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    • #585315
      Terri Anne Greene
      Lady
      Registered On: November 29, 2021
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      Never easy so best of luck.

      I had my best GF tell me more women are more upset of what other women will think of them if her husband is a CD.

      I never had that problem because when I came out to my Ex she wasn’t surprised.

      She had questions sure but took it well.

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    • #584575
      Charlene Victoria
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      Registered On: November 29, 2016
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      According to the site data this is post #34 for this topic. What more can I add that is new? Nothing.

      You are in a very difficult situation. That you are aware of. Did you ask her what brought on this sudden declaration? Did you ask her if the situation that you related here when she was with her friends and their reaction to the crossdresser was a trigger? Did you ask her if she if she feared being embarrassed publicly or privately before her friends by your CDing? (Again my query comes from information you related earlier)

      Sudden ultimatums are often emotionally driven. And those emotions trigger physiological responses that are well nigh impossible to overcome. As one of the respondents previously posted, give it some time to settle down and get past the resistance created by her emotions.

      Conversation is the key. Though a conversation on this subject may be / will be difficult for either or both of you it must be had to bring resolution. These conversation are best started with a question prefaced with, “Please help me understand.” And form the question [whatever it be] about her and her feelings and thoughts. Don’t make it about you at this point. [That can come later as you gently break down barriers]

      Ha, “what more can I add?” I asked at the beginning of my reply.

      Nothing. I Self answered.

      And then I give you something. Forgive me, that’s me, the woman I am, replying to a sister who is hurting; for whom I hurt too and want to be helpful. And in this way, though I can’t dress as a woman at home, I express my womanhood inoffensively before my wife and semi-satisfactorily for my self for the time being. There are subtle ways to be yourself until the situation changes. They may not / probably will not be all that you need but as I have learned they help manage the need until . . . whenever.

      Here’s hoping for satisfactory resolution for both of you.

      Hugs,

      Charlene

      • #585310
        BigBangtheory
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        Registered On: January 14, 2020
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        What a lovely and helpful response!

    • #584545
      Sandy Honey
      Registered On: February 24, 2021
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      Sorry this has happened to you. Getting a ultimatum never works out well for anybody. How would your SO feel is you gave her one on wearing pants, that she must always wear a dress or skirt. She would tell you not going to happen. I’m afraid that crossdressing will always be looked at as a stigma and most SO’s will never take the time to understand our desire for women’s fashions. I wish you well but she has put you on a tough road to travel.

      Sandy

    • #584182
      rebekka moore
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      Registered On: January 7, 2017
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      So sorry this sort of decision is being forced on you.

      I received a bday card from my wife recently that in summary talked about what a great guy/husband I am, how she loves being next/with me. No she doesn’t. Not if I’m wearing anything or grooming, which I do daily.

      We have not had sex in over 2 years, cause she doesn’t like the way I look, smell (lotions), etc., so it’s all really confusing.

      Do what is right for you!!! Don’t let anyone decide how YOUR life should be and how you should live it, let alone what you should wear.

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    • #583538
      Trisha Smith
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      Registered On: August 24, 2020
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      Sorry to hear this. I hate to see situations like this. I for one never respond well to those. I wish you the best.

       

      💕

      Trisha

    • #583508
      Sonia 1968
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      Registered On: November 14, 2021
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      I think the path to the acceptance is the only way for everybody to find ourselves and connect witb the others.

      If there is not we cannot carry on as a fully person or couple.

      An of course through the journey we can find any necessary compromise.

      Good Luck Mary Anne!!!!

       

      Kisses

       

      Sonia

       

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    • #583452
      Laura Lovett
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      Registered On: March 26, 2020
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      I hope it isn’t as strong as that, for both your sakes, and I am truly sorry to hear that you’re in this position.

      Marriage is a partnership – it’s about compromise, not ultimatums. In most ceremonies, “obey” is for the wife to do to her husband. Strange but true – I have been to hundreds of weddings, as a chorister.

      Cross dressing is not against the law or grounds for divorce in most places, so it’s unacceptable to be told not to do it – and careful context should be given to Deuteronomy 22:5, the only place in the Bible that it is referred to.

      There is no way I would take any kind of ultimatum from anyone unless I deserved it. My wife started down that lone shortly after I came out, and I laughed. After all, she told the priest to remove the “obey” line from our ceremony.

      Wiggle room is needed to make it work – it’s a 2 way street. How about limiting the dressing so it’s away from her – and you get a weekend away, once a month?

      Unless there are other issues?

      Love Laura

      • #585010
        Bobbi
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        Registered On: September 13, 2018
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        Laura, if a spouse is so unhappy being married to a cross dresser that they lay down and ultimatum, no amount of arguing will change their mind. You either compromise your principles to keep the peace, or  be yourself in which case, the spouse will probably leave. It matters not that cross dressing is not illegal,  nor grounds for divorce.  Anybody can get a divorce at any time, by simply saying “we are not compatible anymore“.

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    • #583440
      Wendy Swift
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      Registered On: May 11, 2020
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      mary ann, hoping for the best possible outcome.  Regardless of what transpires, I hope you can still remain on CDH.

       

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    • #583310
      Carole Corbett
      Ambassador
      Registered On: September 5, 2016
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      So sorry Mary Ann…there is something triggering it – have you tried counseling ?

       

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      • #583313
        Mary Ann Summers
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        Registered On: April 29, 2020
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        I tried counseling many years ago… only to find out I am who I am. She tried counseling after I told her… she REALLY didn’t like what the counselor had to say….

        • #583453
          Anonymous
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          It not what she really likes pretty sure if she really cares ought to be able to comprise some. Just to help both parties. No professional here.

          Dpnna

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        • #583410
          Cerys Burton
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          Registered On: February 2, 2021
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          Counselling, as a rule, isn’t the answer. Finding the right counsellor is though.
          My wife was seeing a counsellor. She (the counsellor) saw my crossdressing as something I liked to do, like it was playing snooker, or owning a classic car… A hobby/pasttime. She didn’t see it as something I NEEDED to do. My wife wasn’t just seeing her to help with my crossdressing there were other issues too. This counsellor was useless. She was doing my wife more harm than good.
          These days, she sees a new counsellor. In the four or five visits she has paid him, the difference is amazing. She is not only more confident in herself, she has started to dress smarter rather than “comfortable”. Our relationship has improved massively. Not just in relation to my crossdressing, but generally. We are more content and closer than we have been for a long time.
          This is the power of the RIGHT counsellor.

          Cerys.

          • #583529
            Mary Ann Summers
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            Her counselor told her that since I have been crossdressing off and on for over 40 years, that it is something I will always do and to accept it or not. Period. She didn’t like that at all..

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          • #583646
            Cerys Burton
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            Registered On: February 2, 2021
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            If your SO knows that you have been crossdressing on and off for all that time, she already knows it’s something that you will always do, and can’t stop.
            My wife went from not being keen, to acceptance, to be “ok” with it, to total acceptance, to absolutely hating it, back to being OK some years later, then to acceptance, and now I’m dressed 80% of the time.
            We’ve been together since we were teenagers.
            I don’t have any answers, but just toe the line for a bit. Go back into the closet, but be careful. Only under dress and don’t go out. Leave off the clear nail polish. Gauge your SO’s mood, and gently, and tiny bit by tiny bit, broach the subject. No demands. Tiny steps.
            If you love her, it’s not not worth ruing the relationship over. She will move a little if she feels the same way.

            Be careful and things might just be fine. I hope so.

            Cerys.

    • #583109
      Leah
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      Registered On: June 13, 2018
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      Mary Ann,

      Sorry to here your wife cannot accept all of who you are. Even with her lack of participation and support.  She has not even seen you dressed.  I don’t understand  what is tipping her over so much.  I made sure my second wife was good with my dressing as I would not tolerate having to hide it or or have it thrown in my face. I was ready and willing to walk away if it woudl have been a deal breaker for her.

      If she said one day she could not handle it, We all know we cannot stop, maybe for a limited time…but the desire will always be there. If you tell her you will stop, you are kidding yourself and will only be a matter of time before she catches you, then all hell breaks loose.

      So you have to decide what is important to you…not her!

      Leah

      • #583525
        Clarissa Cross
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        Registered On: July 17, 2021
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        You are soooo right Leah

        I haven’t had troubles because I told my SO about my dressing right away, she accepted it and is very helpfull and very often we go shopping together. Best of all we share the same taste of clothing and she is even more fond of shape wear than me.

        If she had not accepted my dressing that would have ended the relationship right there.

        • #583546
          Leah
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          Totally agree Clarissa. No different if my wife ever said she could no longer put up with it.. Timer for her to start packing, as that is a deal breaker totally!

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      • #583307
        Mary Ann Summers
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        Registered On: April 29, 2020
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        You are right, I know I cannot stop… and remain mentally healthy… I think it boils down to her… she is afraid she might get embarrassed if someone she knows were to see me wearing a women’s watch or find out the jeans I’m wearing were ladies. Her embarrassment would be to much for her, she is really all about the “image”…

        I have a lot to think about and decide….

        • #583518
          Leah
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          at least you are being honest with yourself..knowing you cannot stop dressing.  Has she known of your dressing from the beginning?  She is making this more about her.  This affects both of you.  Bottom line does she or does she not accept and love ALL of you!  I think we already know that answer.

          I know if I was in your shoes, what I would do…continue dressing!

    • #583102
      Natalie Jones
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      Registered On: September 20, 2020
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      Mary Ann,

      it’s disturbing to hear  this for you having been through it myself twice.
      how are you going to handle this? I tried to stop but we all know how that works. If you’d like to talk feel free to private message me anytime. I wish you the best sweetie and know we’re all here for you

      💋Natalie

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    • #583083
      Katie Plowright
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      Registered On: October 15, 2021
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      So sorry to heart this Mary Ann, I’ve had this twice now about stopping. Both times I complied reluctantly but……..my SO had a huge change of mind and I can now dress whenever I like with only two very small caveats. Let’s hope and pray she will see you for who you are and have a little more empathy. Good luck.

    • #583061
      Raquel Smith
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      Registered On: August 26, 2021
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      😥😥

      I’ll be thinking about you.

       

      Much love,

      Raquel

       

       

    • #583032
      Connie Twirl
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      Registered On: August 18, 2021
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      Is there any way she’ll negotiate a compromise? A specified frequency or dressing in private? Even once a month is better than nothing at all.

      Hope it works out better for you than it did for me.

      Connie

      xxx

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    • #583029
      Anonymous
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      Mary Ann.

      This is possibly the biggest dread for most of our married or partnered members, no matter how supportive wives or girlfriends have been …it does seem to go downhill quickly when it happens….I hope you can work something out, and you will definitely not be alone in this….others will or have faced this too.

      Personally, I’m so glad it will never happen to me…I can honesty say, I could not give grace up….

      Best wishes to you honey,

      Grace xx

    • #583027
      Mandy Wife
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      Registered On: September 12, 2019
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      Has something happened, even non dressing related that is causing your SO to struggle at the moment?

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      • #583309
        Mary Ann Summers
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        Registered On: April 29, 2020
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        I’ve gone through the recent past in my mind… I’ve done nothing that I can remember… I haven’t even dressed in quite a while… I’ve been too busy…

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        • #583408
          Mandy Wife
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          Registered On: September 12, 2019
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          Ok, I’m going to guess she has something else not related to you / your dressing that is upsetting / worrying her / stressing her out and you are perhaps not aware of it.

          I know at times of high stress myself, or if I’m unwell then I struggled to deal with Penny when she was more hidden away, I just couldn’t face it or deal with it as it was something else to add to the pile of things I was already dealing with that day and it was just too much.

          Now Penny is more open at home (and out and about occasionally) I find it easier to deal with as it’s just how it is and not an added pressure most of the time.

          I would take it as a sign of her trying to reach out to you that something is bothering her (not cd related) and she’s trying to get your attention in a way that she knows you will definitely respond to.

          Set some time aside to sit and talk and listen fully and ask her what’s going on and what’s upsetting her is the only advice I can give.

          I honestly don’t think it’s about your dressing, but it’s a cry for help.

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          • #583530
            Mary Ann Summers
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            Registered On: April 29, 2020
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            Still thinking of what might have happened… she did go out with friends recently and told me of a conversation that a friend saw a crossdresser walking around in her neighborhood and the whole group got a good laugh out of it… she asked if it was me and I told her emphatically NO. That may have been the trigger… and she REALLY does not want to look bad in front of her friends by being married to a crossdresser….

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          • #584574
            Carolyne Sherman
            Duchess
            Registered On: February 20, 2018
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            Mary Ann this may be the catalyst for her change??  Not any kind of professional therapist here but definitely a hard headed old gal and my 2 cents worth. My beloved wifey is always worried about what others will think if they know and now she knows what her “friends” will think and it ain’t pretty as the old saying goes. Instead of having the strength to stand up for a stranger and say to each their own as long as they are not hurting others she obviously piled on the bandwagon and made fun as well??  If she can’t defend someone else with no vested interests and no outcome to her at all she certainly is not in a position strong enough to stand up for you and knows her friendship with those other “ladies” means enough to her to throw others (and you) under that bandwagon. Be careful as this may indicate she has chosen a side and you are NOT IT. Hang in!!

            🍷C

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          • #583897
            Mandy Wife
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            Registered On: September 12, 2019
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            Hmm, that may have something to do with it (but there may be more).

            It’s an awkward position to be in tbh.

            On the one hand, she’s with her friends who she probably shares a lot of things with and is close to, but then they are laughing at the expense of the dresser (and I’m not saying I condone that in any way and none of us know what was said) and she would have been concerned were laughing at you (unbeknownst to them) which she would not have wanted. And she went along with it which would have made her feel uncomfortable I’m sure, but at the same time she couldn’t say anything without prompting questioning from them which she would not have been able to explain (catch-22?)

            I can see how that would trigger a spiral and set her mind working overdrive (it would to me) and possibly to her the only way to make sure she doesn’t feel like that again is to make sure it isn’t something she had to worry about, and by that she’s issued the ultimatum? Bit like a knee-jerk self preservation reaction.

            Not having someone to talk to about our concerns or any awkward situations we find ourselves in is one of the hardest things a wife can face sometimes and that’s where talking and listening to each other is vital and does help if there is no other outside person to speak to.

            I’m obviously not a counsellor or trained in any way to offer support, but I try to give you a little I sight into how she may have felt – I may be way off base but hopefully I’ve been of help.

            Xx

          • #584764
            Alison Anderson
            Duchess
            Registered On: October 15, 2018
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            I get it’s hard to stand up against the crowd.  But it’s something we all must learn to do.  Not just relating to crossdressers.

            This is essentially a form of bullying, even if done behind someone’s back.  The world is a very diverse place, and it’s diversity that makes the world interesting.

            We don’t have to be someone who fill-in-the-blank or know someone who fill-in-the-blank to know it’s wrong to make fun of someone who fill-in-the-blank. Silence or agreeing (by laughter, even if faked) is detrimental. But someone has to be brave enough to stand up against others.  Who knows, maybe others were laughing because they were too afraid to speak up, but would say something if someone else did first.

            This is how stereotyping and persecution get started.  At first it’s just fun, but if that attitude spreads it can become dangerous to the other party.

            I’m not putting any blame on anyone here.  I’m just trying to prepare you mentally so that one day you may have the courage to speak out about an injustice against someone who looks or acts different from the norm.  That doesn’t mean someone who is suspicious, but just someone who is different but otherwise going about their business.

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        • #583324
          Brielle Ross
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          Registered On: August 14, 2021
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          Hi Mary Ann, don’t torture yourself about what you did or didn’t do. It could have been a “trigger” that was somewhat unrelated, but caused her to flare up. My wife has had such episodes – a smell, or seeing my man’s wedding band on the table, a tv show or article.

          Just give her some time and space, but let her know you are open to talking about it. It may just be sheer terror that she is losing you. Something my wife has said, especially since I admitted that I need to pursue HRT and not just crossdress occasionally.

          I pray you can work it out. Remind her why she married you and that Mary Ann has always been there in the background as an integral part of who you are, and her presence isn’t a threat. Unfortunately, many counselors are perhaps more sensitive to the CD or TG partner and leave the spouse feeling like they aren’t being heard (my wife experienced that). Is her therapist experienced with CD or TG relationships? Perhaps you could meet together, even for a few sessions, so the therapist can see the dynamic?

          We’re all here for you, Mary Ann – for BOTH you and your spouse!

          Hugs,

          Brielle

    • #583001
      Requal Joanne
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      Registered On: December 15, 2020
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      I am sorry to read of your demise Mary Ann.  As some sought of support, I truly hope that you can continue to visit this address and keep in touch with the friends you have made.  I also hope that one day a compromise will be achieved.

    • #582994
      Barb Wire
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: September 16, 2021
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      I’m so sorry, Mary Ann.

      After reading your post today I’ve been asking myself what I’d do if my SO gave me an ultimatum. Honestly, for me, I’d have to tell her I can’t stop being who I am.

      I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can take the feminine clothes away from Barb, but you can’t take Barb away from me. (Okay, maybe a bit corny, but it’s the truth). I think my SO understands this and has never asked me to stop any of it. I guess since it’s so important to me she’s willing to accept and even embrace it in some ways. I think she really does like Barb because Barb is really me. I’ve been this way all my life and told her from Day 1.

      All the best,

      🤗 Barb

    • #582988
      Liara Wolfe
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      Registered On: August 14, 2021
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      So sorry Mary Ann. I really don’t know what to say other than we are hear for you.

      Hugs, Liara

    • #582977
      Kristen Smithly
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      Registered On: September 25, 2020
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      Mary Ann,
      I am so sorry to hear this. I have been in a similar situation and I know it is tough. Hopefully a comprise somehow can be worked out.
      I hope things work out for you.
      Hugs, Kristen

    • #582970
      Amy Myers
      Baroness
      Registered On: February 11, 2019
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      Sounds pretty serious Mary Ann. As others have said perhaps you can find some middle ground, a compromise to allow you a bit of time to be your femme self.

      Amy

    • #582964
      Diana W
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      I’m sorry it has come to this.  I hope you can both reach some kind of compromise.

    • #582943
      Sophie Lynne
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      Im so sorry

    • #582940
      Sylvia
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      Registered On: October 10, 2021
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      Dear Mary Ann ,

      So sorry to hear that.
      I wish you can work things out with your SO.
      Hope you are staying on CDH.

      Love Sylvia.

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    • #582917
      Clara Cross
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      Registered On: December 7, 2020
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      My dear Mary Ann, very sorry to hear that. No advice, just know that like minded souls are always here for you. We’ll be thinking of you and holding out hope for a good outcome.

      Your friend,

      Miss Clara Cross

    • #582870
      Anonymous
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      wishing the best of luck here know going to be tough situation to face.  Maybe if possible could meet in middle ground somewhere.

      Hugs
      Donna

    • #582868
      Aurora Borealis
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 25, 2021
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      Im sorry that you have to endure this abuse. I have had similiar experience but not from an SO. Ihave a male friend with whomIve enjoyed a long and stable friendship. And with hisfamily.But they also pressuredme to quit dressing In womens garb and flat out rejected me. And it did hurt.

      Onlynow were starting to get back on those goodterms which is great. Im sure they still disapprove,even after I purged and went to counseling. But I didnt quit dressing in private. Ive elected to go into therapy to understand exactly what the origin of my need to be sometimesfemale.What the outcome will eventually be I dont know yet.

      You cant change someone else. The solution is to work on yourself and pray that the other party will respect you as a fellow imperfect human being and give you enough space to be tourself and be the person God wants you to be. Huggies. Aurora B.

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    • #582865
      Bobbi
      Lady
      Registered On: September 13, 2018
      Topics: 37
      Replies: 1807
      Has thanked: 2194 times
      Been thanked: 5423 times

      Good luck to you. This is NOT gonna be easy for you.
      “Keep the peace” or “be yourself”. I don’t envy you. I’m so sorry it’s come to this.

      10 users thanked author for this post.
    • #582861
      Abbie Normal
      Duchess
      Registered On: June 13, 2021
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 661
      Has thanked: 1347 times
      Been thanked: 2756 times

      Sorry to hear about your situation Mary Ann. I can’t begin to guess what’s right for your situation. I do know from experience that burying it can cause you harm though. My only advice is to be careful of the deals you make. Hugs

      — Abbie 🥰

    • #582860
      Lara Tucker
      Lady
      Registered On: September 29, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 314
      Has thanked: 7629 times
      Been thanked: 1399 times

      So sorry to hear that Mary Ann. Especially when you are being that discrete.
      I hope you can find a way to work it out.

      ❤️ Lara

      8 users thanked author for this post.
    • #582853
      Dream
      Duchess
      Registered On: December 31, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 42
      Has thanked: 216 times
      Been thanked: 267 times

      Sorry to hear that. Some times when you walk thru that next door a beautiful world shine new light on you. My first wife has always said she let the best thing she ever had slip thru her hands.

    • #582852
      Michelle McQueen
      Lady
      Registered On: June 14, 2021
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 834
      Has thanked: 4633 times
      Been thanked: 4391 times

      So sorry… at the crossroad about crossdressing…. a very difficult decision… I understand.

      I have no idea of the details of your situation, but many years ago I was at that crossroad and made a deal with the devil and went deep into the closet… I know its wasn’t honest of me but I convinced the wife and counselor I had quit my perverted habit of crossdressing… miracle, miracle, I was cured… and they bought it…. her, for 30 plus years and we had a good life. I was very discrete and good at hiding… until the pink hurricane overcame me and I came out to her over six years ago… good news is, we are still together and it works for us in a DADT relationship.

      This is one of the most difficult and life changing decisions you will ever make… hoping the best for you and your SO.

    • #582848
      Carla Roberts
      Duchess
      Registered On: July 28, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 35
      Has thanked: 91 times
      Been thanked: 192 times

      Sorry to hear Mary Ann. If I understand correctly, I think it’s something many of us have faced.
      Hugs
      Carla

    • #582851
      Mary Ann Summers
      Lady
      Registered On: April 29, 2020
      Topics: 21
      Replies: 128
      Has thanked: 493 times
      Been thanked: 1038 times

      No timeline… Just that she cannot handle it anymore.

      On a side note… she has NEVER seen me fully dressed or in a dress for that matter, just very discrete things like women’s jeans, lite lip gloss, clear or nude polish on my nails..

      Don’t know where this came from….

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