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Friends,
I was out shopping at my local mall yesterday, an absolutely massive place BTW (King of Prussia PA), and as you’d expect for a Sunday afternoon there were lots of people there.
In one of the corridors I noticed a woman walking towards me and something(s) about her caught my attention – not that she looked at all like a man, far from it, though she was a tad taller than most, but rather that she looked ‘too fine,’ i.e., she wasn’t wearing a long t-shirt and sneakers like most of the women in there that day. Very nicely done makeup and longer blonde hair with beautifully done pink lips, a fashionable floral patterned top, capri leggings and some cute white cork wedges. As she got closer I simply couldn’t help but stare for a few seconds because I thought she was stunning (and I was right about that), and just before we made eye contact I had deduced that she was a crossdresser. When our eyes met her facial expression changed, in a way that lost its prior steadfastness and/or confidence – she knew I had ‘clocked’ her and quickly looked away as we passed each other.
I was so unexpectedly overcome with a range of emotions, most significantly feeling awful that I had imparted, unintentional as it was, a negative element into her ‘out-n-about’ experience. I thought about it for a moment and wanted to do something to ‘make it right,’ but I couldn’t decide what that would be, and I certainly couldn’t figure out how to do it in a way that wouldn’t make her feel even more uncomfortable than I already had. By the time these thoughts had run through my mind and I turned around to find out if I could even still see her, she had disappeared into the sea of people mulling about.
I sat down to think about what just happened and in addition to feeling badly for the reason I just described, I was also feeling very confused. I’ve been crossdressing for over 15 years, and only been out in public once, but I never considered what I would do if I ever met another crossdresser unexpectedly. As I sat there shaking my head at how unprepared I was, as a proud member of our community, I so wished that she would have known that I too was a crossdresser, with nothing but pure admiration for her, and that I thought she looked simply fabulous. But that didn’t happen. I’d like to figure out a way to ensure that it goes better next time – so how do I do that?
I thought about how I would want to be approached if the situation were reversed, but I’m not sure that would apply very universally – because we are all different people, but when we’re out in public crossdressed there is an element there that we all have in common…. Maybe we need a new sign language gesture – something discreet that could be transmitted knowingly, and instantly, between crossdressers to acknowledge who we are to each other? I don’t know what the answer is, but I know I don’t ever want to be caught unprepared again – and I certainly don’t want to ever make another crossdresser uncomfortable again!
Any suggestions, help?
Marcellette
P.S. If by some remote chance one of you that reads this is that CD who was in KOP yesterday, I’m deeply sorry for staring and for any diminishment of your public outing experience that I may have caused – please forgive me, I have nothing but admiration for both your courage and your presentation!
I have never noticed or seen another CD in public. Maybe I have but I’m just not paying attention, or I’m just not good at clocking other CD’s.
This woman stood out. She was more femme looking than other women around her. How do you run with that? If I had time to react, I might have told her that I was sorry I made her uncomfortable for staring. It’s a guy thing. You see an attractive woman and get dopey. You’re very pretty. I would treat her like a GG. if she was willing to give out more info, I would open up some also.
When I was first out on my own after high school, I used to dread the times anyone “read” me, be they gay, les or str8. At first it made it seem all the careful planning was for nothing and I would retreat home. Another CD I knew taught me to plan a 2d or even 3d alternative trip planned if the first bombed out. With time, I got used to it happening sometimes, and finally to where I don’t care if someone does or not. I’m out and about because I want to be.
Now, as my ability to spot other CD’s when out (and I still miss sometimes ), I will make the slightest eye contact with them, smile and move on a little slower. That other girl will let you know through her actions whether she is okay with exchanging a few words for a minute, or so. If she makes no attempt to reply to you, don’t push it. Don’t follow after her if she leaves the area, and for heavens sake, don’t call out to get her attention. If she wants to take it further, let her make that decision. Then proceed from there.
PaulaF
PS. Thinking about what I wrote put an image of Alistair Cook narrating for the BBC about two of us girls meeting and the body language and tactics we would use to actually make contact. Please forgive me, but enjoy the image.
I have never had this exact experience, but i have often found myself noticing a woman and worried that she would think i was a creep or something. i know what its like when you see an outfit and look that you love but you dont feel like you can say anything about it. I often want to say something nice about a dress or shoes or something but as a man i always feel like it would be awkward or inappropriate.
I feel like so many guys have other motives behind their compliments that it makes it hard to give a “clean” compliment. Usually i am envious of the look and just want to give a compliment as any other woman would, but usially feel like i cant. I akwats want to aak where they got the dress or something like that.
I live your idea about a sign of somekind. It would be wonderful to be able to send support when in drab.
Hi Marcellette,
Yes, something to be careful about – our reactions I mean. I was shopping in drab at a supermarket in my local big town, and thought “good heavens, have I just clocked my first CD?” as I went down the aisle behind a woman. Tall, wider shoulders, all a bit angular, half jeans and a tunic top. Something about her legs.
Being a small supermarket, we passed each other in another aisle, this time from the front, and no, I was wrong, but I’m sure my curiosity got the better of me though, and I was maybe looking a bit hard. Luckily she was engrossed with her shopping so didn’t register my attention. If she actually had been a cd, and probably more aware of her surroundings, I might have freaked her out. Which would have mortified me.
Marti xxx
Hey, things happen, please don’t beat yourself up. Just imagine, if she’d given you a wink, and you found a new friend.
Marti xxx
I’m pretty certain I ‘clocked’ a cd a few years ago when I was out shopping in a mall. I don’t remember all the details now but like you, just the way the person held themselves, were slightly overdressed for the location, all the little things I think about when I’m dressed and considering going out…anyplace where I might be seen. I wasn’t noticed in return as I just keep my casual gaze going in different directions and besides I was with my S.O. and she would have clocked me if I had said anything at all, so I left it at that.
But, seriously, I also had the urge to want to break the ice, explain that I certainly greatly admired her for being herself, saying I wish I that kind of courage. But also seriously how does one in mandrag say, ‘nice earrings’ without appearing as some kind of creep. Sighhhhhhhhh.
There was another time in a restaurant and a third time in the closest to a dive bar where I used to live where an obvious cd and her mother entered and had dinner (Valentines Day!). Some of those I was with were rather judgmental, and there were some stares by others around, but things settled down quickly and nobody became obnoxious, thankfully.
What I have learned to do all the time now is even in public places, you still need to respect other’s privacy.
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I think the idea of a universal gesture is a tremendous idea. It would allow us to interact, without having to interact. Then if both people made it seem like they wanted to stop and talk, they could. I think, more often than not, it would be done when one person is in drab and the other is dressed. Maybe a quick ear tug, like Carol Burnett used to do.
Or, and this is where my strange sense of humor immediately went, it could be something a little more elaborate… 🙂
Hi Marcellette,
I also like the idea of a recognised hand gesture.
As for myself, I always carry my shoulder bag… sometimes called a purse or a handbag… no matter how I am dressed. I think if I happened to meet one of our brethren while in drab, the shoulder bag may give some indication that I am a kindred spirit.
I also really like Patty’s idea… “Forgive me for staring, Miss… or Madam… ” then whatever nice, without seeming to want to chat her up, which may be difficult, that comes to mind.
Just my thoughts on the subject.
Aurora
Hi Marcellette,
You are right; we should all have some secret hand signal, such as a smile and a 3-finger salute, to acknowledge one another. It’s apparent that we are a lot more numerous than any of ever thought we were, in the beginning. I go out Dressed often, always with the expectation that somebody will clock me – but so what?, as long as they leave me alone, and I have yet to be confronted. Shopping is a more pleasant experience since my attitude adjustment.
Hugs,
BettylouHi Marcellette I think your response when you see another cross dresser is pretty understandable. Some times we all forget we represent only 1% of the general population. When we see others we recognize as being a part of our community it can be a little exciting and overwhelming, not knowing what to say or do is very common response. I am out shopping 3 – to 4 times a week I try keep it as androgynous as possible, but wearing only my fem clothing there is only so much one can do. I live in a area of the country where it not uncommon to see young trans people both trans men and trans woman. So I have learned just offer a cute smile and hello gesture and that is enough and just go about my day. I can say I felt a little uncomfortable when a man approached while sorting through a on sale rack of woman’s underwear. I was not sure if he thought I was gay or if he was gay. I was not sure how to handle the situation. So best just go about your business and understand that you are not alone and admire her bravery for expressing how she feels and wants only to fit in. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Luv Stephanie
Yes, a smile and a nod are always welcome from anyone I cross paths with, en femme or not.
Marcellette,
I found myself in a similar situation a couple of years ago near Las Vegas.
My wife and I went to a restaurant and there was a person at the table next to us who I thought was a CD. I was so excited, I wanted to pop over and say hi!!
I didn’t simply because I didn’t want to make an ass of myself just in case I was wrong🤪
C
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Yep a universal understood hand sign would be great but what can be done that isn’t seen as creepy? Maybe we get it wrong and its a GG instead of a CD so what then?
I’ve seen CD’s out in public but they were getting so much unwanted attention that I didn’t dare approach them. I would have loved to go up to them and confess I was part of the sisterhood and supported them but you never know what kind of reaction you could get from them or their detractors. If its were possible in passing to just quickly say… “Hello sister”… would that tell them I was a sister CD? I think if I heard that I would know.
Elton John as we all know is famous for CDing and he calls his friends “sisters” all the time.
All good points made. I just wanted to say that if I am out en femme and you clocked me, I would love to be acknowledged by a fellow sister or admirer. As long as you are friendly I would love to chat with you about anything. Just a “hi sis” or I love your outfit.
Universal gesture, I’m on board with that! I’ve seen CDs in public, but have never been physically close enough to say anything to them. I think if I were in your specific situation I would have possibly complimented her dress or something. The tone is the tricky part. You definitely want her to think you are being genuine and not snarky.
It’s unfortunate, but some cross dressers are so hung up on passing, that being outed by anyone is a disaaaaster, daaahling.
I’ve come across a few like that while out en femme myself.
In my case, I am not at all upset by being outed, even by idiots who call me out at the tops of their voices.
Little things please little minds.
I do feel a bit narked when someone calls me “mate”, or refers to me 3rd party as “him” or “he” – but I don’t let on.
This is a lesson to all of us – you are what you are.
Therefore, if someone sees through your careful and meticulous makeup, it’s not big deal – it’s not any kind of deal, it is what it is.
To me, a compliment is a compliment, and I can’t get enough or pay enough back!
If you ever see me out and about, feel free to shout “Hi Laura!!!” – it’d be fun!
Love Laura
In the fifties and sixties the line gay men used to use to ID each other was to ask “Are you A friend of Dorothy.”. A reference to Dorothy Gale in the Wizard of Oz. Gay men are huge Judy Garland fans.
Late to the party (as usual!) but my understanding is that a compliment from a stranger is not necessarily creepy if you’re complimenting the person’s choices or their efforts, not their body or face. I often compliment cashiers and waitstaff on their nails, earrings, piercings, makeup…whatever stands out about them.
Maybe they think I’m a creep as I walk away, but most just smile and say thanks. I hope that I’ve made their day a little brighter, and the next time they choose that shirt, those earrings, etc., they’ll walk with a little more confidence because that guy mentioned it that one time.
All this is leading up to the idea that a compliment on the CD’s fashion choice is something that can be done in passing (pun not intended!) and without any subtext of being clocked.
What do you all think? If a man saw you when you were out and about en femme and said, “Hey, that dress is pretty”, what would you think?
Yes! GGs do it all the time. I was shopping one time for a small clutch. Wasn’t fully en femme, but was wearing skinny jeans, a long-sleeved turtleneck, and my tan suede ankle-high boots. The cashier mentioned how much she loved the boots, and I returned a compliment about her earrings. We both were smiling after that little exchange.
I definitely wouldn’t mind a compliment any time I was dressed.
I was buying a pair of sandals this summer and commented on the SAs pants. We got in to a discussion about how comfortable they were, they were very baggy and flowy. At the end she said “You really should get a pair, they are amazing.” Sadly they were sold out. I was sort of drab, womens pants and tshirt, but buying womens sandals in a size 11. I assume she figured I was CD. I walked out of there with a big smile and I like to think I gave her one too. I decided that day that if I like what someone is wearing, I will compliment them. If they think I’m a creep when I leave, that’s their problem.
KoP Mall? A bit of a drive for me but if it is CD friendly then I may make the trip; let me know when the construction has stopped!!; joking.
For a universal CD sign on “clocking” I suggest using the right hand thumb and forefinger in a loose “O” with a minor shake. Best, Marlene.
Marcellette
Great story and compassion. I was out in drab once while on weekend getaway woth SO, but had my nails painted pink. Went to a Walmart to buy washer fluid. Woman behind register mentioned she loved the color. Felt very flattered. We ate at a restaurant also, waitress said like your nails, she brought us an extra dessert. Just be pleasant. Compliments go long way.
Compassionate Hugs
GingerI think if you are able to at least just say hi or hello with a quick compliment in passing example “hi thats a beautiful blouse” it would make one probably feel like a million bucks.
When I think back to compliments or comments I have received being dressed out in public due to the fact I clearly look like a man do to my shear physical size. I do not pass being 6’5 235 but I do try to always look nice and classy in my presentation as a version of femininity.
While at TGRoctober in 2019 I have been told be two men in an elevator at the Tuscany in Las Vegas “I love your hair it really is beautiful.” I have been told by a woman when walking through a dance club to get to and outside patio to view the strip from near the top of Mandalay Bay, “oh wow I love your dress you look so good where did you get it?” I told her thank you I got it at Macys a sleeveless black grommeted sweater dress. I also heard when I was walking on Fremont Street with another crossdresser and our cis gender girlfriends “Holy Crap look at the size of that crossdresser I bet he lost a bet and had to dress like that and go out with his wife and her girlfriends”. The girlfriends were 5’5, 5’6 the other crossdresser about 5’10 me 6’5 and with the shoe I had on at the time 6’7. All I could do was chuckle and laugh as the other crossdressers girlfriend laughed and commented, “well guess who is not blending don’t worry you look great April.”
When out with a group of Crossdressers for a girls night out in 2018 in Las Vegas at an Applebees a cisgender woman complimented me on my hair and presentation saying “I love your hair it is so beautiful and goes so well with the your outfit, I must say you look so beautiful you just need to smile more”.
I have received the compliments when I have gone to LGBTQ bars in Las Vegas with a group from Las Vegas for Girls Night Out a few men but mostly by lesbians who say I just love your hair you look beautiful.
The compliments even if mostly about the different wigs I am wearing at the time all make you feel good that people do compliment your effort maybe your courage they are people that have said nice things I have always said thank you to each of them sometimes will say I try also. For me I enjoy dressing it feels good to me. I don’t want transition I enjoy being a man however I do like to look and feel pretty, beautiful, sexy and when I dress I want to enjoy being April for a time looking the best I can and just enjoy having a good time. I also have definitely had more drinks bought for me when dressed as a woman and received more compliments than I ever have dressed as a man. Weird LOL.
Any gesture of kindness or compliments make me feel good and has probably also helped reinforce my desire to dress also.
April
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