Ask or tell who's responsibility?

Ask or tell at the beginning of relationships who's responsibility?

  • Man should tell94.74%36 votes
  • Lady should ask5.26%2 votes
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    • #433688
      Stevie Steiner
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      I don’t get this question 🤔.  Of Course it’s up to the man.  Is one expected to play 101 questions about deep secrets when starting a relationship, or expect the other to be open and honest?  You are responsible for your own honesty.

      And yes, crossdressing is still an issue.

       

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    • #433558
      Polly Stewart
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      Hi Amanda

      It’s self-evident that the CD should tell… especially if the relationship seems to be heading in a positive way.
      As for a blossoming desire to dress en femme… honesty and directness is the only way. No secrets, no subterfuge just put it out there and work for it. I’m sure many women would feel ambivalent in the beginning so it behoves us to be aware of one’s SO’s feelings.
      Secrets always become less secret! It’s the nature of secrets. Secrets also smack of dishonesty. Come what may, openness will be a winner in the end and you may have to accept that dressing may not happen or you may have to change your whole life if dressing en femme is that important to you.

      So endeth the lesson… xx Polly

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    • #433238
      Sarah Du Hessisse
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      Interesting question Amanda I think it rather depends what sort of conversation your having at the start of a relationship, I think it also depends for us girls whether we feel we can trust the other person at this point. I would really need to be sure before confiding, I think the onus is on us to be open and honest. However we need to feel we can trust our inner self to a new partner, if I didn’t feel the trust  they would never find out. It really depends on the disposition of the new SO. Good luck to anyone in that situation.

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      • #433569
        Jeannie Jones
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        Exactly, trust is a must before a conversation about such an intimate aspect of my life anyway.

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    • #433146
      Mandy Wife
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      I don’t think it would enter into a woman’s head to ask if the person she was dating was into Crossdressing – why would it? And what if she’s never experienced it before and doesn’t know Crossdressing is a thing in everyday life?

      If the date had turned up with something feminine on or heels or make-up on then it may spark the question but otherwise it wouldn’t be on the radar.

      • #433164
        Laura Lovett
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        Surely, by saying “it’s not on the radar”, that is the same as saying it’s a non issue, isn’t it?

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        • #433168
          Mandy Wife
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          Not necessarily.  If you don’t know something exists then how do you know how you feel about it?

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          • #433185
            Laura Lovett
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            Exactly right.

            No-one can share 100% of themselves with another, so why make something an issue if no-one has said anything about it?

            Love Laura

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          • #433205
            Mandy Wife
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            I didn’t say anything about making an issue out of it.

            The question is who has the responsibility, of bringing the subject up and why would someone who has possibly never dealt with crossdressing have any inkling as to ask that question, unless there was something leading a conversation in that area.

            Whether someone has an issue with a date revealing they are a crossdresser is a completely different question.

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    • #433142
      Amanda Burton
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      It’s very true men many years ago their attire was  more flamboyant and a lot of clothes could be classed as feminine. Today is slightly different to then or national costumes. We have bras, suspenders tights, and generally more female attire, pads to alter appearances, even false breasts, or development of real ones. I sure many women stay with their partners, love them and except their dressing. But what we seem to forget is some women cannot accept it, and won’t accept it, and why should they if the find it turns them off, just to please us. It’s not just a physical attraction problem, but for others a mental battle with acceptance sexually too. Probably most couples stay together when the dressing comes to life later in the relationship, but how many would have walk away before the relationship developed, and would they have wanted you to be honest at the start of the relationship, which is the question this relates to, should the female ask you, or should you tell her first.

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      • #433178
        Laura Lovett
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        But what we seem to forget is some women cannot accept it, and won’t accept it, and why should they if the find it turns them off, just to please us. It’s not just a physical attraction problem, but for others a mental battle with acceptance sexually too.”

        This all says that it’s a problem for the woman.

        Why should it be our problem?

        We are being taught to accept people regardless of where they are on the gender scale.

        This might have been a reasonable argument 40 years ago, but today, that attitude is bigotry.

        Probably most couples stay together when the dressing comes to life later in the relationship, but how many would have walk away before the relationship developed, and would they have wanted you to be honest at the start of the relationship, which is the question this relates to, should the female ask you, or should you tell her first.”

        Which is why it’s important to have the conversation early.

        But it doesn’t solve the issue where a man realises he’s been hoodwinked all these years/decades, and finally realises who he is.

        That isn’t his fault.

        It shouldn’t be a problem to her – we now have education/science that some people are different in terms of gender.

        We didn’t know back then what we know now.

        The fundamental question is: “Does the woman love the man as a person, or not?”

        Never mind whether you’re turned on or off sexually – I know many women dress in a way that’s a turn off, and no-one has a right to say she can’t.

        I certainly wouldn’t dare to trample on someone’s human rights because I found one way they dressed to be a sexual turn off.

        Love Laura

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        • #433210
          Sa•man•tha
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          Woah.  So now we’re going to call it bigotry if someone doesn’t find you to be relationship material?  No.  You’re really, really stretching it there.  We’re not talking about friends, employment or housing here, we’re talking about relationships.  People are entitled to find whomever or whatever attractive or not.  Think about the connotations of the argument you just made.

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      • #433166
        Genevïéve
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        Guaranteed… 98% of GG’s would say buh-bye to their date upon learning of his dressing and desire to show his feminine side. Would imagine most GG’s find it ‘Icky ‘ for a GB to wear feminine clothing/bling.

        Gen… ❤

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        • #433182
          Laura Lovett
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          Good riddance 😁

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    • #433132
      Sharon
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      For me it came late, we have been together 31 years now.

      but when was a good time ? in the late 80’s when we met ? when we had a small child ?

      I kept it secret and it has done me more harm than anyone else, but I grew up in a time when it was just wrong to be me.

      I thought I was going to take it to my grave, but my dysphoria got the better of me, and I would have died if I hadn’t come out.

      Fortunately my wife loves me, is accepting of who I am, and we are working through it

      • #433177
        Genevïéve
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        Sharon Wiltshire wrote:

        “Fortunately my wife loves me, is accepting of who I am, and we are working through it.”

        Thats wonderful to hear Sharon… ❤   My wife is the same. Very understanding with a few limitations.

        L❤VE

        Gen… 💋

        Gen…

    • #433077
      Cheryl Moss
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      For me it has to be the mans responsibility…

      my wife caught me dressed in her clothes (before we were married) and it nearly finished us, mainly due to the deceit… she put 2 and 2 together and called me out on the nights I would say Didn’t want to see her… these were the nights I would be Cheryl and she knew straight away.

      the deceit has lived with me for the last 20 years and I still to this day feel guilty for the way she found out. I have told myself, if ever I am in that position again, I will tell any prospective partners of Cheryl and let them make up their own minds… if it’s not to be then it’s not to be.

      I also think it would be strange for a woman to ask the man if he was a crossdresser unless she had just cause to raise the subject

      Cheryl 💋

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      • #433122
        Laura Lovett
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        “…it nearly finished us, mainly due to the deceit…

        What deceit, honey?

        Everyone has secret – it is not humanly possible to share 100% of yourself with someone else.

        How were you to know she didn’t like it?

        She didn’t tell you that!

        So you did it in secret.

        Did you also believe the social conditioning you were doing something wrong?

        Did you find that you simply couldn’t stop completely, but didn’t understand why?

        It’s hardly deceit, no matter how it may have seemed – and I would hope you can forgive yourself one act (however long-lasting) of secrecy, presumably designed to protect your loved ones rather than to further adventures outside of marriage?

        “...if ever I am in that position again, I will tell any prospective partners of Cheryl and let them make up their own minds… if it’s not to be then it’s not to be.”

        Yes indeed – but “coulda woulda shoulda” is all well and good – we don’t have time machines!

        Experience is the comb that nature gives us after we go bald.

        “I also think it would be strange for a woman to ask the man if he was a crossdresser unless she had just cause to raise the subject”

        Precisely.

        I the cross dresser should be in exactly the same position.

        No prejudice should exist against men because of the clothing choices.

        Gender awareness and equality.

        We have the right to dress how we like by law, and our rights are protected.

        No-one, and I mean no-one has the right to tell us how we may or may not dress.

        It’s simply not logical otherwise.

        Why should a woman have this right over her husband?

        It’s HER problem, why make it his and destroy the family?

        …or am I being harsh?

        Love Laura

         

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        • #433236
          Amanda Burton
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          Kind of harsh Laura, gender equality aside, you say no woman has the right to tell you how to dress, then you don’t have the right to expect her to live how you want her to live with someone who crossdresses. Because a female doesn’t like this behavior and ends the marriage, she is automatically blamed for the destruction of the family, no the alternate fault lays with us. To expect a wife to accept our behavior because of love, and vows does not work, what if your wife suddenly grew a penis, and became a man over night and demanded regular sex, would you want Gay sex, could you stand that?.Many couldn’t that’s for sure. Maybe this is one reason many leave it feel to them wrong.

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        • #433138
          stephanie plumb
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          Once again you have nailed it Laura. 🤩🤩🤩

          I love your :-   “Experience is the comb that nature gives us after we go bald.”  So true, so true.

          Steph  💖

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    • #433060
      Sa•man•tha
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      Its each person’s responsibility to be honest about who they are and what they expect, and also proceed with the understanding that people will change and grow over time.  No one is obligated to remain in a relationship they find unsuitable.  I didnt share about this part of myself with everyone…if you can tell someone’s probably not gonna be for you, what’s it matter?  The ones I did want to keep however, I did share about it & I did it before we were in too deep so to say.  To me this is a neither here nor there thing, it takes two to engage.

      • #433592
        Amanda Burton
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        Well I not a bigot and I don’t think what I said was bigotry statement. More of a statement of fact of life with in relationships. So have to agree with you Samantha. Human rights haven’t been violated because a female objects to her husband crossdressing, she simply objects because she can’t emotionally and sexually embrace it, dare I say some woman find it repulsive.

      • #433130
        Laura Lovett
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        Fabulous answer, Sammy!

        😍😍😍😍😍😍

        Love Laura

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      • #433068
        Sa•man•tha
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        As far as the concept of “rejection”…look, dont take this personally.  It’s part of dating, part of approaching even.  You kiss a lot of frogs as they say.  Rejection = “I’m not for you”, that’s all.  The sooner you get that outta the way, the sooner you can find someone who is for you rather than wasting time with someone who isnt.

        I understand that once you’re in long term, it works a little differently.  At that point you have to decide what it’s worth to you.  I’m gearing my comments towards the beginning of a relationship here, not decades deep in.

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        • #433074
          stephanie plumb
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          💎 Sammy dear,

          Back in the 70’s in the UK,  as a confessed CD’er,  you would have run out of frogs, moved on to Toads, and what then ……. ?   In the 60’s it would have been a psychiatric ward.

          I recall getting rejected once because my wrists were too thick!

          Steph xx

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          • #433082
            Sa•man•tha
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            After toads you’d have to move on to newts & chameleons I suppose.  I’ve been rejected over stuff I felt was silly also…but, those gals werent for me, and this isn’t the seventies anymore. Thank God. 🙂

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      • #433067
        Jeannie Jones
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        Exactly Stephanie 😊 well said

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    • #433059
      Andi DuBois
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      But I come from a generation when we were regarded as mentally ill, curable perverts, shunned and called names by society, and led a life of shame, guilt, secrecy and fear of discovery.

      Given the difficulties my 16YO has had in relation to their sexuality and gender identity I don’t think things have moved on as much as we hope / believe.

      -A.

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      • #433131
        Laura Lovett
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        How can we, as a community with first hand experience  reach out to people who are suffering like this and let them know – I mean KNOW that it’s OK?

        Love Laura

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    • #433045
      stephanie plumb
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      Oh if only life was so binary!   In an ideal world of course the man should tell his partner.  Perhaps these days it is much easier for men to do so. Potential partners have a right to know.

      But I come from a generation when we were regarded as mentally ill, curable perverts, shunned and called names by society,  and led a life of shame, guilt,  secrecy and fear of discovery.  There was no concept of being Transgender back then.  So its no wonder that it was nigh on impossible to tell the girl we were falling in love with.  Rejection was almost certainly guaranteed.

      We need a little understanding and sympathy here, that we were simply not mentally strong enough to crawl out from under our stone and take the risk of certain rejection.  Of course we all wish we had –  hindsight being such a wonderful thing.  If I could go back and do so I would.  We didn’t realise the nature of CD’ing back then as well as we do now.  Many of us didn’t know we couldn’t stop.

      I’m not making excuses for our poor judgement, it’s just that it needs to be viewed in the context of the world we were living in back then. A world that didn’t accept us at all, a world where we were perverts and queers, could be arrested, sent for corrective therapy, lose our jobs, be shunned by our family and friends.  And above all forced to lead a solitary life if we came out, with little prospect of having a family life.  And all because we have a feminine side.

      Just my opinion, not an excuse, and not applicable to all.  End of rant.

      Stephanie P

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      • #433065
        Jeannie Jones
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        I came out with respect to panties which was the only femme stuff I wore once it was clear that I and my gg were developing feelings for each other. She accepted them and complimented me on being proactive as she said she had an ex who hid things (not a cd thing) and she told me that most women get a sense when something is off and then they may play detective or look for clues and/or internalize worst case scenarios after a while. Just my experience others may well be entirely different.

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      • #433054
        Laura Lovett
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        Wonderfully written and very moving, Steph!

        >Grabs Kleenex<

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    • #433033
      Anonymous
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      I don’t have an SO but from what I have read on this site it seems to take an emotional toll on those that don’t discuss their crossdressing at the beginning of the relationship.

      Jessica

       

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    • #433019
      Anonymous
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      Hi Honey

      I have always thought that the man should tell from day one, before the love and commitment take a firm hold.

      Since joining CDH, I think it even more strongly…..all the girls on here who agonise about telling or being found out really do confirm it for me.

      ” I love my wife so much, it would destroy us”…etc etc….

      well if you had been honest from the start before your love got so strong and you had a family and all the trappings….it would have been so much easier to part, as friends, before you fell in love so deeply.

      As for the woman asking…haha

      …I expect when a woman meets the man of her dreams, ” you won’t be wearing my panties, will you darling”?……is very low on the the list of questions she would ask, even if it crossed her mind in the first place..

      …..but this is just my opinion!!

      Grace xx

      • #433042
        Laura Lovett
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        I think that this point of view is totally right IF the man in question is a dedicated, fully self-accepting cross dresser.

        The grey area I was discussing with Amanda is when the man may be trying to reject the cross dressing side – denying that it’s even a thing.

        Maybe he thinks that, by marrying, he will be able to just stop and never have this shameful part of him found out?

        Maybe he doesn’t realise that it’s an intrinsic part of him, rather than the horrendous pervert that some sectors of society view him as?

        In short, I don’t think it’s simple or even possible for a man to come clean about it, when he’s living in denial.

        First, you have to acknowledge to yourself that this is what you are.

        It’s much easier now, but in the late 1970s, it was as good as a suicide note – and when you’ve grown up with that attitude around you, fessing up is not something you even contemplate.

        When you’ve seen women destroy their husbands over it, you’re not going to tell.

        I only “came out” to my wife a short time after signing up here, because only then did I realise that this is what I am, and only then did I give up all the self denial.

        And I am so glad that I did – it’s made a massive difference to my life, and the quality of life that my entire family enjoy.

        So, I agree, nowadays, the correct thing to do is tell as soon as possible.

        But, if you’ve already been married some time and your wife is buried in redundant cultural conditioning, then it’s going to be difficult.

        But not impossible.

        And that is one of the reasons this site exists – cross dressers in marital difficulties don’t need to hear “Oh, well, you should have told her earlier” because there is no going back in time. It’s a totally unfair thing to say to someone facing divorce.

        Especially over an activity that is not illegal – and that we are being told, as a society, to respect through gender awareness.

        Pick holes in that lot – GO!!! 😍😍😍

        Love Laura

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        • #433112
          Anonymous
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          But, if you’ve already been married some time and your wife is buried in redundant cultural conditioning, then it’s going to be difficult….

          Good point….

          but in an ideal world?? when you got married, I still believe your wife deserved to know the marriage would contain THREE people…

          maybe I’m just old fashioned

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          • #433162
            Laura Lovett
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            In an ideal world.

            Yes…

            Show me one of those!

             

            I am not 2 people.

            Actually, it seems odd to say something like that, when it is self-evident…

            😋

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          • #433172
            Anonymous
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            The world is never ideal…the world is a mess…but this whole argument go’s down to two options…..live a lie with the one you love ….or be honest….but the longer you cheat, the worse it will be when she catches you…and she will

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          • #433196
            Laura Lovett
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            Weasel words alert!

            “Living a lie”

            “Cheating”.

            These need context and unpacking.

            It’s just not that simple.

            Love Laura

          • #433208
            Jeannie Jones
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            I have heard some gg’s say they are afraid that they look like less of a woman in the eyes of others if they have a husband who wears panties etc. seems silly to me but then again I never felt the need to ask my so if these jeans make me look fat.

          • #433133
            Jeannie Jones
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            I too felt before marriage that my so deserved to know my underwear was panties and any questions needed to be answered. I assured her that I was not attracted to men and she was the one for me. The marriage had a very long run after that.

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          • #433137
            Anonymous
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            OMG….it can work!!!!!

            congrats on your honesty paying off Jeannie xx

             

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          • #433148
            Jeannie Jones
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            Thanks Grace😊

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        • #433057
          stephanie plumb
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          No holes to pick Laura. You said it all far more eloquently than the rant I just posted. Well done!

          My wife now accepts me within limits and conditions, and I deeply regret that it has undeniably caused her some angst, but we love each other and were able to come through it.

          Love Steph  🤩💖

          8 users thanked author for this post.
      • #433041
        Jeannie Jones
        Duchess
        Registered On: October 9, 2020
        Topics: 8
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        Well said Grace. I agree as soon as there are serious discussions about a long term relationship the panties should be disclosed at a minimum. Better to find out sooner rather than later if the gg is not accepting.

        5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #433009
      Genevïéve
      Lady
      Registered On: July 28, 2020
      Topics: 22
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      Good question Amanda…

      I think if the GB doesn’t say anything about it… the GG should ask. However………. how many GG’s would have this question on their minds? Unless GG’s are aware of such wide spread dressing by GB’s, then it probably wouldn’t even occur to them that a potential mate likes to express his feminine side.

      Gen… ❤

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      • #433058
        Laura Lovett
        Lady
        Registered On: March 26, 2020
        Topics: 13
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        Conversely, how many CDs have fully acknowledged to themselves that they are a CD?

        Self acceptance can be a very difficult thing, in my experience.

        I told my wife at the point of self acceptance – is that, or should that be good enough to dispute any claims of deception?

        Love Laura

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        • #433113
          Anonymous
          Registered On:
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          If you are walking around in women’s clothes, make up and high heels..and cannot acknowledge that you are a crossdresser….you do have a problem!!!!

          5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #433027
        Jeannie Jones
        Duchess
        Registered On: October 9, 2020
        Topics: 8
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        I had the same thought Gen.  In other words I would not expect a gg to ask about cd at the beginning unless she saw a vpl or panty peek. My thought is that when the relationship gets to the point of intimacy that the gg be told before the trousers come off and the panty is displayed. I give the gg a little time to mull it over and they have always accepted panties. This usually leads to a discussion of other dressing and I always promise to stick to whatever boundary they are comfortable with. Happily they generally regard the panty as a piece of cloth and the rest just depends on the gg.

        5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #433007
      Trisha Lilly Hibbert
      Baroness
      Registered On: December 8, 2020
      Topics: 23
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      Hi honey, in my opinion it’s on the man to tell his SO. I believe it’s still a rare enough tthat a womon couldn’t presume their partner is an xdresser.

      I’m also of the controversial opinion that it’s that our SOs know about our dressing as soon as it’s accepted by us, as it’s a significant part of us that it should be known. How would we feel if they kept a significant part of themselves from us for years?

      7 users thanked author for this post.
      • #433056
        Laura Lovett
        Lady
        Registered On: March 26, 2020
        Topics: 13
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        Hi Trish

        My questions are…

        Why is it so significant?

        Significant of what?

         

        Sorry, I don’t ask the easy ones 😊😘

        Love Laura

        • #433111
          Clara Cross
          Lady
          Registered On: December 7, 2020
          Topics: 7
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          This is a fascinating discussion. You ladies never fail to impress.

          In reply to Laura’s question, “why is it so significant?”, I understand her question. We wish it wasn’t so significant because it feels simply like who we are. But we also know from the forum topics here on CDH and elsewhere that it is extremely significant. The questions about: how does CD relate to your sexuality and sexual desires? The disclosures that this is something we’ve been doing since early childhood. The effort ladies take to create  whole new personas.  I think that defines “significant”.

          Should something so significant be a deal breaker when disclosure/discovery occurs? Certainly not and hopefully the relationship is strong enough to weather one’s coming out. But whatever arc the relationship takes after disclosure, the peace of mind one gets from finally being open is worth it.

          And in answer to the original question? It’s up to him, the sooner the better.

          Your Rambling  Sister,

          Clara

           

           

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      • #433023
        Genevïéve
        Lady
        Registered On: July 28, 2020
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        Trisha…

        If the heel was on the other foot, I’d be very understanding and thankful that my partner in life has opened up to me. It’s ‘Never too Late’.

        ‘Appearances’ would not change the L❤ve that I have for my Soulmate. We are who we are…. that, cannot be changed.

        Peace and L❤VE….

        GEN… ❤

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #433051
          Laura Lovett
          Lady
          Registered On: March 26, 2020
          Topics: 13
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          Hi Gen – This is the ideal – I think that’s an enlightened attitude!!!

          It’s never too late – indeed, why should it be?

          What is it about cross dressing that makes it seem such a big deal to a lot of women – so much so that they would rather cut their soul mate out of their lives than wear clothing marketed to women?

          Go back a couple of thousand years ago or so (a short time in the history of humans) and there wasn’t too much difference in clothing.

          Why did it become so important?

          We’re slowly coming round, but at some point, this distinction was strongly made between male and female clothing.

          Cross dressing is not intrinsically wrong – so why is it a make or break, must-tell/must-keep-secret thing?

          I ask too many questions, lol!

          Great response, and wonderful attitude, Gen!

          Love Laura

           

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          • #433070
            Genevïéve
            Lady
            Registered On: July 28, 2020
            Topics: 22
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            Laura…

            I agree 111%

            Infact, it was men originally to wear fancy clothes and high heels.

            I too, would like to know why GG’s are ‘so put off  ‘ by their mates desire to dress and be feminine… A great question for the ‘Ask a GG’ board.

            Gen… ❤

            2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #433081
            Sa•man•tha
            Managing Ambassador
            Registered On: January 21, 2018
            Topics: 431
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            That’s a pretty easy one…basically, if a woman is heterosexual, then she’s not likely to find femininity attractive.  Sexuality is a little different for women than for men, and so are relationships.

            4 users thanked author for this post.
          • #433152
            Laura Lovett
            Lady
            Registered On: March 26, 2020
            Topics: 13
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            It would be interesting to do a study to find out how much truth there us in there, Sammy.

            As Gen says, it was only a couple of hundred years ago that men wore heels, lace and wigs – and only 2,000 years ago that everyone wore robes.

            Femininity as seen now is a highly evolved fashion – or rather, a highly evolved set of fashions.

            Femininity means tons of different things, and a man can be feminine without wearing clothes, just as a woman can.

            On fact, it might be more correct to talk about feminine fashions than feminity per se.

            The main issue seems to be women in recent times (maybe from the mid 1800s onwards) objecting to behaviour that could be described as lewd in men.

            And this is based on an actual movement that came out of the US in the 1800s.

            I will do a bit more research on this, as I can’t even recall the lady’s name!

             

            The intentions were good – to protect women from noxious behaviour from men.

            Like all good intentions, it really was the road to Hell…

            Love Laura

            2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #433202
            Sa•man•tha
            Managing Ambassador
            Registered On: January 21, 2018
            Topics: 431
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            Laura, as it relates to this particular discussion fashion has very little to do with it, and what men wore centuries ago is a complete red herring.  I can actually explain a lot of this, but it would be a long post & I doubt many people would like what I’d have to say.  I usually stay away from relationship topics because most people are emotionally attached & don’t want to listen 😅 maybe some day I’ll gain the fortitude to get into it here.

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