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  • #704284
    Stephanie Green
    Participant
    Registered On: November 20, 2022
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 107
    Has thanked: 119 times
    Been thanked: 439 times

    I have been crossdressing for more than 30 years and still can’t fully embrace my feminine side.  I’m sure that all of us crossdressers have experienced that struggle to some degree.  There are many reasons why I find it difficult to embrace being a CD.  Reasons relating to religion, a wife who wants me to quit crossdressing, and the desire to just be a normal guy are few of them that I am going to have to address myself.  I’ve gotten input from friends about those things already.  I don’t want to get into them here.

    What I’d like to know are your thoughts on violating societal norms.  Do you care about it?  Does it bother you?  Why or why not?  What do we owe society?  What does society owe us?  When I started crossdressing, I did it at home, in private.  If I never went beyond that, none of this would be such a big deal to me.  I did go beyond that though.  The more I dressed, the more I wanted to dress, both in terms of the amount of time I spent dressed and the extent to which I was dressed (started in just lingerie, currently dress from head to toe, wig to shoes, including lingerie, outerwear, makeup, jewelry and perfume).  So far, my en femme outings have been to a CD friendly store.  A man presenting as a woman there is not a surprise to anyone.  The staff and other customers, whether male or female, treated me like a woman.  Once I got over my initial nervousness about being out en femme, my experiences there have been wonderful, enjoyable escapes from my normal life.  Now, I want to go out to other places, to do more than just go shopping.  Am I still looking for escapes from reality, or is being Stephanie now part of my reality?  Time will tell.  Either way, if I start going to places that do not cater specifically to CDs, it is inevitable that I will end up interacting with people who know little about CDs and may have never met one of us.  How should I act when that happens?  Such a situation could go so many different ways depending on the people involved and what is going on.  I like to think that most people, regardless of what they think about crossdressing in general, would be kind enough to not create a scene, but I also know that there are a lot of jerks out there.  Any advice on dealing with rude people, being outed, or generally uncomfortable situations would be appreciated.

    What about being a man in women’s spaces?  Has that caused any of you concern?  How did you get past it?  In addition to the shopping, I’ve also gotten a makeover at the CD friendly store near me.  Being transformed from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan by a professional makeup artist was an unforgettable experience.  In the future, I’d like to get a manicure or have my hair done too.  They don’t offer those services at the store I’ve been to, so I’d have to go elsewhere.  I know that there are CD friendly salons out there.  Still, I’d feel at least a bit uneasy going into a women’s space like that.  The same can be said about dressing rooms and restrooms.  There are many supportive and understanding genetic girls here.  That may not be the case when I venture out into the world as Stephanie.  I can understand that women want their spaces.  They don’t want males around even if the males are feminine.  I get it.  No matter the clothes, makeup, hair, shoes, padding, surgeries or hormones, a genetic male will always be different from a genetic female.  I’m not going to say that anyone is wrong to think that.  As a matter of fact, that’s one of the things that has me thinking I should quit crossdressing.

    My crossdressing experience has been a progresssion toward presenting myself as close as I can possibly get to being real woman.  Aside from the struggle we all go through, it has been fun.  (How far am I going to go with it?  That’s an entirely different matter.)  As I think about doing more and going out into public as Stephanie, I’m concerned about the problems such activity can cause for me and those around me.  Should I try to rein in my feminine side completely, continue carefully going forward, or throw caution to the wind?

    I welcome your comments.

Viewing 10 reply threads
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    Replies
    • #704423
      Fiona Black
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: November 23, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 432
      Has thanked: 272 times
      Been thanked: 1820 times

      Stephanie,

      1. Living in a way that is outside of society’s customary norms is not evil or deviant. Acting or dressing differently than many others means you are more comfortable with and interested in your personal well-being and that is not a terrible thing.

      2. I have been out dressed probably over 100 times. I pass as a woman until I open my mouth but have never had a bad experience. In fact I have made a friend & a few acquaintances who only know me as a woman.

      3. The key to having nice experiences while out is to accept yourself and above all act confidently. By acting confidently, many of your concerns will melt away and you will enjoy being Stephanie much more. Try to keep a smile on your face whenever out, it helps put people at ease.

      4. Being confident will allow you to use ladies fitting rooms & bathrooms whenever necessary. Act like you belong there, don’t talk to anyone and everything should be fine.

      5. Carefully going forward seems like the best strategy. Don’t chuck it all away and don’t throw caution to the wind.

      Fiona

    • #704384
      Lauren Mugnaia
      Duchess
      Registered On: November 1, 2021
      Topics: 24
      Replies: 636
      Has thanked: 10432 times
      Been thanked: 3588 times

      Hi Stephanie,

      As others have pointed out, when you’re being your true self, the norms don’t matter because you create and follow your own norms. To heck with what judgemental people say or think, that’s their problem, not yours!
      So the question is, who are you and why do you want to dress as a woman? Only you know the answer and eventually you have to face a reality and accept who you truly are.

      I am transgender, have known that since a young child. I have transitioned and now live as a woman, legally a female. Do I care what people think? Not anymore, I could care less. As several have also mentioned, show them your feminine side, think like a woman, act like a woman, and walk tall, proud and confident in who you are.

      There will always be those who refuse us, and some may challenge us or point us out, it’s called “getting clocked”. Smile, say “have a nice day” and walk away, because, once again, it’s their problem, not yours.

      Wishing you all the best on your journey,
      Hugs,

      Ms. Lauren M

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #704348
      Samantha Deena
      Lady
      Registered On: November 7, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 255
      Has thanked: 1614 times
      Been thanked: 1067 times

      Personally I don’t give a dam what others think,you think like a woman you act like a woman, I used to be scared until I spoke to a beautiful woman on here and she gave that advice and I’ve never looked back and that was a year ago,all I can say is good luck with whatever you decide all my love Samantha xx

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #704347
      Trish White
      Baroness
      Registered On: December 2, 2021
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 484
      Has thanked: 3127 times
      Been thanked: 2083 times

      Hi Stephanie,

      Fourty years ago you may have had some valid concerns. In today’s world I honestly think you’re worrying about nothing. I’ve been a cross dresser for my entire life and started going out as a girl in my late teens. The first few times I was very apprehensive but that soon faded away. I’m now 72 and still go out shopping, to restaurants and bars, Costca…where ever and I have never had an issue with anyone. Honestly early on if someone looked at me, right away, I thought they knew I was a boy in girls clothes, but soon realized that wasn’t the case. All you need is confidence in your self.

      I follow a CD girl’s blogs and a lot of them are her experiences going out dressed as a female. Her blog is world wide. I think you may get alot of really good information from her blogs. If you’re interested just google ‘Kandi’s Land. Hope this all helps.

      Cheers,

      Trish 💖

      • #704418
        Fiona Black
        Baroness - Annual
        Registered On: November 23, 2019
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 432
        Has thanked: 272 times
        Been thanked: 1820 times

        Trish,

        I follow Kandi too & have seen some of your replies there. Another good blog is Stana’s Femulate.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #704630
          Trish White
          Baroness
          Registered On: December 2, 2021
          Topics: 4
          Replies: 484
          Has thanked: 3127 times
          Been thanked: 2083 times

          Thanks Fiona, I will definitely check it out ❤️

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #704346
      J J
      Lady
      Registered On: September 13, 2019
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 491
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 1869 times

      First and foremost, there really is no such thing as “normal”. It is just an arbitrary standard that has some how developed. Most things in life are your classic “bell shaped curve”. Typically normal normal is somewhere near the top and part way down each side. But, how far down each side…one standard deviation? two? Who gets to decide? With this attitude I just push to get normal further down the side of the curve. I will wear my femme boots with jeans when grocery shopping. If enough of us do it, we become normal. If I wear a skirt to order a beer and pizza, I am trying to change the “norm”. If I wear lipstick, a wig a dress, what ever, I am slowly changing the norm.

      Not that long ago being gay was abnormal, and while it still is to some religious bigots, for most of society it is now normal for a certain percent of the population. In biblical days men wore dresses…it was normal. Sure they didn’t call them that, but functionally the were.

       

      My point is to not get hung up on what others think is normal. You do you as long as you are not hurting others or yourself then enjoy being a bit different. As my wax technician says, “if someone has a problem with it, it is their problem, not yours.”

    • #704340
      Kim Dahlenbergen
      Lady
      Registered On: November 18, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 284
      Has thanked: 261 times
      Been thanked: 1054 times

      There really isn’t a social norm. Attitudes towards us are spread across the board, but except for a certain anti-social subset of the population, my experience is that we are either not seen, ignored, tolerated or happily received by the vast majority of people.

    • #704306
      Bianca Everdene
      Lady
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
      Topics: 34
      Replies: 1046
      Has thanked: 4359 times
      Been thanked: 4667 times

      Hi Stephanie

      It is such a thought provoking thing we do.

      The following is my personal experience, thoughts and feelings, I’m OK if you disagree, and I totally understand the pressures to conform and would never critisice another’s decision to do what they feel is right for them.

      I divorced 8 years ago, never crossdressed before that. I now know it was always there, but buried so far down under me being who I was supposed to be (a son, a brother, a husband, a father, acting the way I was supposed to act carrying out these roles ) I would never dare entertain this part of me. Yes happily admit it was fear, shame, guilt. So I carried on being a ‘normal’ man.

      Raising the kids as a single parent and working full time I didn’t have time for a relationship with a woman. The kids gradually grew and got their independence,

      And gradually this inner Bianca grew in me, and over the years has blossomed into what I now realise is the real me.

      Came out to female friends at work, and the support and encouragement from them has been overwhelming.

      I realised the last major obstacle holding me back (my kids know) was always being prepared to purge everything and try to keep it ‘contained’ , ready to purge if I ever did fall for  a woman. Giving up the hope of ever finding a woman (who would accept ALL of me) to get into a serious relationship with, really was like an anchor being cut, allowing my inner Bianca to unfurl the sails and go forth.

      I am alone, but the happiest I’ve ever been. Yes I do know it stereotypical societal norms and expectations that will stop me finding a significant other. And yes I know I don’t quite fit in with groups of guys, or fully with groups of girls. Always there will be awkward situations.

      But therapy made me ask a lot of questions.
      If people have problems with the way I present is it me who is the problem? Or societal parameters? You know what answer I have come to, it’s not me!

      I have been out in company, and if in full Bianca mode yes I do go to the ladies, never been a problem, it’s more curiosity from women, who either ignore me or are really friendly.

      I like to think doing  what I do, presenting as Bianca,  is pushing boundaries. Hopefully making it easier for those who follow in years to come to just be themselves without fear or shame or judgement. Desensitising society, normalising what we do, showing we can overcome the feelings of shame and guilt and fear. I grew up a healthy, working white man. Never had any feelings that others felt ‘superior’ to me.  I now wonder if the feelings I had when first going out as Bianca, the fear, the feeling of being judged, the feeling I was somehow something inferior, is something other groups have experienced throughout history, people of different races and religions, different coloured skin, people with disabilities, LGBT groups, even women, who for so long have had to fight for equality. Am I in my own little  way fighting to overcome the stigma associated with a man fully expressing his feminine side?

      I am not religious in the slightest so have no rules to be bound by in that department. I am a good person.

      Sorry once you get me started…

      B x

    • #704299
      Julia Reynolds
      Lady
      Registered On: November 16, 2022
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 30
      Has thanked: 208 times
      Been thanked: 212 times

      It seems to me that you have to come to accept Stephanie as part of yourself.  Believe me, many of us have wrestled with concerns similar to what you bring up.  I have tried to pack away the panties for good, but I’m back en femme sooner or later.  I do not view dressing as something that fits into a right or wrong category.  I just accept that I am the way I am, and I have stopped worrying about the reasons why because if there is one, I haven’t been made aware of it.

      Societal norms are far from what they were just a few years ago.  If an individual has a problem with the way I am dressed, they don’t have to look at me.  If they really want to get in my face about it, I carry a taser in my handbag.

      Your wife is another matter, it depends on what you value more, the right to be the person you are or the need to conform to someone else’s expectations of the person you should be.

      XO – Julia

       

       

    • #704298
      Sara Cousins
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 30, 2022
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 146
      Has thanked: 299 times
      Been thanked: 808 times

      I think that is one of the biggest fears I have is being found out. I live in a sparsely populated area in the country which gives me the freedom to dress in private and drab covered when I go out.
      In the bigger centers you can tend to blend in and most wouldn’t care I don’t think but where I am is pretty much the northern version of redneck country and still 50 years behind times.
      So this girl will remain in the closet and enjoy being en femme even when shoveling snow off my deck.
      Sara

    • #704295
      Roberta Broussard
      Baroness
      Registered On: July 20, 2020
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 498
      Has thanked: 6784 times
      Been thanked: 2453 times

      You’ve asked a lot of questions, so it may be hard for anyone to address them all. first off, I’ll say this about norms. I tend to bring my own norms along with me. My norms are whatever I think they are. I have been out in public a fair bit. Maintaining a sense of confidence and conviction carries a long way with the atmosphere around me. I don’t let other people’s attitude shake or deter what I think of myself. I get treated as a woman, because I act like one. Even when I sense that others question my authenticity, I always behave a woman. There might be a pause in the conversation, for that moment of realization. I just keep acting as a normal female would. In almost every case the conversation just goes on and finishes up like any other conversation would go. When I feal others are looking at me so very carefully, I show them my feminine side. This lets them feel safe and unthreatened. This is especially true in bathrooms or dressing rooms. I think they just want to make sure that I’m not some perverted guy. Once they see my feminine side, they seem to just relax and accept me.

      I’m sure others will offer much added insights, to help with the other concerns.

    • #704292
      Emily Alt
      Hostess
      Registered On: August 24, 2019
      Topics: 24
      Replies: 1271
      Has thanked: 1432 times
      Been thanked: 6561 times

      I don’t see that I’m violating any societal norms.

      100+ years ago any woman that wore pants “violated” societal norms of the day.  Obviously those norms weren’t a deterrent.  Women forced a social change and now they wear virtually anything they want.

      So no.  I’m not violating a social norm.  I’m changing one that’s destined for the history books.

      /EA

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