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I have been dressing in varying degrees since before puberty. I have no idea how it started but back then I could easily leave the house in what I thought at the time made me look like a tomboy and pretend I was a girl. I even had a name, Lucy. It was a game, but why did I do it? As a child, even in drab I looked feminine and on many occasions was mistaken for a girl so did the game develop from my girlish appearance, or did it hint at a desire to be a girl, and perhaps my girlish looks and build hinted at me perhaps being actually somewhere between girl and boy?
Once society beat it out of me I stopped going out as Lucy and haven’t been outside dressed in 30 years. But still I dressed. During my teens it became a sexual thing and I would borrow underwear for sexual gratification and this was intermixed with borrowing other clothes and just dressing in my room. When I left home and moved into a flat with a friend, my dressing absolutely had to stop, and I relied on my then girlfriend to occasionally leave items behind.
When I eventually lived on my own my dressing expanded and I began to buy my own clothes. I wore knickers every day and slept in a nightie. I shaved my legs and I had a couple of items of clothing and I enjoyed my own space. Then, when my new girlfriend moved in I purged. The lot. That was 2005 and I put it all behind me. We got married, had a couple of kids, moved house a few times and Lucy went on a long holiday. It was 10 years before she came back, although I had tried on some of my wife’s clothes, including her wedding dress (!) on the sly. Then in 2016 I started dressing again; I started wearing knickers under my man clothes and started building up a hidden wardrobe. I dressed when I could and realised I hadn’t felt so comfortable in a long time. What’s more, the sexual dimension had completely evaporated and I dress now just because I like the way I look and feel.
I was recently found out by my wife. I had been planning to tell her for months because the secrecy was just horrible, but she beat me to it. She couldn’t have been better about it, and it has definitely reaffirmed my love for her and I could not feel any luckier. And this has led to some interesting developments which has had me asking questions I had never contemplated before.
My new freedom has allowed me the scope to try things that I could not do in the closet, like shaping my eyebrows, shaving the top of my chest, and trimming the rest of my body hair. I still have a very slim build for a man, except the over 40 fat deposits, and I think that with my beard shadow covered I look almost passable (I look like my sister, which is a bit weird) and this brings me back to the same questions as before: am I somewhere between man and woman? Do I want to live as a woman? Should I have been born female?
I’m sure these questions haunt us all at some time. As I write I’m in drab (except the knickers), unshaven and drinking ale out of the bottle. I dazzle my friends with my burping vocabulary and I hanker after American muscle cars of the 1960s and British Fords of the 1970s. Yet I love dresses, lingerie and makeup and I long to show the world my female self. I would like nothing more than to walk unnoticed into a bar or along the high street in a dress.
In short, I just don’t know why. I’m on this journey but the map is incomplete. I will take a few more wrong turns I’m sure, but it’s the scenic route and there are plenty of places to stop and enjoy the view.
Susanna, I used to ask myself the same question over and over and have never found the answer. It is as much a part of me as my fingerprints. I don’t bother anymore and just live life as Gina the best I can. That’s all we can do. You are so fortunate to have married such a wonderful woman.
Gina: re “It is as much a part of me as my fingerprints.” That’s just perfect.
Dear Susanna,
How lovely to read your story. We all have had or are having the same worries. So glad to hear that your wife is OK abut it. I am in the same position all except my wife has not ( to my knowledge ) made the discovery so I am loving dressing but am in fear of her finding out before I tell her. Also I have no idea of how it might go if I do tell her- a huge huge quandary which is so stressful. Perhaps the cross dressing continues to counteract this stress- who knows. Any advice would be most appreciated.
I hope that things continue well for you.
Masie x
There are a lot of familiar elements to your story, Susanna. Other than a one year or so period in college where I wore panties once in a while purely for sexual reasons, I’m a “late bloomer” so to speak, waiting until my mid-40s to even start. Some things – like walking in heels – just sort of came naturally to me. (My wife jokes that I walk better in heels than she does.) Other things – like makeup, ugh – baffle the hell out of me, and leave me confused as I try to “catch up” and learn things I should’ve learned in my teens and early 20s if I were a “girl.”
I’ve long decided that I’m “gender fluid” though for now I choose to present to the world as male only. My wife and kids know, a few friends – none local – know, and of course all the gals here. I don’t expect I’ll ever “come out of the closet” to the world at large; but then again, a year ago I never would’ve expected to own breast forms, dresses, heels, and so on. So who knows…
I’ve read more than one of your replies to various threads Rose. All have been uplifting and encouraging to me. I have to ask about this one though. I only ask to understand for myself. Why do you think it is that, considering your wife, children, and (I assume) your closest friend know about your dressing, you do not dress publicly on occasion? It seems you already have the worst hurdles behind you.
Love and support
Eryca
Susanna,
You Nailed it!
I can’t believe how many of us have such similar stories.I’m having a tough week as I finally disclosed my secret to my wife and she is trying to block out the thought of her man in girly clothes.
Hopefully we can come to an agreement on when Hannah can get her chance to shine.Hannah
Susanna, yours is a familiar story here at CDH. Similar to mine with the exception that my wife hasn’t yet granted me the freedom to more fully express my Jillian side.
I have no earthly idea as to why I crossdress, I never have, I doubt I ever will. In fact I’ve grown tired of asking myself. I just know that I do and will continue. If my journey takes me further, I’ll deal when the time comes.
I hope we can walk our paths together and help each other along the way.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply. There are, I think, as many reasons for cross dressing as there are cross dressers; we are unique. Thanks to the Internet and sites like this many of us get to be unique but not alone. I’ve flitted about between sites, and so far this one seems to be lacking in the usual predators, which is another post for another day. It’s great to be able to express my thoughts with people who know where I’m coming from.
It’s great to be in the open with my wife, although she has said she doesn’t want to see me dressed yet and it’s a real boost. Good luck, Hannah, I’m sure it’ll be fine as you’re still the same person she married, and the feminine part of you makes up the whole, albeit usually hidden away. I’m slowly letting mine get comfortable with my femme side in the hopes that she will ask to see dressed but I think that’s a way off yet.
Susanna x
Well written Susanna and big hugs to your wife! I so enjoy hearing of wives and girlfriends whose love and devotion to their husbands grants them the room in their hearts to accept and support us as we welcome the woman inside of us into our lives.
Hello, I’m new to this and part of me wants to say I don’t cross dress, but then how do I explained that for the last few weeks I have been wearing ladies underwear during the day,
In the last week when I have seen a woman in a dress or skirt that I liked, I have thought would I wear that. Today I have purposely looked in the supermarket at ladies skirts and would have purchased one,if I found one I liked and would feel comfortable wearing in private.
Why do I cross dress – I don’t know,
I’m finding it hard just to admit that I cross dress
Hello, Everyone,
Been a while since I have been Tina. Family things have been happening. But today my wife & children where all out of the house, for about four hours.
So I waxed my legs, then was just going to wear my skirt around the house. Problem was that I could not find where I had hid the skirt.
Had a bit of a down feeling. It made me realise how much I want to wear women’s clothes. Still not sure of the WHY, but certain if I was on my own I would wear woman’s clothes all the time whilst in the house.
Later did find the shirt again. Managed to wear it for about an hour, before I had to change back from Tina.
Not sure what the next step is.
Susanna,
This is a fantastic question! The same one that has had me pulling my hair out all week!!
I’m only just now learning about the “phenomena of crossdressing” so please forgive me when I get the terminology wrong.
My first memory of dressing/being dressed is from the time I was 8 years old. My older sister and female cousins dressed 2 of my male cousins and I in their bra’s and panties for a “fashion show” in which many of our parents were in attendance. It was an impromptu family party. Everyone got a huge laugh out of “the show” I secretly loved it even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to. Fourty years later I am still cursed, and blessed, with my love for all things silky, soft, and feminine. I have had many relationships fail with women whom, to varying degrees, have all tried to deal with my underdressing.
Twenty months ago I left another relationship that was crashing and burning. My dressing was not the biggest reason for the breakup, but it did factor in. My time spent single over the last (nearly) two years has left my being far bolder about what I want to wear. While trying to remain secretive about my choices, I’ve been caught three humiliating times dressed in my bra, forms, panties, and crotchless hose. It seems that ANYONE I let stay at my place, including my grown son and his friends all have to pee at the exact same time in the middle of the night as I do!! SMH! LOL
Anyway, the last two years-this one being my 50th, has given me plenty of time to look inward. I don’t know the answer as to why. Today I was VERY CLOSE to ordering a couple of bra and panty sets from aerie. I paused before buying to ponder where I’ll put them. “In the dresser?” “Do I have room?” “I should check” So i went to my dresser…..in 4 drawers I have, very neatly folded and arranged by style, brand, then color 42 bras and 118 pair of panties along with a few pair of hose, stockings, and a garter belt.
It was today that I realize that this, for me, is probably in part an obsessive compulsion. It bothers me that no single born-woman that I know owns even 10 bras! And over 100 pair of panties??? Nope, not that I’ve ever seen. I tried to sort through all of it to see what I could donate or throw out…..I didn’t come up with a single one. I love every item I have. For me, I think it’s time to see a theraphist that understands crossdressing, specializes in OCD-like behavior, and minors in hoarding….lol
Eryca
I crossdress because it feels so natural for me to be dressed in pretty lingerie, high heels, and a pretty dresses. I have been dressing since I was 9 years old and love the nice things that women wear. So soft and sexy and getting fully dressed makes me feel so feminine. I love to let the feminine side of me out.
It is a question we can all ask. As a child there are no boundaries and we can imagine ourselves as whatever we want to be. There is no explanation really, although a psychologist may put an interpretation that isn’t there in a childs mind. We didn’t know about sexuality or understand gender in that we only saw boy or girl. As you felt you had feminine traits that’s how you saw yourself – a girl.
Then comes that time when ‘society beat it out of you. It left it’s mark as there was something about that experience that was within you and wants to manifest itself. The sexual aspect of dressing in puberty is not uncommon as you like the clothes and also the girls. It is like a combination of the two that you want . Your societal experience of conformity has been a strong bond and influencer as that is how you are after puberty and living as the beer drinker you are.
That burning curiosity has remained and re established itself. The curiosity and desire has come out and you find yourself in a place that can allow that restart in earnest. as you have a partner who is tolerant.
As you say it is now a journey of rediscovery which will be interesting and, in essence, a journey of discovery.
Have a good journey and enjoy the ride.
For me it just was I remember when I was nine and I happened to get a hold of a neighbor girls panties who was around the same age as me and I just had to try them on there has been some aspects where it has had a kind of sexual connotation but for the most part I just love dressing up I love everything about it I love the feelings I love the clothes I love the looks and I especially love the lingerie and don’t forget the shoes I love shoes
i crossdress simply because the clothing items i love excite me. i feel a great desire to wear my 3/4-sleeve dresses and veils because i have the most intense fetish for them. When i am not wearing them, i long for them and can’t wait to be in them. Wearing them makes me feel beautiful.
In the evening for me it is a long silky nightgown and light taffeta veil. I love crossdressing and consider the desire for it a great gift.
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