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I’m looking for ideas to try that have worked for other couples where the spouse disapproves and wants nothing to do with it. I did tell her pre moving in in 94 but purged then and tried to quit. We both now know it is not going away and I’m not going to purge knowing that within a year I’ll be hiding it again as i did for many many years.
We’ve been trying some things but nothing seems to work for her and we are getting to the end of the line. We are discussing, when and where, what type of clothing, all topics are open to discussion.
Any input would be appreciated. TIA.
This is a very, very delicate topic and should be treated as such. While many of us can share our past experiences about how we told our significant others, each situation is unique unto itself. I would like to suggest that you read the book:” Living with Crossdressing, Defining a new normal” by Savannah Hauk. I found it to be extremely enlightening and even though I had told my wife about my crossdressing years ago I did share excerpts from this book, and she appreciated it. Finally, I would like to say that you should NOT rush into this decision and to take it very seriously.
Nancy – wife and I reached a compromise. She hates that I dress but knows that I love it and don’t intend to quit, so she accepts. I retired three years earlier than her. During that time I dressed nearly everyday and went all over town running errands dressed en femme without incident. Once she retired we moved to Florida and she told me she didn’t want me out anymore. So our compromise is that I dress at home whenever I want but don’t go out. (truth be told when she is out of town I cheat) I also dress NOT sexy, and age/style appropriate. Occasionally she relents and lets me out in public, but in places far from where we live. It’s not perfect for me cause I would like to be en femme whenever the task allows. There are some things I like to do in man mode so not contemplating full time. She has gotten used to me en femme around the house and doesn’t blink when I do. We even do the dressing process openly in each others company, like those awkward moments when putting on the bra and inserts, and butt pads. Anyway – I don’t think there is any secret sauce. Communication is key.
Elaine
For me I was just super honest and open with her about it. There were a Lots of tears from both of us. In the beginning she was helpful but didn’t want to see me dressed. A few weeks later she fully relented and let me dress away as much as I wanted and was fine seeing me fully dressed. Then she taught me how to apply makeup and bought me makeup. She routinely buys me things I need to be Susan. The only rule is that I can’t go out in home town.
Now I can wear what I want when I want to include to bed. However, as I have said before I don’t believe in poking the bear so I don’t dress every day. I know I am very blessed so I don’t push it. In the end I love her and want her to be happy. Anyways, maybe you can compromise with your wife on how much you dress and or where you dress? Maybe she would be open to some joint shopping or and evening together as girlfriends? Truly in the end you are still the same person she met years ago now you are just in a dress on occasion.
In all sincerity I hope it all works out for you.
Susan.
We tried DADT and it drove her crazy. She fears the worst I think. Maybe a DADT with some guidelines.
I had a DADT arrangement with my GF. She didn’t want to see me and refused to discuss things. But she did acknowledge my need to be myself. So the compromise was I could do weekend trips to other cities about once a month. This worked well for a couple of years.
Eventually I realized I’m trans and needed to live authentically. We separated but remain best friends.
/EA
My relationship with my girlfriend is different because we live separately and are not considering moving in together at this point. Although we are together about five days each week, I have the advantage of time and space for a private life.
My girlfriend is more accepting than non-accepting. Our success may be due to both spoken and unspoken compromises.
The only line my girlfriend has clearly drawn is that I do not go out fully dressed. I can live easily with that restriction.
Sometimes if I mention crossdressing too much she gets a bit aggravated, so I limit the frequency, length and depth of these mentions. She likes seeing me underdressed, but has not yet desired to see me fully dressed, so I decided to fully dress only at home alone. Those are our unspoken compromises.
Best wishes with this matter, Nancy.
This is an excellent question. Prior to coming out to my wife i was at the stage where i wanted to be truthful but at the same time i didnt want to upset the Apple cart as it were. I waited for a moment where my wife was in a happy mood and caught her off guard. Her response was disbelief at first but then admitted that she had her suspicions especially as numerous garments of hers were going ‘missing’.
I found i couldnt go full-time as my lifestyle wouldnt permit it however we both reached a compromise where i dressed at weekends. Sometimes, i didnt feel like it anyway and other times i wanted more. As time rolled merrily forward, i have found that she doesnt really bother anymore and i can dress up at home whenever i wish, however, recently i have found i can take it or leave it as too much of a good thing can have a negative impact.
One thing i will add is this, everyone is different, some accept this and some dont and many will be in the middle somewhere. Above all, you know your Partner better than anyone else so you should have a rough idea of how your partner might react, this is not set in stone however because people can react completely the opposite way to how you might think. I have found a general rule is how your partner reacts to the LGBT community. Are they anti Gay or pro Gay? What do they think about the Transgender movement? for or against? If they condemn it, then they are unlikely to accept you as a crossdresser but if they are open minded then there is hope!!!
Fiona-Ann Moss xx
Wish I had answers, Nancy, but I’m still looking for my own. My wife changes like the wind. She is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. I guess she’s confused, but so am I. She didn’t sign up for this when we got married, many moons ago, but neither did I. She’s known about it since shortly after we got married & initially gave me the OK to dress around the house on occasion. We never discussed where the line should be drawn, but she’s moved that line in both directions, many times, since then.
Mostly, I wore her things & tried to stop when the boys were born, but it was always in my mind. Since they’ve been grown & moved out, I’ve rediscovered the “woman in me” &, now, have more clothes than she has & that he (my male self) has.
There are times (most of the time, now) when she doesn’t want to see me. She hates me & wishes I would just go away. She views me as “the other woman”, trying to steal her husband. Sometimes, I want to discuss “girly” things with her. If I can catch her in the right mood, she’ll participate in the discussion. But mostly, now, she wants no part of that. Doesn’t feel comfortable.
That said, she has bought me clothes, jewelry & make-up. We’ve had Girls Days Out– getting make-up applications, mani-pedis, went shopping (including trying things on), we’ve gone out to lunch & shows. As much fun as those days were, she says she doesn’t need a girlfriend & that her husband is her best friend. She’s attended CD meet-ups with me. We’ve even had relations when I was dressed in lingerie, wig, make-up & earrings. She’ll admit it’s some of the best we’ve ever had, but now, I’m not even allowed in the bed. Only him. I think she was scared that she might be enjoying it too much. Yet, our foreplay always includes her doing things to me that would be done to a woman. Like I said– confusing.
I don’t agree with Fiona-Ann concerning a correlation between attitudes towards LGBT & acceptance of husbands dressing. My wife wants to see people happy &, if they find love & happiness with others of the same sex, she’s good with that. She has co-workers who are trans. One recently got married & she was thrilled for them. But her attitude towards me is completely different.
Now, there are days that she comes home from work & finds me here instead of her husband. She doesn’t like it, but she carries on as usual (minus any kisses or hugs). She doesn’t make an issue of it. I might go out, shopping, during the day. She doesn’t like that, especially if it’s local. She doesn’t want anyone to know. She wants to “protect” me– and my “dirty little secret”. She doesn’t like me going out alone. That’s the biggest reason that she’s attended events with me.
I’m trans, but can’t see it through & that’s very frustrating. I love her so much. She is my whole world & I made vows. I intend to keep them. I couldn’t do that to her. As I’ve said, given a choice, I’d rather continue as a frustrated man than as a lonely woman. But wouldn’t it be terrible to live your whole life as a phony & not as your true self when you had the power to fully realize it?
Good suggestion from JOJO on the book, but my wife would not read it or even listen to me read from it. Others have offered to talk with her about it (she even attended one of my therapy sessions), but doesn’t want anyone telling her “how she should think”. She’s just not open to discussing it or listening to anyone.
I just want to live & be seen as any other woman. I want to have that freedom, but it’s hard to do when you’re living a double-life.
Dawn
Hi Nancy,
This is where I may have made a mistake, maybe. My told my wife about my crossdressing and it was not accepted. Mind you, when I had gotten the courage (the first time) to tell her, she and I were having a discussion in which she told me her first husband crossdressed and she was just not into it. I couldn’t believe this! What were the odds??!! At that point I went further into the closet.
I finally reached a point where I could not stop from doing what I wanted, and began to slowly “introduce” clothing. Primarily womans jeans, that’s all I wear now. I keep my body smooth all over, I have other articles of clothing and shoes, primarily wear (nice) matching mens shirts that have a more femme look to them, but I wear what I want to wear.
The outcome? Well, in the last 3 1/2 years my wife refuses any intimacy. Every now and then she’ll show signs of acceptance (she’s encouraged me at times to buy an article of clothing), but quickly reverts.
I am sure she resents that I just went ahead and did this. But I had to.
Hope this helps in some way. For me it’s more difficult as I’m older, and I wasted a lot of time and opportunities to do this. I can’t do anything about that now however.
Hugs and Kisses,
BeckaHmm…
A few of years ago, I had “The Talk” with The Mrs soon after retiring. My wardrobe broke open our bedroom door and spilled into the hallway…
I was ready to pack my bags and go, but my wife just shrugged her shoulders, smiled and asked, “You’ve bottled this up for years, eh?” Yup… LOL!!
I guess you have to ask yourself why you dress? For me, it’s an innate desire to be female. Can’t help it. Just is. If I couldn’t express myself in a feminine way, then I get very depressed. This is what I told my wife. In fact, she even seems sad I’ve bottled it up for so long.
The thing is… no matter what I wear, I’m still the same person with the same personality, work ethic and maternal instincts – I was a stay at home mom for 16 years then went back to work while my wife rose the corporate ranks.
Funny… my wife has often mentioned that corporate men aren’t the aggressive personalities they once were, like on the TV show Mad Men. She says they’re a lot like me, personality-wise – more cerebral and mature. I’ll take it! LOL!!
I guess I’m just lucky. My kids are now adults and are very successful. So, I did my child-rearing part well and my wife is grateful and really couldn’t care less what I wear, so long as it’s not slutty (although I do have my private moments and photo shoots).
I’ve also immersed myself in our LBGT community and have made many friends! They are a wonderful resource too. My wife sees how happy I’ve become since “coming out” to her and my advocacy with the trans community.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Barb
My wife disapproves and wants nothing to do with it anymore. At first after the initial shock and questions, she helped me buy clothes but stopped that a few years ago. Our relationship now is one where I can dress casual feminine at home with no problem but she draws the line at skirts, dresses, heels, and makeup. Those are too feminine for her but surprisingly a bra and forms are ok and I think its because she understands my need to satisfy my fem side this way. Everything else is ok so I keep it casual with leggings, tights, flats, women’s tees and tops that aren’t too girly with panties and a bra with or without forms. She has no problem with this style of dressing and I dress this way every day.
She also does not want me to go out in public but I do when I’m away from home. I’ve let my hair grow out (when down it reaches my nipples) and wear it down at home but in a pony out in public. Shes ok with a pony in public but thinks if I wore it down then it would be flaunting it toward other women. I don’t understand this thinking but I’m ok with it so a long high pony it is.
With her approval, yesterday I got my ears pierced and she says she likes both my hair and piercing. We talk about different earring styles and I can’t wait to wear some huggies or dangles. Sometimes we talk girly about some fashion we see or something on tv and in the past she has said she likes having a girlfriend. She also believes my feminine side makes me a kinder gentler person but she knows I can still be her man when needed. Its taken us a long time to get where we are now but it works for us. Things could be better but I’m happy with the acceptance I have now.
I don’t know if any of this would work with your wife but the key is to find a compromise and only you and she can determine where that line is.
Nancy, communication I think is so important here, with it you can find out what will work and what will not. My story is like so many others here, it.s ok at home, don’t go out, not fully dressed in front of me, but a little something is ok. So we walk a very narrow line with or SO’s to make it work but with communication that path has gotten a little wider, and for what I’m hoping for me, turns into a freeway in time.
We were watching a rerun of 3rd Rock from the Sun, and in the scene Mary is going to a all women’s meeting and Dick want’s to go, so he enters fully dressed and he looks great ( I wish I lived with a Hollywood makeup artist), and the audience laughs hysterically. My wife asks how did I feel about the scene thinking I would speak about Dicks outfit and look, when instead I said it hurts every time a CD is used for comedy, she never saw that way and began to cry and we began a long talk about what I must go through and how she was part of that issue.
All said and done, Ive almost a full sidewalk to walk on, and to end a little winded answer, it’s back to communication. I wish you both happiness.
Sherri
Nancy, as others have communication is the top 2 or 3 things you have to do with your spouse in all matters of a marriage. First off you have to talk to each other about the issues. Secondly you have to listen to each other and actually hear what they are saying and understand what they mean. My wife says she is fine with me dressing but sometimes I read her mood and wait for the next opportunity. Thirdly no secrets or left out information. Lies and hiding makes it look like there is wrong doing. If you feel you need to hide something from her that’s probably a topic that needs to be talked about. Setting boundaries and respecting them also is key. If you and her talk and agree don’t break those limits. This is 2 adults sharing their lives. Not a parent and a kid. Even topics that rock the boat are better discussed than left alone. And with all matters talk about the why. Why this is important to you. How it makes you feel. Why she doesn’t want you to do things and how she feels. With women their are lots of emotions and insecurities that our male brains don’t take into consideration.
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