- This topic has 55 replies, 33 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by
.
- Posts
Hi Everyone, having got over my initial shock from this morning (see OMG!) post… I thought its time i got down to business and posted something….
Now i realise this is not a funny post, in fact depending on how you feel and look at it, it can be quite serious, even if its just for the morale point of view.
When i first started my journey, my wife was understandably quite bitter about it, she relented a bit after a while but still, i felt that she wasnt happy. Anyway, one of the early comments she gave me was a saying ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ Basically calling me old and trying to get away with wearing clothes that a much younger woman or Girl would wear. Naturally i felt hurt and it is true to say for Weeks/Months afterwards, every time i put a short skirt on those classic words Rang through my mind like an Echo. It did nothing for my morale and actually made me very reluctant to dress for a long while which with hindsight, was probably what my wife wanted me to do.
So…. If it doesnt cause you too much distress or upset, what hurtful things has your Partner or Wife said to you either now or in the past?
Lots of Love, Fiona xx
Not sure how many want to relieve those hurtful words again but I’m sure all of us who have come out to our SO’s have heard one or two or more. Just a single cutting phrase from our wives who know just how to push our buttons can be a terrible stab to the heart.
As many wives do when we first come out to them at first my wife flip flopped accepting then hating. I think some here call it backlash. I won’t repeat any of those hateful words but one night she really let me have it destroying my confidence as only she can do to the point I was miserable for days and even considered suicide to escape my dark depression and lack of self esteem. I was at a very, very, low point. Instead, I purged everything I had to relieve my mental stress and I swore I would never dress again. I tried to accept my miserable condition and be a “normal” man.
Well, we know how that goes. None of my previous purges worked but at least now this one kept me from the brink. It worked for that purpose but after about two or three weeks I had that old desire again and this time I had a good talking to myself.
I went to a local park and sat alone crying and trying to determine what was really important to me in life. Mentally wrestling with myself for a couple hours listing the pros and cons in my head of my current state of affairs. I was a blubbering mess and surprised no one approached or called the authorities. After hours of tough heart breaking realizations, I knew my feminine side was a real part of me and I didn’t care WTF the wife thought about it anymore. I couldn’t hide in the closet any longer. I decided to finally accept this side of myself and not to be ashamed of it ever again. She could no longer hurt me with it. That moment was when my anxieties and depression concerning dressing began to fade.
Later I had a talk with her and let her know how her hateful comments affected me. To my surprise she changed her attitude and began to help me buy clothes. That was over six years ago and now its no big deal to her and I express my femininity every day within limits. Its enough to let Michelle breath and be happy. Funny how things work out sometimes.
Wow thanks for sharing such a poignant experience I am so glad you were strong and found the inner strength to make it through that time and that you and your wife are in such a healthier and loving place together Michelle.
Hugs April
-
Hi April.
Thank you for your kind words. That was a very difficult time but a turning point where I knew for a fact that my feminine side was permanent and I had to express it no matter what happened or I would go insane. Its funny that when we can dismiss our fears and just be bold and go for our dreams they can sometimes happen. As you probably know I express my femininity every day in a limited way but its enough to keep Michelle happy. The wife has seen I’m not leaving her, transitioning, or embarrassing her, so shes fine with things as they are and can live with that.
Thank you Michelle for sharing such a difficult time and moving to a place of acceptance and having to be who you are. It just makes me happy for you to have found a happy zone to be who you are and for your wife to realize where you need to be a point she is comfortable with is accepting and you both have the best of one another in sharing your lives together.
Dear Michelle,
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but I admire you for staying strong and standing by your convictions. And I’m very happy you’re still here.
Hugs, Jill
-
Hi Jill.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m happier now than ever, don’t get depressed, and have a huge wardrobe too… win win! Its also wonderful and mentally healthy to be able to express myself to all you girls who understand where I’m coming from. Thanks for reading and sending me a Thank you.
I love hearing the success stories. Even though mine is not among them, it delights me to know that others- probably most- have been more fortunate and that there are indeed many women who love their man enough to support him, even when he acts in ways that many could not tolerate.
Some of the cutting words I won’t soon forget are “it would be easier if you were dead”, and “I’d rather be with another man than with you”. She insisted I find a counselor who could change what I could not and what two previous joint counselors and my individual counselor had told us they would not attempt. She thought I had a sexual addiction so I agreed to go to a counselor recommended by her own counselor who dealt with sex addicts and transgender people. He put me through a battery of tests, concluding I could not even attend his support group because my problem was no addiction. She broke a promise by threatening to out me to the kids, but did not do so until I had a chance to visit them one by one. As she had already painted me as a pervert without saying why, they were actually relieved, and one husband even applauded my bravery. None of that changed her mind, as she just figured I was good at getting others to believe my stories, and no one should fall for them. Needless to say, she would never attend my support group meetings, talk to other wives of CDs, or engage with anyone in the LGBT community, believing all such associations were immoral.
Hi Michelle,
I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through that depth of emotional trauma.
I’m so very glad that you are still here, and that you, and your wife were able to work together and find a way to be happy.Big hugs,
💕Lara
-
Thank you Lara for your kind words.
The phrase “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” seems to be real.
Every one of us has a story to tell.
One thing that has stuck with me is my wife saying I try to show her up as a woman because I wear dresses and hose with heels. She rarely wears dresses never wears heels or hose. I went through a phase of wearing similar things to what she wore then I was copying her. So finally we talked it out and it was her and my insecurities fighting each other. Now I can do casual but I still like to get fancy too.
This is something that I fear will happen if my wife ever sees me fully dressed.
She also never wears dresses, heels, or hose. I love short dresses, hose, and stilettos.I can see how it could be hurtful to our SO’s, even when that is certainly not what we intended.
We have talked about it alot and she understands that just because we like different styles doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to her. She has tried some things that were outside her normal style at my request and I have done the same for her. I have even tried some more elaborate guy clothes that I didn’t think I would like at her request. I always shyed away from anything that was remotely feminine because someone might suspect something. She has helped erase that concern.
As I noted on other posts here My wife didn’t find out till after our divorce. When she found out the first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids and threatened to tell my 4 brothers and my mother. Little did she know that this spurred me to tell my brothers myself, come out to many more people, and helped send me down the trans road. If not for her I probably would still only be dressing in my house with only fearfully going out for a drive as Cassie only once or twice a month.
. My thanks to JoAnn-my X Cassie
The day my ex discovered me fully dressed. This is basically what she said.
Throw that stuff away now. This will never happen again. You are sick and I’m going to fix you. This is non-negotiable. Do it or I’ll divorce you.
Over the next few days she laid out her plan. It was essentially conversion therapy. The next 3 years were hell. We got divorced anyway.
It’s the most toxic relationship I’ve been in. I’m glad it ended.
/EA
Too personal and sensitive a question to ask anyone Fiona- and for me too personal to answer, very private and do not wish to share. It brings back so many PTSD moments and flashbacks that not only I remember, but are permanently engraved in my wife’s meomruy for 50 years and will dig up those moments from the past and hurl them back at me in the worst heated CD/ Marriage/ Relationship arguments-( some really bad)
Every time I read relationship posts (crossdresser/trans related), I lose just a little more hope in ever finding a real relationship I’m happy in…. let alone one I’d feel comfortable continuing en femme in. It kinda makes me sad!
While I’ve only dated as a boy, it’s already hard enough on my dates lately when random women blurt out things like “I love your hair, it’s gorgeous”, or “omg, your skin is so beautiful, what’s your skin-care routine”, or “I have to say, you’re a beautiful man”, WHILE I’m out on a darn date. Most of the time, it elicits a “what about my hair? skin? clothes?” response from my date right on the spot.
Keep in mind, when I meet a new potential date, they’re the one’s who say those things to me initially, but they sure don’t like it when other women also take notice.
So, I don’t know anymore… I think I’m destined to be single forever. At least I have Carmen to keep me company.
Dear Carmen
You shouldn’t give up on pursuing relationships and happiness by being with others. The cases that you read about are genuinely sad and upsetting, but there are many of us girls in great relationships also. You will find someone. And since first impressions count for a lot, you certainly have a big advantage over many other girls and people in general – you look gorgeous and happy and confident!
So chin up (and chest out), take a positive high heeled step out to a sweet and loving future.
Hugs
ChristineHi Christine, I appreciate your words and encouragement.
While it may seem I’m fraught with despair in regards to dating, my singleness is really a choice of what I want versus settling just to say I have one.
For the reasons you have listed, I have endless opportunities and potential partners who would gladly be in a full-on relationship with boy me, but it’s me who isn’t “in it”. It would be totally unfair of me, as a person, to pull someone into a relationship with me if I’m not 100% there for them, just for the sake of being in a relationship. It’s not worth it to me to compromise my being at this stage. (Which, of course, potential dates see that as respect, ambition, level headedness, which women find sexy in a man, which then comes full circle back to me to having to justify again why I’m just not “in it”. LMAO.
I’m not complaining, as I know I’m fortunate, but it’s by choice until someone just slams me over the head and I can’t do anything but fall head over heels for this person as they are for me. THAT is worth waiting for.
That’s just it, SILENCE. She doesn’t talk about it. Sometimes emotion “ you’re a freak”, “ you’re a clown”, “ you’re an embarrassment”, “ don’t ever do that”, is better than than nothing. At least I would know her real inner feelings good or bad. Whenever I talk to her, she will listen politely and say she has “not thought of that”, or “ I have no opinion”. Nothing to start any dialogue. I should be grateful she has not hurt me, but the silence is deafening .
Understandably, my wife was also quite resentful I’d kept something so momentous from her for over 40 years! She also tried to be accepting, but I began to realize I am trans abd she said she could never love me romantically as I feminized. Again, I understand that. She married a man, not a transwoman. But it still hurts because we do still love each other a lot. I had just hoped she would love all of me no matter what I looked like, but that was not realistic in this circumstance.
On the plus side, she has always been complementary about my clothes and makeup and hasn’t made any negative comments, except she said a few of my early pictures were “provocative” and she is probably right there. The girl in me couldn’t resist being a bit sexy, with my new-found freedom! (giggle)
Brie
It’s not do much what she said to me but rather something she has done. Since we had “the talk “, she no longer wants to “touch” me. We are still the best of friends, but I miss intimacy. She doesn’t want to talk about it and has no idea just how much it hurts.
None of my wives (I’m on number 3) have really said anything hurtful about my CDing. First wife could not have cared less about my cding, in fact she helped with make-up, etc. Second wife changed her mind on it after a 2 decades and that hurt but it wasn’t anything she said. Third wife it wasn’t words, but a look of disdain once when I came out of the bedroom in a house dress, one she has seen me in many times before. She does make little comments if I see something I like in the shops and comment on it. She is so hot & cold in her reactions it is confusing. I just mostly tune her out now. She is not willing to read or learn anything about crossdressers. She won’t join any wives groups, etc.
first please read my profile. In the last five years my wife has become more distant from participation in my being Laurie. When we first reconnected there existed a thrill for the both of us as we explored everything new for the both of us. She actively participated in selecting better clothes, makeup and everything that made Laurie a more comfortable and presentable lady. The erotic and sensual tiger (or maybe Cougar) roared out from her persona and we far exceeded what the usual 65+ couple would call vanilla. I dress in some way feminine nearly each day and make the complete transformation a least once a week. There has never been a hint of rejection, maybe a comment “Oh this again”.
Last week after listening for the “Nth” time as a radio host morning show blasted the transgender political trends, as they have done nonstop for the last two years. This came out.
“I don’t want you going out on the patio dressed anymore. In fact I want all the drapes closed when you feel like dressing. You can continue doing it just in private. You have f**#ed me up mentally and I can never recover from that. Don’t ask me again to touch you when you’re feminine. Just don’t want it not again not ever!
She has become an advocate for removing any inference of transgender ideology from the schools and the political landscape. Two of her friends are firmly in the same camp.
My ex wife was very good at finding ways to insult and hurt me. I truly believe she enjoyed doing it. All aspects of life were covered but my crossdressing was her favorite target. Sick, perverted, disgusting were some of her favorite words to sling at me. At times it would definitely affect how I felt about myself and make me question everything. She knew that I was sexually abused during two different periods of my childhood and was aware of the lasting issues I will carry for ever. Her lack of empathy is unmatched . When I finally divorced her after 30 plus years she took it upon herself to out me to our children. Other family members, friends and even customers of mine. It felt like I was being abused all over again.
Remarkably through it all my desire to cross dress and feel feminine has been a major comfort and escape even though there were times I felt my crossdressing had ruined my life. I don’t feel that way now and fully accept who I am. I realize the real person with a problem was her.
thanks girlsNatalie💋💋💋
Sorry Natalie for all that happened to you as a child and from the hateful disdain your ex wife exhibited. How did family and friends and others react once she lashed out and outed you to everyone in an act to be cruel and vengeful towards you?
Thank you April,
Ive always been very private as far as crossdressing goes and always thought they being outed would be the worse thing ever. It was difficult at first but life goes on.
most of my true friends are still friends. I have three adult children, two of which have zero contact with me. But I feel much of they has to do with my ex’s smear campaign that include many false and made up things about me beyond the crossdressing. Once these things get out there it’s almost impossible to change peoples mind. My mother never said a thing to me about it.
I’m remarried to a wonderful women and have pretty much moved on from my previous life. But something’s will never healNatalie
My wife has never said anything negative to me. While not exactly supportive, she is indifferent and just accepts that I like to wear women’s clothes. When I said I like to wear panties and bras she simply said it does nothing for her, but they are just clothes and to wear what I want.
She married a man, and I am still a man, I just happen to like wearing women’s things. I understand how a wife can have issues with a CD husband , especially one who is further down the trans spectrum. Also, learning about a husbands secret life after many years would be very troubling. Still, there is no need for hurtful words even if a spouse is displeased. I don’t think I have ever insulted my wife, nor she me after all our years of marriage.
When I first told my SO early in our relationship she just said: Ohh I thought you were ending this relationship so I’m happy its only about you wearing women clothing. She is really supportive and helpfull and don’t mind when I dress, only thing is she told me it scares her when I use makeup and my wig, she told me that she senses a shift in personality in me which makes her uncomfortable. She really likes when we shop together for clothes and sometimes she even buy some clothes for me. Both of us almost always wearing a nightgown when in the bed.
I guess I’m really lucky when I read about all the sadness in this post. My advice to everyone starting a relationship is to tell everything very early and then terminate the relation if in doubt, before getting really serious.
I’m sorry you have such negative views of who we are, Meghan. And it saddens me that you don’t care to entertain a more positive message.
This is a support forum. Many of us suffer from depression and gender dysphoria. We need help. Not bashing.
Your comment is offensive and insulting to anyone that’s trans or has gender issues.
/EA
No offense intended Emily, none. I was speaking only for myself and not painting everyone with the same brush. I too suffer from depression, anxiety, A.D.D and more (where impulsiveness is a characteristic) and can go through mood swings where at times I blurt out things that should not be said not realizing how it may affect others that don’t think like me.
In my own family i have a 19 yr old granddaughter who is F/M trans-gender dysphoric and going through a confusing period in her life as to who and what (sex-or binary) she wishes to be. I will think again before posting negative shoot from the hip comments that may hurt others, Keep me on as a ‘polite lady’, I’m having to much fun enjoying the articles, forums and messages here with CDH sisters and responding.
I genuflex to you Me-Lady !
Meghan B.
Someone said early about this being a “heavy” topic and after reading the comments and stories…it really is but I love that we have CDH to be able to express these feelings.
Acceptance by others – there is a really good article about this topic by Lisa Wilson. It’s worth it to look it up and read it. I could not say it any better. In essence don’t forget that it’s taken most of us a very long time to accept ourselves. It’s not reasonable to expect other to accept it all at light speed when it took us decades. There will be lots of emotions that come out of our loved ones as the6 try to figure it out.
Acceptance by yourself – This is really important and again for many of hard to do. After 50 years in the closet I started to a therapist …after one session many months later I was driving and reflecting on the session and just started bawling. I had to pull over. One of the most intense cry’s I’ve ever had. I finally admitted to myself that I’ve been alone since the age of 8-10…that I was difference…that there was no one like me. I had been pretending that it wasn’t to in essence protect myself mentally. That realization allowed me finally to accept myself. Am I 100% there…not yet but I’m at a pretty high %. That has given me the courage to handle the negative comments and backlash…yes it still hurts but I know I’m a good person. I care more about being a good person and being kind that the average person. We all need to get here! It’s hard to move forward without getting to this place.Lastly we need to help each other. Topics like this help. I read everyone’s comments and I feel for everyone. There’s a lot of emotion in everyone and I can feel the hurt, pain and stress. That being I will tell you I’m proud of who I am….it’s not easy and that doesn’t meant it’s not hard. I’m proud to know all of you even if it’s just through this post. We are good people. We are kind loving people…don’t forget that! If we can help each other, listen to each other and support each other we can all work to get to a place of peace. Love you all!
First wife… Never said anything hurtful, cos I “Owned up” just before the birth of our first child. Hated anything to do with Caty for the whole almost 30 years of our (in later years, very unhappy) marriage.Nvere dressed in front of her and she never saw any photos
Used it all as tool against me with our by then adult daughters when I left her.
Second and loving SO found out about Caty “the hard way”, with various bits of “Caty stuff” being left out where they should not have been. Never seen any photos, never comments. Classic DADT.
Caty.
My ex-wife used to threaten to out me to the kids, my family , friends and co-workers. As well as call me all the typical names we are called. When we did divorce after 25 years, she outed me to our kids, friends and anyone she could bend their ear on. She even tried to have that I would not dress if I had our kids and wanted it in the divorce decree making it a public outing to all. Which I never agreed to!
My current wife has never, nor do I think she will ever say anything negative beyond “she married a man” and would like to see him around as well,
Dear Leah
That is so spiteful of your first wife. I hope it did not lead to any problems and that despite your wife’s viciousness resulted in understanding from others.
On the otherhand your profile photo shows a truly beautiful woman. i would have thought that anyone would have loved having you as a friend and partner.
Hugs
Christine
My wife called our marriage a sham and then shredded our wedding pictures.
11 years later we are still married(in name only) and my wife is somewhat tolerant
and comes to some support group events with me.
But the shredding our our wedding pictures still breaks my heart.
But of course not telling her about my crossdressing and springing it on
her 27 years into our marriage also broke her heart.
Fiona, My SO hasn’t said anything hurtful to me and I don’t really think she would but she also hasn’t said anything positive to me either and in that way, it hurts. I feel sorry for all of you who have had to gone through the times you’ve had, it makes me glad I do have the partner that I have. I wish you all a better journey ahead, with love and understanding.
Sherri
The worst thing my wife said? that would be, I want a separation because of your cross dressing.
Hi Fiona, Thanks for this soul searching topic. I was busy with family stuff and took a little time away from the screens so I put this one on the back burner but I do think that it’s fair for me to reply also. My first wife was perhaps the most cutting with ” you’re not a man” and “I just wanted you to know that I’m taking the house, the kids and the car and leaving with my boss and he’s doing the same to his family and if you don’t screw with me I might leave you a little something later”. And incidentally at the time I didn’t know about my intersex condition and didn’t dress and was responsible and just trying to be as manly as possible. She did all that she said and we were divorced 2 years later leaving me with her words forever burned into my psyche. My current wife of 40+ years has never said anything nasty and has been an ally for the last years that I have been out and learned about my intersex condition and embraced it. She sees everything that I wear and will have comments ranging from “oooh I like that, I’d wear that if it was in my size” (a high complement), “oh that top clashes with the bottom, see if your black body suit works better”, (a medium complement) and “nope, it just isn’t right, you’ve got clashing jewelry and it’s unbalanced, I think that I’ve got a necklace in my dance stuff that should work much better for you, let’s try it” (means don’t wear it until it’s better). So it is possible to have a good supporting partner and I hope that others can be as fortunate as I am. I absolutely never take this relationship for granted and never miss a birthday, holiday, or gift for her (I even buy and wrap them ahead of time so I’m always ready). Having experienced the worst of times, I have no intention of messing up these best of times. So, it seems that there are fantastic partners out there somewhere and if it happened to me then perhaps it can happen for others. Marg
[postquote quote=716368]
Christine, I wish my profile picture was actually me, but it is just a sexy hot lady with great legs! There was some push back from my kids and some other people she told. I just said chalk it up to a scorned soon to be ex-wifeMy ex wife really hurt me when she told me that, I should have found a man to be with instead of ruining her life by pretending to be a real man, she told me that, she could tell that I want to be a man’s girl friend & that the only reason I married her was for her clothes & makeup. The next day she told everyone she worked with & all of our friends about how I wanted to be a woman & be with men, then she sent pictures of me dressed up to my parents & family.
I thought my wife was bad in informing the kids and friends, but yours lowers the bar even further! I hope the saying is true that “what does not kill you will make you stronger.” So sorry! I hope you have managed to find more understanding people who appreciate your true beauty, and, most importantly a supportive woman who can see beneath the lies and love you for who you are.
When I came out to my wife, I made the mistake of saying I wanted to feel feminine. It was probably the wrong thing to say but I have trouble coming up with the right words when I’m nervously shaking like a leaf. While she seemed understanding and accepting at first, her true colors began to show, and I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells.
I don’t remember all her comments and she has sent me running with my tail between my legs countless times as she vented her frustrations. Her best comment to date was “You want to feel feminine, then try spending 40 years of your life having your period.” Another good one was when she threw me under the bus for all the neighbors to hear. I don’t remember what I said to trigger it but out of nowhere she blurted out “You’re trying to get in touch with your feminine side and you have the nerve to say ….” That comment was the last straw and I said that was totally uncalled for. She apologized and the conversation that followed cleared the air and I told her how I really felt.
It’s been a couple of years since that last comment and she is tolerating my lifestyle. Although, I still walk on eggshells because I never know what is going to set her off.
-Robin
- The forum ‘General Chat “Life as it Goes On”’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments