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I’ve been struggling with a good bunch o’ heavy topics in my head lately, which at the best have… well, consumed me. Fun fact, in effort to get a little healthier I’ve been walking laps around my yard averaging about 11 thousand steps a day. During this time is my prime ponderin’ time for all sorts of things, from inane and insane to “critical”. Today I was so stuck in a loop thinking that by the end of the day I’d walked more that 20 thousand steps… all while grappling with all possible answers to the questions, “Am I ACTUALLY trans? Am I just enamored with my little piece of the female form? Should i consider transitioning? etc.”
Now i understand that I ‘m ultimately the only one who can answer those questions (as well as the ones not mentioned) but if I may quote a video game character, “Important decisions should not be made in a vacuum…” and honestly i could use a tad bit a help…
I know I’m asking for something intensely personal, and I won’t fault you for not answering… heck i can’t fault you for calling me out on it either but… if there is anybody here who identifies as trans, or as gone through HRT and/or gender reassignment surgery (I think it’s called something else now but labels seem to change to fast for me to keep up now…) I would deeply appreciate the extra perspective, cause at the moment this all seems as clear as a muddy pond… filled with milk.
I hope all of you have a wonderful day, and thanks either way.
Nikky
That is a very good question, Nikki, and one I have pondered myself, while I don’t care for labels, I wonder how to label myself.
While I have not transitioned, in any way, I have become so much more the female me, I believe I am trans-gender, but unsure of what that means.
As I have said before, I am lesbian gay, if anything, but each day I feel more womanly than male,than the day before, so where do I end up?
still pondering,
Regi👸💕Hi Nickky That is a question that is best answered in sister site TGH. I do identify as a trans woman but i am still very much a cross dresser also. I believe if I chose to live as a woman full time for a year. I mean work ,play, talking with grandchildren, family outings and getting HRT to help with my dysphoria. When i do that I will make future decisions based on how I feel. But until then I identify with both a cross dresser and trans woman. I never identified with a man I was told I was a man and acted accordingly my whole life.
Luv Stephanie
I don’t think I can put a certain point in my life that I first realized that I was ‘wrong’ and needed/wanted/yearned to not be a boy.
The first time I saw myself in the mirror the day my sis first dressed me, I do remember the statement “That’s me…” but I don’t know if it was a question or a statement, or a truthful acceptance.
At 10 or 11, I acquired my first bra. It was one of my sisters trainers I rescued from the waste basket, as mom had taken her JC Penny’s and bought her her first actual real bras. It actually made me feel like I needed, secure, complete, ‘right’.
By 14 or 15, I had accepted how I should have been and wished very hard for it to happen one night while I was asleep, but we all know how that goes. I was spending a huge amount of time girl watching, but not for the same reasons other boys did, but to learn. I knew that I wasn’t attracted to them, and was vaguely aware of gay/queer aspects to some guys, back then there was no bi, you were either queer or straight, no in between.
When I finally admitted to myself and accepted the fact that I was not straight, so many feelings and desires seemed to just fall into place and things got more right. I also knew that I wasn’t going to be involved with other males as a male. I didn’t feel male at all, and I knew that presenting as a girl was how I was supposed to be. By my late teens, more information was slowly showing up about how/what/why I felt and thought the way I did. (Thank you Phil Donahue).
So, for me it was a process. A slow one, yes, but I had to find myself more or less by myself, to make it where I am. No regrets, no apologies. I am who I am, and happy to be here.
PaulaF
Hi Nikki! That’s something many of us go through…. I would call myself a non (physically) transitioned transgender and I came out to my family as such. It’s funny, I was worried about it sinking in with them and didnt realize it had to sink in with me too. That feeling of “Am I doing the right thing”? Then I think back to my childhood and all the years I would daydream of having been born a girl – so yes, I’m doing the right thing alright!
Stevie
I have pondered this question many times. I am going to answer this from a different angle. Transgender is a label. Labels can be confining. If I had to choose a label, I would choose transgender. The way I think about this is, as long as I can remember, I have been female. At some point in my future, I will open the door for her to step out into the world permanently. I will define how and when this happens. It will be on my own terms.
Eva
Hi Nikki, I have very little experience here and shouldn’t really presume to be in a position to help. But that’s never stopped me before…. 🙂
Reading your post and, just as important, your profile, it is apparent that you are a deeply thoughtful, introspective person. The feelings you have reach way back to childhood, but the expression of those feelings are just now being made manifest (if I read that correctly).
My thoughts? Like most things in life, let it evolve. No need to rush. Enjoy and savor each little new thing. Find a style, a sense of being that’s comfortable to you. Let the journey itself bring you happiness. The goal is not in reaching “what” you are but in learning “who” and “how” you are.
I am envious of your place in time. You are young. Plenty of time to develop, change, grow. You are old. Old enough anyway to make your own choices. Old enough to be confident that this is your life, to live as you choose. Such a sweet spot to be in.
Finally, come back to CDH often. This is where your kindred spirits are.
Best to you,
Clara-
Nikky I can relate on some level but have also made peace with who and what I am. When I was around 9 or 10 I told my mom I wanted to be a girl when I grew up. That conversation went very poorly and I learned to hide my feminine desires. As a teen and through my life I have cross dressed to feel “right”. In my 40’s my wife and I had many problems due to this and we talked a LOT. I did finally admit openly I was transgender to her and myself and she has accepted at some level. She knows all about my dressing and girl time, yet doesn’t want to be involved. I dress in a fairly feminine androgynous fashion and we both accept that as the acceptable limit as we have children and professions to consider. Accepting and acknowledging what I am has given me peace and although I would love to live full time as a woman I also know the time to do so has passed due to my responsibilities. With all this said, being a transgender woman is as much in my heart and soul as body and I can live mostly happy and content. There are many unintended consequences to coming out and or transitioning that require lots of hard and serious contemplation. I wish you the best in finding peace and making the right choice for you, but be conscientious of the fact that once the cat is out of the bag, it will be hard to go back as it will be public and those that know will not forget even if you should decide that was not the right choice for you. Good luck!
🍷C
Thanks to all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to help. I really wish I could formulate a response that doesn’t just boil down to “Bad past, bad me” but I definitely want you all to know that this helps. From what everybody has said it seems my struggles come not from defining myself as trans in the broader sense, but rather what the definition of trans means to me. I’ve never cared about labels, the definition changes so often that most seem to have changed by the time I’m almost ready to use them… not to mention the changes to the positive AND negative connotations at the same time…
The spot my gear is stripped seems to be that *my* definition of “trans” means that you have a problem, and should be seeking solutions to said problem with both courage and fervor. That things as they are are no longer/never were good enough. Not that you are “wrong” or “bad” or any other negative, but simply put; “you” are a square peg, trying desperately to fit in a round hole and need to decide whether to shave yourself to fit or widen the hole… Because something’s gonna break otherwise.
As scary as it seems, I guess I have my answer now… whether I like it or not something must change. Lol probably a lot of somethings.
OH as a little aside, I don’t hold others to MY definitions… please understand that I don’t think less of anyone else for defining all this a different way or “not trying to live up to MY DEFINITION”. I admire anyone who has the courage to proudly wear the label and envy those who have the serenity to find peace within it’s grasp.
And most of all I deeply respect those who answered me when I called. Thank you truly and dearly.
Nikky
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