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Last week I told my wife I want to wear women’s clothes and cannot suppress the need. She was already aware I wore panties and tights sometimes but was nonetheless surprised. I did wear a skirt a week ago with her, with just a nice jumper, no makeup or wig. We are now in that limbo while she takes it all in and decides how she feels. Our marriage is secure, I just need to wait and learn whether she is happy to have me dress in her presence, when she is not around or only away from the home.
Any advice on how to manage the situation from those with experience would be lovely.
Natasha.
Being in the closet, myself, no advice. Only support and encouragement. Wishing you the best.
Much love,
Raquel
The RDA comes to mind. Respect. Dignity. Affirmation.
Respect each other. Dignify each other. Affirm each other.
I suspect the ways that happens is different for all of us.
Hi Natasha,
Hello form another U.K. member.
I told my wife after we had been dating for 2 weeks, we have now been married for 28 years. My biggest advice is to talk with each other and to compromise. We have agreed on a frequency of my dressing and where I dress, thankfully for me my wife has remained supportive and I dress regularly in front of her.
I am happy to chat further, please feel free to message me.
Love,
Tara x
Hi Tara,
Thanks for your support and yes it would be nice to chat more.
My situation is different in that I didn’t crossdress until after we were married. It was sparked by her suggestion I slip on her panties during a frisky evening. For her it was a joke, but from it opened a pandoras box.
I am sure you are right, we need to agree frequency and location of dressing based on compromise. I am optimistic this will happen with time.
Natasha x
This is a very common story here on CDH. some wives embrace the whole idea and want to go get makeovers together etc, while others say absolutely zero tolerance. Then there are the majority of wives, like ours, who are somewhere in between.
Personally, I am trying to curb my enthusiasm while my wife adjusts. If I could, I would buy a whole wardrobe of clothes, wigs, breast forms, makeup etc. but doing that all at once would crush my wife and our relationship. I don’t think she would ever divorce me over this, but it would devastate her, and I adore her and will not do anything to bring her to despair. I’ve worn panties for years and occasionally bralettes and camisoles if they are hard to see under a shirt. I have recently bought some women’s pants and she is coming to grips with that. This is enough to satisfy my feminine urges for the time being. After some time, I will see if she’s able and willing to allow more feminine tops to go with the pants.
I have talked to some girls here who would like to meet up and I would love to do that. My wife is still pondering that and I’m trying to be patient with her thought process. I would enjoy just meeting for coffee and talking about all the concerns of crossdressing. I have been given approval to attend CD conventions, and I am hoping to go to Desert Crossroads at the end of March.
I’m also about to start therapy. My wife is hoping I will figure out a way to stop wanting to crossdress, but of course we all know that is very unlikely. I am hoping to discover how to proceed. Other than that, I don’t really know what to hope for or how it will work. I’m just sort of reaching out in need and hoping the need is met in some way.
A big part of her reluctance is being seen by friends and family. We will probably be moving away from this home we’ve been in for almost 20 years, and at that point, I may try to introduce full feminine appearance with dresses, wigs, forms, makeup etc.
Well, that was longer than I initially meant for it to be – sorry.
Recap: go slow and give her space, love, and respect.
Best of luck to us both,
CatherineThank you for such a full and interesting reply. It sounds like we are in very similar places. The need will never go away, I know that now. But you are absolutely right, despite my urge to buy lots of clothes, makeup and wigs, I must go at her pace while she decides how she wants to deal with my revelations.
It does feel good to have admitted it and ‘come out’ though. Good luck on your journey, let’s stay in touch. x
In my personal experience, be as open, transparent, and honest with her. Keep lines of communications open. When she asks you a question about your CDing, be honest.
When I told my wife about Wendy, she had a few questions, starting with : “are you gay ?”, “did you want to undergo surgery to be a woman ?”, “why did you not tell me this sooner ?”. I answered no to both, which is the truth. For the last one, I told her I was afraid she would walk out on me if I admitted to being a CDer.
She has been wonderful and been supportive of my feminine side.
Let her set the pace, don’t push it too far too fast or she could wind up withdrawing support.
From her point of view, the man she married wants to be represented as a female, and that is not who she married from the start.
Hi Wendy,
I completely agree the man she married din’t like to wear nylons and a skirt. She asked me the same three questions and I gave the same three answers.
I am now going slow and letting her get used to the idea. But as I am sure you know the desire is always lurking and won’t go away. I am optimistic we will come to some arrangement in the future.
Thanks for the advice, slow and understanding seems to be the main advice.
Natasha x
Good for you for telling your wife. The best thing you can do is totally be open and honest about what you are feeling, but also ask HER hoe SHE is feeling about all of this. Good job on her part for not blowing up and being accepting and supporting.
Take is easy and slow, don’t rush it as to not overwhelm her. Ask her if she has any limitations and what she is comfortable with and if she can or will participate ( pick out clothes, do your makeup ect.)
Keep us posted.
Hi Natasha,
Please give her sometime and take it slowly. It looks like she will support you. Like others have communication is important. Try to be as much honest as possible with her. I know sometimes it is difficult to say it to her. May be write what you are feeling to her.
It is about a year since I told my wife, initially I would just dress by myself. But after six months or so told her how I felt abnormal and made me feel depressed.
Gave her sometime to think and after a few days she said that I could wear something feminine when we watch a movie Friday night. It really helped me and made a better person. She also saw how it helped me. Slowly I started to dress every Friday nights. After about a year now, talking with her as much as I could now have reached a point where I can dress in front of her during day time. Still have not put on makeup or wig or breastform in front of her. Hopeing someday I can.
Good luck.
Hugs,
Jaime
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So now you’ve gotten past the standard Three Questions and she isn’t on the phone with a lawyer, I think your future looks hopeful.
As the other girls have said, let her come to terms at her own pace and always remember to keep her in mind as you proceed to explore your feelings and build your wardrobe. Some wives will accept some things and not other things. I think all of us who have come out to our wives live in some limited situation and thats ok because one of the beat things about coming out is its no longer a secret. As both of you get comfortable within set limits you can evolve to a point that you probably never thought possible. Our lifestyle really is a journey and you seem to have a great attitude.
Thank you Michelle.
Yes I feel I am already more fortunate than many girls and the relief of admitting it is enormous, although some of the guilt remains!
I am sure you are right and I will take it slow. Inevitably it will be a compromise, but I think I will be in a much better position than many.
Natasha x
Natasha,
I forgot to add, you might consider letting her know about the SO only forum on CDH, if you feel she’s ready for it. I honestly can’t say what’s on it, but I trust that the moderators keep it from being a CD-bashing place.Much love,
RaquelHi Natasha,
I’m another closet girl without any advice. I also wanted to offer my support, and encouragement. I admire your courage. It must have taken a lot to bring that to a discussion!
Love, and hugs,
Lara
It always feels good to get it out in the open. She hasn’t thrown a hissy fit about it, so that’s a plus.
My opinion would be not to push it. I would not rush to dress in front of her.
What I would do is just stop being totally secret about it. I would dress when she’s not home but purposely be a little careless about hiding everything away. Letting her know in very subtle ways that you really enjoy dressing. If she is curious about it and would like to see you dressed then let her make the first move.
It seems she doesn’t have any real issues with it so enjoy what freedom you can and see where it goes from there.
My wife doesn’t have a problem with my dressing but through the years I’ve only dressed in front of her on several occasions. I’m never very good at covering my bases when I’m done playing dress up and often forget to put something away.
One day I forgot to put my breast forms away and left them laying on the bed. My wife came home and went into the bedroom and then came out laughing. She had put my breast forms under her shirt and walked out flaunting herself and thinking she was funny. She then said “What should I do with these?” I just told her to give them back and I took them and put them away.
For me just having that understanding and knowledge of my dressing is good enough for me. I don’t really feel the need to dress in front of her. If she wants to see me dressed I’m more than happy to do so.
Lacy,
First off Greetings from a newish Wisconsin (Northern) member but long time CD
A great story indeed. It certainly mirrors my life up until where you left your breast forms lying on the bed (I haven’t done that yet). I have come to bed with different pieces of lingerie or maybe a bra on. I got the “what are you wearing” question followed by “you better not ruin my clothes”. Now because of a sleeping disorder I sleep alone with anything I want to wear near by, none of which are hers by the way. As I accumulate more femme cloths I know it’s just a matter of time before I either intentionally or unintentionally let her know whats going on.
GOOD LUCK in the Quest:)— Hugs, TERI
Well, it’s always nice to know there are more of us girls in WI.
It is funny how possessive women are of their thing.
My wife has gained a lot of weight over the years and I’m sure could never fit into some of her dresses that I always liked. In the past year I went through one of her closets and took a number of her dresses I really like and have added them to my wardrobe. We use to be the same size. I’m sure she will never miss them but if she ever looks in my closet and sees them I know she will have a fit.
I have a hug collection of feminine clothes most of which is lingerie and it was all bought by me and is mine. I just thought if those pretty dresses were never going to be worn by her again I might as well get pleasure from wearing them.
Dear Lacy,
Yes it does feel like a weight off my shoulders. It sounds like you and your wife have found a good working arrangement. I think your advice is very sound thank you and I will let her lead as much as possible, however, I don’t want her to feel it will also blow over.
Natasha x
That’s why I feel it’s important to at least give her small hints every now and then.
When the crossdressing bug bites it never goes away.
Yes it never goes away, it has taken time but I have learned that now. I was delighted yesterday when my wife suggested (as a joke) I should say I am a transvestite and wear a dress to get publicity for something. I said I’m always keen to wear a dress and then discussed with her whether I am a tv or a cd. I was so pleased she brought it up and was discussing it in a happy and relaxed manner. Fingers crossed.
That’s wonderful! I’m excited for you!
I’ve always liked to think of myself as a transvestite. I think the word has more meaning than crossdresser. I compare it to the words “lingerie” or “loungewear” I much prefer to say “I wear lingerie” than “I wear loungewear” The words can mean the same thing but one seams to have more meaning behind it.
Hi Natasha!
Not sure what to say. I told my wife everything just recently. And I mean everything!
She asked her questions and I answered them honestly. She just smiled and gave me a BIG HUG! It’s all good. What a relief! So, I dress quite often and quite literally in a dress! LOL!!
I often wonder if the Angels sprinkled pixy-dust on my wife and me.
Good Luck!
Barb
Natasha, I have had a number of stop / starts from my wife but thankfully it’s all going forward now. Be open, respectful and please go slowly. It’s a lot of information that they have to process. Just recently I have been under a lot of pressure at work and didn’t dress for about three weeks. Last weekend I did and felt fabulous but I felt self conscious again in front of her. Her reaction was you look great and please don’t. Good luck and we are here to help, by the way also in the UK.
Katie.
Hi Katie,
Nice o speak with another UK CDer. Yes I am taking it slowly and I know what you mean about being self conscious. I have worn panties and tights to her knowledge for a year or two now, but still feel awkward if she sees. Other than when she asks me to put them on for a bit of er ‘fun’.
The not knowing how she will want to proceed if at all is difficult, and at the same time I don’t want my silence to be taken as it has all gone away. But the priority is as everyone seems to suggest, being sensitive and not pushing.
Do you min if I ask what the conditions of being allowed to dress are?
Natasha x
Well, she isn’t freaking out on you-That’s good–The thing will be–Make sure SHE Feel secure & loved–Even involved–People generally Love to Give advice–Ask her– You could also incorporate your dressing into playtime & be more helpful–My wife loved it when I would do “Real” housework dressed as a Maid– It saved her a lot of work & I did a Better job while Dressed–(no complaining either) She would invite her “Straight friends over & I would cook/serve them meals drinks ect as “The Maid”– I think Focusing on Her emotional needs will make all the difference-
Thanks, I will do that. Focussing on her emotional needs that is, rather than dress as a maid for her friends. I am nowhere near that!
Hi Natasha,
Congrats on really starting your journey and coming out to your wife! I really want to honor that it take a lot of courage to do so!
Best advice I could give is listen to her and don’t try to push anything on her. Set up some dedicated time to talk, listen and process together!
Good Luck with everything!
x Sabrina
Thanks Sabrina, it was scary to admit it to her and she is a wonderful person for not just dismissing it. I am increasingly optimistic she is coming to some sort of acceptance or understanding. That does mean I’ll be dressing in high heels and stockings with her, but I think she will find some sort of accommodation with me even if it is do you thing alone with my blessing.
Hi Natasha,
Your profile sounds very similar to mine, except I haven’t come out to my wife yet. I’m also in fifties and have a great marriage. Only since lockdowns have I really thought seriously about revealing the truth as chances to dress have been limited.
It sounds like your wife has taken it well so far. It must be a great weight off the shoulders. I like the idea of being able to dress without being secretive. Maybe soon! All the best,Katie x
OMG, Katie! You look like a GG in your photos!
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