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Not sure if this is the right dept.
Well I sit here typing this and I have too many emotions and thoughts going thru my mind. I am very depressed at the same time I am disappointed and even excited at the same time and curious and many other thoughts but mostly depressed.
I am married and in a nice relationship as to the point that my wife knows I crossdress.We worked hard at this relationship and we strived to get what we have and need to this day.. there have been some rough times and many happy times.
I read about all the Crossdressers going out being passable (if they are true or just crossdressers and not in Transition which is easier to pass as time goes by)and having fun and some even getting together to have a nice time. I enjoy reading the stories about the successes and the not so good ventures. It helps me to know there is hope some where… I get to the point where I want to start the transition BUT I know if I do I will lose everything I have struggled for and have kept.
I get very depressed knowing as much as I try it does not seem to be enough to even look or even pass as a female. From when I was 11 years old (that I remember) I have always wanted to be a female. With growing up in a very strict so called christian family life was not easy or at some times even fun. I struggle with these thoughts going thru my mind. Like your too old to start transitioning. You look too old. The times I keep praying even tempting God saying I dare you to give me breasts!! I dare you to make me female and say ya figured that you got no balls…. ( Please do not bring up this as a discussion) I get frustrated but at the same time I keep saying to myself soon you will be able to go out shopping.
Back to my childhood when I first tried on nylons it was like being hooked on drugs to say the term. I got caught and my dad was disgusted and my mom said do you want to live like a girl and shame the family???? I kept my girl clothes hidden so when the time came I could wear the panties and the bra and a cute top. I did this thru high school and even in the military. Along the way also I had done alot of purging because of shame ,guilt or depression. Most of all I desired to be that woman that female and be done with this BS over egotistical male crap.
I sit and think about the what ifs what if I did say I was going to transition or what if I wanted to grow breasts or what if I want to go to a store and just look at clothes and say yes they are for me. What if I went to talk to my doctor or search out the psychologist or therapist… What if? then I think about what I have and am i willing to lose it or some of it or maybe none of it? what if?
I am not afraid to go to a store and look around that is the exciting part. Mind you I get this funny feeling in my gut most times. It is hard to dress here and go out as it is very rural farm country here and guys are suppose to be guys and girls well some of them are even stronger or better than some guys. This part I can not risk getting a name and then not having friends or even be able to talk to neighbours.
The other thing that is discouraging is seeing pictures of beautiful women or just women in general and they say they are crossdressers when in fact you can clearly see they are in transition which gives a false sense of hope to know that the person you are looking at is in transition. Not that I have anything against transition at all it would be nice to know that is the case because with some crossdressers who are in the closet still or in hiding can not do certain things all the time to make it easier or help them look more fem.
Not too sure where I am trying to go with this but maybe just to voice my self in some way. As it is just frustrating and depressing. I know there is no clear answer or there is any thing to actually say about all this. All I know is I want to be female and would do so in a heartbeat if it would not change what I have or want to keep. I know people will say it is not possible or possible and such and so forth. I would like to see or read that the stories being posted are either from a Crossdresser or some one in Transition.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. I just needed to voice myself and knowing things will stay the same for a while and I just have to make the best of it all. As for the depression (been there done that before) I will have to deal with it myself until such times that it has severely affected my well being.
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