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I was out of town earlier today — up around Waynesboro area, about 45 minutes’ drive away — and it was only around 4:30-5pm, so rather than going right home after I’d finished up with the stuff I had to do up there, I thought I’d try to have some Vanessa time. I was away from home and nobody up there knew me, so I figured I’d take the chance to dress up during the day for once. And be outside my house while dressed, even.
Unfortunately, it was only an “almost.” I ended up not being able to do it. I got too nervous, started freaking out… anxiety went through the roof and I just froze up and was unable to do much of anything. I ended up wandering aimlessly in several stores for literally four hours just trying to figure out some way to get myself to just grab my bag of Vanessa supplies out of the car, tuck into one of the many single-occupant bathrooms around, and dress myself up. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it. Even after it got late and the opportunity for being dressed during the day had long since passed, I couldn’t do it.
I feel like crap. It’s like my wanting to dress up has ruined what was looking like a really good day aside from that — I have a second job now (starting Monday) that pays pretty nicely and lets me pick my own hours/days so it will play well with my other job. That’s what I was out of town for, the company I got the job through had its office in another town ~45 minutes away so I had to drive up to do paperwork and a drug test (thankfully it’s been over 2 weeks since I last hung out with my one druggie friend, so I should be well past the point where anything will come up in that.) If this second job situation works out well, that means in the not too distant future I might finally stop being broke all the time and either be able to pay off more of my student loans/credit cards or actually start saving money for the first time in years. Everything about this is good news!
…But then I had to go and ruin today with this crazy idea of wanting to dress up during the day. I was so convinced that it would work, so excited about the thought of being out in the sun as Vanessa (I had even packed sunglasses), taking pictures and walking by random strangers who had no idea I was actually a guy and all that. And then it just crashed and burned horribly, never even got off the ground.
This almost has me wanting to just give up on crossdressing entirely. I mean, I don’t really want to give up entirely! But I don’t want to have any more days like what today turned out to be, either, so I guess my first thought in any situation where something really bad happens connected to a specific thing is “abandon the thing that led to Today happening.”
Maybe it was just too crowded (my anxiety has never played well with crowded areas)? Maybe aiming for store bathrooms as the changing spot was a bad idea (being “greeted” as I come into a store always makes me feel a bit unnerved, and sadly the Books-a-Million which would’ve been the perfect changing spot had these two girls who waved and said hi to me from the counter the moment I walked in)? Maybe a less-populated area would be better for my first time out dressed during the day? Maybe I’m just not ready to try going out in daylight at all… I dunno. But last night when I was packing up all my supplies I was so sure that being 50 miles away in another town where nobody knows me would make it so much easier to pull off — no worries about being spotted by a coworker, or a friend who wouldn’t take it well if they recognized me, or someone I went to school with! — but no. It wasn’t easier at all. I don’t know if it was necessarily harder than it would’ve been if I had stayed closer to home, but it definitely wasn’t easy enough to even call “possible.”
And the worst part is I don’t even really have anyone to talk to about it. My roommate is asleep, and even if she wasn’t, she sometimes reacts badly when I’m being (in her words) “too negative” about things — which far too often makes her utterly useless when it comes to those situations where I just desperately need to talk to someone about a situation where things went bad and made me feel like garbage. My younger sibling is tricky to get ahold of. A couple friends from college know I dress up, but again, one is tricky to get ahold of. I have a trans girl friend who lives a couple hours away who would be the ideal person to talk to, since talking to her always makes me feel better… but I have had almost no contact with her in months, and it feels impossible to get in touch with her anymore. Which is a situation I was already feeling pretty miserable about even before today. My druggie friend mentioned above (also a trans girl, coincidentally) isn’t much for making me feel better about situations unless it’s the kind of “better” that’s induced by various substances… and I don’t really want to be getting anything in my system now that I have a job that I might be tested for, haha. Plus I haven’t heard from her in two weeks anyway.
I guess I just needed to unload all this somewhere. Sorry for the super depressing post…. 😥
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