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Well Laura and myself have been discussing who’s responsibility is it at the start of a relationship, regarding if the man should be honest and admit his crossdressing to his partner, or his wife /partner should ask her male partner if he is into dressing at the start of the relationship, what’s your views girls, and wives reading please dive in, love your input too.
Hi honey, in my opinion it’s on the man to tell his SO. I believe it’s still a rare enough tthat a womon couldn’t presume their partner is an xdresser.
I’m also of the controversial opinion that it’s that our SOs know about our dressing as soon as it’s accepted by us, as it’s a significant part of us that it should be known. How would we feel if they kept a significant part of themselves from us for years?
Hi Trish
My questions are…
Why is it so significant?
Significant of what?
Sorry, I don’t ask the easy ones 😊😘
Love Laura
This is a fascinating discussion. You ladies never fail to impress.
In reply to Laura’s question, “why is it so significant?”, I understand her question. We wish it wasn’t so significant because it feels simply like who we are. But we also know from the forum topics here on CDH and elsewhere that it is extremely significant. The questions about: how does CD relate to your sexuality and sexual desires? The disclosures that this is something we’ve been doing since early childhood. The effort ladies take to create whole new personas. I think that defines “significant”.
Should something so significant be a deal breaker when disclosure/discovery occurs? Certainly not and hopefully the relationship is strong enough to weather one’s coming out. But whatever arc the relationship takes after disclosure, the peace of mind one gets from finally being open is worth it.
And in answer to the original question? It’s up to him, the sooner the better.
Your Rambling Sister,
Clara
Hi Honey
I have always thought that the man should tell from day one, before the love and commitment take a firm hold.
Since joining CDH, I think it even more strongly…..all the girls on here who agonise about telling or being found out really do confirm it for me.
” I love my wife so much, it would destroy us”…etc etc….
well if you had been honest from the start before your love got so strong and you had a family and all the trappings….it would have been so much easier to part, as friends, before you fell in love so deeply.
As for the woman asking…haha
…I expect when a woman meets the man of her dreams, ” you won’t be wearing my panties, will you darling”?……is very low on the the list of questions she would ask, even if it crossed her mind in the first place..
…..but this is just my opinion!!
Grace xx
I think that this point of view is totally right IF the man in question is a dedicated, fully self-accepting cross dresser.
The grey area I was discussing with Amanda is when the man may be trying to reject the cross dressing side – denying that it’s even a thing.
Maybe he thinks that, by marrying, he will be able to just stop and never have this shameful part of him found out?
Maybe he doesn’t realise that it’s an intrinsic part of him, rather than the horrendous pervert that some sectors of society view him as?
In short, I don’t think it’s simple or even possible for a man to come clean about it, when he’s living in denial.
First, you have to acknowledge to yourself that this is what you are.
It’s much easier now, but in the late 1970s, it was as good as a suicide note – and when you’ve grown up with that attitude around you, fessing up is not something you even contemplate.
When you’ve seen women destroy their husbands over it, you’re not going to tell.
I only “came out” to my wife a short time after signing up here, because only then did I realise that this is what I am, and only then did I give up all the self denial.
And I am so glad that I did – it’s made a massive difference to my life, and the quality of life that my entire family enjoy.
So, I agree, nowadays, the correct thing to do is tell as soon as possible.
But, if you’ve already been married some time and your wife is buried in redundant cultural conditioning, then it’s going to be difficult.
But not impossible.
And that is one of the reasons this site exists – cross dressers in marital difficulties don’t need to hear “Oh, well, you should have told her earlier” because there is no going back in time. It’s a totally unfair thing to say to someone facing divorce.
Especially over an activity that is not illegal – and that we are being told, as a society, to respect through gender awareness.
Pick holes in that lot – GO!!! 😍😍😍
Love Laura
But, if you’ve already been married some time and your wife is buried in redundant cultural conditioning, then it’s going to be difficult….
Good point….
but in an ideal world?? when you got married, I still believe your wife deserved to know the marriage would contain THREE people…
maybe I’m just old fashioned
OMG….it can work!!!!!
congrats on your honesty paying off Jeannie xx
The world is never ideal…the world is a mess…but this whole argument go’s down to two options…..live a lie with the one you love ….or be honest….but the longer you cheat, the worse it will be when she catches you…and she will
I don’t have an SO but from what I have read on this site it seems to take an emotional toll on those that don’t discuss their crossdressing at the beginning of the relationship.
Jessica
[quote quote=433045]But I come from a generation when we were regarded as mentally ill, curable perverts, shunned and called names by society, and led a life of shame, guilt, secrecy and fear of discovery.[/quote]
Given the difficulties my 16YO has had in relation to their sexuality and gender identity I don’t think things have moved on as much as we hope / believe.
-A.
For me it has to be the mans responsibility…
my wife caught me dressed in her clothes (before we were married) and it nearly finished us, mainly due to the deceit… she put 2 and 2 together and called me out on the nights I would say Didn’t want to see her… these were the nights I would be Cheryl and she knew straight away.
the deceit has lived with me for the last 20 years and I still to this day feel guilty for the way she found out. I have told myself, if ever I am in that position again, I will tell any prospective partners of Cheryl and let them make up their own minds… if it’s not to be then it’s not to be.
I also think it would be strange for a woman to ask the man if he was a crossdresser unless she had just cause to raise the subject
Cheryl 💋
“…it nearly finished us, mainly due to the deceit…”
What deceit, honey?
Everyone has secret – it is not humanly possible to share 100% of yourself with someone else.
How were you to know she didn’t like it?
She didn’t tell you that!
So you did it in secret.
Did you also believe the social conditioning you were doing something wrong?
Did you find that you simply couldn’t stop completely, but didn’t understand why?
It’s hardly deceit, no matter how it may have seemed – and I would hope you can forgive yourself one act (however long-lasting) of secrecy, presumably designed to protect your loved ones rather than to further adventures outside of marriage?
“...if ever I am in that position again, I will tell any prospective partners of Cheryl and let them make up their own minds… if it’s not to be then it’s not to be.”
Yes indeed – but “coulda woulda shoulda” is all well and good – we don’t have time machines!
Experience is the comb that nature gives us after we go bald.
“I also think it would be strange for a woman to ask the man if he was a crossdresser unless she had just cause to raise the subject”
Precisely.
I the cross dresser should be in exactly the same position.
No prejudice should exist against men because of the clothing choices.
Gender awareness and equality.
We have the right to dress how we like by law, and our rights are protected.
No-one, and I mean no-one has the right to tell us how we may or may not dress.
It’s simply not logical otherwise.
Why should a woman have this right over her husband?
It’s HER problem, why make it his and destroy the family?
…or am I being harsh?
Love Laura
Kind of harsh Laura, gender equality aside, you say no woman has the right to tell you how to dress, then you don’t have the right to expect her to live how you want her to live with someone who crossdresses. Because a female doesn’t like this behavior and ends the marriage, she is automatically blamed for the destruction of the family, no the alternate fault lays with us. To expect a wife to accept our behavior because of love, and vows does not work, what if your wife suddenly grew a penis, and became a man over night and demanded regular sex, would you want Gay sex, could you stand that?.Many couldn’t that’s for sure. Maybe this is one reason many leave it feel to them wrong.
For me it came late, we have been together 31 years now.
but when was a good time ? in the late 80’s when we met ? when we had a small child ?
I kept it secret and it has done me more harm than anyone else, but I grew up in a time when it was just wrong to be me.
I thought I was going to take it to my grave, but my dysphoria got the better of me, and I would have died if I hadn’t come out.
Fortunately my wife loves me, is accepting of who I am, and we are working through it
It’s very true men many years ago their attire was more flamboyant and a lot of clothes could be classed as feminine. Today is slightly different to then or national costumes. We have bras, suspenders tights, and generally more female attire, pads to alter appearances, even false breasts, or development of real ones. I sure many women stay with their partners, love them and except their dressing. But what we seem to forget is some women cannot accept it, and won’t accept it, and why should they if the find it turns them off, just to please us. It’s not just a physical attraction problem, but for others a mental battle with acceptance sexually too. Probably most couples stay together when the dressing comes to life later in the relationship, but how many would have walk away before the relationship developed, and would they have wanted you to be honest at the start of the relationship, which is the question this relates to, should the female ask you, or should you tell her first.
“But what we seem to forget is some women cannot accept it, and won’t accept it, and why should they if the find it turns them off, just to please us. It’s not just a physical attraction problem, but for others a mental battle with acceptance sexually too.”
This all says that it’s a problem for the woman.
Why should it be our problem?
We are being taught to accept people regardless of where they are on the gender scale.
This might have been a reasonable argument 40 years ago, but today, that attitude is bigotry.
“Probably most couples stay together when the dressing comes to life later in the relationship, but how many would have walk away before the relationship developed, and would they have wanted you to be honest at the start of the relationship, which is the question this relates to, should the female ask you, or should you tell her first.”
Which is why it’s important to have the conversation early.
But it doesn’t solve the issue where a man realises he’s been hoodwinked all these years/decades, and finally realises who he is.
That isn’t his fault.
It shouldn’t be a problem to her – we now have education/science that some people are different in terms of gender.
We didn’t know back then what we know now.
The fundamental question is: “Does the woman love the man as a person, or not?”
Never mind whether you’re turned on or off sexually – I know many women dress in a way that’s a turn off, and no-one has a right to say she can’t.
I certainly wouldn’t dare to trample on someone’s human rights because I found one way they dressed to be a sexual turn off.
Love Laura
I don’t think it would enter into a woman’s head to ask if the person she was dating was into Crossdressing – why would it? And what if she’s never experienced it before and doesn’t know Crossdressing is a thing in everyday life?
If the date had turned up with something feminine on or heels or make-up on then it may spark the question but otherwise it wouldn’t be on the radar.
I didn’t say anything about making an issue out of it.
The question is who has the responsibility, of bringing the subject up and why would someone who has possibly never dealt with crossdressing have any inkling as to ask that question, unless there was something leading a conversation in that area.
Whether someone has an issue with a date revealing they are a crossdresser is a completely different question.
Interesting question Amanda I think it rather depends what sort of conversation your having at the start of a relationship, I think it also depends for us girls whether we feel we can trust the other person at this point. I would really need to be sure before confiding, I think the onus is on us to be open and honest. However we need to feel we can trust our inner self to a new partner, if I didn’t feel the trust they would never find out. It really depends on the disposition of the new SO. Good luck to anyone in that situation.
Hi Amanda
It’s self-evident that the CD should tell… especially if the relationship seems to be heading in a positive way.
As for a blossoming desire to dress en femme… honesty and directness is the only way. No secrets, no subterfuge just put it out there and work for it. I’m sure many women would feel ambivalent in the beginning so it behoves us to be aware of one’s SO’s feelings.
Secrets always become less secret! It’s the nature of secrets. Secrets also smack of dishonesty. Come what may, openness will be a winner in the end and you may have to accept that dressing may not happen or you may have to change your whole life if dressing en femme is that important to you.So endeth the lesson… xx Polly
I don’t get this question 🤔. Of Course it’s up to the man. Is one expected to play 101 questions about deep secrets when starting a relationship, or expect the other to be open and honest? You are responsible for your own honesty.
And yes, crossdressing is still an issue.
I had the same thought Gen. In other words I would not expect a gg to ask about cd at the beginning unless she saw a vpl or panty peek. My thought is that when the relationship gets to the point of intimacy that the gg be told before the trousers come off and the panty is displayed. I give the gg a little time to mull it over and they have always accepted panties. This usually leads to a discussion of other dressing and I always promise to stick to whatever boundary they are comfortable with. Happily they generally regard the panty as a piece of cloth and the rest just depends on the gg.
Hi Gen – This is the ideal – I think that’s an enlightened attitude!!!
It’s never too late – indeed, why should it be?
What is it about cross dressing that makes it seem such a big deal to a lot of women – so much so that they would rather cut their soul mate out of their lives than wear clothing marketed to women?
Go back a couple of thousand years ago or so (a short time in the history of humans) and there wasn’t too much difference in clothing.
Why did it become so important?
We’re slowly coming round, but at some point, this distinction was strongly made between male and female clothing.
Cross dressing is not intrinsically wrong – so why is it a make or break, must-tell/must-keep-secret thing?
I ask too many questions, lol!
Great response, and wonderful attitude, Gen!
Love Laura
I came out with respect to panties which was the only femme stuff I wore once it was clear that I and my gg were developing feelings for each other. She accepted them and complimented me on being proactive as she said she had an ex who hid things (not a cd thing) and she told me that most women get a sense when something is off and then they may play detective or look for clues and/or internalize worst case scenarios after a while. Just my experience others may well be entirely different.
Well I not a bigot and I don’t think what I said was bigotry statement. More of a statement of fact of life with in relationships. So have to agree with you Samantha. Human rights haven’t been violated because a female objects to her husband crossdressing, she simply objects because she can’t emotionally and sexually embrace it, dare I say some woman find it repulsive.
If you are walking around in women’s clothes, make up and high heels..and cannot acknowledge that you are a crossdresser….you do have a problem!!!!
It would be interesting to do a study to find out how much truth there us in there, Sammy.
As Gen says, it was only a couple of hundred years ago that men wore heels, lace and wigs – and only 2,000 years ago that everyone wore robes.
Femininity as seen now is a highly evolved fashion – or rather, a highly evolved set of fashions.
Femininity means tons of different things, and a man can be feminine without wearing clothes, just as a woman can.
On fact, it might be more correct to talk about feminine fashions than feminity per se.
The main issue seems to be women in recent times (maybe from the mid 1800s onwards) objecting to behaviour that could be described as lewd in men.
And this is based on an actual movement that came out of the US in the 1800s.
I will do a bit more research on this, as I can’t even recall the lady’s name!
The intentions were good – to protect women from noxious behaviour from men.
Like all good intentions, it really was the road to Hell…
Love Laura
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