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It’s been just over five weeks since I returned to CDH. I appreciate how welcoming everyone has been, and the renewed support of so many friends here. I have to say that I am very comfortable with my feminine side now and feeling pretty good about who and what I am. However, as I have gotten more comfortable, I find myself with a new problem to address. I am wondering where I am going to draw the line as it relates to my cross-dressing.
I don’t know exactly how I got to be cross-dresser. I know that I didn’t just decide one day that I wanted to wear women’s clothes. It all started with a curiosity that I felt. As a teenager, I would watch women. In addition to finding them sexually attractive, I wondered what it is like to wear the various clothes that they wore. That curiosity is what led me to try on some lingerie. Having satisfied that curiosity and enjoying the experience, I next felt curious about wearing dresses, skirts, blouses, sweaters, shoes, etc. Over time, I satisfied the curiosity I felt about all of those things. Again, I enjoyed wearing those things. I enjoyed wearing them so much that I wanted to continue dressing up. As I continued to dress, I decided that I didn’t just want to be a guy in a dress. I wanted to look, act and sound like a woman. That led me getting a wig, make-up, jewelry, shoes, breast forms and body shaper, and practicing walking, talking and behaving like a woman. You can see what happened. The more I dressed, the more I wanted to dress. The better I got at presenting myself as a woman, the more I tried to improve my presentation even further. Once I satisfied myself that I was passable, I wanted to go out in public. I’ve done that on a couple of occasions, visiting a CD/TG friendly boutique in my area. Next, I want to go out to a bar or night club and socialize en femme. But, there is another curiosity that has cropped up as I have been honing my feminine image and enjoying my Stephanie time, and it has me concerned. I am wondering what it would be like to go out with a man, to be treated like a lady by him and… Well, use your imagination. As a guy, I have no interest in men. This creates quite an internal conflict. To make things more complicated, there is a wife who must be considered. I didn’t disclose on my profile that I have a wife. There’s a reason for that. Here’s the story. I got married before I realized that I was a cross-dresser. I tried to quit many times and realized that I couldn’t do it. I came out to my wife, hoping that she would be accepting of this side of me. Instead, she rejected it. She made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with my cross-dressing. I made another attempt at quitting, for her. That ended like every other attempt I’ve made at quitting, so I brought up the subject again. While still making it clear that she wanted nothing to do with my cross-dressing, she did concede that I could do what I needed to do, as long as I kept it away from her. With her rejecting my feminine side, I’ve never felt that Stephanie is really part of the marriage. As Stephanie, I refer to her as “the wife”. In guy mode, she is “my wife”. So far, those have just been words, and helped me explain my relationship with the wife. In the context of where cross-dressing could lead me next, it makes things very difficult for me. On one hand, she wants nothing to do with Stephanie and essentially told me I could do what I wanted to do as long as she doesn’t know about it. On the other hand, no matter how I try to rationalize things, she and I are married, and I doubt she ever imagined that I could be thinking about the things that I’m now considering.
So, here I am, a cross-dresser who has come to accept his feminine slowly, over time, first dipping a toe into the pool, then wading in as I found it to my liking with each step into deeper and deeper water. Where am I going to stop? I don’t know. Curiosity has driven me this far. I’ve enjoyed every experience to date. I might not enjoy the next one, but I won’t know until I do it. But, when I do it, it can never be undone. If I act on my curiosity, it could lead to a wonderful life fully embracing my femininity, or, it could lead to regret and pain for myself and others. There’s only one way to find out. But, maybe there are some things that are better left undiscovered.
If I choose not to act on my curiosity, what kind of difficulty will I have if I continue with cross-dressing? Will I be strong enough to fight the temptation? Do I need to fight the temptation to act on my curiosity? Would it really cause any harm if I enjoyed my femininity to the nth degree? If I think it would, and I don’t think I could fight the temptation to do it while continuing to cross-dress, should I quit? Could I quit? I haven’t been able to so far.
There are so many questions, and no easy answers. Do any of you have thoughts on my situation? Have you been through something similar? Would you mind sharing your thoughts and/or experiences? I would appreciate any feedback you care to give. I’m not asking anyone to tell me what I should do. I have to make my own decision. I would just like to learn from others’ experience if I can. Thank you.
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