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Not sure if this is the right dept.
Well I sit here typing this and I have too many emotions and thoughts going thru my mind. I am very depressed at the same time I am disappointed and even excited at the same time and curious and many other thoughts but mostly depressed.
I am married and in a nice relationship as to the point that my wife knows I crossdress.We worked hard at this relationship and we strived to get what we have and need to this day.. there have been some rough times and many happy times.
I read about all the Crossdressers going out being passable (if they are true or just crossdressers and not in Transition which is easier to pass as time goes by)and having fun and some even getting together to have a nice time. I enjoy reading the stories about the successes and the not so good ventures. It helps me to know there is hope some where… I get to the point where I want to start the transition BUT I know if I do I will lose everything I have struggled for and have kept.
I get very depressed knowing as much as I try it does not seem to be enough to even look or even pass as a female. From when I was 11 years old (that I remember) I have always wanted to be a female. With growing up in a very strict so called christian family life was not easy or at some times even fun. I struggle with these thoughts going thru my mind. Like your too old to start transitioning. You look too old. The times I keep praying even tempting God saying I dare you to give me breasts!! I dare you to make me female and say ya figured that you got no balls…. ( Please do not bring up this as a discussion) I get frustrated but at the same time I keep saying to myself soon you will be able to go out shopping.
Back to my childhood when I first tried on nylons it was like being hooked on drugs to say the term. I got caught and my dad was disgusted and my mom said do you want to live like a girl and shame the family???? I kept my girl clothes hidden so when the time came I could wear the panties and the bra and a cute top. I did this thru high school and even in the military. Along the way also I had done alot of purging because of shame ,guilt or depression. Most of all I desired to be that woman that female and be done with this BS over egotistical male crap.
I sit and think about the what ifs what if I did say I was going to transition or what if I wanted to grow breasts or what if I want to go to a store and just look at clothes and say yes they are for me. What if I went to talk to my doctor or search out the psychologist or therapist… What if? then I think about what I have and am i willing to lose it or some of it or maybe none of it? what if?
I am not afraid to go to a store and look around that is the exciting part. Mind you I get this funny feeling in my gut most times. It is hard to dress here and go out as it is very rural farm country here and guys are suppose to be guys and girls well some of them are even stronger or better than some guys. This part I can not risk getting a name and then not having friends or even be able to talk to neighbours.
The other thing that is discouraging is seeing pictures of beautiful women or just women in general and they say they are crossdressers when in fact you can clearly see they are in transition which gives a false sense of hope to know that the person you are looking at is in transition. Not that I have anything against transition at all it would be nice to know that is the case because with some crossdressers who are in the closet still or in hiding can not do certain things all the time to make it easier or help them look more fem.
Not too sure where I am trying to go with this but maybe just to voice my self in some way. As it is just frustrating and depressing. I know there is no clear answer or there is any thing to actually say about all this. All I know is I want to be female and would do so in a heartbeat if it would not change what I have or want to keep. I know people will say it is not possible or possible and such and so forth. I would like to see or read that the stories being posted are either from a Crossdresser or some one in Transition.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. I just needed to voice myself and knowing things will stay the same for a while and I just have to make the best of it all. As for the depression (been there done that before) I will have to deal with it myself until such times that it has severely affected my well being.
Take care
Steph
Hi Stevie
Thank you, by telling your story you let others know that in this too, they are not alone. I’m hoping for your sake that along with letting your wonderful wife know about your femme feelings, that you can also share your feelings of doubt. I’m a crossdresser who fits somewhere towards the middle of the gender spectrum but who isn’t interested in transitioning so I can’t speak to those feelings but be assured that we all have or have had depressing thoughts when dealing with these things in our life, it does often help to verbalize or write them down but many other times it takes in person conversations with family, friends or therapists to help us get through certain blocks in our own minds. We are always here to listen if indeed that helps.
Take care, take you time, and don’t be afraid to reach out.
Olivia
Stevie,
I was shamed as a child and it still affects me. It is called toxic shame. It can follow you around the rest of your life. Please consider seeing a counselor for your depression and shame. You also can’t compare yourself to some of the passable girls that go out. Many of them are masters at makeup and have natural physical features which are a big help. Some are on hormones. When I was a 12 y.o., I found a magazine with a picture of Raquel Welch and I cut it out and saved it. I wanted to look just like her. Sure, I wish that I looked like her, but reality is that I don’t. Take baby steps. Practice with some makeup. Watch some youtube videos on makeup, crossdressing and how to walk like a woman. There are even voice lessons you can take online. Take your time, relax, have fun and be yourself. There are posts on passing that you can read too. See below:
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/passing-the-holy-grail/
Hi Steph
I truly believe that passing is but a “Grail”, and have frequently gone out without makeup.
I will have to do that on Saturday, as I have a makeup session booked!
People can tell I’m a cross dresser, so it doesn’t bother me – but I am keen to find a look – or set of looks that I am happy with.
My profile picture is app enhanced – a kind of Mirror of Edisel. I look at it and kinda wish I could look like that – and am prepared to put in time, work and money to get a bit closer.
It’s a creative project, and my wife is becoming more open to it when put in those terms.
To avoid local disapproval, I regularly go to another town and enjoy my creation there.
My take is that anyone who has issues with the way I want to dress is too shallow to be a real friend.
Except my wife of course. I am hoping that will just take time and regular effort on my part.
Love Laura
Hi Stevie,
Firstly I am so proud of you for sharing your feelings honestly, the good and difficult. I like others here see a therapist and that has made a world of difference in my life. For me daily meditation is so so helpful. I use the Calm app and really try to do it each day. I am usually a very positive person with a great outlook on life, but with the difficulties I have with my S.O. in so many ways. My cross dressing is only one of them. The corvid crises is another stressor and I finally went to my doctor at my therapist recommendation and started a mild anti depressant. It really lifted the cloud of depression I was in. Your mileage may vary. I am just saying that there are ways to get help. You don’t have to do it alone. Cross Dresser Heaven has been a wonderful place for listening ears and shared experiences. The lady’s here are kind and accepting of you and your struggles. We are so willing to listen and with everyone’s levels of experience, I think we have seen it all. Keep sharing and expressing your feelings. Writing it out and using us as a sounding board is a great thing for all of us, regardless of where you are in your journey.
With love and encouragement..
Giant hugs to you Stevie,
Diane
Hi Stevie You have brought up so many issues that have to do with our community. Depression, SO awareness, fear of others finding out, being envious of others, shame, guilt purging these and many more are so much a part of our community, We all have dealt with these issues at any many points in our lives. When it gets a little overwhelming that is the time to seek help as you have done here. We here represent multiple generations from many parts of the world and so many different cultures. We all have the same feelings and we all want to express them one way or another. It can be frustrating to say the least not being able to express them without fear of losing everything you have gained or love. So many of us do not have access or feel they do not have access to mental health professionals. Some of us have the access and still are afraid to ask for help. I have had many therapist in my life and there has been only two that have really helped me. The only reason the two were able to help I was honest and truthful with them. It begins with you being honest with your self by accepting that your feelings are real. These feelings are not going away no matter how much you try to divert your attention by activities, drugs, alcohol, marriage, having children, work success, you name it we as a community have done it trying to hide those feelings. We all want to look in the mirror and see a image of a feminine pretty woman. Our internal identity has to be expressed some how some way. We were only given one body do deal with and we have to make the best of what we were given. That can include hormone modification or even surgery in some cases , It all begins with accepting who you are as a person first then you can deal with the outward appearance. The options for modifying the outward appearance are endless as you know. There are isles and isles of products and clothing that promise that can help you improve that image. If you take the the time to notice most of the models are in their late teens or early twenties and have been given exceptional bodies and even if they were not given it those bodies naturally there are so many services that are more than willing to help for a COST. Do not get caught up in trying to create the image that the multi billion dollar industries have created so you can feel better about your self.Take the time to work on your inner self. When you do that your inner beauty will come out and it will be noticed for sure. We have been given a special gift. Some would call it a curse. We have been given the ability to more nurturing, empathetic, sensitive to others feelings, to find beauty were others see ugly if we allow those feelings to come out we can show the outside world who we most identify with, that being the female gender. Those qualities are always welcomed in any environment in any part of the world. When people see you adding to those qualities by adding a little color or shape to your clothing it will almost be accepted if not expected. Never be ashamed of who you are as a person but first take the time to discover and nurture who you are as a whole person. If others find you offense for some reason then find people that will welcome those qualities no matter what clothing you choose to wear. You can begin right here. You are surrounded by loving caring people that only want to help you feel better about your self as a person.
Luv Stephanie
Hi Stevie,
Thank you for sharing your feelings sweetheart.
I too am a in the closet crossdresser my wife is the only one that knows.
She is ok if I dress at home preferably not in front of her and she is ok with me being dressed out of town.
I am 55 and no beauty queen ,but I feel feminine and pretty and that is all that matters.
I understand where you are coming from I think and I can relate.
Hugs Patty
Hi, Stevie, I can’t express just how much I want to give you a hug right now, and the same to all the girls who responded. All I can add is that definitions often don’t help. Be a good person who happens to crossdress. There is part of your natural human soul that needs to come out, and even though most men won’t let it, you feel the need. Embrace the beauty you see. Yes, sometimes photos of other girls can be daunting. No one here is comparing you to anyone. You are on your own track. The subjective ideal of “beauty” is difficult to achieve by most GG’s as well. I have a friend on Facebook who constantly laments that he doesn’t look like Jason Mamoa. Well, guess what. Jason Mania probably doesn’t look like that either.
Take your time, sweetie. And don’t forget to love yourself. I think this is the root of it all.
Hi Stevie,
As sever have mentioned, what you feel is something we all have/do feel this way at times. As for the “passable” thing. Im a people watcher and have noticed, there are GG’s that look no more passable than us. My younger sister for example, if it weren’t for her Double F breast, she and I look about the same. My point is, is really its about our confidence. I haven’t arrived at maximum confidence level by any means, but gaining by the day. I will be starting HRT later this month, so that will be a whole new challenge for me, but im excited about it. Take your time my sister, and take baby steps; it will come when you’re ready.
Hugs,
Kelly
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so down hun. You’re story is very similar to mine. I am so lucky to have a supportive wife, otherwise it would be a very lonely journey.
I live in a very rural area that would not accept Heather. I finally took the step and found a transgender therapist with hopes that she will help me figure out how to deal with this.
Hugs to you my sister.
Heather
I want to say THANK YOU!!! To all you beautiful ladies. Your input advice suggestions and the amount of caring everyone has given is outstanding. You have no idea how much everyone has helped me mentally knowing that it is not just me that has or had these feelings thoughts and many more.
Each reply has given me lots to think about.. ponder….. heed advice… and understand i am not alone in this. I have been able to move forward and try new things. This would not be possible without everyone who has responded with care …passion…. concern and just reaching out to offer even just a hug.
From the bottom to beyond the top of my heart I want to say thank you!!! Everyone has made a difference for me.
Love and Hugs
Stevie
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