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Just some Friday morning thoughts…
In a reply in a different forum this morning I was thinking about how I recently came out to my wife. This is something I had been working on for YEARS and it took some serious honesty on my part, and luckily, she has become very supportive. She was not negative, but acceptance was not immediate. Even though she knew for probably close to 20 years that I liked some female clothes and dressed in some unusual ways in private, the knowledge that I wanted to take the step to present in public as a woman sometimes was still a big step… and she is one of the most open and free thinking person I’ve ever met. It took a couple weeks for her to work it out in her mind. I approached it with a lot of patience with her and support for her. Answering questions carefully but honestly. Always taking care to make sure HER feelings and thoughts were the focus of the conversation. Honestly, when we drop something like this into someone’s lap, our focus should be on THEM and how they are feeling. We already know we crossdress. This is news for them, and they deserve a chance to process it. We need to be supporting and patient.
Maybe we need to consider whether it is fair that we’ve withheld this critical and very important part of ourselves from them this entire time, and then suddenly change on them (in their view). A negative reaction is somewhat warranted in many ways because it seems like a classic “bait & switch” move. Somebody finds out the person they knew was not the person they thought they knew (even though the new and total “us” is FABULOUS and will be so much more fun to be around!!). It makes sense they may need a bit of time to accept & adjust.
I think sometimes we feel since we’ve lived with this angst for so long that when we do finally come out, we deserve and expect a hug, a cake, and immediate positive acceptance (and we DO deserve it!). Anything else feels like a total disaster, but it is not realistic to expect someone to turn on a dime with their long-held perception of you. I think we need to treat the people we come out to with more compassion for their feelings than we expect from them for our feelings. Since we are the ones “exposing ourselves” and this part of our soul, we naturally focus on our feelings. Keeping our focus on helping the other person in a compassionate way will help you keep control of you emotions, and will help absorb any negative comments or reactions without judgement.
As they work through it over the following days, weeks, months or more, remembering to keep their justifiable feelings in mind will probably pay bigger dividends in the long haul, either with a much more casual attitude toward your dressing, or at least the ability to move past it if they don’t want to participate in that part of your life. I think it is fair for them to only want to be with the male version, if that is who they are comfortable with. After coming out, forcing this new image might be more than they can take.
Acceptance has many forms, and if seeing us in pantyhose, breast forms, makeup, heels, and a sequined dress makes them uncomfortable, maybe we can respect that space, if we value the relationship. Is it enough that they know about your dressing but don’t want to participate? Why not? They may know you love fishing, but never want to get out on the water to fish with you, and you can still be friends.
Sorry… I’m just babbling while I work through my own “coming out” journey and wanted to share my thoughts this morning.
Be well my lovelies!😘
At the core of this is the fact that humans tend not to accept change very well. It is difficult as it brings into question many, if not all, of the things that we assumed or thought that we knew. Hanging onto those things is what kills our forward progress. Two things have to happen simultaneously. First, we have to continue to take care of ourselves, but also at the same time we have to help our partners along the road. It may seem that change in our partners is exceedingly slow, but consider what is happening for them. From their perspective, their world has been thrown upside down. The future is uncertain and what to do next is a mystery. It is definitely a WTF moment.
On the other hand, some do stay together. I take that to mean that the relationship still maintains a high priority. One thing that I do find interesting is the possibility of change can provide a reason for a reset. Things are already in a state of flux, so why not use the opportunity to rethink some things that you thought needed some work?
No time like the present!
So very well said Philma. Thank you for posting this. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our own little experience and to minimize in our minds what a bombshell we have dropped in our partner’s world. The initial days, weeks, months HAVE to be about them if there is to be any hope of eventual acceptance.
-Jen
I disagree with some of this. Respectfully, of course.
It’s not about whether it’s fair or not.
We’ve had our reasons, normally inflicted by society, for “withholding information” – and, to be sure, there’s plenty I’ve “withheld” because no-one shares every microscopic detail of their life, and most have secrets, or episodes that they’d rather not talk about, or have tried to bury from their own memory.
The fact I cross dress does not make me female any more than the fact my wife stopped wearing short skirts and dresses and opted for t shirts and jeans makes her male.
People change and that’s a fact.
Most couples sign up for better or worse.
When we reveal something that we care more passionately about than we even realised we did, we are not dropping anything on anyone, we are sharing where we are right now.
It’s not the end of the world because of clothes!
I agree with pretty much everything else – one should always practice patience and understanding.
If you said you were a serial murderer, then yes, you’re dropping something big, but not clothes.
If my wife said she wanted to turn our house into a butcher’s shop, and had always wanted to do that, then it would be a case of doing that and losing me.
But she would know that because I’m a lifelong vegetarian.
She didn’t eat much meat when we met – occasionally fish or chicken, but rarely around me.
After our daughter was born, that changed, and I felt a bit betrayed.
I am still completely revolted when meat is cooked in our house, and can hardly bear to watch the rest of them eat it.
I clearly do not wear the trousers in our house or that would have never started.
But I have allowed my wife to be herself completely.
Allowed. Big word.
I would imagine most meat eaters wonder what the problem is – but to know, you would have to have been brought up vegetarian as my entire family were. You would then understand the curiousity I still have that people actually eat animals, knowing what they are.
So no, I do not get why clothes are a problem, specifically female clothing on males and not the other way around.
I think it’s utterly trivial.
But I do understand that others feel differently to me and I don’t expect us to all think or feel the same way.
Love Laura.
I have heard about this and the one rule of thumb I always stick by is give them a few weeks. Expecting anybody to immediately be happy with a change is asking too much. There does need to be some understanding that this is a change and that they might be taken aback by it and they might not understand.
But I think the reason why we feel betrayed when somebody acts out and drops us because of it is because…we didn’t change. We didn’t change anymore than we did during our second date. Can you imagine dumping a girl cause she wore pants on one date and then a skirt on the second? No, it is ludicrous! So why aren’t the same liberties given to us? Sure, you wore a nice suit and tie when you were married and now you wanting to trade it in for a dress, but that doesn’t change who you are, just what you wear.
Now, now, now I understand that for some people it is more than that. It is not just the clothing, but your image, your persona, your gender. Maybe then I could see it being a bigger deal than just clothes.
There are also other cases where the partner doesn’t understand and thinks that is what is going on, but that just means there needs to be conversation and trust and if that doesn’t happen that is its own kettle of fish.
Ultimately, it sucks. I really wish we could be more open about who we are from the get go, but society isn’t in that space yet. I live in a fairly liberal town and I still saw the words “Fuck *insert derogative here*” painted on a person’s car the other day with the tires slashed. It is a shame we can’t be open about who we are, but when we do open up with someone who loves us “For better or for worse, for sickness and in health” and they…they just don’t understand. It stings, especially when they refuse to even try.
Luckily there are those that do understand, those that do try, and those that meet somewhere in the middle. It is a tough world out there.
I have written way more than I intended, oh well.
Thank you my dear for such a logical and objective analysis to our situation in relation with our SO , it is true that the reaction to our confessions are based on the background eduction by our wives ,,,and some reject completely and some partial acceptance are a logical response and lot of people has enriched their confessions with total support …yet by all means it is a blessing if our wives support our nature ,
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