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  • #398703
    Carica
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    Registered On: September 5, 2019
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    Some might say, There was no ’cause’. Well, there was a ’cause’ in my early development.

    At age 5 I noticed my sisters were more happy than myself. Afterwards, I tried on my sisters clothes. Soon, my dad got wind of it, and got with the family doctor to snip it at the bud.

    They devised a plan to Scare it out of me. Fear is not a very good motivator. It re-enforced my desire for things female to this day. (That was in 1961, btw).

    They used what I consider evil. As a Christian we are not to fear evil. So, the psychology goes like this: “So you’re not afraid…..? Prove it, and dress as a girl.” Hence, perhaps the desire to crossdress would have been something I would have lost interest, had my dad let it go.

    Fear motivation worked for the Great Generation, but not the baby boomer generation.

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    • #400918
      ChloeC
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      • ok here comes an interesting addition to my crossdressing/transsexual life. My first complete memories are of about age 5 and asking my mother (probably)to let me wear a dress. She made me one out of kraft paper and for the afternoon I lived in it and played even outside wearing it ( over my normal clothes) until it tore and was unusable. So far, very ‘normal’ or standard beginnings for a cd. To be that specific and wanting all that, I’m sure my desires started earlier possibly a lot earlier. It led to sneaking things from my mothers drawers to eventually buying my own things , purging etc etc.So 2 things that were around that childhood time. 1 I was the 2nd child ,the first was a boy, an All Boy ( was and is he ever) and our mother had sort of hoped for a girl 2nd. My desires in a way met that.  Did she impose her emotions on me? 2. My father died in a horrific accident the year before leaving our mother grief stricken. Did I respond to her emotional loss by trying to fill a part she had wanted? Psychs would have a field day with me laying on all their educated notions…which  have changed over the years. So which diagnosis (or really theory) is the end all and be all…this year. like the Blanchard crap. or gender dysphoria. Like me wanting to wear womens clothes is a labeled illness but girls wearing boys clothes  jeans plaid shirts work boots is a very normal and encouraged desire. Please!!!!  I’m transgendered and I firmly believe I’ve been that since birth and probably from 2 or so weeks in utero. If I had had the guts, the money, and the willing to throw most of my first 20 years away AND had there been any kind of support groups in the 60s to  even one finger, I would have Very seriously considered SRS and most likely done it …and thrown away 3 beautiful successful loving and caring adult children , 4 darling grandchildren and my effects on tens if not hundreds of lives…for what?My selfish whims? Or being the person I should have been all along? Tough choices and no easy answers …ever. I am what I am.  Accepting living as a cd and meeting my needs as best I can is, for now, enough. Am I happy? Yes in many many ways. Would I have been happier if things had been different? I’ll never know so all I can do is not let some alternate unknown future affect what I have about me today and for the next however tomorrow’s I might still have.
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    • #399544
      DeeAnn Hopings
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      DeeAnn, I asked about 3 phycologists if they try to help crossdressers to stop crossdressing. None of them do.

      I will not go to a phycologist that encourages crossdressing. You know yourself, we really do not need any encouragement. It’s the first habit I’ve ever had. My only hope to be free of this habit is God…and that will take hands lad on me; with hrs. of prayer. Almost no people of faith do that anymore.

      Before I respond, I will preface what what I am going to say by touching a bit on my history.

      I grew up in the Presbyterian Church. I have held church offices in 2 of the cities where I have lived. While I have been unchurched for a number of years, my beliefs have not changed. What it does reflect is available time and exploring involvement in other volunteer organizations.

      What I have said regarding the transgender community is based on personal experience, meeting a number of trans people over the last 6 or 7 years, attending some medical seminars, being on forums, doing some therapy sessions and personal reading. In addition, before I retired I was involved with our LGBT employee affinity group for 12 years. After I relocated to the desert I was a board member and treasurer for our local trans organization and a member of the steering committee for our local Human Rights Campaign group. I resigned both positions after about 2 1/2 years after deciding to do some other things. Those 2 positions were replaced with 4 others!?!?

      I realize that this may be counter to your thinking, but the truth of the matter is that being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and any of the rest of the alphabet, is why people live and function as they do because it is not a choice. It is simply how we are.

      A few years back I showed someone brain scan images of trans people compared to cis people. They may even have been the same ones that we have been discussing here. What I said was it isn’t 100% yet, but there are indications that being trans may have biological origins. He said “No, it’s a choice” and walked off. So, to his mind, we are supposed to twist ourselves into pretzels and live in continued misery just to fit someone’s notion of how we should be? I seriously doubt that God intended for people to live in never ending pain.

      Several years ago 9 major figures involved in the “ex-gay” movement put out an open letter. Do a search for “9 Former Ex-gay Leaders Join Movement To Ban Gay Conversion Therapy”. These were people who either founded or led conversion therapy organizations. They came to the conclusion out sexuality and gender identity are innate and that they did more harm than good. Many visitors wound up leaving in much worse shape that they arrived. Simply put, conversion therapy does not work.

      Now, know that I am taking a bit of license here. I’ve read the letter previously, but as I remember, there was never any specific mention of crossdressers. However, I believe that the reason that the psychologists said that they do not try to get people to stop dressing is that they know it doesn’t work. Further, I wouldn’t put it that they were encouraging you to dress. Rather, I would say that they would encourage you to be who you really are.

      There are many stories here of people who quit dressing; for years in fact. But eventually the urge came back stronger than ever. Eventually they realized that it was part of who they are.

      I believe that all through life we are given tests. It could be something that we are to learn or do or assist someone else or model a certain behavior. I also believe that while we may choose to just give up, a burden is never placed on us that we do not have the capacity to deal with.

      Anyway, you have shared your truth and I have shared mine. I hope you find peace going forward.

      DeeAnn

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      • #399657
        stephanie plumb
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        Well said DeeAnn,

        You have saved me a lot of effort by saying more or less exactly what my reply would have been, though I might have been slightly less diplomatic. Good on you.   It’s been a very interesting and thought provoking topic.

        Stephanie P

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    • #399472
      Leslie
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      I grow up around three very strong females. My mother sewed to bring extra money in for the family, so there was always material and findings around the house (to this day it still blows my daughter’s mind what I know about sewing and fabrics). My maternal grandmother was widowed relatively young and she ran the house and took care of us all. My mother’s sister was a dream she is the one who made my play outfits (fireman, cowboy and others). Sometimes I think my cousin and I got switched, I am more like my aunt and she is like my mom.
      My father was a rather mean drunk and when I came along he wanted a daughter ( he had a son my older brother) so he is the one who insisted on giving me girl clothes. And at two to four years old I hated being forced to wear them and him too!

      But I loved going with my mom when she would shop for fabrics and for her own clothes.

      I guess that that started me on my own path for dressing when I got old enough i bought the best clothes I could at the high point I had ten suits a couple of them bespoke and around twenty three dress shirts.

      Now I have a dresser drawer of bras, pantyhose, thigh highs and a ton of panties and g-strings and thongs. And I am working on acquiring  street clothes.
      Maybe I just always liked clothes of whatever sex as long as they were pretty or maybe early on that was just Leslie’s way of trying to be heard. So if it was nature or nurture or some of both that I am the way I am doesn’t seem to matter. Like the song says I enjoy being a girl!!

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    • #399465
      Carica
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      DeeAnn, I like that you have researched this transgender thing.

      If good psychiatrists and psychologists got their heads together and would unravel the mystery of iniquity, eventually they would understand how to devise a treatment plan.

      Now, one “formula” would not work for each and everyone of us, cuz we are all individuals with different reasons how we’ve come to be boys who would be girls. Nature is not perfect. If nature was perfect no one would be LGBTQ.

      Therefore, it would have to be psychiatrists & psychologists who are Godly inspired.

    • #399422
      Janice Doe
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      As the youngest in my family, I was home while my two older siblings went to school and my mother used to dress me in my older sister’s hand me down clothes including paining my nails. She would take me to one her friend’s homes and I would play house with her friends daughter and be dressed as the wife playing house with her. Both ladies thought it was so cute and so I did that until I went to school. Once I started school, my mom stopped dressing me like a girl, but I really missed it. As I got older and my siblings went off to high school and I was in middle school, my parents would leave the house with me at home for a few hours while they attended my siblings school events. On one of those days, I walked by my parents room and felt drawn to my mom’s underwear drawer. I put on panties and stockings, a skirt, and a pair of shoes. It felt so wonderful to be in those clothes again that I wished I could dress like that always. I have dressed every chance I can since then.

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    • #399421
      DeeAnn Hopings
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      Point taken.  And I agree that it is still  early days in research term.

      Some of the data comes from neurological research into brain structure during early development.  It’s not unreasonable, though I agree not conclusive, that brain structures aligned more with ciswomen’s brains than cismen’s, (which is what we are “supposed” to have) may be a possible reason for TG’s preferring to develop feminine traits and align their gender identity as female.  There is one area – the Bstc – which is thought (agree, it’s not conclusive) to be involved in gender identity.

      Whether conclusive proof or not,  it sure is an interesting line of research, don’t you think?

      Stephanie P

      Yes, I think there are a number of research avenues to pursue if sufficient money becomes available. However, the tendency is that this is not a topic that conservatives are interested in unless they can use the information negatively.

      I’ve seen the brain scan images and, yes, there are distinct differences. It opens the question as to how these differences came about. But, more widespread studies are needed to approach being conclusive.

      Case in point is the story of a person who transitioned (M>F) a number of years ago and detransitioned in more recent years. Conservatives took that as an Ah Ha! moment, but the reality is that this is a very infrequent occurrence. Many folks who are looking to transition think the sign offs needed are an interference, but I believe that they are necessary for just this reason.

      One thing that I am wary of is having strong evidence about how gender identity occurs in opposition to ones physical reality and have someone come along and say “We can fix that.”. If there is certainty that a drug, such as DES, makes a significant influence, then that is obvious. We remove the drug from consideration. On the other hand, if there is some natural occurrence, do we actually want to go messing  with this or aborting fetuses based on the knowledge? Clearly if answers are found, there will be some moral issues right around the corner.

    • #399247
      Patty Phose
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      For as long as I can remember, I was fascinated with women’s legs in nylons. So much so that at 4, my mother gave me some of my own stockings and pantyhose. But something was missing. I needed heels. I noticed a pair and slipped them on. WOW! Loved them. Then I began a fascination with bras. Mom let me have a few of them to try. I really wanted a dress but mom told me to just wear a long shirt that looked like a dress.

      My pantyhose, heels and bra were too big and my pantyhose always had runs or holes in them. I wanted , new pantyhose, and bras and heels in my size and I really wanted my own dresses, but they were not available to me. I had fallen in love with sheer to waist pantyhose and wanted to wear them all the time, but like the other items, they were not available to me.

      I would look in magazines and see all the wonderful hosiery, lingerie, bras, panties, beautiful dresses and shoes. I wanted them all and dreamed of the day I would have everything and be wearing them all the time.

      At 13 I began buying my pantyhose. it was all sheer to waist. at 17, I shaved my legs, bought some short shorts and platform wedge heels, grew my hair longer and began going out in that outfit. It was scary but incredibly exciting.

      Then at 18, I got my own place and began buying all the wonderful clothes I dreamed of having for so long. I loved wearing them. I felt so great, pretty and sexy. I wanted to wear them out. I took a while and a lot of nerve building before I did. It was such and incredible and exciting experience when I did. Then I wanted to do it all the time. Each outing I got a little bolder and the excitement built. Then I got the opportunity to go to a college Halloween party. I went fully dressed. The walk from the car to the party was so scary and exciting. Going into the building even more so and going in an elevator with other people even more, but what a thrill.

      Going into the party, I was very nervous. What would others think of  my costume and look? I was in shiny sheer to waist pantyhose, stiletto heels, extremely short dress, nice, firm and large breasts and long wavy hair. I got lots of compliments and got hit on all night, often quite aggressively. I flirted and teased a lot. I had girl power and was using it. I had been on the other side so many times. I met other dressers who invited me to dress and party with them. I even won “best legs” and “sexiest costume”. Totally crazy and amazing and the beginning of fulfillment of so many long time dreams and fantasies.

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    • #399173
      Carica
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      DeeAnn, I asked about 3 phycologists if they try to help crossdressers to stop crossdressing. None of them do.

      I will not go to a phycologist that encourages crossdressing. You know yourself, we really do not need any encouragement. It’s the first habit I’ve ever had. My only hope to be free of this habit is God…and that will take hands lad on me; with hrs. of prayer. Almost no people of faith do that anymore.

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    • #399171
      Debbie Lynn
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      Oh that’s easy for me to recall. It was playing Barbie dolls with my two older girl cousins. I loved dressing Barbie in fun clothes and said that to my oldest cousin who then suggested I try dressing in girl clothes. So she offered me to try on one of her dresses. My other cousin joined in with words of encouragement. I remember that like it was just yesterday! My first cross dressing experience but definitely not my last! 😂

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    • #399170
      DeeAnn Hopings
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      Judging by what people have posted, it really suggests to me that there is more than one road to town. The DES drug was mentioned in another thread as a cause due to an overload of estrogen. However, we have to remember that the drug was only in use for about 31 years. If you were born outside of that window, something else was at play. Anyway, since there is precious little information how transgenderism and crossdressing come about, we shouldn’t get stuck on just one possibility.

      That said, no one has answered my question:

      If you knew what happened to influence your gender identity, what would it change?

      For me, I think I have at least part of the answer. I’ve had arthritis since I was 6 and this is not an illness that children typically get. It is still fairly unusual. Many years ago I learned that one of the reasons for onset is stress. So, what stress could a 6 year old have?

      The only thing that came up was that it might have had something to do with my parents separating. They got divorced when I was about a year old. I always had a pretty good relationship with both of them and they did their best to take care of me, but for many years I asked if they were ever going to get back together. I think my asking that reflected what I really wanted, but it just wasn’t going to happen.

      So, I think I understand what caused the onset of my arthritis, but there is nothing to be done with that information. I can’t go back in time and undo it. My mother passed away in ‘88 so I can’t get angry with her. Should I call up my dad and curse him out? Of course not. What I have is a piece of information that does have significance, but there is nothing actionable about it.

      I prefer to spend my time towards things that I can do; things that I can influence. But, try as I might, I cannot change the past…

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    • #399101
      DeeAnn Hopings
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      Well there must be a cause. There is always an explanation for everything and if we delve deep enough into the science we find the root cause.  It is something I find fascinating and am going to explore in more depth shortly.

      But briefly it’s all to do with the SRY gene on the Y chromosome we get from dad going wonky (Dohhh! I mean the gene, not dad’ going wonky), so that though it triggers us to develop male gonads,  not enough testosterone is produced to fully masculinise our  brain stem, so that some of our early wiring is more like a cis woman’s than a mans.  This is all well documented science.

      It could be that T.J’s “magical age of 5 ” is when the early wiring of our brain (which goes on well into our twenty’s  some believe) has reached a stage where some of us start to become aware of,  or experience, our female gender identity. From then on we begin the unconscious long slow process of rewiring our brain in a more feminine direction.

      Stephanie P

      The problem is that there are few significant studies on transgenderism, and even fewer for crossdressing, because no one wants to fund the research. There are some studies out there, but I’ve never seen any that were conclusive. What you will likely find is “suggestions” and “indications”. We still don’t know the mechanism for homosexuality and money for those studies is much easier to come by.

      Since I don’t know of any comparable studies for transgender people and crossdressers, I’ll mention a gay study that I remember. There have been studies that considered identical twins where one turned out straight and the other gay. So, if it is a function of body chemistry differences, how does that turn out differently between identical twins? Anyway, there are lots more questions than answers.

      You also have to consider raw numbers. There are at least 8 times as many gay people compared to those under the transgender umbrella. However, I don’t know if there is much data on crossdressers as probably very few will admit it, even in the most secure of studies.

      Given what is known about gay people and what little is known about trans people, I suspect it will be a long time before there will be some definitive answers about crossdressers…

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      • #399243
        stephanie plumb
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        Point taken.  And I agree that it is still  early days in research term.

        Some of the data comes from neurological research into brain structure during early development.  It’s not unreasonable, though I agree not conclusive, that brain structures aligned more with ciswomen’s brains than cismen’s, (which is what we are “supposed” to have) may be a possible reason for TG’s preferring to develop feminine traits and align their gender identity as female.  There is one area – the Bstc – which is thought (agree, it’s not conclusive) to be involved in gender identity.

        Whether conclusive proof or not,  it sure is an interesting line of research, don’t you think?

        Stephanie P

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    • #399087
      Natalie Moore
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      There’s a thing called infantile amnesia which means you can’t remember recall much of anything  from the ages of 0-5 yrs which probably lends  some truth behind the magical of 5 for a lot of us,

      Around age 5 or so my dad was very busy with work and wasn’t around a lot for my upbringing years, i have a older sister and my mother raised me plus I spent a lot of time being watched by grandmother too in which my grandfather wasn’t around much ether because of work. it’s safe to say I was mainly raised by women for the most part, my mother was the only one that slightly encouraged my liking for things femme, i remember she would take me in the girls section and let pick out a pair of girls bike shorts or pants ( usually spandex ) and only let me wear them around the house so I guess you could say my cding wasn’t completely encouraged but in some ways accepted.

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    • #398986
      Kimmie
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      I started dressing as a young boy. I started around the time my relationship with the girl who lived next door changed. We had “played doctor” with each other frequently. She was a couple ears older than I and lost interest before I did. Looking back, I think the dressing started for me as a way of reviving our games in my mind.

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    • #398981
      Bettylou Cox
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      I had no female influences in my younger life;  it seems to be the way my brain was wired.  Can’t recall having any friends before age 7, and most of those I had later were girls or adult women.  No interest in sports, and no common interests with other boys.   I was a voracious reader, including romance novels and comics written for young girls.  The surprising thing is that it took so long for the Pink Fog to envelop me.

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    • #398936
      Ellie Hope
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      I don’t recall any early particular events, but I have always felt my female side lying just under the surface. Growing up, I was much closer to my younger sister than my older brothers. At social events, I tended to hang around the women, feeling more comfortable with them than with the men in general. I was very shy and the older women were easier to talk with and seemed kinder. I perceived myself as weak with little chance of joining in with the males. This was all in my head of course. In my fifties and now sixties, Ellie has slowly risen, becoming irrepressible in the last three years. I recall an older post on this forum from a year or two ago where I wrote that although I was was OK being Ed, I really enjoyed Ellie more. But now I am finding Ellie blooming into the person I really want to be. I find myself increasingly unhappy as Ed. I often wonder if my very low and  further declining  testosterone levels and its changing ratio to my estrogen level is helping Ellie gain the upper hand. But whatever the cause(s), I am so happy to be and to present as Ellie; embracing her I am happier with less depression and more self confidence than I can ever remember in the past.

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    • #398933
      Deborah Sullivan
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      At an early stage I remember playing with my sisters and their friends at home and loved to listen about their views of boys and fashion. I suspect it was more of a gene or something biological with age. Have always had more feminine characteristics than male which amounted to a lot of teasing from other boys when in school. By teen years I knew I was different

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    • #398873
      Joanne Jackson
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      Adults trying to scare a child ‘straight’ seems more than a bit cruel to me.  Those were different times.

      As for my own affinity for the feminine i don’t know what caused it.  Hormonal imbalance probably.  But it has always been there as long as i can remember.  I learned to sublimate and pretend to play the traditional male role but my heart was never in it and whenever possible embraced my feminine nature.  If i could arrange it i would live full-time as female but realistically that won’t happen so i smile and pretend and dream, like always.  Damn hormones.

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    • #398837
      Debbie Werner
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      I came from a big family with a lot of strong females,the men just worked and drank,the girls ran the show [and some glammed up]

       

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    • #398823
      Robin Snow
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      I’m an only child and grew up in a two family house.  I lived in the downstairs appartment with my parents and both of mom’s sisters and mother lived in the upstairs apartment.   As a young boy I was always getting into my mother’s and my aunt’s things.  I was always curiouly fascinated about their clothing, shoes, makeup  etc.  There were also tons of women’s magazines laying around for me peruse through.  My aunts were always doing some kind of beauty treatment, facials, manicures.   They would always encourage me to try it.  Long story short, I feel it was the huge feminine influence at home which helped shape who I am.

      Robin

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    • #398765
      Roberta Denny
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      I think my affinity with all things feminine goes back a bit earlier than that.Having said that five does seem to be a signicent age.When I was five I put on my mum’s skirt and attempted to put her stockings on,with grrat difficulty I might add.I think I asked my mother to paint my toe nails around that time.Looking back I am surprised she did this.I was the youngest by far of three sons.Both my mother and father believed that boys should be boys.

      Another event that occurred at five was when I was in Infants school.I envied all the girls in my class pretty cllothes especially their ribbed tighs.I desperately wanted to join them and be one of the girls.They had no inkling of this,I kept it to mysslf.

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    • #398761
      stephanie plumb
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      Well there must be a cause. There is always an explanation for everything and if we delve deep enough into the science we find the root cause.  It is something I find fascinating and am going to explore in more depth shortly.

      But briefly it’s all to do with the SRY gene on the Y chromosome we get from dad going wonky (Dohhh! I mean the gene, not dad’ going wonky), so that though it triggers us to develop male gonads,  not enough testosterone is produced to fully masculinise our  brain stem, so that some of our early wiring is more like a cis woman’s than a mans.  This is all well documented science.

      It could be that T.J’s “magical age of 5 ” is when the early wiring of our brain (which goes on well into our twenty’s  some believe) has reached a stage where some of us start to become aware of,  or experience, our female gender identity. From then on we begin the unconscious long slow process of rewiring our brain in a more feminine direction.

      Stephanie P

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    • #398741
      DeeAnn Hopings
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      The thing is, if you did know (which I’m pretty sure that we don’t), what would it change? It’s not like we’re got going to be a crossdresser or a transgender person any more. This deal isn’t reversible. If it was, conversion therapy would work (only we know that it doesn’t)…

    • #398740
      Paula F
      Participant
      Registered On: August 7, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 655
      Has thanked: 1216 times
      Been thanked: 2329 times

      I think you are right on the money T.J.  I have read many replies lately saying that 5 yrs old was a decisively divergent point in a lot of our lives, where our unpolluted way of seeing and feeling things affected a lot of us in ways that they cannot be fully explained even today.

      I was 5 that magical day that my sister dressed me as her little sister and let me see ‘myself’ in the big mirror.  I truly believe that this one moment, when I saw that cute little girl looking back at me, that I made a really conscious decision about how I was supposed to be.  I was really never comfortable about being a boy, or really being very happy before then, but there isn’t a lot to remember then.  But as ‘Paula’, I was accepted by the kids (girls) that I wanted to be around and play with.  My sister cautioning me not to tell our mother about what we had done struck a key somewhere in me that it was somehow wrong to do what we did, and I spent a very long time after that trying to understand why it was wrong.  At about 15, I quit trying to understand and just began the journey to understand myself and the rest of the world be damned if they didn’t like it.

      That journey seems, to me at least, to never have an ending as I continue to find something new about who I am, and I hope the new things never stop coming.

      PaulaF

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398724
      Rei Durden
      Participant
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 14
      Replies: 473
      Has thanked: 2966 times
      Been thanked: 1747 times

      Since joining CDH, I’ve been slowly writing a biography delving into every possibly memory I have regarding the experience and love for wearing female clothes. Still digging……..

    • #398718
      T.J. Byron
      Participant
      Registered On: October 18, 2018
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 237
      Has thanked: 1918 times
      Been thanked: 866 times

      Seems ” 5″ is the ” magical age”…yeah just wanted to have long hair and a dress like garment on my body.

      That was in the early 1950’s…have you seen the ads for women’s undergarments??!!

      Of course I wanted to dress up in petticoats, OBGs with 6-8 garters per thigh and a beautiful pair of new nylons out of the package. Heels? Yes Please 3-4″.

      And there you have it. Hell even the Sears Roebuck catalogue was a treat. Don’t ask me about Playboy magazine….

      Later , Dr. T.J.

       

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