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It’s been just over five weeks since I returned to CDH. I appreciate how welcoming everyone has been, and the renewed support of so many friends here. I have to say that I am very comfortable with my feminine side now and feeling pretty good about who and what I am. However, as I have gotten more comfortable, I find myself with a new problem to address. I am wondering where I am going to draw the line as it relates to my cross-dressing.
I don’t know exactly how I got to be cross-dresser. I know that I didn’t just decide one day that I wanted to wear women’s clothes. It all started with a curiosity that I felt. As a teenager, I would watch women. In addition to finding them sexually attractive, I wondered what it is like to wear the various clothes that they wore. That curiosity is what led me to try on some lingerie. Having satisfied that curiosity and enjoying the experience, I next felt curious about wearing dresses, skirts, blouses, sweaters, shoes, etc. Over time, I satisfied the curiosity I felt about all of those things. Again, I enjoyed wearing those things. I enjoyed wearing them so much that I wanted to continue dressing up. As I continued to dress, I decided that I didn’t just want to be a guy in a dress. I wanted to look, act and sound like a woman. That led me getting a wig, make-up, jewelry, shoes, breast forms and body shaper, and practicing walking, talking and behaving like a woman. You can see what happened. The more I dressed, the more I wanted to dress. The better I got at presenting myself as a woman, the more I tried to improve my presentation even further. Once I satisfied myself that I was passable, I wanted to go out in public. I’ve done that on a couple of occasions, visiting a CD/TG friendly boutique in my area. Next, I want to go out to a bar or night club and socialize en femme. But, there is another curiosity that has cropped up as I have been honing my feminine image and enjoying my Stephanie time, and it has me concerned. I am wondering what it would be like to go out with a man, to be treated like a lady by him and… Well, use your imagination. As a guy, I have no interest in men. This creates quite an internal conflict. To make things more complicated, there is a wife who must be considered. I didn’t disclose on my profile that I have a wife. There’s a reason for that. Here’s the story. I got married before I realized that I was a cross-dresser. I tried to quit many times and realized that I couldn’t do it. I came out to my wife, hoping that she would be accepting of this side of me. Instead, she rejected it. She made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with my cross-dressing. I made another attempt at quitting, for her. That ended like every other attempt I’ve made at quitting, so I brought up the subject again. While still making it clear that she wanted nothing to do with my cross-dressing, she did concede that I could do what I needed to do, as long as I kept it away from her. With her rejecting my feminine side, I’ve never felt that Stephanie is really part of the marriage. As Stephanie, I refer to her as “the wife”. In guy mode, she is “my wife”. So far, those have just been words, and helped me explain my relationship with the wife. In the context of where cross-dressing could lead me next, it makes things very difficult for me. On one hand, she wants nothing to do with Stephanie and essentially told me I could do what I wanted to do as long as she doesn’t know about it. On the other hand, no matter how I try to rationalize things, she and I are married, and I doubt she ever imagined that I could be thinking about the things that I’m now considering.
So, here I am, a cross-dresser who has come to accept his feminine slowly, over time, first dipping a toe into the pool, then wading in as I found it to my liking with each step into deeper and deeper water. Where am I going to stop? I don’t know. Curiosity has driven me this far. I’ve enjoyed every experience to date. I might not enjoy the next one, but I won’t know until I do it. But, when I do it, it can never be undone. If I act on my curiosity, it could lead to a wonderful life fully embracing my femininity, or, it could lead to regret and pain for myself and others. There’s only one way to find out. But, maybe there are some things that are better left undiscovered.
If I choose not to act on my curiosity, what kind of difficulty will I have if I continue with cross-dressing? Will I be strong enough to fight the temptation? Do I need to fight the temptation to act on my curiosity? Would it really cause any harm if I enjoyed my femininity to the nth degree? If I think it would, and I don’t think I could fight the temptation to do it while continuing to cross-dress, should I quit? Could I quit? I haven’t been able to so far.
There are so many questions, and no easy answers. Do any of you have thoughts on my situation? Have you been through something similar? Would you mind sharing your thoughts and/or experiences? I would appreciate any feedback you care to give. I’m not asking anyone to tell me what I should do. I have to make my own decision. I would just like to learn from others’ experience if I can. Thank you.
I don’t have any advice for you but I will tell you I am in a similar boat. I am just a notch over from you. My wife is accepting of my crossdressing but I am considering HRT and SRS eventually. My wife sees my crossdressing as just clothes so far. I have done nothing permanent so far and what I look like isn’t why she loves me. I am scared of losing her if I go too far. I have told her I wouldn’t look at HRT for a year and I think that has helped both of us. I have a beard and my wife likes it because I have an asymmetrical face and the beard hides a lot of it. With Covid I have been able to go out en femme without having to lose the beard to do it. When do I decide to lose the beard so I don’t have my own dysphasia over who I really am? If I transform completely to a woman will I lose her? She says no, again what I look like isn’t why she loves me. She is not gay but our relationship isn’t based on sex.
I am sorry, this kinda got away from me but I hope you can see you are not alone in wondering what the future holds and how far any of this can and will be taken. Take strength in knowing you are not alone and the people on here are very experienced and helpful when you need it. I wish you and your wife the best through this.Huggs Stephanie
I don’t have answers, just my thoughts…. personally, I am still attracted to women, so grace dating men is never happening. but would grace go partying with a group of girls from CDH…you bet!!!
The question is, do you really love your wife?, because it’s so unfair to her if you want to take that next step and date men…where does that leave your marriage….you mention dipping your toe in the water, then wading in….you so need to think carefully because the next choice you make could be the difference between swimming and drowning!!.
Just my thoughts honey, nothing more, because at the end of the day, and after all the advice in the world…it’s YOUR decision..
best wishes always, grace xx
Its no doubt that dressing has a strong and sometimes overwhelming allure. The emotional high can blind us to the perils of temptation. However the reality of our lives, is what it is. For me I have others to consider (wife ,kids & GK). I am not going thru this life alone so I have to consider the others. My balance is enjoying my dressing when I can. There are many great pleasures in life but enjoying them with moderation and within my means helps keep it sensible and helps me to stay grounded.
Hey Stephanie, no advice here, and you already know a little of my backstory. Like you and most other girls I’ve been thro the purge/buy/purge/buy cycle many times. I have been lucky so far that my wife is coming to terms with what I only recently discovered I was. Once I’d told her about my dressing and started seeing a therapist it became clear that it was something else entirely. I also realised that there was no undoing to be done; I could carry on in private, she could leave, or we could learn to embrace it together.
I’m now 10 days into my hrt.Like Cassie our relationship isn’t a really physical one, but there is still the issue of how she will feel if I’m en femme f/t, or maybe more importantly how she feels she will be judged….
Buuut, I’ve not been this calm for a long time, I’m not getting the regular anxiety induced chest pains if the past couple of years, and I’m more content with my current role as homemaker.
sending huge hugs and chocolate your way. I hope you can find a path through; this way of ours isn’t an easy one, but the world is undoubtedly a better place for girls like us being in it.
Seren xx
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Stephanie I preface this with the fact this is how I have dealt with my reality and not the words of someone who has anything figured out. It has been a long life for me of understanding and discovery of who and what I am. I am fortunate to have a wife I love and loves me. I also have children and other family members to consider in my decisions as do you. Over the last 20+ years through many ups/downs, talks, arguments and very special moments my wife and I have discovered and accepted I am much further on the tg spectrum than cd. We also know we love each other dearly and want to be together and be there for our children. So, we had to find ways to exist together, all THREE of us (her, and both me’s).
Dressing has been the area of difficulty. I regularly as every day attire wear women’s underwear, slacks, jeans, tshirts, blouses, sweaters, dansko’ (shoes), etc… My look is very effeminate and androgynous yet allows me to express my femininity and function as a “man”. I do get my girl time and go out fully dressed and made up but my wife doesn’t want to be a part of that, however I do not hide, lie or deceive her about when and what I do.
I have had laser on my legs, arms, face and underarms, as well as keeping my brows trimmed and shaped. My nails are kept slightly long, shaped and clear coated and my toenails are trimmed and painted a nice neutral color that can be feminine in open toe shoes or well groomed in man mode.
Now the tough part, relationships. If I were being truly honest I would say the “thrill” of being treated like a woman by a man is far more alluring than having one of those hairy annoying beasts actually involved in my life. That said, any relationship requires being the priority in all aspects. I have failed miserably in the past with this, yet through the unlimited love and acceptance of my wife I have grown and learned how real love and real openness and honesty in a relationship can create wonderful things. If you dip your toe in the water you are already leaving your own pool and what you do can’t be undone and will always taint your pools water either with lies or hurt. When you’re wife gave you permission to explore your femininity, be honest with thine own self, was she talking about clothes, makeup and shoes or living your own life as a single woman? My wife once gave me the best advice I ever received on my dressing; Behave, act and dress like a proper, middle age, married lady.
Before you do something that cannot be undone, make sure it is the direction you want to go. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out well. Just be careful and conscientious of each step you take.
🍷C While I’m not nearly close to where you are in CD, many of your thoughts and feelings closely mirror my own.
My SO is aware of my ‘curiosity’ regarding men, and we’ve discussed it many times.
That being said, I would treat that as a violation of the promise I made when I married her whether it’s a man or a woman.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be dealing with that turmoil mostly on your own, my heart hurts for you and I hope CDH is able to help you find some measure of peace. Rei
Hi Stephanie.
I wrote you the private message, so you know my feelings on this subject. Like most everyone has said here, the decision is truly your but I urge you to think long and hard about this. With the conversations we have had over the time we have known each other, I believe you to be an honorable person and wish you nothing but happiness. I, along with all the other girls on CDH, are here for you. The comments back have been truly inspirational… for me too. There are some wise and deeply caring people here willing to give of themselves for others. Pretty impressive.
Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts with us.
Hugs…Dana
Your problem is Stephenie wants to feel loved seen appreciated and admired in that way only women can be, The rejection your wife has given has shut the door to you finding it from her and bolted that door tight.
Your now subconsciously looking to replace what you wanted from your wife and realising a very simple truth that being fem you will hands down be excepted in the way you want by men. The none exeptence of your wife has done nothing but destroy your idea that you could ever be excepted in that way by a women, And to be honest your not looking on replacing her.
The fact your wife gave you her consent to dress behind her back so to speak certainly will not mean she is ok for your fem side to do as she pleases as I am sure she has very little understanding to what you are doing or wants to under the circumstances.
It may be of little help but understanding why you feel the way you do may help in you realising what you want to do rather then others telling you to.
Please remember tho in all this the woman you married is an innocent by stander so to speak and there’s nothing in the rule book that says she has to tolerate or except what you do in any way shape or form, that was an unfavorable roll of the dice in your case. So think would you have cheated on her before you started dressing ? would she be devastated if you cheated on her, I think you no the answer to this crossdressing doesn’t give anyone the right to cheat anymore then being bisexual dose,
I hope you figure everything out hun I really do feel for you this life isn’t always lipgloss silk and satin there’s quite a lot of ruined mascara along the way and that can be doubled where marriage is concerned,
Hi Stephanie, it’s always difficult to give advice, and many girls on here are indeed interested and attracted to men as they are other girls CDs.. It’s only human nature that we crave physical contact as well as emotional. To dip your toe as you say, with a real man is certainly a relationship breaker with most SOs. My advice would be to concentrate on your relationship with your wife, if that fails, and you end up single, then dip your toes. Also I would definitely decide if you going forward with CD/ing or the full transition. But I would definitely get my life in order, before adding sexual encounters to the mix.
Thank you, all, for your comments. I knew I could count on the ladies of CDH to help me. Claire Woods, I can definitely relate to your discussion of Stephanie wanting to feel loved and appreciated. That is something that I’ve thought about.
One other thing that may be contributing to thoughts about being with a man is the desire to be passable as a woman. One could certainly argue that being seen as sexually attractive by a man is the pinnacle of being passable.
While I presented my situation in my original post as if I could go either way when it comes to pursuing or not pursuing a relationship with a man, I was actually leaning toward not doing it. As I continued thinking about my situation and considered all of your input, I am now certain that, with everything as it is right now, I could not be anything more than a friend to a man.
Hi Stephanie I read your post I do understand your desire to be with a man. Like so many woman cis or otherwise we all want our true identity confirmed. Having a men attracted to you while you are dressed and feeling cute and pretty can be the best feeling any woman can get. It does not matter if you are attracted to men. The fact they find you attractive as a woman is very exciting and be very addicting. I did not get married until my late twenties. I did not find men attractive at all. I loved they were attracted to me. It confirmed my identity was real. I have said it before You do not need a man to confirm your feminine identity. You can get that confirmation from those here at CDH or being out shopping for cute single pieces and complete outfits getting compliments from cis woman on your choices of clothing. One of the many things i love about being connected to the female gender is their is no shortage of compliments on anything new or how pretty something looks on you. What helps a lot is to find find a club or even start a club that you can get together and organize outings to dinner and even visit night clubs together [never go out alone]. There are always men that have a attraction to those of us who enjoy expressing them selves in the fem. Including men in your desire to get confirmation of your feminine identity can only lead to trouble even danger. The guilt and shame that comes with breaking a marriage vow can only add to your guilt that comes from our CDing. No one said life would be fair for anyone and it was not fair for us who only want to confirm our inner identity even if it is only sometimes. Be safe and honer your vows to those you love.
Luv Stephanie
Stephanie
I think Amanda Burton had a very good point, and that is I think regardless about going out and/or being attractive to men, you need to settle things with your wife. At least what Im hearing, she doesnt want to know Stephanie exists…well thats tough because Stephanie does exist, and she needs support.
So its a lot of thinking and decision making to be done and sit down with her and have a long talk. Like Amanda also said, if you wind up on your own, so be it, but you’ll at least be able to make yourself a top priority.
xo – Robyn
Hi, many years ago my wife and i began having fantasy nites to liven up our lives. I had stopped beng a cd girl foralmost 20 years. Her fantasies soon became about me with men. We both had fun with it. She asked if i wouuld like to be with a man for real. I admitted i did. She asked if i was going to and i said yes unless you tell me not to. She smiled got up and left the room, so I did and when she asked if i had i admitted i had and she made me tell her about my date. At the end of my story she said oh my you are like the wife in a gay relationship. Well within a month i was fullyy dressing again. That statement flooded my mind with feminine feelings and i coudlnt resist. So be careful, once you go down that road its hard to come back.
Hi Stephanie,
I’m not trained to offer advice for your situation, but this is how it see it: Crossdressing may destroy a marriage, but cheating on a spouse almost certainly will destroy it; and adding another person to your intimate life is cheating. I suspect your desire to be accepted and loved (?) as Stephanie is what tempts you, not a sexual attraction to men. If your wife would recognize Stepanie’s existence, the issue would resolve itself – but that’s a tough nut to crack. Your evolution of Dressing is much like mine, and I think I could be Bettylou full-time if it were possible…but I know I can’t. I am, however, blessed with an accepting wife, and that makes a big difference in my state of happiness.
I think — I hope that if you could be accepted in person by other CDs, and casually pass in public, that would satisfy your need. And remember, you don’t have to be perfect in order to pass; Lord knows, I’m not.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Hi Stephanie. I’m no expert but I’m in a similar situation. I’m married to my beautiful wife + we have kids. If I was single there is a very good chance I would have transitioned by now but I’m not and my family means everything to me + some times I like being male to ( if I was born a girl 👧 I would be a sexy tomboy). I have binged and purged, argued and made up and also felt jealous of my wife for being a woman . My wife doesn’t accept my cross dressing, she has tried from time to time but she is worried about what people will think if they find out and how it could affect the kids if someone found out which is also my biggest fear. I agree that the pink fog gets pretty thick some times ( sometimes I can’t even see past my bra) but you have to think about the others in your life. Marriage is a partnership ,people change and you may or may not live happily ever after but you owe it to each other to be faithful, loving, open and accepting to each other and give it your best shot. Stephanie I hope all works out for you and your wife and my rambling wasn’t to much and remember we are always here for you. Dani👩🏻🔧xoxo
First of all, your story is one I must have read anywhere from 50 to 100 times, maybe more. A lot anyway.
The first key element to consider is that your cross-dressing arose from curiosity about women. I feel that most males share that curiosity. What few people (if any) seem to consider is that there are other means to satisfy that curiosity (like ask them) but a relatively small, but significant, proportion of males satisfy that curiosity by first replicating them then by becoming one of them. The question is where does this desire to be feminine, to be a woman, come from.
Another element of motivation is one that you allude to yourself. “As Stephanie, I refer to her as “the wife”. In guy mode, she is “my wife”.” That is the desire for feminine companionship is fulfilled by creating that femininity in ourselves. Again the question becomes why that mode of fulfilling that particular desire?
It is my belief that, in some males, there is a prenatal, genetically activated predisposition to being feminine. The intriguing thing is that while most females are feminine because they ‘go along to get along’ (just as some males are masculine for much the same reason), there is a portion of the female population that feel the need to be especially feminine taking a larger interest in fashion and techniques of beautification than most females really want to on a full-time basis. I suspect that the proportion of females really into femininity is similar to the proportion of males who are also really into femininity.
So, basically, a heightened interest into being feminine is a human thing not really confined to one sex or the other. It just seems so because social mores place restrictions on behaviour.
From this point-of-view your desires are natural, relatively common actually and by fulfilling them you have enhanced and reinforced your motivations and need to respond to deeply embedded instincts. Endorphins and other mood-enhancing biochemicals may act positively in that reinforcement.
This is not going away. You have gone through the mirror and you are not in Kansas anymore.
As for your difficulties with your spouse, I really have no response. Intellectually I comprehend ( and even sympathize with) her problems but feel that those problems are based on fears created by ignorance and the only remedy is knowledge. But some people simply will not accept rationality and prefer to maintain their illusions of orderliness with ignorance and denial. The resulting animosity may be insurmountable.
I do not understand many of the ‘rules’ concerning sex and marriage that are obviously harmful and which lead to acrimony and pain and an eventual and hate-filled separation. I do understand the primal need many people have for security and companionship that is the basis for those ‘rules’ but I also see them as being futile in the face of rational and objective considerations of modern situations and technology. The rather rabid and patriarchal sequestration and cloistering of females in order to limit male access throughout History combined with the terrible prevalence of rape culture seems mindless and mind-boggling.
Araminta.
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