely. Everybody is different. He may never mention his gender issues again. But there may be a cost associated to that. From depression to addiction, resentment, etc.
Having 8 years invested in a relationship is a lot of your life. But if you go ahead and marry him, you may be talking about 20 more years and some children while things get to a breaking point. Nobody should be in your position. Or his position. But you two are, and again, while the decision will be yours (both of you), we will be here for support, shall you two allow us to.
Best luck,
Gaby
Hi sweetie my advice seek counselling both together and separately that way you may be able to sort out where you both stand. He may need to see one that specialises in gender issues.
Hi there dear,
I’m not submitting a vote on this one and here’s why: this is a decision you and your SO should be making, not the court of public opinion. While many wise words have already been said on the subject (particularly as regards counseling, something I’d recommend going into any marriage) it’s up to you and him to figure out if you can find a compromise you’ll both be happy with. Understand that this is part of his life that in all likelihood won’t be going away, whether he goes through with the transition or not. Also understand your choice here is not a binary one; there is (at least) a third option: wait. Stay in the relationship and see how things develop.
I want to leave my $0.02 here and just say this post sums it up 100%
Gotta lay the cards on the table and see what options you’ve got.
Some marry to those with extreme deformities, some suffer paralysis, some are long term incarcerated…..the marriage bond is a higher standard than looks and superfluous reasons….I look like a man, and then sometimes the opposite maybe to the extreme……….MY wife enjoys the total package, and loves what there is beyond all that………..I’ve never said I wanted to transition, but if life would allow a 24/7 female presentation, my wife would never consider separating or divorce or even standing in the way.in my case, she likes it well enough and knows very well how to adapt…….and I know the issues she has knowing what she does, is paramount to any that she doesn’t……………
Marry him………..and sort the dilemmas in life together……….you’re gonna do that with anyone you can find………….and maybe those would be worse than these !!!
Mikki
[quote quote=166503] He knows I love him but that I can’t be married to someone who looks like a woman.
[/quote]
It’s hard to make a call based on one post and such little information, but based on this, I think it should be wait and see, or, not at all. You didn’t say whether you support his dressing, assist him in any way, or whether you like it or don’t like it.
You’re right to be concerned about the future, because feelings change over time. Even if he says he’s good with not taking hormones or transitioning now, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years…there will always be that uncertainty that you live with, right?
You can’t be married to someone who looks like a woman because….you aren’t attracted to women and want to be married to someone who looks like a man, or because your family or geographic location would make that too uncomfortable?
The way you’ve written it, it sounds like at some point in the future, if he says he wants to live as a woman full-time, even without a formal transition, that’s the time you’ll decide to divorce him?
If you really are hung up on having a husband who is an object rather than a person, then I would examine your own reasons for wanting to get married.
Bear in mind that he might want the lovely, thin girl in pretty dresses that he married, not an overweight chocoholic in slacks further down the line.
If that seems harsh, think about it logically, sweetie – it’s the truth.
Do you marry the person or a trophy?
Love Laura
My answer number 2;
Hurry up and marry him before someone else does!
You have won the lottery of life!
You just found a man who will not only continue being the nice, kind, gentle man you met, but you just got a lifetime bonus female friend into the bargain!
Imagine a man who will not only go shopping with you, but also enjoy it.
Imagine a man who will talk, listen, gossip, laugh, cry – and much more.
Imagine a man who is manly and loves manly things like DIY, football, fishing and everything else, but also loves having his nails done, going to a spa, the ballet, etc.
This is a polite site, so I will not talk about nuptials and suchlike, but you better believe you won’t find better or more variety without going down somewhat specialist routes…
Lady, you just found the perfect man.
If you love him for WHO he is, for goodness sake, put a ring on him! Claim him now! Accept, no, better still, embrace his inner girl as something very special and different which needs to be cherished as much as his male side.
Enjoy your future!
Love Laura
This is a huge question for you but………. You do seem to be worried about the future which can be a long time and an even longer time with the wrong partner.
I like Val’sheril’s third choice – wait. This gives more time to appraise the relationship, tests him so you can assess his reaction to the wait.
Davina
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