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I sit here while the wife is at work wondering if I ruined our marriage deep down. It’s been a few weeks since we first spoke about what I really needed in life and she has been incredibly supportive. She’s not your typical girly girl and frankly I will probably have more masculine tendencies than female. But there has always been this inside of me that feels like I should have always been a woman. Now that the cat is out of the bag and the woman I love more than anything has been right there with me. Giving me advice on how to build my new wardrobe and lifestyle.
I worry though that she will eventually try to distance herself from me. I ask her daily how she’s doing with this and me and she’s had nothing but positive thoughts and things to say.
We were talking about sex the other day and she asked me if I was going to be interested in men and I told her that I couldn’t even think of being with a male sexually and her response was “if it came down to it I don’t think I could sleep with another woman again.” when I asked her what about me and when I finally transition she told me that I had nothing to worry about she was with me till the end.
I love her to death and if it means losing her to finally become who I feel like I need to be. I will choose her any day of the week.
I know I am probably worried about nothing. Her happiness will always be my number one concern. I just don’t want her to ever be unhappy.
I hate giving “advice” but the words GO SLOW come to mind based on reading many many others in this position, that had both good and bad experiences.
It does seem that you have a wife that loves you, and it sounds like your communication is good.
Both are KEY factors in any marriage. Open communication, respect, honesty and not having fear of rejection should all be met with respecting your SO’s boundaries and concerns, and admitting to yourself and her if deep down you feel you can not meet those boundaries.
But again, going slow and being honest seem like a really good start forward for you.
I wish you all the very best!
Nothing in life is absolute even if crossdressing and transtitioning were not on the radar. The key to marriage is truthful communication. If either of you is telling the other person what they want to hear about any topic then the marriage is fraught with problems, deceit and potential contempt. The underlying question is how much do you believe what she is telling you and she believe what you are telling her? From the years of being together how much trust and honesty has been shared to give both of you a true sense of the solid foundation from which your marriage is based? Has she shown any signs of distancing herself? Sounds like she’s actually moving closer to you and engaging you/Andrea more. Usually the first sign of a persons interest in CD or transitioning would send most significant others running yet she is still there and engaged.
Funny thing is that you stated that she said “…I don’t think I could sleep with another woman again”. So she has been with a women but it did not work out? Why? Was there no connection? No bond? No history that you and she have? I know when I first met my now wife I wanted to maintain a friendship first before dating in order to build a good bond and foundation. We were friends for first 6 months before we dated for 5 years. She later told me that while we were friends she did not see us as being romantically interested in each other but that it was a great time because we built a friendship of trust and interests first. 23 years later she is my best friend even with her knowing about my feminine pursuits.
Good luck
Hi Andrea I really enjoyed reading this story. It was very heart felt. I hope for you it will never come down to a choice. You are not just another woman. You are a person that has a special part of you that identifies with the female gender. We were not given the body that has the ability to reproduce another human being. That is a very special part of being born a female we will never even come close to understanding. How could we? . All woman want to express how they feel. Some go to great lengths with spending valuable time and money just to feel more attractive than they already are to us. Make sure you take the time to let your SO know how much she is loved and how much you are still attracted to her . What gets confusing for a lot of our SO.s is our desire to express our self in the female gender without wanting to get the attention of a man. We just want to feel pretty and cute some times. They should understand that part of us. Why we want it? That is still a mystery. I am sure there is a reason somewhere. Stay true to your self. Denying who you are will never work. Luv Stephanie
Since posting this we have decided to see a counselor at my request. I want to make certain that our marriage stays strong while we go through this together. Tomorrow we are having a girls day and next week when the stores open back up she wants to go shopping with me fully dressed. She wants to help me be more comfortable with going out as my true self and not be worried.
It scares me but facing this fear will help me to gain my freedom. No sense in wearing something cute and hiding it at home right?
Hi Andrea!
I think these two sentences say it all –
“I love her to death and if it means losing her to finally become who I feel like I need to be. I will choose her any day of the week.
I know I am probably worried about nothing. Her happiness will always be my number one concern. I just don’t want her to ever be unhappy.”
just keep talking to her. The marriage counselor is a great idea. Not that she is accepting this and helping you, just be sure to keep asking what she needs too. You got this.
Hugs
Autumn
You have some very good guidance from others here. And it is obvious from you statements and follow up that you care. We do not ever know how things will end and that is the fun and fear of life. I never want to lose my wife. but as I say that I need to think about what it is that I do not want to lose. She is my best friend. I think she will always be that because of how much life we have shared together. I am married 27 years, together 30. she knew of my lingerie fetish when we got together almost from day 1. I hid so much of my feeling through the years, much of it because it scared me. I do not know where I am headed or where I will end up. We almost divorced because of many different issues that come together in the “perfect storm” of life’s experiences. (nobody told me how much life can hurt when you really care) we both may have lost a little focus on why we got together in the first place. We all difine Love, romance, intimacy, friendship, etc. differently. what is important to me is that my wife and I share these definitions. I love my wife so much that if she needs to go her separate way I will help her anyway I can. and she loves me enough to look beyond any clothing I wear to see me. I am the same person in my core. I am becoming less ashamed of showing femininity in my personality. That includes cloths, emotions, and approach to life. I am somewhere on the spectrum of gender and I try to accept my feelings of the moment. lately a little more boy but that is ok. Thank you Andrea for the opportunity to share my thoughts.
My Mom always told me to not look for problem where there are none. Sounds like she is supportive and that is a true blessing,
Carla
Hi Andrea,
Your post echos what is going on with me and my spouse. She has been very supportive, but I’m not sure where the line is for her. Like you, I keep checking in with her as to her feelings on the subject and she says she is fine with it and to quit asking. She has also said that she isn’t lesbian, and I get that.
Tomorrow will be my first session with a transgender therapist. I’m excited and scared at the same time. Like you, I love my wife with all of my heart and do not want to lose her. I just don’t know where this journey is going, however she bought me a beautiful Art Deco style ring for my birthday.
Let us know how its going from time to time.
Heather
Yup-Some women are incredible –My wife (who is deceased now) was incredibly supportive/helpful & even happy to incorporate my Fem side into our sexlife– She made a game of it– Of course you will have to resist being Too self centered & make sure she does’nt feel left out or ignored — give her the love & esp attention she deserves–
Andrea,
It seems like your wife is willing to accept your femme side with some reservations. For that you should cherish her. My wife was willing to accept my cding but the addition of my drinking drove her away. She came from a family of alcohol and drug abuse and lost two close family members to it. So, she decided to leave. I am sad to lose her and still love her but our lives together are over. So please love your wife and appreciate what you have. A happy family is fragile.
Kerri
Andrea:
This question comes up on TGH also. Given how difficult it is to get research funding for transgender issues, it is probably next to impossible to be able to study crossdressing issues.
That said, it think it is an extremely difficult thing to predict. In some cases, the acceptance is clear and long lasting. In other cases the rejection is clear and long lasting. In still other cases, what starts out as acceptance eventually turns into rejection and vice-versa. I’ve never seen a consistent way of predicting what is going to happen.
You pays your money and you takes your choice…
So many great bits of wisdom in this thread. Here’s my thoughts…you are doing one thing that is very important in making sure you two communicate. It shows her feelings are important by you asking her how she is doing. She clearly loves you reflected by the support she has given to you. If you want to be together then she must be a priority …. If she feels good then she will make you a priority !
My therapist helped me on your one issue…do not worry about the future…just focus on the current making it the best possible. My wife and I practice that though once in a while we need to reel ourselves in. The future is not guaranteed and many things can happen that can derail what you think would happen…health being a big one. So just enjoy and relish in what you have today … many couples don’t have it so you should be proud and happy for where you are. Worry = Wasted energy!
hugs
carole
Clearly, she gave you her real, solid commitment. Take her at her word, but do not take her for granted. Do whatever you can do to bring joy into her life.
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