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I wanted to share my feelings about self doubt and how it made me question myself, even after a wonderful experience being out dressed. I attended keystone and had a great time this past week. I did what most of us do I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with myself and then took the plunge. I walked out of my hotel room and down the street and into the conference, I was nervous but this was my second one so I was gonna be alright. I felt confident talking to most people and had a lovely time. When I got home I had a chance to look at the pics and was rather displeased with myself. It made me question things, was my mirror lieing to me? was I really this image on my phone? We all know pictures lie but darn! I was upset, I confess to asking some friends who had attended about it. They were all super encouraging and kind but I still allowed self doubt to creep into my head. To the point that dressed the next time I could in the same clothes and wig I had worn. I took 80 pictures of myself today all in the hopes that I could find proof that a few selflies from the conference were just bad pics. The truth I found was somewhere in the middle. I’d say 50 of them are presentable, which is a high percentage for me. We are never as pretty as our best pictures and not as unattractive as our worst. We are our own worst critics for sure because in reality we don’t see ourselves the way on lookers do. Maybe I’m just vain, or maybe it’s just self doubt rearing it’s ugly head again. I guess I’m just walking that thin line. Hopefully some day I will get to a place I can put the doubts behind me. Has anyone else had this experience? I’d love to hear your comments. Thanks.
When you look at photos, you can stare for a long time and see the male you in the photos, which will definitely give you some self doubt. Remember that most people will see just a quick glance.
But photographers use some tricks to take better pictures. Diane Crow had a session on this one morning. Some things are to try to control lighting so that it is softer, and be aware of the background so it doesn’t detract from the subject. Some others were to stand at an angle so you don’t appear as wide and to break natural asymmetries in your body, break the legs (for example one knee out or cross the legs) and put the weight on one foot, bend the wrist and take a side view of the hands (not straight on) to make them look smaller, keep the chin out tighten the skin at the throat, and to smile with the eyes. If you thrust one hip away from the camera, you can give the illusion of a curved waistline.
I haven’t looked at my photos to see if the ones after that session came out looking nicer, but I’ll try to remember some of these ideas when I take photos from now on.
Melanie you looked great at the conference. Anyways, you did something that many sisters just dream about i.e. you mustered up your inner girl powers and walked out and reintroduced the world to Melanie.
I know we are, our own worst critics. Frankly I know I am very critical of my look. I am way more critical as Susan than when I present in drab. As Susan I have doubts but I learned very fast that as long as I am happy that is what matters to me. Looking around at everyone when we were at the bar or the lobby it was hundreds of ladies who were laughing, giggling and everyone was smiling. That to me was proof positive that dressing is very cathartic for ladies like us.
As far as last week you looked great and I am sure you had a great time. Next year will just be an even better time there.
Thanks
Susan
Yup, Me too for both not taking pics and generally disliking any that have been taken of me. I tend to be hyper critical of the lines in my face. While my body usually rocks, my face is a prehistoric era. It wasn’t always that way. Ten years ago my face did not have the desert southwest along with the Grand Canyon living as permanent residents. So, now I just leave my phone in my bag and realize that any pic I take will be of others and not of me. I know that if I make lots of effort I can get an acceptable pic but I’m really at the conference for reasons other than a Kodak Moment. I’m always very pleasantly surprised when someone takes my pic and it looks good to me and that happened once at Keystone. I have very few pics of myself that I have liked and saved. Now, I’m always out so I don’t think that I need to record my appearance unless I am concerned about the way my garment looks. My time to be one of the pretty ones has long since passed but I do get the idea of not wanting to look decrepit. BTY Melanie whenever I saw you, I thought that you looked great but I also agree that we are our worst critics. When I worked professionally as a videographer and photographer I used the 20 to 1 rule, meaning that out of 20 shots you could average about 1 acceptable image. If your pics really bother you then it’s time to put the work in now just like professional models and practice, practice, practice before the next time. Then you will have the muscle memory, smile, makeup, pose and garment to rock it to your satisfaction. Otherwise, life is short, party on with abandon, skip the picture worry and think who gives a rats behind, I’m here for the fun. Hugs, Marg
Marg you have the attitude that I want to get to some day, a point where you don’t worry about the images, just the good times. I don’t think we met but I wish we did. Maybe next year.
Well, I remember that we met in the bar but just passing and saying hi but not really sitting down and talking. I was busy with my workshop stuff and so were so many other folks. Next time I’ll slow down and we’ll talk. Also, I’m an antique so that makes me less worrisome about a lot of things. Hugs, Marg
Melanie, I don’t think you will find anyone here that hasn’t had the same self criticism of themselves after reviewing their photos. I’ve actually had that happen when dressed as a male too, but much more so when I am female.
The first time I posted a photo of myself here was actually the first time that I was able to look at a picture of myself and, in my opinion, actually see a woman. But I still had those doubts that you have. So, I thought that I will just wait and see what others might think. I was, of course very self critical, so, I wasn’t expecting anyone to actually like the photo. To my surprise, and with the support and encouragement of all of the wonderful girls here, I was overwhelmed with the response. It was so positive, that I became less suspicious that the comments were just being nice.
So, I have experienced exactly what you mention, and we all will. Even as men, we never have a perfect day in our looks, but we don’t have to worry about it since that is what we’ve been for the majority of our lives. So becoming women and having confidence dressed as a woman will just take time, and of course encouragement from our sisters here at CDH.
Even GG experience this, so don’t feal too distraught. Everyone has good hair and bad hair days. Don’t let it get you down. Just do your best to pretty yourself and get out there.
Roberta that’s so true. Ggs doubt them selves as well. What bothered me was I felt so confident at the time but I allowed my own vanity to make me feel bad after. I went in knowing I was among accepting folks and that my presentation wasn’t something I needed to be that worried about but I allowed a couple of bad pictures make me question myself. I guess I am still a work in progress.
You should walk a mile in my pumps. Haven’t had a picture taken yet that does not scare even my dogs. LOL
I share your feelings. I am amazed at how vain I am as Michelle where I could care less as my male self. The posed cherry picked pictures that I post and save make me feel like a pretty women who looks good for her age but the pictures I don’t post or save make me worry that out and about I will look like an old dude in a dress.
I doubt that there are many older women that are happy with the way they look and don’t long to look like they did when they were younger. Of course, even younger beautiful women see their faults more than their beauty. The women that seem the most beautiful to me are those who own it and smile with confidence and enjoy life. That is something I am trying to remember as I prepare for my first time out on Saturday.
You all seemed to be having a wonderful time at Keystone and all I saw was beautiful ladies enjoying life.
Hi Melanie
First of all, you look fabulous.
Self doubt is something that permeates all our lives.
I’ve learned to control, and to a large extent erase it from my life. I put a lot of thought into what I wear, and will critique myself again and again in the mirror until I am happy with how I look. And I’ve learned that’s enough. I have very little regard now about how strangers see me, and those who know me are very supportive and complimentary.
Yes I do sometimes see myself in photos and realise I should keep my knees together or open my eyes more ( I smile too much, my eyes become more closed than open), or wear lower heels. But I see these as opportunities to try improve myself.
I have also tried to foster other traits like confidence, head up, shoulders back, make eye contact, smile, slouching in the shadows doesn’t look good.B x
Ty Bianca. My point in this forum was to express how I allowed a few bad pics make me doubt myself. I went into this experience knowing I was going to be accepted and I spent a year telling folks not to let concerns about presentation ruin a good time. The sad thing is I didn’t take my own advice, because I had a great and was accepted by everyone I met. But the little voice in my head still has her doubts. Lol
We are all beautiful in our own way. Will we grace the pages of Cosmo? Probably not, but that doesn’t matter. I certainly have had, and will have, such self doubts. I will always be a guy in a dress, and I am fine with that. I feel good enough about myself and how I look dressed that I can go out, but am fully aware that with anything more then a casual glance one can see I am a guy in a dress.
I believe it was Andy Warhol who said “if any object is not beautiful, then no object is beautiful”. That applies equally well, if not better to people. We are all unique and beautiful in our own way.
I really have a problem with my legs in pictures. To me they tend to look like too skinny and not very shapely. But they don’t look that way in the mirror. I believe there is some distortion caused by the camera at the edges of the lens. I will trust the mirror and go my merry way. Besides if all I have to worry about is my legs then I need to rethink how I accept myself. Sorry if I rambled a bit but in the long run we all have our flaws. It’s what makes you special and unique.
Love,
Tommie
I can totally relate Mel. Thanks for posting this. I really needed to see this right now. 🙂
Everyone has good sides and bad sides, or at least not so good sides. In my experience, the lighting and camera angles can magnify minor problems or create some that are not there.
What I’d suggest is that you take a few pics, rotating to see how ambient light affects the image. Also, play around with angles (straight on, above, below, left/right/centered). Once you find a combination that works for you, you can dispense with taking 75 of the 80 pics you might otherwise take.
Ty for your insight Kim but my point is deeper than just capturing a nice image. I’m referring to letting go of vanity and control of pictures of oneself. I may not have articulated it well but that’s my meaning, seeing myself in pictures I don’t like made me think I was ugly, to the point I took 80 pics just to prove to myself I wasn’t. I know it’s silly but that’s how fragile this cds ego is. Sorry if it wasn’t clear.
I understand. Thanks for the clarification 🙂
I think it get easier as you get older. Maybe its just my lowered expectations and those GGs I am comparing myself to gettting older as well.
This is true. One of the things about this site is that I’ve really appreciated how great many of the older ladies look. I used to think that I’d missed the best time in my life for dressing (junior high and high school and early 20’s) but this site has really shown that maybe the best years are ahead. I think cross dressing is one of the things that really can get better with age.
Hey Mel, I’ve thought about this a lot. There’s something very different about looking in the mirror, and taking a picture. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. Maybe some of the ladies here who are real photographers can explain some of it, there’s probably nuances like lighting and camera angle and lens distortion and who knows how many other sorts of things. I know that I’ve always found it awkward to pose for pictures, but usually more natural or spontaneous pictures seem to work out better. I have had the exact experience. I get dressed, look in the mirror, feel pretty pleased with how I look, and think, “this is going to be fun,” then I get to a place and decide to snap a picture and think, “I look horrible, is this how everyone else sees me?” and I want to go home and purge and never dress again.
I think it’s part of the inevitable ups and downs of dressing up. I suppose all women feel this way, but I think because we’re cross dressers, more sensitive to feminine beauty than probably even many women, we have higher hopes and expectations. It’s tricky because most of us have higher than normal standards in what we’re trying to achieve in terms of beauty and fashion, but someone more than usually difficult material to work with. Learning to be content is a secret of life in any endeavor, but it can be especially tricky as a cross dresser.
For what it’s worth, if that blue sweater dress/look was how you went out at Keystone, I can guarantee you looked fabulous! LOL, I just had this thought that I judge how good another woman looks by how jealous I feel. In that case, you’re a solid ten!
Sarah you hit the nail on the head. We tend to see ourselves only in the negative light of our worst image, and unfortunately sometimes dwell on it.
Jealously is also something I feel when I see a beautiful gg or some of the cds I saw this past weekend, the funny thing is they probably feel just as insecure and jealous of us. Thanks Sarah
Hi Melanie, I understand about how we look at ourselves and wonder exactly what it is we’re seeing. Marg Produe covered a good deal. Just remember, all those pictures we see of models in magazines or online or wherever, most of them are the result of many, many, many single takes, most all done in lighting that is there to enhance the shot, each at different angles to make sure that the one angle chosen is the best, the backgrounds are either carefully chosen or are replaced by better fitting different backgrounds.
In other words, by professionals who are paid probably decently to get that exactly one picture that flatters the model, the product, the agency, the advertiser and eventually the audience.
What do we have? A phone with a decent camera – certainly much better than the old Kodak Instamatics or Polaroid 1 minute photos, but far too few of us have the experience, knowledge, training of those professionals and they do it for a living, we do it to try to feel better about ourselves.
Back in college, I had a friend who was a semi-professional photographer. I had him take some head shots of me (in male mode of course), and I loved them, I felt they captured the real me (at that time), better than any of my graduation shots, or wedding pics or family pics – all done by pros. And ever since then, too, I have never really liked any other pictures of me. Some were adequate, most, yuch.
So, I had 5 wallet copies made of the best and within 2 weeks had given them all away to young women friends, including the pre-teen daughter of one of my professors who had crush on me. Oh well. The ones I have up here, are…well, okay I suppose, but I have about 300-400 more that I’ll be dumping soon. Getting too old.
In my several years here, practically all of you out there have shown by your posts that you have an inner beauty that this place is allowing us to express. Just let that inner beauty out more often, in how you treat others, how you view your loved ones, how you do what you can to have them all view you. Keep getting that out, and any pictures will just be reminders to all of them as they are to us, just how beautiful you actually are.
Hugs, ChloëC
Interesting topic….so many of start with a fascination of the clothes or the high heels. Then you evolve to trying them on and just the thrill of doing it is satisfying. Next comes trying to assemble the right clothes …a nice dress or skirt blouse…some jewelry and some heels as you walk around and feel wonderful. The mirror comes in play as it not just how you feel but how you want to look. You become critical of your hair, your figure, your makeup. Moving forward means you need to get better at those things…hair, makeup, the types of clothing you wear. For me that’s where I am …I feel like I have a good foundation (not literally 😜 though it helps) and want to get better….to look better in my pictures and in public. I am also finding myself experiencing one additional thing during this process. I’m becoming more comfortable in my clothes. While they might not always be perfect they start to feel right…to feel more part of me. It give me a comfort that I can’t explain…almost a “natural” feeling which I think helps with my confidence on how I wear them.
We are all on a journey, neither one is right neither one is wrong … it’s our journey. My wish is for everyone to accept themselves and be happy. It’s a struggle that we all have and life is way too short to not be happy. We cannot wait until life stops being hard to accept ourselves and appreciate who we are. I have met some wonderful people which includes the original author of this post I am very thankful for this part of me as I would’ve never met them. These people have become closer then my day-to-day friends because they know the real me and except me for who I am. I to except and love them for who they are. My life is more blessed with them in my life. Love you allThanks Carole your point is well made, the better we think we are at this the more work we have to put in. Putting that aside being comfortable with ourselves to the point where we are able to escape our homes as ladies, opens up a new world of experiences. Meeting others has been life changing for me and I’m glad my self doubt hasn’t kept me from doing just that. Thanks again.
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