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Hi all,
I’m Sarah. Well I am here and to one other person I trust, but to the rest of the world I haven’t transitioned that far. To those few who know about my dressing, its just a clothing thing (and it is for the most part) and for my significant other she’s not sure.
So back ground. I live in New Zealand (Canterbury) and am in my 40s. Been cross dressing for ever it seems with large expanses of time between opportunities sometimes. I have memories of wanting to play dress ups with my sisters and being told I couldn’t, so I used to sneak into the clothing pile and do it secretly. When I got too big for my sisters stuff I “borrowed” Mums stuff for my hasty dressing sessions and for a while that was fine.
Then I joined the military and left home so no time for that side of me. It was about that time I guess I buried any and all attempts to dress, as too hard and “just a phase”. I met a great lady some years later and we moved in and soon married. For a while I carried on as I always had, but one day I noticed some laundry out and I tried on her clothes and underwear – hooked again. After 3 years of sneaking I finally opened up about this thing I did and she seemed fine with it. We shopped and bought some clothes and underwear for me. We even went to a specialist store that would dress you up (in private) so I could go fully made up and dressed.
What a day that was. I was so nervous and eventually when I was dressed up (albeit not in my style – I’m a touch conservative – too ‘hookerish’ was the title my wife gave it) i felt great. I looked great (almost anyway) and for the first time I realised this was what I wanted.
Later that day she told me that she didnt really like it as I looked too different and for her I had lost something of myself. She said if I wanted to keep doing it that she didnt really want to know about it. Dont ask dont tell sort of thing. For a long time (22 years) that was fine and during that time I regularly purged because I didnt want to do this any more (who hasnt?), but eventually I just bought new stuff.
Recently we seperated (wife had an affair – not dressing related, just a life choice she made) and for a period of time I was a broken man. My life sucked and I really didnt want to be me. So I started to dress again. This time I jumped right in. I was home alone so had no one to answer too and boy did I go nuts. I shaved my legs (for cycling of course…) and took more care of my skin and appearance. I shopped in second hand stores and online (I now have a large selection of clothes I love and its growing – yay for me!!). I put all my stuff in the wardrobe on hangers and for 3 months I lived the life I had craved. I did go a little crazy and bought a few things I now look at and shake my head, but mostly Im now sane – LOL.
I used makeup and a wig to embrace “Sarah” during this time and she became a very important coping mechanism for me. I found my time as Sarah gave me clarity in my otherwise broken life and started to piece things back together. Sure I swung what I would say was too far towards Sarah but now Im more back in the middle. For a while I actually enjoyed the time I was separated and even thought about my future double life (me at work and to the world and Sarah at home).
Then I made the decision to ask my wife back, which she did after a few weeks of discussions. Im glad she is back and we are working things out slowly.
Of course that meant I had some explaining to do. I was straight up with her when I talked to her and told her most of what had happened and although I left out some details as I could see she was struggling. I have when the time is right been talking about these omissions and we are nearly there.
So here I sit, in a navy blue skirt, a yellow top, tan peep toe heels with purple toes, introducing myself to the world.
Hi World.
Welcome Sarah what a nice intro you have written. I am glad that you and you wife are trying to work things out. I hope you do.It is wonderful when you have a partner who understands ,loves, and helps you.The girls in the chat room are so nice and helpful, any question you have will get lots of replies as we are all here for one another. Hope you join us girls in the chat room often. HUGS JRNNIFER1
Hi Sarah, welcome to CDH!
Thank you for sharing your story, and rest assured, you will find support here. Your introduction is brief, but, there is a lot going on in your life today, and in trying to figure out where you want to be tomorrow!
Speaking from personal experience, I didn’t begin to feel comfortable in my own skin until I was in my early 40’s. Looking in my life’s rear view mirror at age 39, I could speculate that I was at where I was at because of this, or that; but ultimately for me, I had to surrender to the moment and just accept myself and where I was at!
The message I seem to be getting from your lovely intro is that you are comfortable and at peace with being, Sarah! It took a lot of courage to ask your wife back into your life, Sarah, and through your mutual commitment, I hope things work out.
Trust yourself girlfriend, your wife’s affair had nothing to do with Sarah. Your asking her back into your life, and forgiving her (note: “forgiveness” is a very powerful term – if you forgive your wife for this transgression, the matter is resolved – period; it can’t be used as a reference in any future conversation – period) for this decision of hers, that resulted in pain for you, well, it speaks volumes about your character Sarah. Who wouldn’t want you as a girlfriend or a life partner?
Spoiler alert! The “working things out thing” will probably be slower than you both would like, more painful than you both would like, and “success” (are you far enough along to both agree on what that even looks like?) may, or may not be a possible outcome. There are a lot of issues between you two (exclusive of Sarah) that need to be resolved.
People and relationships are very complex. I’m not you. I’m not your wife. I’m not a therapist. Your brief introduction suggests you are a beautiful woman Sarah, and you need to accept that. Please give serious thought to how “success” should include your wife’s acceptance of Sarah.
Mattie
Wow thanks ladies.
Hugs to you all.
Hi Sarah and welcome to CDH
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