What If Your Wife Told You She Is A FTM Crossdresser?

[Patti Myself]

I just saw a very interesting and thought provoking comment in another thread which was about getting support from your wife/SO. The comment was turning things around where the wife comes to the husband telling him she is a FTM crossdresser and hopes he can accept it. Like totally wearing men’s clothes, not just casual things like a lot of women do. Even behaving like a man. I have never thought about that possibility. And while it is a very remote chance of that ever happening…it still makes me wonder about my perspective if my wife would have done that. Especially since I always thought it should not be that big of a deal for her to accept my crossdressing. But, of course, it was a big deal for her. Off hand I don’t think I would have liked it. So why should she like it about me? Food for thought. :)

Total of 29 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.

KoriL Sometimes, Valerie Kennedy, Bobbi Baker, Holly Marie, Mariana S., Julie Day, Cindy Jones, Sarah Kanter, Gabby Ashmore, Leah, Melodee, Lara Tucker, Frenlee, Harriette, Jill Quinn, Lauren Russell, Marlene Roberts, Kathleen, Clarissa Cross

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[Holly Marie]

What a great question!  Really makes me think; in the end, I’m positive that I would be totally supportive, basically because it’s her!!!  I love K, and while I’m too terrified to tell her the deep, dark secret, I’d love it if she “came out” to me… because then there would be no reason not to come out to her!  I’m completely heterosexual, and while K is not exactly “Barbiesque” I think she could never be totally un-feminine in the same way that Holly could never be totally un-masculine… no matter how much I try.  Any FTMs out there – we love you and hope you love this site as much as us MTFs do!  Holly XXX

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Patti Myself

[Stephaniewy]

Since my wife is not at all girly and wears mostly male clothing  almost there.  If we ever moved to a totally new place I would love for her to be ftm and I would be her wife

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Patti Myself

[Jin Crocker]

Have you looked a what women are wearing? Most all have been wearing what are traditionally called male clothes for several decades now. Jeans, T-shirts, even the business suit has come to look more like male clothes.

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Patti Myself

[Harriette]

Zara has a “Menswear Style” section in their women’s section.

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Marlene Roberts, Patti Myself

[Suzanne Martin]

This is an interesting topic.

My wife is a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl.  She will wear dresses and make u on special occasions but not on a regular basis.  She grew up as a tomboy and has hunted and fished with me, does “manly things” around the house and other traditional male activities.  On the other hand I do laundry, cook, sew, clean house and other traditional female activities.

In answer to the question I wouldn’t have a problem if my wife told me she was a FtoM crossdresser.

My question is what distinguishes a FtoM crossdresser from a female that just wears male clothes?  Many women wear men’s jeans and shirts but aren’t considered crossdressers or at least society accepts it.  To be a FtoM crossdresser do they need to bind their breasts and create a bulge in their pants to appear male?  How does one differentiate one from the other?

In the end does it really make a difference?  Aren’t we looking for our dressing to be accepted as acceptable?

For as long as there have been people on this earth there have always been questions such as these and never an answer.  Do what makes you happy so long as it isn’t illegal and don’t push it on others. How much better would the world be if that were to happen.

I’ll get off the soap box now.

XOXO
Suzanne

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Michaela Jane, Marlene Roberts, Harriette, Patti Myself, Alison Anderson

[Anonymous]

My wife now knows about my crossdressing. We are working through it. She has stated emphatically that she wants me to do what makes me happy (even though it had caused a strain on our intimacy and our relationship in general).

I could easily accept it if she told me she wanted to wear men’s clothing.

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Patti Myself, Suzanne Martin, Harriette

[Mariana S.]

In my case, it’s not a 1:1 comparison because my wife is bi/pansexual. Except that she doesn’t like trans girls or crossdressers, as I would painfully find out. As a queer person, she’s all for my dressing; as my wife, she wants a man. As for me, I’m as straight as they come. Even the male friend I tried to hook up with in my late teens didn’t arouse me; I just wanted to know that I wasn’t lying to myself (so many people told me I must be gay…) So that would be a deal breaker, and if that were the only way she would be happy we would be just friends.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by Mariana S..

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Harriette, Patti Myself, Suzanne Martin

[Julie Day]

Pattie great question, I am a very accepting person. I think it would be an intriguing situation, I think it would be fun for her to go out as a guy and me as a women. I think people can feel comfortable in any gender they wish to present.

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Suzanne Martin, Jerri Newman, Patti Myself, Lara Tucker

[Sarah Kanter]

It’s always valuable to think about things from the other side. My wife is pretty non-traditional in many respects, she hates wearing dresses, for example, so I think some aspects wouldn’t be too big of a deal. However, I don’t really like “traditional male” kinds of people, even as guy friends, so I think it would depend on how much she acted like a “man” and what kind of man it was. Generally, one of the things I liked most about her was that she wasn’t in many ways a traditional kind of woman.

I think another way to think about is that I like my wife for who she is. If I found out something about her that completely changed the way I think about her, that would be hard. I guess part of this is how much you know about a person before you make the bigger commitment. With cross dressing, it evolves for many of us, so it can seem like a dramatic shock for our partners. Especially if it’s something we’ve hidden or repressed or tried to get rid of, and so never told anyone about.

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Stephaniewy, Suzanne Martin, Harriette, Lara Tucker, Patti Myself

[Gabby Ashmore]

In the past my wife has worn my clothes while I was dressed. It went as far as me waiting on her and cleaning the house while she sat and watched. It was a fun game that ended up being a turn on for us both. If my wife said she wanted to wear men’s clothes I would say knock yourself out. She has seen me dressed for 20 years. I’ve definitely worn lingerie and dresses way more than her and we both seem to be fine with that. She used to think I was trying to be more of a woman than her but I explained over and over again she is all woman even in my boxers and t shirt. I have to try hard to even blur the line. I will always be a guy in a dress.

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Suzanne Martin, Harriette, Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, Sarah Kanter

[Patti Myself]

That is an interesting response. Almost like a dream come true for both of you in a way. Some fun and games to go with it too. Nice to hear that someone has actually been involved in a situation like this. THX so much! :)

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Lara Tucker

[J J]

If you want to see a fun response seaxh youtube for the FtM crossdessing scene in the movie 9 1/2 weeks…very erotuc and loads of fun if tou can get your SO to do something similar.

While my wife does not FtM crossdress, she occasionally buys men’s items bexause they fit her better being 6’2″. I tease her about being a crossdresser and say I am.fine with it since I certaily am. She doesn’t see it a crossdress, but just as functional.

As I have noted before, as time goes on she has been projecting more masculine traits, and I mote feminine ones, though we are still very much our original genders, just toned down a bit. It works extremely well for us.

If you walked into her home office, you would swear it was a man’s and looking in my side of the closet or drawers you would see a whe section of dresses or lingerie.

So in some respect she has FtM tendencies and I am.perfectly happy with that, as she is with my MtF choices.

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Harriette

[Melodee]

An incredibly good point, and frankly, the way most relationship matters should be considered. Marriages, friendships, whatever – “What if we reversed this situation?”

As someone noted above, it seems quite easy to say, “Sure, go ahead,” with the knowledge that there is zero intent for her to do so. However, if you truly consider it as a reality – would you want to go out to a restaurant with both of you in a total male mode? Possibly being seen holding hands or kissing? She is your spouse, after all and you love her.

If you’re really considering what I suggest, then you now have an idea of what it’s like for her. I’m in no way saying this green lights her to say, “You may not,” but it should give you an idea of what she’s thinking about/going through. Be patient. Be understanding. She will need time and space and support to work through it.

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[Carole Corbett]

Melodee … you are spot on!

 

carole

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Melodee

[Patti Myself]

Very well said. THX so much! :)

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Lara Tucker

[Harriette]

When I declared to my wife that I like female fashions and was going to wear them more, she asked me something along the line of if she should dress as a man, too. I said go ahead, that’s up to you knowing full well that she wouldn’t. She likes feminine clothes. It’s just that so do I.

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Suzanne Martin, Marlene Roberts, Leah, Patti Myself, Lara Tucker, Frenlee

[KoriL Sometimes]

I have a few scattered thoughts on this.  They will probably gel over time but I really like the question/scenario proposed.

I think women have the advantage right from the start due to the fact that nobody really questions anything if they throw on baggy jeans, a work shirt, some work boots etc and head out to get stuff done.   Women pretty much get a free pass to cross dress to the masculine any time they want in our society.  Now, if they start dressing that way, running around behind their SO’s back and having sex with other women or men behind their backs?….well, that there is on an entirely different level and some serious conversations need be had.

For guys, it’s a rare if ever day that any of us could even throw on a pair of size 12, low rise, skinny jeans with heels and a super soft T and make it out through the local grocery without getting the evil stink eye from a lot of folks at the store. My Wife would be receiving some curious phone calls or texts before I made it back home.

Double standards are double standards.  They exist.

I personally cannot, at this point, see a path to letting my Wife know about my dressing without causing her a serious sense of being hurt for me not confiding in her all these years.  It would be awesome to have a supportive partner but I think I ran the timeline out somewhere around the 25 year mark.   At the same time, she has definitely changed over the years, kids and biological timeline.  Nonetheless she’s the love of my life and, although she’s not the young woman I married decades ago, she’s still my best friend.  I go out of my way, every day, to protect her from any hurt…….OK, rambling aimlessly now so I’ll shut up.

Thanks,

K

• This reply was modified 2 months ago by KoriL Sometimes.

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[Carole Corbett]

My wife and I talk about this and she agreed it a double standard…she can wear my boxers to bed but if I wanted to wear a nightie…not happening !  Your grocery store example is perfect.

At the same time my wife and talked about it “just being the clothes” …it’s not …it’s deeper than that at least for me!

Great discussion!

 

Carole

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Suzanne Martin

[Lauren Russell]

I guess in a way she is…she loves the menswear look and buys clothes (particularly shirts) in the men’s department. Disappointing when I consider how she doesn’t like me wearing women’s clothes. This all points to the hypocrisy of how society defines and enforces gender roles.

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[Anonymous]

In general, there would be two very different scenarios:

For a mtf cd/tg, having their significant other letting them know they are f2m cd/tg individual would likely be somehow acceptable to down right a fantasy come true.

But for a non-cd/tg guy, the likelihood of being totally cool with having a new “guy friend” to do manly stuff with, and with whom share public displays of affection would be minimal, if any.

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Suzanne Martin, Marlene Roberts, Leah, Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Sherri Remington

[Clarissa Cross]

I have been thinking a lot about the same question lately and thought to myself that it would be a nice situation even though my SO is fully accepting me dressed when home but she doesn’t like med wearing a wig and makeup. Now after your question Im no longer sure that I could fully accept her being a FTM crossdresser, because I really like her feminine appearance and would miss her femininity soooooo much. Tough question.

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Suzanne Martin, Leah, Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, Jill Quinn, April Sinclair

[Alice Black]

I feel like my wife always is dressing in male clothing. She only wears a dress on special occasions. If she told me she was FTM, I would like to think I do not have a problem. But I doubt that will ever happen. Crossdressing is nearly always MTF because society says it is fine for women to wear mens clothing, but frowns on the converse.

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[Alison Anderson]

To some degree, my (now) ex has, although not in so many words.

For starters, I’m more interested in the clothes than completely presenting as a woman. If I go out of the house, I’m going to put on a bra and forms, a wig, and at least some makeup to cover my beard. I’m also going to change my non-verbal signals and voice. But at home I don’t need these.

My ex had told me many times she would like to try “man-tailored” clothing, which I could interpret as an FTM crossdresser. But when we saw crossdressers on TV (not comedies but programs like HBO’s Real Sex) she seemed to dislike it a lot. Because of her double standard, I just kept hiding myself from her.

When she started to get a bit of female-pattern baldness, and because she was tired of having to fix her hair after work all the time (she is an OR nurse so is always wearing an elastic head covering), she decided to buzz cut and eventually shave her head. She is still shaving her head.

Even as late as a few months ago she was still talking about getting some man-tailored clothes for my niece’s wedding. Because of her shape, it is difficult to find men’s clothing that would fit her, but it is still something she wants.

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Leah, Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Suzanne Martin, Marlene Roberts

[Caty Ryan]

I gave this a lot of thought before answering. Since I’m one of the “ancients” here on CDH, I look back on my own CD “career” and can only base my response on that.

I am reasonably sure I could cope with my SO in male pants….. That’s cos she never wears a dress or skirt anyway. Her lingerie is equally plain, so no “excitement” there…..As for the rest of male apparel, well that would be OK too.. Whatever made her happy. She does not wear much make up, so that’s a non issue as well if she went “all male”

I’ve never desired to be intimate when dressed with either of the two women I’ve had in my life, nor would I want them to come shopping with me. (If only cos I know that could never, ever happen! Plus I much prefer shopping solo…. When I can en femme, it’s only 2-3 times a year)

As for” coming out” to “all and sundry”. In the “bad old days” that would have been a problem. In these (hopefully…) enlightened days, it could be a blessing in disguise. The one disclaimer there is we live in a very conservative retirement village. Men and men and women are women and “never the twain shall put on a dress”..

A very thought provoking and interesting post

 

Caty.

 

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Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Lorraine Lowry, Suzanne Martin, Marlene Roberts

[Natalie Dane]

It really wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. My wife has always been more of a Tomboy and rarely wears dresses are Uber-feminine clothes.

He style including hair cut is more gender ambiguous, which suits her.

It used to upset me, just a little, that my wife wasn’t glitzy. Now that I’m more comfortable with myself I’m realizing it’s not that I really desired her to look a certain way, it’s more that I wanted to have that presentation.

-Natalie

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Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Rita Perillo, Suzanne Martin, Marlene Roberts, Rachael Wanttobe

[J J]

I don’t think I would have a problem.with it

As my wife says about my dressing en femme, “they are just clothes”.

I married a woman, and my wife married a man, a d we are both comfortable in our rolls, but i have no issues with her mascine side, which can be quite strong, anymore then she has with my feminine side which I enjoy expressing in my dress.

I even encourged it once and got her to.wear my boxers (back when I wore them), and I wore her bra and panties. We had fun, but it was wasn’t anything she was interesting in persuing. The sex was fun though. She did look great topless wearing boxers while I felt super sexy in a lacy bra and panty.

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Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Suzanne Martin, Marlene Roberts, Natalie Dane

[Rachael Wanttobe]

It’s an interesting thought. Me being how I am, would it give me the opportunity to open the door and be open myself?? Maybe. Honestly though if the thought experiment is that I’m a normal guy without my girl side, I imagine it would be difficult. Thoughts like this are why I tend to not try to come out to wife. Thought my girl was in a dormant phase when we met, I definitely knew about her and kept her inside. If I hadn’t my wife would definitely not have married me

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Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Rita Perillo, Suzanne Martin, Vecca Senn

[Madeline Bradford]

That sounds like my response to a post. If you really want to shake up your brain, what would your reaction be if she wanted to take on a male presentation and be intimate? How about leaving the house and go out together in public? And how would you feel if she wanted to present as male to your friends or your family, and have them and you call her Bill or Hank? How would you feel if she came to you after years of marriage, having raised a family together, and told you that she has been secretly dressing as a man and going out with other women who do the same thing? It is asking a lot, and for many too much.

Now imagine your father coming out. Or your mother. Yikes!

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Lara Tucker, Rita Perillo, Suzanne Martin, Natalie Dane, April Sinclair, Patti Myself

[Patti Myself]

Wonderful response. You said it so well. Appreciate your insight and giving us more to think about. It is not a simple scenario. And it wasn’t for my wife and many others. THX so much!  :)

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Lara Tucker, Clarissa Cross, Suzanne Martin, Rachael Wanttobe, April Sinclair

[Patti Myself]

Another thing to consider. Me being a crossdresser, I would hope I would be very open minded if that happened and just say ‘sure…ok with me.’ But even with that I’m not sure I could easily accept it but might be willing to try. Not sure at all. However, if I were not a crossdresser and she told me that….I would probably be dumbfounded and caught by surprise and not be able to handle it. The fact that crossdressing is probably 99.9% men doing it makes this almost a moot question. But, still, I think it has really made me think of her reaction a little differently and made me more understanding of her point of view.

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Lara Tucker, Clarissa Cross, Suzanne Martin, Rachael Wanttobe, Staci Green, April Sinclair, Marlene Roberts

[Rita Perillo]

And you have to wonder why the vast majority of all crossdressers are men? Is it all the pressure society places on men to be “manly” and do “manly things,” when so many crossdressers have a very real feminine side and wish to express themselves in different ways that are unacceptable in the male side of the world? Seems to me, there is something special about women and femininity that so many men want to be a part of and want to copy.

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Lara Tucker, Clarissa Cross, Suzanne Martin, Rachael Wanttobe, April Sinclair, Patti Myself

[Patti Myself]

You are so right. But society is changing so much as far as male roles versus female roles. Maybe it is not so far fetched to imagine a female wanting to emulate a male. Sure makes me pause to think. THX. :)

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Lara Tucker, Suzanne Martin, Rachael Wanttobe, April Sinclair

[Rita Perillo]

I guess the big question I would have if my wife came home and said that to me is the exact same question women ask men if they find out our cross dressing: Are you gay? Tough question because the answer to that depends on whether or not you stay married. If you simply feel the urge to crossdress, either man or woman, and then feel comfortable going back to your birth gender, then you should be OK. But if you feel your feminine side taking over, if you feel like you want to remain as a woman (or a man, in the original question), then you’ve got big problems. The tough decision for either sex is can you coexist in both worlds, or are you choosing one over the other. Every individual has to make their own choice about that.

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Lara Tucker, Suzanne Martin, Rachael Wanttobe, April Sinclair, Patti Myself

[Sherri Remington]

The person I married 45 years ago has changed in many ways from the one that I married, some of those ways I can embrace and others that I just go along with. Still though she is the one that I’m best friends with, the person that I can share anything with and the closest person who has to accept my being a CD, so of course I would accept and support her if that’s what she wanted to do. She would have to get help though from someone other than me though, since I’ve never really been that manly man kind of guy.

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[J J]

It is, and I blame her for my desire to dress, because whwn I do she is so much fun in bed that it just reinforces my dressing.

Of course she is amazing when I am not dressed as well. She is just a wonderdul woman in so many ways.

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Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Sherri Remington

[Marlene Roberts]

A heavy question indeed. Best, Marlene,

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Lara Tucker, Patti Myself, April Sinclair, Clarissa Cross

[Author]

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