- This topic has 84 replies, 45 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by
.
- Posts
Hi Ladies,
I have a sincere question and I welcome all answers. I am asking to better understand why it is so important to those that are not trans or gender fluid. I read on this site that the urge never goes away and that it is part of who you are. I also read on this site that it is just clothes or that women do the same thing, etc.Why is it so hard to stop dressing? Why is dressing worth risking relationships?
Thank you,
BettyI just a major part of who we are. I am a strong believer that I was born into the wrong body but have made due with the cards I was delt.
Lanna
It’s kind of like the former smoker who can quit for 10 years and then is triggered by a scent, visual cue or maybe stress. Maybe you’re imprinted at a young age and the issue is always there. One way or another, I think it’s a mental disorder that can’t be cured by changing the chemistry in your brain. I also believe that it’s a version of “irresistible impulse”. You’re triggered and cannot resist.
You can embrace it and look at it as a blessing or despise it and look at it as a curse.Hi Betty,
For me this started later in life, but the urge is very strong. I’m still trying to figure it out myself, but I don’t think I can ever quit dressing. I just feel like is such a big part of me that I just realized was missing just a few years ago. I think I somehow buried this part of me early on in life? Maybe I’m more gender fluid? I never really fit in with the guys, although I did play the part as best I could.
I’m still trying to sort it out, but I know that I get a sense of being more complete, when I can be dressed as a woman.
I hope that helps,
Hugs,
💕Lara
I believe it is something that is ingrained in us but how we deal is a matter for the individual. Is there a definitive answer to why we want to dress? There are many reasons such as influences when young, a traumatic experience, although I don’t believe it to be a mental illness there can be mental health reasons. For a lot of us it is something we have in us that drives the desire and ‘being born in the wrong body’ is one of course. Even having the desire within us some will have to live the life expected keeping it under wraps and even taking it to the grave. Then some will stop denying it and begin to accept the fact that it is part of them and let the female side come out and embrace it as the fact is once out they can’t stop. That is why I can’t stop as it has always been there and need to live the life.
I don’t think it is a “mental disorder” but just the way we were born. I still wonder if the trigger that started me dressing was sharing a room with my older sister when I was age 4-6 or so. I can go days without dressing but yet the urge and desire is always there and I know will never go away. I think of our So/Spouse gave us more support, many of us woudl explore it deeper and dress more often than we do
My wife says I am more calm and relaxed when dressed. I do find that I do not feel any guilt while dressed up
I believe the simple answer is brain chemistry. We do something, get a pleasurable response and the brain wants to do it again to repeat the pleasurable response. It is really no different then many of the things we do in life, be it playing gold, painting or stamp collecting. For many of us it just happens to be dressing. Just as I get no pleasure from stamp collecting, others don’t get pleasure from dressing (or may have never tried it.) Those of us who have enjoyed it, had positive brain responses, probably oxytocin release, or similar brain chemicals, and therefore the behaviour is reinforced. There is likely a lot more to it, the thrill of almost getting caught (a lot of chemicals released then), the taboo aspect of it (who doesn’t want to be a rebel of some sort), and for some, the sexual gratification many have experienced. Who doesn’t enjoy all those chemicals released with good sex?
As for the “why can’t you stop” aspect, I suspect there is a bit of an addiction happening, again do to all those brain chemicals. Oxytocin is a wonderful thing. It binds us to the breast as infants (and as adults😁), causes our mothers to want to feed us, helps us fall in love, to name just a few of its wonders. No doubt there are more such chemicals at work. As I have said many times, I pretty much stop trying to answer why, and I just accept the fact that it brings me pleasure, and no doubt release a few chemicals.
I think the bigger question, is why should you have to? I mean, why does it matter, really? why does clothing choice risk a relationship at all? I don’t mean to invalidate the feelings of spouses who struggle with this, but asking “why is this such a big deal” from one side of the fence is only half the issue.
Some people compare the desire to other hobbies. I have a tendency to try and do this when I want to make it look normal, but if I’m honest, there is something different with cross dressing. I don’t know exactly what that is. Having said that, it’s important for me personally to be able to control it. When I was younger I often experienced cross dressing as a kind of compulsion and it felt like I couldn’t control it. As I’ve gotten older, it’s important to me personally that I be able to “turn it off.” I regularly go for long periods of time without dressing because of circumstance and opportunity. I miss it sometimes, but it’s not a big deal and not being able to dress up doesn’t make me feel like I’m incomplete or something. Not dressing up is not the same as not getting to ski or do some other fun thing, but if I couldn’t control my desire, I would personally feel like something was very wrong.
Why do I dress up? There’s a particular feeling I get when I do it that doesn’t come from anything else. If I don’t have the feeling for long time, that’s ok, but it’s fun when I can.
You shouldn’t have to stop, I didn’t mean it that way at all. I’m just trying to understand the need to dress out of pure curiosity. Some CDs go to great lengths to hide it knowing it could be the end of their marriage and that is hard to understand for people who don’t have the need to dress. I understand it can feel good and feel right but then if it’s “just clothes” why is it worth the risk? Having said that, I believe everyone should be there true self, although it is complicated when this comes out late into a relationship.
Hey Betty,
I understood. I didn’t think you were saying anyone needed to stop. I understood your intent and I see my response maybe didn’t convey that. I think your question is really important and a useful starting point for self reflection and evaluation of this whole thing. My main point was that I think there’s a more fundamental question, and that has to do with our relationship to all the things we do. I admit my relationship to my second wardrobe is different than my relationship to other things. I don’t know why that is, and it’s one of the things that always kind of bothers me about this. Even when I feel confident there’s always a kind of background “maybe this is wrong” going on, and I think that’s really fascinating.You’re right, if it was “just clothes” then we wouldn’t care what we wore either way. One of the most fascinating aspects of the whole business, is that this particular interest is different than other interests. I don’t know why that is.
Without wanting to be judgemental, I’ve seen other cross dressers lose cherished relationships over this and that doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t really make sense on either side of the issue and I always suspect there are other problems going on. If my wife made me choose between our marriage and my wardrobe, I’d certainly choose my wife. My main thought was that both spouses should avoid ever getting into a situation where that’s a choice. I try to be sensitive to my wife in how and when I dress up, but I also expect her to work towards accepting. I think limits and boundaries are essential in any relationship.
I totally agree with you about how fascinating it is! Since I’m on this journey with my husband, I think about it often and try to understand it better. I’ve concluded I’ll never fully understand it, who does?
I also agree there can be progress and even support when things are worked on together, as a couple.
*their true self
Exactly. Why should we have to stop? It feels great, and I want more, lots more. I love 3 and 4 inch heels, and the sensations of hose on my legs is exhilarating. And a tight corset is wonderfully restricting. A constant hug around my body.
My spouse is strongly masculine. Recently she was grumbling that the was only one dress in our closet, and it was mine! Me, I saw it as a reason to get more! I have often said to her that I would love it if she wore dresses and skirts most of the time. But instead, she owns more pairs of jeans than I do! Her dad raised her as his third son.
So, go ahead and enjoy your en femme moments. And one day maybe you can live life as a woman full time, if that is your desire. I look forward to that possibility for me too!
Betty,
In my case, I do not want to stop at all. I now live 90% of my life out in public and 100% of my time at home dressed as a woman and will do so as long as I am physically able to. I’ve given up trying to figure out why I started cross dressing and really do not care anymore. I am comfortable and happy and that’s all that matters.
Fiona
Not too long before I was a child, the nuns use to use a ruler to slap the hands of kids who dare try to write with their left hands. Can you imagine having a part of you beaten out of existence?
In my opinion, all humans possess degrees of masculinity, as well as levels of femininity. For those of us with a strong feminine ratio and a need to express ourselves, we may turn to crossdressing. I personally couldn’t stop anymore than I could become left handed. If someone desperately wanted to stop, or not start, it would be possible if the person possessed a strong will. I have a strong will, but I do not want to stop.
I express, therefore I dress.
I’ve tried stopping throughout my younger years and I just went back to crossdressing. Well it was underdressing but when I got divorced, a door opened wide! That was 4 1/2 years ago and have been dressing ever since. It’s only part time but I love dressing. As one lady in the comments said “it’s how we are wired!” Another comment I like that was said earlier was “I’ve given up trying to figure out why I started crossdressing and I really don’t care anymore!“ My ex girlfriend didn’t understand and she broke up our relationship over my crossdressing and other things.
So why can’t I stop…I don’t know. Oh sure I can probably spend hundreds or thousands of dollars in copayments speaking to a psychologist but why when it cheaper just to dress 🤷♂️
😂
Ha! Dressing probably is cheaper than therapy lol.
allow me to interact, very interesting, the cd behaves like a drug, yes, it makes us fly high, do you understand? without contraindications. it would be interesting to understand if oxytocin is involved, as reported by a girl just now, or other neuromodulators, it’s a bit like always being in love or am I wrong?
It seems like there is something more to dressing than just enjoyment. I wonder if it is the release of good feeling chemicals in the brain, or, as so many have said, just a different wiring in the brain. It is different than other activities that bring someone joy, like a hobby. There is a different level of need and fulfillment than anything else that I can think of. It is so interesting and I thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Betty
It’s complicated. Some of it for me is young me wondering if I’d be better liked as a girl — yet I don’t really see transitioning as a need or option. And there’s a definite neurochemical aspect.
I’ve had times in my life where it was part of my life and times when it wasn’t. Life has had its ups and downs throughout so I can’t say the CD times were untarnished Golden Eras.
Maybe what I’ve learned is that it isn’t or shouldn’t be one or the other.
I tried crossdressing when I was young, it felt good. Six decades later I’m determined to have as much of it in my life as I can every day according to what the day requires of me.
Hi Betty
It’s just so much fun.
If you loved playing or watching sports would it be hard to stop? If you loved listening to or playing music would it be hard to stop? Or cooking? Cars? Walking in the mountains?
It’s what makes us us, and that’s wonderful. Denying being us is so hard, but many do it to ‘conform’, to be accepted.B x
Hi Bianca,
I can see how it is similar to the other hobbies or activities you mentioned but it is also very different. I don’t think many people would go to the great lengths to hide or make time for activities that aren’t dressing. Would anyone go to the lengths like they do to dress to play a round of golf? Maybe, but I would think it wouldn’t be worth the risk in losing a relationship over. Many ladies have things well hidden so they can continue to dress. That’s why it is hard to understand. I think the enjoyment from dressing is deeper than most other hobbies or interests. Thanks for sharing.Hugs,
BettyHi Betty
In my opinion it’s not really hard to understand. We love doing what we do for the same reason people everywhere have hobbies and passions for a million different things.
The fact that what we do is seen by so many as something to be ashamed of, to hide, to feel guilty about, is the fault of toxicities in society, not us.Social engineering that has moulded us all since childhood.
Our families, politics, religion, the media, film and TV, fashions, the playground, friends…the list of things that mould a society is very long.I can’t speak for previous generations but unfortunately in my lifetime the lot of the trans/crossdressing community has not been a happy one.
The toxic masculinity that pervades TV/film/media is an example. And in most cases (not all) a man who expresses his femininity through dressing or the way he acts is perceived by many women of my generation (50s) and older (where most of us on this site seem to be) as less of a man. Hence they do not want others to know that their man is ‘less’ than they wish him to be perceived. It’s the same with many in this community, I think many fear being perceived of as less of a man for doing it. Just an example in my view of things.I am so lucky and honoured to be seeing change for the good in society. I work with many women in their 20s and 30s, and get out to clubs now and again. Bianca is welcomed with open arms. They want to get to know me, chat about music, make up, fashion, perfumes, jewellery, as well as gender and sexuality issues, politics, and society. And any guys I have had contact with in their 20s and 30s seem cool with it, more are looking after their skin and health more, wearing jewellery, even make up/nail polish etc, and are willing to chat openly with me, not throw insults, or treat me as less of a person. In my little corner of the world anyway hope shines through.
B x
It’s just part of who I am, and part of who I’ve always been. As far as I can remember I’ve always had these feelings. I’m just expressing them more recently. I don’t feel like I will ever stop. I keep wanting to do it more and more. In my heart I am a woman.
Hi Julianna,
It makes the most sense to me when it matches how you feel inside. It is the exterior expression of what is inside. It isn’t so much a hobby or activity for those girls, it is just being yourself. Thanks for sharing.Hugs,
Betty
Betty, I have always said that, if it ever came down to having to choose between my wife & being Dawn, my wife would always win. For 5+ years, she has gone from tolerance to acceptance to supportive &, even, encouraging. But that cycle has gone in reverse, recently. She now has zero tolerance. Partially, because of my dressing, we were not talking for three straight days, last week. Saturday was the monthly meet-up of my local crossdressing group. I always go. The lady who hosts it, even schedules it around my schedule. Not to sound conceited, but I’m like the “star of the show”. Everyone looks forward to me being there. I’m the “life of the party”. They say it’s not the same when I’m not there. I’m largely responsible for growing their membership.
Well, as of Saturday morning, I thought I was still going. My wife was painting some garden ornaments & needed more paint. I offered to go to the store & get it. She said that the only thing she wanted, from me, was to “get rid of Dawn.” So, for the sake of our marriage, I didn’t go to the meet-up. If nothing else, I think, by not going, it made a strong statement, to her, that she is my top priority & more important than me being Dawn.
I haven’t actually dressed in about a month. Much of that is because I just haven’t had time. To be honest, being my CIS male self is a lot easier, but nowhere near as much fun.
Can I stop? I don’t know. I am Dawn & Dawn is me. I feel so liberated & natural when I’m femme. But, for my wife’s sake, I’m going to try to stop. I just don’t know what effect it will have on me.
Hi Dawn,
Your comment really hits home. It has only been a little over a year and I have been up and down and everything in between. I am usually accepting and supportive but I do get fed up with it and/or jealous at times. Sometimes it feels like another woman is taking up all of his time and thoughts. I think acceptance and support is not a linear concept. While this isn’t what I signed up for 15 years ago, I want to meet partway because I love my husband.It is so much more than clothes, actually, if it were just clothes that would be easier. It is being put in the position of setting boundaries but then feeling guilt for holding him back. Then is he pushing those boundaries? It’s hard to understand how this is the same person you have always known. It’s hard to have another woman (even if it is part time) in the relationship. It’s the worry of what comes next. The physical changes to the man you are attracted to. It is an incredible stress on the mind and a constant struggle between being supportive but also being true to myself. When it comes out late in an established relationship, compromise is as good as it’s going to get for everyone.
Hugs,
BettyMy wife could have written what you wrote there, Betty. I wish you two could chat. She sees me as “the other woman”. It’s like her husband is having an affair with me. I think she feels (or, at least, felt) like you do– that you tolerate it because you love him & because it makes him happy & you want him to be happy.
She often complains that she didn’t marry a woman & that it’s not what she “signed up for”– but neither did I. Yeah, I’ve had these feelings since I was a child, but they’ve manifested themselves with such intensity as I’ve gotten older. Unfortunately, they affect her.
Like you, she thinks that I’m constantly “pushing the envelope” & feels guilt for holding me back. She fears that I will start to resent her & has even offered to “get out of the way” of my happiness. But, as I’ve told her, she IS my happiness.
She’s asked me if I want to be a woman. I’ve admitted that I do. She’s worried that I will transition, but I’ve told her that I made vows to her on our wedding day– and I keep my word. I won’t do that to her.
I like what you said about compromise, but at this point, she’s not even willing to do that.
While I don’t feel my husband constantly pushes the envelope, I have realized how differently we view things. Things that seem small to him like wearing underdressing everyday, using different products, shaving his legs, etc. are big for me. We were reflecting on the past year and he said “I haven’t gone crazy with things.” He is right, he hasn’t but things have changed tremendously from where I sit. He is enjoying doing things he never thought he would be able to do and looks forward to adding more at some point. I love seeing him happy but it does feel like I’m losing him one piece at a time sometimes.
I think with enough love, respect, honesty, and communication, everyone can find a way to make it work.
Betty,
I’m right there with you, sister!! I’m trying soooo hard to be supportive! But, after almost 20 years of marriage to someone one way, to suddenly find out they are so different and have things flipped around, it’s jarring. Hugging my husband and feeling a bra under his shirt when he underdresses daily now, him shaving off the beard he’s had for over 15 years, shaving his legs and accumulating more high heels than I own has been a whirwhind for me. I love how happy he is. He’s so much more free and open, and it’s wonderful. But I have my good days and bad days with all of this.
I’m trying to find a therapist to talk to. I don’t want to dump all of my negative feelings on him because I don’t want him to feel like I’m placing blame or want him to stop being his true self, but I need an outlet. I have nobody. I’m just the keeper of the secret and his sherpa through womanhood. Some days it’s fun and fine, others it’s sad and I feel like I’ve lost “my man”. The broken trust of the feeling of “lying by omission” has been hard to get past too.
I came to this site to educate myself. I always look to absorb as much knowledge on a topic as I can. I find this place equal parts fascinating, helpful and terrifying. I’ve learned a lot, but I also see progression in some CDers that I fear happening down the road for my husband.
I’m going to keep trying and keep an open mind. In the end, I love my husband very much and want us both to be happy and keep us together.
Betty
Thanks for pushing topics that get to the heart of trying to understand why we crossdress. Without repeating too much of what has been posted here by others (a lot of which resonates with me), I do feel that is somewhat a compulsion. once I discovered the feeling on my body of nylon panties, slips, stockings, shapewear etc. The feeling of being “held” by these garments is soothing and erotic. I want to experience that again and again. I am so curious how women feel wearing the undergarments, lingerie and clothes that they have at their disposal. Does it make you feel erotic, beautiful, complete in some way? Crossdressing for me makes me sensually aware of my whole body. It is erotic as a more wholistic definition. Yes, it is sensually and sexually arousing depending on what I am wearing; however, it is more than that, it makes me feel more alive and in touch with beauty and my body sense – my skin, how I walk, my posture, my silhouette. I imagine that women must be in touch with these things, perhaps more than men? I don’t know. In any case, this aspect of Eros as life energy and being in touch with the sensuous nature of my body is what drives me to crossdress.
Evie
Hi Evie,
You hit on something that makes dressing different than other activities or hobbies. The sexual/sensual/erotic feelings. I’d be hard pressed to believe that anyone became aroused when they dressed for a round of golf! There is a deeper connection to dressing and that is what I am so interested in. I’ve wondered at times if there is, for some, a component of obsession? Is it possible that some CDs view women on a pedestal and want to emulate what it feels like to be on that pedestal? If you are infatuated with women it isn’t hard to understand why you would want to become that which infatuates you from time to time.To answer your questions, maybe some women are in touch with the fabrics or style of clothes. I might feel a bit more attractive dressing up but I’m counting the minutes until I can take it off and be more comfortable lol.
Hugs,
BettyBetty
I actually have fantasized about playing golf with the ladies while dressed in short shorts and a cute top- haha!
I do think there is an aspect of female worship. I think part of why I do this is related to autogynephilia. I am fascinated by women (mostly). Their ease in talking about almost anything. Their ability to look stylish (even though it can take some work). The choices they have for clothes – OMG.
Hi Evie
As I wrote in another post recently, my SO has if not erotically feelings, exactly the same good feelings when dressing as I have when I put on my girly clothes. She told me that she loves the hugging and tight feeling of her clothes, she even wears shape wear though she doesn’t need to. She just love to feel very feminine and she gets tha feeling from the fine fabrics her clothes are made of. When we do gardening she still wears a skirt and nylons and really detest when I ask her to put on some jeans because we have to clear some scrubs in the garden. She is definitely as much in love with her clothes as I am. We both like to get our womens clothes of in the end of the day because we want to feel more comfortable and then we will dress in our nightgowns ready to go to bed.
I can only speak for my self.
I can stop. But for me, “dressing” is a way to express a very important part of who I am. Keeping all proportions, it is like getting Salvador Dali to stop painting. Stopping usually comes with a price to pay.
The price depends on the individual.Some turn angry. Some will jump into the deep end of a bottle of scotch. Or pills or other drugs. Or depression. Or just get into a continuous state of sadness and melancholy. Or kill themselves working 20 hours a day.
Is it worth risking losing everything else we hold dear? Depends on the individual and their personal motivations.
So, finding a balance where we both can “live with it” is quite necessary. Because there is always hope that wives will realize that part of the reason they fell in love with us in the first place included certain something that made us “special”… a kindness, a certain “je ne sais quoi”, a secret sauce… (enough with the analogies, you get the point). And hopefully both are willing to make certain concessions.
Hi Gabriela,
I think my husband could stop, for the most part, if he was put into that position. I see the joy it brings him and I wouldn’t want to take that away. I can look back on the years and appreciate that “she” has always been there, even if I didn’t know it at the time. It takes time to get used to seeing on the outside, what has always been on the inside.Hugs,
Betty
Hi Betty,
Some of my earliest childhood memories are of me trying on my cousins dresses and shoes. I have been crossdressing my entire life and I don’t know why I feel the need to do so. If I could take a pill and it would go away I would do it for the sake of my relationships. I have tried many times to stop and I can do it for a time stretching to years but the longer I deny the urge the stronger it becomes to the point that it becomes hard to think about anything else. Each time I tried to stop I was convinced that this time I would succeed. I am the kind of person that you can count on to do what I say I will do but this has been one monkey that has never left my back. For the sake of my wife I have always dressed in private. She knows I am a crossdresser but doesn’t want to see or think of me that way so I have respected her wishes. That has changed recently since her health has gotten worse and I no longer get much private time to be able to scratch that itch. So we have been talking and making some compromises so that I can be happy. These talks have been hard because I’ve done such I good job of keeping it private she thought I quit dressing a long time ago. After a lot of talking, she OK’d my getting a makeover and also attending a CD mixer. She lets me take her to a card group once every week or two so I can have a little private time and we have made other compromises. This is all hard for her but she loves me and wants to support me. I hate asking for these things but now at 75 years old I know that I will always be a crossdresser and that I cannot live a happy life without Michelle in it. I don’t know why any more than I know why I was born with brown eyes.
I truly admire how much you love your husband and work to support him. If I ever stumble on that pill I’ll send you one you can slip in his coffee:)
Hugs,
Michelle
Thank you for your kind words. We have had that talk about pushing a magic button to make it all go away. I said I would push it and he agreed he would as well but he would still miss the joy that dressing brings him. I’m glad your wife is willing to meet you partway these days.
Hugs,
Betty
Hi Betty,
Thanks for asking the question and sharing insights on your relationship in your replies.
There’s a lot going on inside any cross dresser. I think this is particularly true for those of us who from early life have felt different, perhaps w/o quite understanding what they were feeling. Most did quickly realized that some of those feelings had to be hidden to avoid ridicule or rejection by their family and friends, and this led to years, perhaps decades of repression and denial. Not altogether good for mental health.
Most of us had limited experience beyond sneaking a pair of panties or stockings as a teen. Even such episodes represented cause for momentary elation followed by guilt and shame. You might think that any experience that had enduring negative associations would be easy to quit and avoid in the future.
I think its fair to say that almost all of us have stopped and abstained for long intervals. Guilt, shame, fear and threats may all have been enough to make a person stop for a period of time. Ironically, despite the guilt, shame and perhaps even long periods when the desire seemed absent from out thoughts, it manages to come creeping back from hiding in the deep recesses of the mind. I suppose the desire to dress is a bit like the herpes/chicken pox virus…. The symptoms fade but the virus remains embedded in every cell waiting for a chance to re-emerge.
I think its also fair to say that your husband can potentially quit for a time. We all have. He has. Perhaps with daily reinforcement he can stretch the period of abstinence for days, weeks or months. I doubt that he can rid his mind of the thought, but perhaps the two of you can find ways to divert his attention.
One concern would be the possibility that suppressing the want/need to cross dress might lead to some other compensating behaviors. Some people get irritable. Others indulge in pornography, or alcohol. Those assorted behaviors can be equally damaging to a relationship. (I know from personal experience.)
On the flip side, any of us may be prone to excess, particularly if we finally feel free to express this part of ourselves. The feeling you describe…of being supplanted by this other person are entirely legitimate and understandable. Again, speaking from personal experience, its easy to get caught up in the euphoria, and one can quickly lose perspective.
As you have heard many times before, communication is the key to working through the situation. Talking about cross dressing is sometimes a threatening experience, and honestly, many of us are unsure about what we want, what we hope for from a partner, and where (if anywhere) it may lead. And the same is true for you as a partner. You may still be thinking about how you feel, what you can handle now and what you may need going forwards. Thats why communication is often easier under the guidance of an impartial, professional counselor. That person can help guide conversation and keep it on track and productive. That is why I strongly encourage joint counseling.
Hi Kim,
Thank you for your response. We have looked into couples counseling that is specific to gender but we are communicating well and things are going well, so we have put that on hold. I do therapy on my own to work on myself but it has also been helpful with my husband’s dressing. There are so many feelings that pop up and it is helpful to work on in therapy. In a session last week I was talking about how much I hate feeling like the closet warden and my therapist asked me if I feel like I am holding my husband back. That is exactly it, I just hadn’t put it all together on my own. I have guilt for having to take things slow and compromise. Learning about dressing and what fuels the need is very helpful. It isn’t wrong in any way but it is a change from the first 14 years together.Hugs,
BettyHi Betty,
All we can expect from ourselves and each other is mutual respect, compassion and patience. Seems like you are doing the best you can, and just as your husband shouldn’t feel guilty about this part of himself, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about needing time to understand and adjust.
Best wishes to both of you!
Kim
Betty,I wish I had a definite answer for you as to why we crossdress.For me,it makes me feel complete.I have known since I was 10 years of age that I was and felt different from other young boys my age.Add to that that all empowering Roman Catholic guilt and an Irish mother and German father.I have accomplished all the manly things,service in the Army{82nd Airborne Recon}VietNam 69,street racer{thats why Mom and Dad went gray haired early in life}lol.Built my own race car to run on the drag strip,GM mechanic for 20 years,just retired from court security at a justice court in Arizona for 17 years.I have but a high school education ,it makes me feel complete and it helps the local economy very well.Please forgive that last remark,,my attempt at humor.Sincerely Michelle.
Why did you proceed from the assumption that I am the one who is defective and should want to give you an explanation, but you are the one who’s totally ok, except you just have a couple of questions?
You ask why its so hard to stop, but you didn’t specify why it was so important that we do. Also not every relationship a crossdresser is involved in is by definition ‘at risk.’ It never has to be that way, except that there are people who have no other answer for themselves but to make it that way.
There’s nothing wrong with me. Or anyone else who doesn’t meet qualifications for wearing the wrong clothes. You want to know why I keep doing it? I found as much peace and happiness and kindness and friendship existing outside of this kind of ‘acceptance’ as I have seeking it. And life is too short to lose that. Yes, it stresses some close relationships, but just because I can’t fix that for someone else doesn’t mean they get to ruin it for me.
Jill,
I feel that your have taken offense to something that was not intended that way. I ask to better understand my own husband. I didn’t suggest that it was wrong or that you are defective in any way. I am trying hard to understand something that does go against societal norms. Please don’t confuse my desire to learn with condemnation. I want to understand dressing better in order to be even more supportive than I already am. I sincerely apologize if my wording came across in a judgmental or threatening manner. We all can learn so much from each other.Hugs,
BettyOne of my reasons is that I wanted to see what things are like for women. Because I cross-dress, I think I have a better understanding of the cost of women’s clothes, how uncomfortable high heels can be, how much effort goes into doing makeup properly, etc. You asked your question because you wanted to learn, and at least some of us started dressing so that we could learn. And we don’t stop because there is always something new or something more to learn, plus of course because we learn to enjoy it!
Jennifer,
That makes so much sense! I do think that it makes men more understanding of women to various degrees. Again, the more we can learn about each other, the better it is for everyone.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
BettySpeaking only for myself, for me that was not a reason why I dressed, but it is a benefit of dressing. I do feel it gives us a different perspective of things, and while we truly can’t see things as a GG does, it does give us insight into such things.
If this were a major reason to dress, then in theory, it would be easy to stop, which for most it is not.
Betty,
I appreciate very much the consideration and patience in your response to what I wrote. That you singled out crossdressers who are not trans or gender fluid (as though, ok you get that, but if you’re not that what could possibly be the reason?) hit very close to home for me. I was married and had two kids before I even started this, and in the years preceding it never would have guessed that this would be me. Needless to say there were some difficult times. For my wife the idea that I still was the same person–and that the dressing didnt mean something more in terms of gender or sexual identity–seemed impossible to believe.As shocking and upsetting as it was for her, not knowing the meaning of it, she sought a path to acceptance. If my wife asked me the questions you posed, even in a effort to understand the why and wherefore, it would have been hurtful. Maybe its just a poor choice of words, but the shame and rejection they imply is as almost as good as if it were intentional. To me “why can’t you stop” decodes as “I wish it would just go away, why can’t you make it go away”; as though we haven’t asked ourselves that ten million times and that the best outcome would be if this part of ourselves we’ve been listening to should just cease to exist. “Risking your relationships” decodes as a blackmail threat–that I will be forced into the most painful possible choice, between two futures neither of which I will be able to live in as a complete person. These are not the only choices, and if a better understanding of your husband is really what you want I just respectfully don’t think these are the right questions to ask.
I’m not saying that as a crossdresser, I don’t have a responsibility to understand and navigate through the emotions that result in others, and to respect the integrity of our married life. It is all about compromise and consent, no different than in anything else I do with my time or my free will. If you want to know what it is he needs or feels, ask exactly that, directly and affirmatively. Instead of why can’t you stop, how about, What do you feel when you’re dressed, that you can’t feel unless you dress?
Jill
Jill,
Again, I apologize for any upset my choice of words has caused. I truly do have the best intentions and eagerness to understand something that is relatively new to me. I appreciate your feedback and the time you have taken in your comments. I wish you all the best and all the happiness that life has to offer. If you don’t mind me saying so, I love your style and grace that I see in your pictures. You are a classy lady and it shows.Hugs,
BettyBetty,
Thank you for taking the time to listen, and I apologize to you if my defensiveness toward lack of acceptance in the world at large came down too much on you individually. Your good intentions and desire to understand are what will be truly important to your relationship. And I appreciate your compliment on my pictures too.
Jill
Hi Betty. I think the answer is different for everyone and it evolves over time. I never thought I’d be a member of a cross dressing web site, I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d walk down the street as Melanie.
I’ve heard many times that it’s just clothes, for me it isn’t. I don’t wear heels because they are comfortable I wear them because they make me feel pretty. Dressing is deeper for me than just what people see and the clothes I wear. Maybe it’s the rush of endorphins I feel when I look in the mirror, but the reasons we dress aren’t actually important. The reasons we stop could be, do we stop because others are uncomfortable seeing a man in a dress? Do we stop because our wives and families can’t handle us expressing this side of ourselves? To me giving something up that I love to do is difficult, especially when it doesn’t hurt anyone. Personally I think dressing can be good for the soul because the alternative is a life of suppressing one’s self and not being honest to those we love most.I have heard “because I feel pretty” from some of the ladies I’ve had the pleasure of talking to. I can wrap my head around that. I feel best when I have little things like my toenails painted and had never considered that it might feel nice for a man as well until I started asking the “why” questions.
We should all be able to feel our best.
Hugs,
BettySo true Betty. It’s an odd thing for me to admit but I feel the same way. As men we aren’t allowed to express such things and sometimes dressing gives me an escape where I can have fun with myself much like ladies are free to do. Many of us are envious of the freedom women enjoy, I know I sure do.
This is so true, at least for me. I am not a mirror person, except when dressed, then a different personality emerges. I feel pretty (to me, but not likely to others, and I am fine with that.) I know I am getting all kinds of brain chemicals released so it is reinforcing, and to a certain extent addictive. I suspect there is a positive reinforcement aspect to dressing which is why it is hard for some to stop. I have no doubt for some dressing is as addictive as gambling or smoking. From most it is reinforced, but not truly addictive in the classic sense.
I blame my wife for my dressing, or at least for it’s continuation. I started with bras and panties and often ended up in bed having great sex. She really knows how to touch me through my lingerie and that just reinforces my likely to wear it. The same has been true as I dressed more. She knows I enjoy it so she does things that feel great, and thus reinforces my dressing.
I think many of us could stop if we really wanted to, but would need the help of therapy and negative reinforcement. Personally, I do not want to stop, never have tried, and wonder how easy/hard it would be , but I doubt I will ever find out.
A very easy answer for me, I’ve known I was supposed to be a girl since I was 4 years old or even younger. I am a transgender woman, asking why I can’t stop is like asking me why I breathe. Wearing women’s apparel has, for me, always been wearing “my clothes.” It is an integral part of my life, of who I am.
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Hi Lauren,
I know it is not crossdressing when you are transgender and that is why I mentioned that in my question. When dressing isn’t an outward representation of the inner self, I have trouble understanding it. I’ve talked to some CDers that are offended at the suggestion of being trans, gender fluid, or anything other than 100% male. So, for those that aren’t trans or gender fluid, what is fulfilling about dressing female? I’m not suggesting it is a bad things or wrong in any way, I am just wanting to understand that desire and why it is so important if it isn’t a reflection of gender identity. For those that dress for reasons other than gender identity, it is difficult to understand the lengths taken to hide it or to take the risk in coming out to a SO.I hope I have chosen my words well as to not offend anyone. Know that I love and support everyone and my questions are a genuine attempt to become more informed. There is value in taking the time to learn about people that are different than ourselves.
Hugs,
BettyGood morning Betty,
It is Good Friday morning, and I’m having a day off which will allow me some time to reply to so many of my favorite people. I know that what I’m going to say here is going to offend some of the girls, but…
…they have to take a very good look into the depths of their souls and see what is true. As I say, I knew at a very young age that I was supposed to be a girl, that knowledge NEVER went away. But the cultural and societal norms of the day didn’t make any allowances or have any acceptance for feminine boys. As a boy you were expected to fulfill the role you were born into, there were no exceptions! If, and I was one of those, you were feminine and a bit girly, you paid a hefty price!
So…you learned very quickly that you had to hide those feelings and do your best to behave as the boy everyone expected to see. Those expectations are so ingrained in our culture, where the ‘alpha male’ is seen by some as the perfect example of manhood, that many of us tried to bury the feminine part of our soul. We got involved in “manly things”, sports, the military, law enforcement, fire fighting, anything that would convey to the surrounding world that we were anything but feminine.
Some of us, like myself, came to understand that we couldn’t ignore that part of us, and we came to a point where we embraced the woman inside. Others, are still only letting that person to have a few moments where she can be free.
It is my belief that all those who crossdress, and I was one, are, in fact, really transgender and were born that way. But as I said at the top, my viewpoint is not popular with any crossdresser who is not able or willing, to embrace their femininity.
Hugs Betty,
Ms. Lauren M
Lauren,
Every CD that I have asked has said they should have been or would have chosen to be born female. I am certain that if I asked enough CDs that question, there would be those that would say they are male and were born into the correct body. Maybe I should make a poll? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter as we are all just people trying to find happiness on a giant rocks that swirls in the sky.Hugs,
Betty
Hi Betty,
A great topic and a question we have all asked. I think most of is have been through the cycle of desire – shame- avoidance. You desire to be a woman, but after awhile you start thinking this cannot be, so you then go through a period of trying to be more of a man. In this cycle you collect stuff, then eventually purge it. Ive been dressing up since i was a child and have been through this cycle many times. Im finally realizing that it will in fact never go away. I told my wife its been a little rocky but she has been more accepting than I thought possible. Now I dont have to go through that cycle anymore and its such a relief. I dont know what my future looks like still, but just admitting to myself who I am has been very freeing. I wish you the best and hope this site is helpful for you!
Hi Lily,
I understand CDing best when there is an underlying desire to be female. The cycle you describe makes sense and helps me see the whole picture as it is for those that go through the cycle. Thanks for sharing.Hugs,
Betty
-
Hi Betty.
As you have read there are many reasons we believe that makes us do what we do and none of them are wrong. In the future if a single sole reason for cross dressing is discovered that person will certainly get the Nobel prize and a whole sisterhood around the world will sigh in relief.
I’ve stopped searching for THE REASON and all I can say is I dress for my mental health. I’m so much happier now and at peace than ever before in my life.
Kudos to you for trying to understand something we cannot understand about ourselves.
Hi Betty, this is my 1st writting on CH, and English is not my 1st language. So the wording might not be perfect, be kind with me. I will used the pin point method, in order to be shorter.
-It began at 10 or 12 like most of us.
-Was in the closet up to 55 Yold,
-Then separation, for all reason except crossdressing.
-Bought a house in country side, and crossdressed as much as i want.
-Had a 2nd wife at 65 Y old, she knew i was a crossdresser, still with her,
-She is very supportive, accept who i am with my good and bad side.
-Now to your question. -Why can’t we stop ??
-When our mother give us birth, is’t not 100% male or female, but some maybe
-That leave’s the rest at 45/55% female or reverse, think at whatever % you want on male or female side, and that his probably why there is feminine man and masculine female, leaving us with how many kind of gender ??.
-Other thing, aborigene people like North American Indian in the ancient years had 5 genders, male, female, two spirits, and the 2 other kind i don’t know, is it the same today ????
-The 2 Spirits was, i think ”like us”, partly male and female, where special member of the tribe, respected by other members of said tribe, because of the way they were.
-Most of the aborigene people around the world accept the fact that life is made of more than two gender
-All the CD members that made comments gave you good answers
-Communication is the basement of your relation
-As for myself, in late 70’s, very few people know’s my crossdressing
-Depending the way i wake up, it is male or female in the house, and drab if i have to go in public area.
-Be kind with yourself and put boundaries if you think it is needed.
-Both of you take care, life is so short.Guylaine,
Thank you for sharing. I’d love to read more about the aborigine genders. I’ve started to think that maybe none of us are male or female, but exist on a gender spectrum.Hugs,
BettyHi Betty,
Yes ! Just that. I’m not saying it’s a perfect answer, maybe not detailed enough for some of us, but it explains a lot and is a mantra I use too.
eM xxx
Hi Betty,
From this girl’s 72 years of being a crossdresser I can tell you that, regardless of when the desire to dress as a girl manifests it’s self, it has been a part of you from the day you were born. I was attracted to soft silky things when I was 4 or 5. I started dressing completely in my early teens. For my parents and wife with the hopes of ‘curing’ myself I went to a psychiatrist for a while and then to a psychologist for months where I was given aversion therapy which was electric shocks. Neither of these put a dent in my desires to dress as a female. Why, because crossdressing is not a disease. It is an inherent part of you and always wii be.
Trish ❤️
Like you, starting at the age of 5 have have had the desirer. My difference has been that since that young age I have always believed I should have been born female. Most of my traits are very feminine. I don’t act feminine, just feel it. I once heard the best description for how I feel. “Inhale pink, exhale blue!”
I know that you are posing this to those who are not trans and I consider myself trans. I cannot speak for all crossdressers as every person is different. I do think that some crossdressers might really be trans. I considered myself a crossdresser for most of my life. I just did not look far enough within myself. So for me dressing during those years, was part of my identity, who I really was. I spend so much of my life living like others expected me to and not breaking away for fear of disapproval. So dressing or treating myself like a woman, shaving my legs or underwearing garmets, was an action of self care for a person who constantly put their own needs last. Of course, afterwards the guilt and shame (toxic shame), would raise it’s ugly head and I would clean up and even purge. The fear of, what if someone caught me or saw a bra strap was terrifying.
I have grown so much since those days. Therapy, self help books, articles on the internet, meditation and reading about transwomen who live their lives have helped me on my path. I am not sure where my path is going, but this is a healing journey for me. There is probably not a finally destination for me. This will be a continuing journey of growth. (I might write an article on that).
Those who I grew up around were very toxic, emotionally wounded and unknowingly fearful people. I refuse to live like that.
Hi Betty,
This has taken me several days to write, between my own time, holidays, and dealing with a medical condition. I am posting this without looking at any other responses.
For me there isn’t a single reason. There are many. I will try to relay a few.
The desire for me goes back to very young childhood. My aunt got married when I was about 2. She wore a high neck satin wedding gown. For me, the feeling of satin (or slippery material) on my body made me tingle. Not that I knew the word. It tickled, yet it also scared me with a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Perhaps this is somewhat akin to why people come back to scary movies. The adrenaline rush gives them a similar feeling. I have other experiences with this. I remember one summer in Radio City Music Hall where my mom went to get us some snacks (leaving us alone those days wasn’t considered a no-no). When her skirt brushed against my bare legs, it tingled. Another time my mom was leaning into my youngest brother’s baby carriage. Her skirt brushed my legs causing a shiver and a tingle. When I would go to the barber shop, they would put the tissue paper on my neck (which caused a similar shiver/tingle feeling), then the nylon cape. To me I imagined it was a dress, particularly in the summer when wearing shorts and the cape covered my shorts. I even imagined it to be like my aunt’s wedding dress, tight and tingly at the neck.
This caused all sorts of fantasies for me when I was alone, particularly in bed at night. I conditioned myself to imagine wearing these kind of dresses for many years, even into my teenage years. It became pleasurable in it’s own right. A lot of it became self gratification, but I would also just wrap the covers tight around my legs to make it into a tight skirt. When skirts weren’t made of slippery material, there was always the nylon half slip underneath.
My sister had a yellow nylon party dress with panties and a slip. After she wore it, my mom would hand wash it and hang it to dry on the shower rod. I would often stand on the edge of the tub and take my shirt off and feel the skirt of the dress make my chest tingle as I reached up into the dress. I never got very far (I wouldn’t have been able to rehang it on the shower rod) but the feeling was pleasant. I had always wondered if it made me feel like that from just a moment’s touch, how would it feel to wear it for hours on end? Two years ago I bought myself a similar dress in white just to feel the tingle against my skin. You can see this in my Halloween photos from 2022. (I have one public and 4 private photos). And I will wear it sometimes just to feel the softness against my skin. I have conditioned myself for so long, it is impossible for me to stop.
I have come to just like wearing skirts or dresses. Many of my skirts are in a solid color or in subtle patterns. They are not excessively flowery or feminine colors. Yet it is clear that people aren’t ready for men to wear such clothing. We even talk about a “man in a dress” as if it is something terribly wrong. Yet we see many examples of men in dresses or skirts. But when we do, we just don’t call them dresses or skirts, we give it another name to protect the man’s ego (or the emperor’s new clothes syndrome if you will). Coming out of a shower, men will wrap a towel around their waist. By my account, that’s a skirt. But no one ever calls it that. A bathrobe is a wrap dress. A kilt is worn like a skirt. Tribal people may wear a sarong or skirt-like garment. Check out Star Trek – The Apple for an example. Arabs (think Laurence of Arabia) wear caftans which looks to me like a dress. Scrooge wore a night shirt (at least Wee Willie Winkle calls it a nightgown). Roman chariot drivers wore miniskirts. Ancient Greeks wore togas. Friar Tuck is pictured in a “robe” which is really a dress. The same can be said of biblical robes. So if I want to put on a skirt instead of pants, why is it suddenly so wrong?
Women wearing men’s things are considered sexy. Maybe it is her wearing the man’s pajama top, or as in this old Brut commercial, her husband’s shirt, tie and hat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4T-O3ipe3o Men wearing women’s things are considered comical or just wrong. Be it many examples by Bugs Bunny, or Bosom Buddies, or Tootsie, there is often a comedy element in it. Here is an example of a man finding a bra and panty set in the dressing room and trying it on when a fire started on his clothes and he had to run out of the store dressed that way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oABhUO41Gec My ex always wanted “man tailored” shirts, but couldn’t understand why I want to wear a skirt. It’s OK for women to want men’s things, but men wanting women’s things raises all sorts of red flags.
So it is obvious that if I want to go out wearing women’s clothing, I have to make myself look like a woman. In the years after the internet became somewhat popular, I have seen many videos of crossdressers in public. My desire to just be able to go out and do that grew. Why do I feel the need to go out? I just want to be able to wear what I want to wear, as long as it isn’t ridiculously out of place. I think the best answer to the question “Couldn’t you just wear it around the house?” is that the house is just a bigger closet.
When I had the opportunity, I went for a makeover at a transformation place, with dinner out afterwards. I just wanted an opportunity to go out dressed as a woman. About a half a year later, I started attended parties at the woman’s home while dressed (and occasional outings). It fulfilled my need to go out dressed in a safe environment. There is a need to find people with similar interests, either other crossdressers or others who won’t treat you badly because of what you are wearing. I had no idea that the community was so large. I gained confidence going out, and actually enjoy presenting as a woman just as much as only wearing women’s clothing.
Different clothing changes how we feel and how we behave. I’m sure you feel different in a party dress, in leggings, and in sweatpants. The outfit psyches you up for the different events. It is no different for me. I feel different in a suit, in jeans, and in shorts. But I also feel different in a party dress, or in a skirt and top, or in some kind of uniform at a costume party. I feel different in a skirt and tank top than I do in a skirt and more formal top. While most men don’t want to know what it feels like to wear a dress or skirt, crossdressers not only want to, but crave the opportunity to wear these different styles of clothing. Also, when out, men are often treated differently from women. This becomes obvious when you suddenly are “playing for the other team.”
As I’ve said, I’m happy at home to wear a skirt or dress with no makeup, no shapewear, no forms, no wig, flat shoes or women’s sneakers. It’s just clothes. But if I want to go out, I have to do enough to make me look feminine. It doesn’t require a full makeover if I’m just going for a walk or to the supermarket. In these cases I need some beard cover, breast forms, and wig or bangs (my hair is long but my forehead still says male). I may add some concealer to minimize the bags under my eyes, or if I’m just outdoors, I’ll wear sunglasses. I’ve come to enjoy presenting as a woman even though it isn’t my core need.
Perhaps from learning to parent from my mom, perhaps from growing up in the age of feminism where men do more for the household and family, or perhaps it is just my softer side coming through, but I have done a lot of the “mothering” of my children. I have taken them to and from friends and events, supported them in their events, watched them, sacrificing my time and doing without when they needed, and did most of the parent-teacher nights.
I did stop for a short while to try to work on the marriage. But my ex didn’t seem to want to make even the smallest of changes, making excuses instead. So I decided there was no reason I should keep my promise if she wasn’t going to work on hers. This is what eventually led to my first makeover and going out of the house (previously it was only done in private and by myself).
For me, dressing has become a large part of who I am. It brings on a state of calm in me. It has changed my outlook on parts of the world. It has helped close the gender gap; even if it still is a chasm, I have taken some steps to narrow it rather than widen it. Asking me to stop would be losing a part of myself. And while I could change what I do, it still wouldn’t change how I feel. It would just leave an empty hole in my heart.
I have thought for a longtime that a great part of why many CD are the chromosomes especially for those that want to transition. I have not seen any studies on this but then I have not looked deeply. For me, I like wearing female attire only because of the variety of styles and colors and fabrics; male stuff is well named “drab.” Best, Marlene.
Jessie,
Wondering what is next is definitely something I am dealing with. Asking “why can’t you stop” is me trying to understand the pull that dressing has on the people that enjoy it. I know it feels good and/or feels right but it is deeper than that. Many CDs try to give it up and come back to it because it is so meaningful. For those of us who don’t dress, it is hard to understand the allure of it. It isn’t wrong, or bad, or anything like that, it is just hard to understand why it is so powerful. Again, I want to understand and learn to better myself and be a more supportive wife. I know that some of my questions can come of the wrong way and I do apologize for that. I appreciate all the time and support you lovely ladies give me.Hugs,
BettyHey girl,
I typed a long response the other night but it looks like I sent it to outer space somewhere lol. I like what you said about “feminine energy.” Maybe no one is definitively male or female, but there is more of a spectrum within each of us.Hugs,
Betty
- The forum ‘General Chat “Life as it Goes On”’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments