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As someone fortunate enough to have an accepting SO, I have often wondered what it would be like if the situation were reversed? Assuming that as a male, you never felt inclined to crossdress, but your wife had a strong desire to occasionally present herself as a man.
Let’s say she wanted to have a beard, a hairy chest and legs and a men’s haircut and wear very masculine clothes (whatever the hell those are!). I realize that women can wear men’s clothes without turning a head, but I’m talking about a more extreme transformation. More like a drag king and not just wearing pants and a button down shirt.
Let’s also assume that you don’t have a gay bone in your body, so this role of hers was not attractive to you at all. Would it be disturbing to see your SO presenting herself in a way that is polar opposite to the feminine woman you are attracted to?
Personally, I can only hope that I would be as understanding and helpful as my wife is with me. Of course, I would love her all the same and I would want her to be able to express herself and I would try and help her by sharing my insight as a man. Occasionally, I could see us going out to a game or camping or a sports bar or whatever manly things men do. I may not find it necessarily attractive, but I could get into the headspace of just having some guy-time with my best guy-friend. This is how my wife views our girl-time together and I’m grateful for that. Obviously, we’re all crossdressers, so it’s impossible to be truly objective given our life experience, but I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.
I have many times thought about “the other side”. To get a glimpse of what she may experience I’m just thinking how I would react if she wanted to go a good bit beyond just pants and started to wear a fake beard and so on.
How would I react – I don’t know but to be honest with my self (and you here) while I would like to think it would be the same I don’t think I would be as supportive as she is with Kelly.
Go out with her/him to sports bars or so – don’t think so since I don’t do many macho things to start with and never been interested in sports.
Shay that she/him find some other FtM friends and they go somewhere. Yes I let them but I don’t know if I would go with them (drab or drag).
Only time it would definitely be ok for me would be in some kind of costume party (and then I would go as Kelly) but we are not party people so that will probably not happen.
/kt
A few days ago she playfully, but kinda seriously, said she was a cross dresser too as she borrowed a t-shirt. She looks way better in it than I do. Turn about is fair play! I can’t really imagine what it would be like to not be attracted to my wife because she does have short hair, she does dress in drab, and she likes a ton of “guy” things. I love her in either feminine mode or her common slightly masculine modes. Your question has me wondering what it would be like to kiss her with a beard though, that is something I hadn’t considered before.
When I think about it, that’s really a tough question to answer; but I will. I wouldn’t like it. But I would put up with it (I hope) with the same grace I received from my wife when I introduced her to Bettylou. (And she has since become much more accommodating).
Marie,
It’s a great question. One I have pondered for many years. The million dollar question. The “take a look in the mirror” question. The hypocrisy-revealing question. The “why is this overwhelmingly a 1 way phenomenon” question.
I still don’t have a great answer. But if I’m being perfectly honest, I wouldn’t like it. At all. The answer to your question is part of the reason I have so much angst about myself and my wife and her former acceptance but now hostility toward CDing. I look in the mirror and say, “hypocrite.”
Further examination makes this a more nuanced analysis. There might be some things I like. I’d love for her to show more interest in sports. I’d love for her to sometimes act like a predictable guy than an unpredictable girl.
I was discussing this with someone else today in a different context.
And I think that if my wife was trying to “out-masculine” me, I would feel threatened as a man. I would feel like she’s saying that I’m not man enough, so let a woman show you how you should be a man. Does this line of thinking sound familiar to anyone here, only in reverse?
I think my wife would say, “ok, but why do you feel the need to dress as a woman in order to incorporate some of these traditionally feminine personality characteristics into your whole person as a man? I have some male traits, but you don’t see me painting on a beard, letting the hair on my body grow, cutting off all my long hair, and wearing jockstraps, boots and flannels to make it happen. I just incorporate it into my feminine identity.” That’s a question I don’t have an answer for. It’s not JUST about the clothes, of course. It’s about the identity. It’s about how I look at the world and how I want the world to look at me in those moments. I don’t want to be an effeminate man. I find (ironically I suppose, hypocritically?) effeminate men and masculine women to be very off putting. I want to be EITHER a masculine man OR a feminine woman, but not a mixture of the two in how I present myself or interact with the world.
So I don’t want to “project” femininity while I am presenting myself to the world as my biological male self. Not at all. My femininity may still inform some of my actions and attitudes, but I don’t want to project that outwardly. By the same token, when presenting myself to the world as my partially innate feminine self, I don’t want to project masculinity. Not at all. I’m very much a girly girl and want to explore all things feminine. My masculinity may similarly inform some of my actions and attitudes when dressed as a woman, but I don’t want to project that outwardly.
Why does it seem to NEED to be that way? Even I don’t understand it and don’t have an answer to that “objection.” It does seem like this is mainly a male problem. Women can seamlessly wear many things that are considered inherently masculine without anyone thinking they’re weird. Of course, I don’t think many women are wearing jockstraps or boxers under their jeans and flannel shirts either. I don’t think many women walk around with prosthetic “packages” between their legs and binding their breasts. When my wife and I were both active duty military, we went to work dressed identically almost every single day with camouflage BDUs, combat boots, and short hair (hers was either cut short or pinned up short). But she still wore light makeup, bras, panties, and shaved her legs and armpits so…
The equation changes for me a bit, however, if I still get to have my femme side too. Then I can imagine having some role reversal fun, and it wouldn’t bother me as much as long as those periods of cross gender presentation coincided. Then I could unabashedly embrace my femme side and feel free to do so.
This is just a very tricky and revealing question. I’m guessing it makes many of us squirm.
I think I would try to accept it as she has tried,(but not very well…to accept Caty).
What I can say tho is I do have a dear friend who is also the (female) make up artist whom has made Caty look so fantastic over so many makeovers and years.So much so that when I attended Transformal 17, (Aka Southern Comfort et al) up in the mountains behind Sydney, I made sure she was there to do my hair and make up.
She in turn (as she puts it), “manned up”. Trousers mans shirt, dyed short hair and of course make up to make her look very masculine..
Some very private photos were taken of the “happy couple”. Me as “Scarlett O Caty”, (see photo in my profile) and her in her male persona….
Ah the irony of it all… Me wanting to look as femme as possible and her doing her “male drab thing”.
Happy dressing
Caty
My S.O. is on the fence of acceptance for me, but I would welcome her if she wanted to crossdress or even… transition. Even though I am not really attracted to males, I believe that I would have love, acceptance and support for her/him.
Eva
Hello Marie.
I don’t have an S.O….but I have loved!!!
this is just my opinion.
Well, after the initial shock……
I would expect that anyone on this site who wants/hopes or dreams of their wives or S.O’s accepting them as the girl they want to be….would give the same consideration if the shoe/ high heel was on the other foot….after all, what’s good for the goose…..
….by the way, what a cute profile pic.
Grace xx
Body hair grosses me out. Male or female.
Excluding eyebrows and one other area.
It plays no part whatever in creating an externally male appearance, unlike forms and hip padding create a feminine appearance and fill clothing – so shoulder pads are fine… but they’re a female thing anyway!
Anything else is just fine.
I’ve met a few FtMs, and they looked beautiful.
I really can’t see a problem!
It’s only clothes, and appearance. The person within is the important thing.
However, I will add that I am a bit more shallow than that – some female looks turn me right off – including some of my wife’s looks.
Certain items of clothing and the way they fit just don’t look attractive – downright repulsive sometimes.
But there’s a person in there, and it’s important to look past the packaging. Never judge a book…
Love Laura.
Hiya Marie
That’s a good thought, long before i ever got married, I had always hoped that the girl i would meet up with would be a girl who at times would cross-dress into that of a man, or that we could have a role reversal wedding where my wife dressed as a Groom, and I dressed as the Bride in the full wedding-dress oh what a thought or come to that a dream. that would have felt like pure magic… alas I awoke to reality when I had my wife come onto the scene, as my wife does where stuff like trousers and top, alas her face will not pass…oh well we cannot all have what we desire, thus it remains a dream, alas for me.
I will keep persevering to get her looking a bit more male, she is due to cut her hair cut short, that much I have achieved, She knows I dress, but she always knew I did, as I have never kept it a secret from her, Really love her so much and so I hope she will come round to participating with it with me. That’s what I am working towards slowly.
Best Regards
Melissa
Thought I’d offer this additional reply because it seems relevant. I may have told this story before here, but I think it bears repeating (and speaks ever so well of my lovely wife that she did something I’m not sure I would have done or thought to do had the situation been reversed):
We agreed that I wouldn’t dress in front of the kids (they were roughly 5 and 6 at the time I started). So when she and the kids would leave the house and I had Stephanie time, the rule was always that she would call me until she reached me before coming back into the house so as to give me time to change.
One day she forgot…uh oh…and I heard them walk in. No woman has ever raced faster in 3” heels to get up a flight of stairs and into the bedroom. I got around the corner and had almost made it through the door when my daughter shouted, ”why is daddy wearing a dress??!!” Oh my…what to do? I had no idea what to do. I changed my clothes quickly and then went into my son’s room where both the kids were, and I sat down to try to explain myself. This is hard enough to explain to people with complete vocabularies! Lol.
Just then, my wife walked into the bedroom wearing one of my suits, a dress shirt and tie, and my dress shoes. She said to the kids that what people wear on the outside doesn’t matter but what God cares about is what’s on the inside. My jaw dropped to the floor. It was PERFECT in every way. It was selfless and kind and gracious and loving and supporting, and oh so brilliant. I don’t think it’s possible for someone to love another person as much as I loved her right in that moment
Often have tried to answer this very scenario. Would depend totally on what level we are talking about bit like us girls. We all dress and live at different points on the scale. Would be similar to the questions we probably all asked ourselves. Do we want to be female. Are we gay. Is it a fetish or purely sexual. Do we want to live as female.
Would support her if she desired to dress as male but would probably a bit uncomfortable in certain situations depending on the level of the transformation. Women can pretty much crossdress as male anyway so no big deal on the clothes side of it. Would personally enjoy if we both role reversed.
Recently was at a function where a girl was wearing a man’s suit with shirt and tie. Had her hair pulled right back and also mens shoes on. She looked stunning have to say and vert sexy! Would have loved seeing my wife like that.
Wow Marie ,
Convicting question I must say.
And one I ask myself often.
My wife is just barely tolerant of my Crossdressing and I put myself in her shoes often or put it on the other foot often like you said asking what I would do.
I must say I don’t like the answer as I love her feminine side so I guess I am shamefully a hypocrite I guess .
I hope I would be supportive but I wouldn’t like it either.
I guess I don’t like myself when I look at it that way I must say.
Thanks for the insight
Huggs Patty
Oof. That’s a weird thought. I have zero attraction to guys and don’t even get along well with them as friends most of the time, so I can’t deny that a (hypothetical) girlfriend/wife wanting to present herself as a guy at least some of the time might feel weird and maybe even a bit off-putting to me. Like… I definitely can’t see myself having “guys only time” situations or doing “manly things” together because that’s just not something I’ve ever been interested in anyway.
I suppose I’d try to be supportive, but if it turned out she actually felt more like a he and wanted to present as a guy most of the time (or even fully transition) it would almost certainly end the relationship. Though we could still be friends, of course, and I’d never be the sort of person who’d flip out on somebody and make it a bad breakup at the very least.
Marie;
Great question, and as so widely commented on, a great chance to expose hypocrisy on our part.
I’d like to think that I could deal with it well, but she is such a woman and my mind locks up when I try to put her appearance or actions into a masculine state… It’s just not her. Assuming that I could see it, I need to believe that I would still love her with every fibre of my being as I do now……
But I have my doubts about it, and the reason for that is simple…. I don’t feel comfortable in the male space. I am an impostor in that space and it come out sometimes in the strangest of ways. Each time it’s jarring, so to have my dearest inhabiting that space by choice and probably doing better at it than I am would be quite an experience.
Now, IF I were comfortable and happy in that space, then it would be something of an entirely different experience. This is the one that would be the more appropriate parallel, after all, this is the scenario where neither of us would want to be the bride. I just can’t stretch my imagination to “both of us in this space.” (Heck, I know I’m not there)
I can say I’d love for her to be excited and happy to build and fix things with me…. We could spend many happy hours doing that, but it feels like that’s not really a gendered thing.
-Molly (always late to the party)
Hi Marie, I’ve had this conversation with my Wife. When I finally did come out to her it was a huge relief for me. But it put the burden on her. She has to come to grips with this new me. Or if she tells me no I can’t take that then she has the guilt of denying me of something that I can no longer deny. And I have the guilt of putting this on her. Am I selfish, maybe. But unfortunately I believe that this is a deeper need, one that I am not myself any longer without. Somehow getting stronger as I get older.💕💋 Katie
Thanks Marie for putting their shoes on our feet!
After a few moments of reflection I was pleased to come to the realization that I believe this prospect to be a delightful one! I think it would be a blast if my beautiful SO wanted to crossdress! I think it would be fun to help her (him!) learn how to walk, pick out clothes, talk like a dude, etc…..
You are right, not being attracted to masculinity might make it a little challenging but I think knowing that it was her under that masculine presentation it wouldn’t take long for the folks at the baseball game to believe we were gay!! 🙂Martin Rae
Hi Maria Its is a good question If my wife wanted to cross dress I would be ok with it I know she would always look like a woman wearing men’s clothes. Its pretty hard to hide the curves that i very much attracted to. If those curves started to disappear and she wanted to bind her chest and wear a prosthetic. I would start to think like a lot of our SO’s. I would ask ARE YOU GAY,HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THIS? WHY DO YOU WANT TO PRESENT YOUR SELF AS MAN IF YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO ATTRACT A WOMAN? She would have to come up with answers that made sense to me. If and when the body hair became apparent. The marriage would be over. I would not be accepting as my wife. I love the female gender and all of the thousand things I notice about what it takes to be a female in today’s world. I wish I could feel differently but I do not. Having said that I did meet a cute trans man on a job site He still had small curves and had cute female dimples when he smiled. It was a very strange attraction I never felt before. He had no facial hair, small hands just a nice attractive smile. If I were not married, I could see me having a relationship with him. It would be strange but very exciting at the same time. Thank for the question
Luv Stephanie
Quite a compelling question. I think if my SO was similar to me, as in she wanted to find a better way to balance the make and female sides of her, things would be fine. I wouldn’t be losing my wife, just gaining a new pal sometimes. As it is, when im in Kate mode she becomes more if the husband anyway, so it would not be a huge stretch. But like anything, it’s taking the time to process and adjust accordingly.
Obviously this is a very stimulating topic (NPI) that rightly deserves some scientific analysis. On the surface, however, there is genuine significance to the phenomenon of Heterosexual Male Crossdressers (HMC). Many enjoy proclaiming the disparity in societal perspectives on men and women who choose to (and enjoy) wearing clothing and accessories primarily intended for the opposite sex. Those assertions disregard that the differences between men and women as well as between masculinity and femininity are not simply flipped-sides. Most men and women are drawn to femininity in some way; women admire it or envy it in other women as much as men are attracted to it. Most men are NOT attracted to masculinity in other men. And . . . it does not seem to me that women who wear masculine clothing are doing it to appear masculine as much as for the practicality. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m relatively certain that simple turnaround would not be fair play on this subject. As far as I know there is not really a corresponding female phenomenon to HMC. That is significant!
FAM
Wow! What a question…almost like what if there were 6 Sundays next month? I have met a couple or GGs that transitioned to men, or at least presenting as men…but is female crossdressing even a thing? However, if it were…it would be weird but it would be cool with me. Like anything, or anyone, she might choose to do…I’m fine with it. Haley is certainly not ashamed of the fact that she does in fact prefer men, but her male persona Hal definitely likes women. Maybe if we changed roles it would make it easier, but somehow that just seems silly to me…at least now we can wear the same skirts! As for the subject of HMC…can’t say I’ve ever met or even talked to a heterosexual male that crossdressed. I’m not saying that HMCs don’t exist, but for me the sexual attraction to men and wanting to look fem and pretty is a huge reason why I dress…not the only one but a big part of it. I guess I really don’t understand why a hetero man would dress, but then I really don’t always understand why I do either!
Haley😘
Haley Ann wrote: As for the subject of HMC…can’t say I’ve ever met or even talked to a heterosexual male that crossdressed. I’m not saying that HMCs don’t exist, but for me the sexual attraction to men and wanting to look fem and pretty is a huge reason why I dress…not the only one but a big part of it. I guess I really don’t understand why a hetero man would dress, but then I really don’t always understand why I do either![/quote]
I’m relatively certain that the majority of crossdressers are heterosexual. Personally, my crossdressing has nothing to do with attracting any male interest; it’s about the clothes. I know that some of us do toy with male attraction, but that is one of the sticking points to women/SO’s acceptance of CD. They can’t get past the male attraction. Years ago, I was dining with a woman who noticed an attractive but somewhat masculine looking woman at another table with a man. She said, “She looks like a crossdresser!” Without divulging my understanding of the phenomenon, I simply replied, “If she was a crossdresser, she’d be out with a woman!” My companion got a puzzled look on her face, as if to say, that it did not make sense. The point is that it does not make sense until you factor in the draw to femininity of heterosexual male crossdressers. Thus the phenomenon!
FAM
Sorry for shocking you, dear!
I’m just trying to express the processes I’m conscious of – I don’t judge people on their appearance, but I cannot stop myself from making some kind of rapid mental assessment of the appearance in terms of personal appeal – and one is free to choose to search for and concentrate on the bits that do appeal.
Of course, she’s my beautiful wife and always will be, and the appearance is not important to me although I notice and assess, it’s the vision:
They say love is blind, but I disagree.
When you truly feel love for someone it is visually transformative, and the “reality” of the appearance is actually of no importance whatsoever. The reality is yours.
That said, when she’s made up and dressed up for an occasion, wow!!!
That’s the loveliest sight I have ever seen and no-one can top that!
Love Laura
Gen,
Thanks; yes, it was. I think it’s impossible to concoct a better, kinder, more loving, selfless, and creative(!) response! It was beautiful. It made me cry to write about it! Lol.
God bless,
Steph
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