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The chat room here at CDH can sometimes be very enlightening. It can also, however, cause significant reflection.
Recently I saw a member in chat bemoaning that her wife doesn’t support her crossdressing. The wife accepts the CDing while she’s not there but doesn’t want to be part of it nor see her husband dressed “that way”. That’s a common enough situation and sometimes the best that a CD can expect. What appalled me was the member making the comment “If she really loved me she would help me and want to go out with me.”
How can a wife’s inability to accept or understand a crossdressing husband suggest a lack of love? Why is an obvious inner struggle by the wife indicative of lesser feelings than she had before she found out? Can anything the CD says be more selfish?
My friends, human beings all react to things differently. We all have points of view, beliefs and even faiths that are the same as some and different to others. Being different doesn’t make it wrong. How often have we told ourselves that? Why then should a wife not wanting an active part in her husband’s crossdressing be seen as wrong?
Some CDs have come out to friends and family and have lost both. Some wives can’t cope with newfound knowledge and sue for divorce. Others might take some time but eventually feel comfortable enough to be involved in the crossdressing, perhaps by going out or attending support group activities. Still other wives fall into somewhere in the middle.
The fact that this member was able to comment on a wife who was still there, who wanted the marriage to continue and who didn’t demand total abstinence was something the member should have been acknowledging, instead of questioning that woman’s love for her.
I’ll say it again – marriage is a two-way street, no matter who wears what.
I too have a totally non supportive SO however she is aware that I dress and accepts that fact but does require certain rule such as not in her presence nor when she is in the house. To that I am fortunate I at least have opportunities to express Grace. And of course when she is away Grace does have some exciting experiences. I agree with JaneS be happy with what you have not with what you want.
Grace
As I’ve told my children many times, if anybody says, “If you loved me, you would do/say X” then that person is emotionally blackmailing you, and you deserve to be treated better.
That said… I think “if she loved me,” when used outside of the presence of the person being spoken about, could be shorthand for a whole tangle of emotions we feel while working through the various stages. The problem, as you point out Jane, is the implicit baggage that comes along with the phrase.
My general advice to people in this sort of situation is to give their SO time. In most cases, we’ve had years upon years to process the information – including (for a lot of us) going through various phases of denial and such. I think sometimes we forget that once we decide to come out to our SO and other important people in our lives, and then we’re hurt when they aren’t instantly enthusiastic. Give it time. Attitudes can (and do) change. Be loving and caring, and above all be truthful if your SO wants to talk. Maybe they won’t change, because let’s face it – crossdressing is still, on the whole, socially unacceptable unfortunately. But, if you’re caring and thoughtful and truthful as opportunities present themselves, you have a chance to sway their opinion.
I am sad, tonight, because my wife can accept nothing but total abstinence. She says she hasn’t gone anywhere (i.e. she is still in the marriage), but she says she can’t cope with me CDing at all. I told her of my depression on a recent total abstinence experiment and how it made me suicidal. I said that I thought both SRS or my suicide would be equally hard on everyone.
And she said, no, the SRS would be much harder.
🙁
Sarah I am staggered that anyone could suggest that the death of another is a better option than what amounts to personal embarrassment. Your wife’s comment that your suicide would be better than your transition, frankly, is inhumane. Do not accept it, but more importantly, do not believe it.
When I told my wife I was a CD and had been for the (then) 27 years of our marriage she was shocked and probably hurt. When I told her though of my suicide attempt and frequent consideration of suicide her response was “Nothing is worth that. It’s only clothes.” I know it wasn’t as simple as that but she indicated that she preferred to have me as I was, irrespective of what I liked to do. Some time later she put it in clearer words; “I would rather have you with me in a dress than not have you at all.”
I can’t give marriage advice Sarah but I can tell when people are being selfish. Your wife’s comments might have been fomented by her feelings of hurt but they are cruel, unreasonable and hurtful.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
About a year ago, I accepted that MacKenzie was always going to be part of who I am and made the decision to explore this part of my personality after burying it in the closet for twenty plus years. As I slowly began to build my wardrobe, I came to realize that I was happier and less stressed and knew that I could never go back into the closet. This, however, created a new and potentially worse conundrum for me – how would I tell my wife, how would she respond, and how would I handle such a response.
My relationship with my wife has always been built on honesty. Throughout our marriage, we have always taken time each week to discuss how we are feeling and what each could do to for the other. I was now keeping a big secret from her. I knew that I need to disclose and wanted to share this aspect of who I was; I just did not know how, and, to be honest, was terrified of how she would respond. It took me months to find courage to do so. I loss count of how many times that I would start, only to chicken out. Keeping MacKenzie a secret from my wife was also having its told my emotional well-being. The month prior to my actual disclosure, my wife knew something was bothering me and she in her blessed way encouraged me to share, but was willing to give me the time that I needed.
When I finally did share MacKenzie with my wife, she shocked me and prove again why I loved her so much. She accepted that MacKenzie was part of who I was. We spent several hours discussing it that morning, have several more conversations in the months to follow, and will continue to do so for years to come. I would be lying if I said that my wife was not hurt and angry – not because of MacKenzie, but because I had not trusted her enough to share for 9 years that we have been married.
As it took me years to accept MacKenzie myself, it would be wrong to expect my wife to be fully accepting overnight. We continue to discuss how this has and will impact our relationship. We are honest with each other and I am accepting of my wife’s limits. It is my hope that my wife’s understanding and acceptance of this part of who I am will grow in the years to come. Perhaps, it may never grow beyond where it is today and I can accept that. My wife, her love, and our relationship are the most important things in my life. I know that she loves me and that is enough.
MacKenzie
Thanks JaneS,
Well put article and could not agree more!
My wife knows and does not wanna see anything and even gives me space.
We give each other space and respect the boundaries we have to keep our 37+ year marriage intact…and it is only between us or our lives as we know and enjoy it could come to an adrupt end.
I am happy with the boundaries I have to live with…nothing in public…but in private all the space I need…not even complaints when the online orders roll in.
I could ask for nothing more except for my wife’s happiness as well as my own.
Cross dressing for me has always been personal and private…hence fulfilling as it is…always grateful for what I have, and her love for me in putting up with me!
Thanks…Jamielynn
I want to start off by saying that to me all of you are heroes for its never easy to come out to the ones you love and care about. i know that when i told my wife that icrossdress was after she found my stash of lingerie. It was a tough time for our relationship but in time she was ok with it but like so many of you she doesn’t want to know when i do it or see it.
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