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Why am I struggling to accept it’s ok , my partner is very supportive , she dresses with me , we go shopping ect. But it’s me , I can’t openly talk bout it , the dressing ect.
I love it so much when dressed ect , I love how I look ectwe have just gone to mini skirt and lip stick too.
but why can’t I accept it’s ok ?
Hi Steph
What we do goes against so many societal gender stereotypes, ingrained into everybody’s psyche from the day we were born.
We are overtly and subliminally formed into the person we are supposed to be.
Things like peer pressure, pressure from family, pressure to appear how we perceive women will be attracted to us, pressure to conform to religious and cultural traditions. Pressure to be ‘normal’ to fit into what TV, media, social platforms dictate is normal, and to not deviate or risk ridicule. Programmed to believe what we do is shameful, makes us ‘less’ of a person, something deviant.Society is changing for the better, and my heart is hopeful that the future will allow us to be who we really are without all the above restrictions.
we are being ourselves doing others no harm. Stand tall be you, yes there may still be some out there living with all this historical baggage and outdated views, but most nowadays, especially younger generations, will be accepting.Be you, be your wonderful self, or be who you are supposed to be. Your choice.
B x
If it helps, I feel a little of that. My wife called me cute the other day and I had to stop and analyse how I felt about that, not that I wasn’t but could I accept it?
I feel like taking small wins may help, know who you are and talk often with your partner, she may, share insights you cannot fully see yourself.
Go easy on yourself, you are on an amazing journey.
💖
Hi Steph i don’t think i have any right to say anything about this subject because I’m well and truly stuck in the closet, it’s nice that your SO has accepted your crossdressing life has being part and parcel of the life you like to lead, from the day we are born society has deemed that we live our lives in a certain way boy’s play boy’s game’s and girls play girls games and it’s hard to try and change it, if i had the courage to come out and be able to dress 24/7 i would grab it by two hands and never let it go X
Hugs Rozalyn X 🎀
Steph,
What do YOU think is holding you back? Were you raised with domineering males who often expressed their opinions about what “real men” do and what they don’t? Is there a strong religious vibe that you were raised with that maybe taught you that boys acting like girls were sinners? Have you always tried to live up to certain expectations, whether they were other’s expectations or your own? You might start there and see if you can figure out the starting point of your inability to accept your feminine side.
I grew up primarily in the 80’s and boys didn’t do the things we do unless they were homosexual (and that was putting it nicely) or so we were all told. That to me is toxic.
I couldn’t accept in myself until I was nearly 50, and that only happened because I broke down and told my wife how I felt. Like your wife, she’s very accepting of this aspect of my personality, and through that I found the courage to accept that there was NOTHING WRONG with me or with cross dressing.
Sometimes I still a little silly or like it’s wrong, but I absolutely refuse to give those ideas and credence. Those feelings aren’t helpful, they’re not positive, and they deserve my time. F*}% those negative feelings that want to rob me of something that makes me feel good and does no harm.
I hope you can find a good resolution to your problem very soon, and I hope something I said helps. There is nothing wrong with you.
Hugs, Jill
Almost everyone of us have struggled with our own personal acceptance our desires of different levels of things assigned by society and history mostly to women personality traits, hobbies, and or to appear as feminine as possible with clothing although it is just clothing, hairstyles, shoes, makeup, and accessories; to some of us it is very sexy or erotic to some very relaxing or comforting maybe a disconnect from reality and stresses we all have many different feelings when we dress and motivating factors why, the textile of material and tactile feeling of clothing silk, spandex, compression, so many more choices than in male mode that feel so different on your body to add breast forms, to wear knee high boots and high heels, jewelry and articles associated with femininity. We all have varying desires or degrees or levels of expressed feminine traits and experiences that we have achieved or that we desire. We have all struggle with these internally in our thoughts, dreams, and opinions sometimes it can be very difficult for some men to understand or find a balance of these desires and experiences with the expectations from our own upbringing, society, family and friends to be the man we are outwardly and not wanting to diminish the views of those we care about and love to look at us as not being that man for them.
It is definitely difficult as many of us to have to hide it all from most people in our lives. For some everybody in their life but those here on CDH. Some of us can share it with our spouses either privately or with significant other even a friend but most are not out to everyone in their life. For those that are and have found the strength to just be who they are and have not lost anyone in their life by being yourself that is amazing. Many have had to lose relationships with relatives and friends to be their authentic self. For some the risk of losing one person in their life is too much to even risk.
We are all different and unique to what we are willing to do to be ourselves. With society and social norms people still look strangely on men dressed as women. Most of us when dressed do not look, move, or talk like women in public so it is different to society. I am big man and although I do not care to a degree I am comfortable at home or being at CD/Trans gatherings versus being out only by myself in public and that is just me my choice. For many of us who crossdress we love women and our wives and daughters and believe in female equality and struggle with our desires and their private spaces and opportunities being lost to some who want to be their authentic self who are similar to us. Trying to find a balance with our desires to be who we are and respectful of biological women and their feelings and emotions and space is not the easiest thing in the world. However with open honest conversations and communication from all mature enough to have honest discussions and being able to listen to all sides hopefully we can get there knowing that it will never be perfect for all. We all need to continue to strive to accept ourselves and others for our differences and treat one another with respect and understanding. Be happy who you are smile be courteous, kind, respectful and friendly then hopefully it will be better for each us personally and for those in the future.
I stopped trying to understand why I have the desire dress. I just do and I have accepted I do it gives me balance and it is very enjoyable for me makes me feel pretty and sexy that does not mean I want everyone in my life to know about April but April is a part of who I am and I am happy with that.
Crossdressing is a very complex subject. You are changing your lifestyle to one that goes against society’s norms and that can be difficult to process. Going counter to society’s norms doesn’t mean it’s bad or evil but you have to overcome a lifetime of a certain way of thinking about crossdressing. Maybe you are mentally stuck on trying to figure out why you do this. I used to wonder about why too but had no definitive answer. So I stopped caring why and just enjoyed my new lifestyle and I’ve been much happier since then. You are very lucky to have such a supportive SO, just try and relax and enjoy the experience.
Fiona
Steph, I think most of us have had or are having problems accepting this side of ourselves. Sometimes the thoughts that go through my head are a little scary. BUT each step I put myself as Cassie out a little more. That is how Cassie has gotten her hair colored 3 times now, nails done at a salon about 6 or 7 times now and even gone to my HS class reunion as Cassie. Ypu know the acceptance I have gotten has been heaven and I can’t wait for the next step!!
. Cassie
You’ve been taught, whether consciously or unconsciously, whether by verbal or nonverbal means, that it is not OK. Your wife now tells you it’s OK. Your head hears it, but in your heart and deep seated emotions, you still have the “men don’t do that” feeling at your core.
Let me give you an example of what happened to me. My friend would often throw theme based crossdresser (and supporter) parties. Early in my going out in public, she held a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party event at the home of mutual friends. Dating back to bad experiences in childhood, I absolutely will not drink tea. But I wanted to attend the event. I chose to go and be one of the maid servants for the event, making and serving the tea to others.
I borrowed a maid’s outfit from the homeowner and had a good time at the event. My friend who organized the event gave me a very sweet note at the end thanking me for my first time being a (insert the s word here) maid. In my head, I can see that she was very polite and sweet in the note. Yet at my core, it really hurt. This is because of the negative association of the word for my entire life. Seeing it in print felt like a stab in the heart, even though I know the intent and meaning of the note was not that at all. My head could accept it, but deep down I had a hard time accepting it.
I suspect you’re going through a similar experience. Years of negative conditioning can’t be undone with a single acceptance from your wife. You have to come to your own acceptance and undo a life long negative association. You have to do the work yourself to discard the guilt and accept that this is a part of who you are.
I can not tell you why, that is something that is different for all of us. No doubt some of the reasons given will resonate, others won’t. I suspect a large part of it is society tells us men don’t dress in women’s clothes, and that is is wrong to do so. What I can say is that for me I realized so much of what society “says” has no basis in reality or a logical explanation. Why can’t men wear women’s clothes? If you think about it, there is no good answer other then “because”, which, obviously in a non-answer.
By reading many stories here you will find much inspiration and support. Only you can give you acceptance, and I hope you find it. I gave up trying to figure out why I like to dress, and just accepted the fact that I find pleasure in it, and as long as I am not hurting myself or anybody else, then I give myself permission to enjoy it.
Good luck.
Lots of good responses already, so I am not breaking any new ground. The problem with self acceptance boils down to deeply ingrained, mistaken beliefs. We all have them. But it takes time and practice to recognize when they rear their ugly heads and, when they do, to immediately shout them down.
This is a task that you can do, but it takes consistent effort. Each time you find your inner voice telling you negative thoughts, immediately (and if it helps aloud) say to yourself “NO!” Or “Stop”. Then reaffirm what your wife and so many others have been trying to convince you of: Its natural, good and fun to enjoy this part of yourself.
It may take weeks or months, but you can eventually silence that negative self talk.
For me it has always been a struggle to accept my feminine side. As a man, we are not supposed to like girly thongs or to get dressed up in lingerie or feminine clothes or like makeup ect. Society drills into our manly side that we are supposed to be rough n tuff. But when we dress, it feels so good and right. Then we feel guilty for enjoying be dressed up, and go tot the extreme manly side of us to offset our girly side.
It takes a lot of inner talk and support to get past all of this. Add more time for any negative comments and things out there to over come our shame and guilt. It will not happen over night. But our dressing is a part of who we are, and will never go away. It may change over time as to the extent of what and how you dress. For me, I have gone from just lingerie and lingerie to bed, to under dressing to a full wardrobe of clothes, makeup, jewelry, wigs, heels and forms. If you woudl have said I would be at this stage 5 or 10 or 30 years ago…I would have said no way. Guess i am checking to boxes of what feels right and good and experiencing those things that I have wanted to try.
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