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Hi girls!
so after years of cross dressing and having no where to talk about it I told my therapist about it this week. I wasn’t sure where to go with it. I’m pretty sure I’m not trans (though I do sometimes fantasize about being a woman it isn’t the all the time feeling I understand when you are trans. I also am not a fetishized cross dresser, I do sometimes get a sexual thrill from it but now it’s much more about what I feel comfortable and “at home” wearing. So I’m not sure where to go with the conversation with my therapist but it felt good to talk about with another human.
I have told my wife and she lets some small pieces of clothing into the bedroom sometimes but it’s all around sex and I really want to be able to dress how I feel most comfortable (skirts, hose, dresses, or heels 😉). But that feels far away so I’m in this place of opening up more and not knowing where to go with it.
has anyone else ever been in this spot? What did you do? How do I embrace my entire self in a broader way?
thanks in advance for any help or experiences you can share.
XoxoxoAmelia
Hi Amelia nice to meet you and wish you all the luck in sorting this out .. As I have been out to my wife for 37 years just after we got married i came out with some conversations she has supported Stephanie and as you say its not all about sex as i wont turn it down he he , but wife for many years allways thought it was till a few years ago it finally struck her .. I love being Stephanie and sitting around cuddling her and just the thrill of being Stephanie is ok with me as like i said she finally say that and a light bulb went off and its been better for her to understand.. We still have girly talks as i have told her just being a woman talking to her as one is so much pleasure but im not turning down the bedroom fun either ha ha good luck hun ..
Stephanie Bass
Thanks Stephanie,
I’m wondering how you got to a place with your wife where she was comfortable with you just being Stephanie in her presence. Mine accepts Amelia but doesn’t have an interest (or just isn’t in a place yet) where she is comfortable with seeing me in anything more than a few pieces of underthings in the bedroom. How do I try to make her more comfortable with just being and relaxing as Amelia?
xoxox
Amelia
Hi Again Amelia well its a long story as we have been married 37 years and just as me i came out to her within a couple of weeks after we were married.. took a few conversations and the usual talk are you gay and the rest .. Of coarse no im not just enjoy the look and feel of womens clothing been dressing since young as an older brother and a younger sister brother didnt want little brother hanging around with his friends so played with sister a lot . so it fertilized the seed that was there and grew a lot from then till now whew many years ago . So now i have this conversation with wife many times as she dosent under stand these wifes who have a problem with all of this as im not gay just love my Stephanie she is a large part of my heart and sole and she sees when i dont get time as life is to dress it does not hurt her i dont do anything to hurt anyone so whats the big deal , Wife gets a girlfriend to hang out with and wish i could say some extra clothes but im a little larger than her so that dont work but Stephanies attitude and help around the house is such a bonus to her is an ok part of life .. We will chat more but wife is needing some hubby help darn he he ..
💋💞 Stephanie
Hey Amelia…
I think I stumbled upon a way quite by chance… every time a parcel arrived with clothing I had bought my wife seemed to look forward to my excitment as I opened it. I would rush away, don whatever it was beit panties or a dress, shoes or something even naughtier… and come back to show her so she could comment ofr even take a photo or three.
Sometimes I would stay dressed and maybe cook dinner and we would eat together etc… sometimes not.It gradually happened that I would change from what I was wearing to try something new… and stay like that. May be it could work for you? just remember that your wife may very well not have the same feelings for this as you. Gotta talk about this a lot. Even straight women will have the barriers up when a straight male starts dressing as a woman and still wants their sexual relationship to prosper.
Go carefully and with total respect to your wife… xx Polly
I studied. Developed my own opinions in some cases and borrowed ideas from other with modifications and, I believe, came to a broader understanding of many of the relevant issues. On the other hand, there were things I never fully developed as concepts and which need to be considered more minutely and nebulous problems resolved.
It has been enlightening with the occasional epiphany and I believe I understand myself, my needs and desires and my motivations and cross-dressing history more realistically.
For example, you wrote:
“I’m not trans (though I do sometimes fantasize about being a woman it isn’t the all the time feeling I understand when you are trans. I also am not a fetishized cross dresser, I do sometimes get a sexual thrill from it but now it’s much more about what I feel comfortable and “at home” wearing”.
This makes not only perfect sense but is likely a fairly common and healthy desire. I do not like the meaningless term ‘trans’ and believe that cross-dressers are transgender but I know what you mean; you do not desire to ‘transition’. You want to be a woman and not necessarily a female and my notions make a clear distinction. Again, a cow is female but not a woman. Humans are women and being a woman is a gestalt of behaviour, appearance and other factors. That is being a woman is a human endeavour and since it is gender and not sex it is reasonably a gender presentation of males or females. Some people are gender variant (sometimes masculine, sometimes feminine) and sometimes gender invariant (always, or mostly, masculine for example.) Because you are not a feminine, gender invariant male driven my internal compulsions to transit feminizing their anatomy and becoming, in Law, a female. That you are gender variant with, likely, a strong leaning to femininity is likely a factor wth all males who are not genetically disposed to full-time uber-masculinity.
Araminta.
Very interesting thoughts. Never really thought of it that way x
Hi Araminta… (interesting name by the way)
I have to take issue with ‘genetics’ here. you wrote “[not] genetically disposed to full-time uber-masculinity”. I have been as masculine as they come. I’ve done my thing fighting and boozing and generally tearing it up… but what I have not done is the toxic part. I was raised by two wonderful women and have had a classical English style education (that probably moved me into the ‘women and children first’ category) and have been taught to be a kind and compassionate person.
I don’t believe that genetics has anything to do with our cultural definition. Our DNA/RNA supplies us with our predisposed gender and all that it entails and can sometimes/even often be a bit cranky but our environment shapes us.
Sister… this is getting too late at night for a deep philosophical discussion! I had a bottle of wine into the bargain!Fire away and shoot me down! xx //Polly
Hi, Polly!
I really don’t take issue with much that you wrote. As I keep saying, these matters are complex and while I often generalize for the sake of brevity and clarity I do not try to make categorizations too fixed.
While I agree that ‘gender’ is a matter of cultural values and perceptions that vary with time I also believe that ‘gender’, in reference to human behaviour, is loosely tied to concepts of Western North American ideals concerning the sexes. As a result those categories we think of a genders (especially masculine and feminine) many people see as being inextricably ties to the sexes. My position is that they should be clearly distinguished and that a gender is a difficult-to-define pattern (or gestalt) of inter-related elements such a personality traits, modes of behaviour, the way we present our appearance, speech patterns and intonations, body language including poise and walk, etc. All capable of modification.
The thing is some people prefer a relatively invariant gender gestalt and some people like to vary between gestalts. My position, judging from anecdotes, case histories, theses, studies and opinions and observations that I was able to access is that there is a predisposition to a gender and to a variance or invariance that is genetically based and shaped during foetal development partially through hormones released during that development by an epigenetic process. (Which, by the way, I only understand in the vaguest sense.)
Thus, for most males, they develop a prenatal disposition to being what we see as masculine. Not all males develop that predisposition to the same intensity and cultural/nurturing influences have a strong bearing on in what manners and modes are used to express that masculinity. The ‘strength’ of that predisposition also varies. Some are strongly motivated and respond eagerly to the relevant social training. Others do not respond as strongly and prefer a more, shall we see, passive and less aggressive lifestyle.
However, a genetic predisposition to what is generally also regarded as femininity is likely also inherited (by both sexes) just not activated by epigenetic causes, or a predisposition to both genders might be activated or a predisposition solely to a gender gestalt falsely seen to be inconsistent with one’s sex may be invariantly activated.
So, while some males can be wholly very masculine, some males are not and gravitate to what are socially seen to be ‘feminine’ behaviours but never really adopt a feminine persona. Some do find a feminine persona to be a natural state at times as an escape from the pressures of ‘being a man’ (and for other reasons of course) or I can make a case that some cross-dressers becomes so BECAUSE of their masculinity (they like girls and are very curious). Some males have no desire whatsoever to be ‘masculine’ (although their hormonal balance may betray them), wish to live as women and are still okay with being male. To many this may seem a contradiction but I do not see that these desires, again likely genetically induced, are incompatible.
Now I have lost the thread of my thoughts. I suppose I did not make it clear that I think uber-masculinity is relatively a minority if possibly a large minority or even a plurality amongst males. I believe a propensity to being feminine is more common amongst males than is evident because males are socially pressured to be masculine (therefore disinclined to ‘reveal’ themselves) and that the modes of masculinity are very much cultural as well as inherited.
A question I would ask, is, “If one chooses cross-dressing to express one’s fascination with femininity, why that mode of expression when there are so many other modes?” The only answer I can come up with is because there is something irrevocable within ourselves that guides us to creating a feminine persona, finding that there is something about that persona that is reflective of of inner being and that fills a need that seems to have always existed and that this need urges us to proceed beyond our initial explorations and experiments. Young males sometimes abandon femininity (having been satisfied with their experience as a temporary measure), at least for a while, while others never really do.
Simplistically, we make ourselves to be feminine to be pretty. This question is, “Why do we want to be pretty?” Then it gets very confusing.
So, basically I think I agree with what you are trying to express I just wanted to point out that not all males have a taste for uber-masculinity and some actually try to avoid it. I am not wholly sure how that relates to cross-dressing but it seems consistent that most males who dislike the more aggressive features of masculinity, have a predisposition to femininity. If they have the necessary environment and opportunity they may very well gravitate to self actualization through what we vaguely think of as cross-dressing.
Araminta.
Hi Araminta
I have to digest what you have written before I can make any attempt at answering you. I will say one thing though that can be seen as a recant. Women… as a genetic item have a double X chromozone ‘XX’ and men have ‘XY’ chromozone… so men, in this context, have a feminine aspect. Furthermore, men are way more likely to present as women than women, men. Which goes some little way to agreeing with your premise.
Hey, Sister… we should attempt a thesis together?! xx Polly
Hi, Amelia
I personally, am just comfortable and calm, presenting as Regine.
There is no sexual thrill, although years ago there was, and I don’t desire to fully become a woman, my attitudes and demeaner just change, as Regi, compared to “him”
So again, it is just a comforting thing, to me.
And as a person, as I believe I have mentioned before, my sO prefers Regi
Regi.Hi Amelia
I would say having a sit down, not rushed, conversation with your wife explaining what you’ve said here – that your dressing is not a fettish /sex thing and it means more to you, you appreciate her accepting of the pieces you have worn so far but you would like to explore more.
Your wife may think because it’s been limited to sex before that’s all that you want, but until you have a conversation with her to express that it’s more about how you feel at other times she won’t know you want more.
Penny and I read the “Living with Crossdressing – defining a new normal” book by Savannah Haulk and it opened up so many conversations and explained so much to BOTH of us, things we would never have understood before, and I would also recommend that book for both of you (we read it at the same time on a Kindle app logged in on a laptop and tablet which was great for asking questions based on what we had both just read).
Hi Amelic,
Gender (not sexual) identity is a confusing thing, in part because it doesn’t tend to “stay put”. Also, the definitions aren’t engraved in stone. I suspect you will eventually ID as a socially Trans girl, like me. Not gay or bi, don’t want surgery and can’t take hormones. But I prefer dresses and skirts so much that I would wear them full-time if I could. And I enjoy putting on makeup and jewelry to go out shopping.
My suggestion: Self-ID as anything you prefer; you are probably correct.
Hugs,
Bettylou
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