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Many years ago, when I gathered my first femme wear, I wanted to tell my then-girlfriend but lost my courage each time. We split shortly thereafter, so I was glad I never told her.
I went into repression mode and seldom wore femme wear until a few years ago. This time the pink fog stuck. No more purging.
I started dating about a year ago. I silently rehearsed how I was going to tell my new girlfriend, but lost my nerve several times. I was haunted by my cowardly retreat, but I was determined to have my courage overcome my fear as quickly as I could muster. Finally, about a month into our dating, I told her, and the response was better than I could have imagined.
Many of us wait a long time to reveal, and some of us never do. For many of us, it is the riskiest move we would ever make. What complications are going on inside us as we hesitate? Will we ever reveal, or does the clandestine route seem like the only possible course?
I’m sure the specifics are different for everyone, but the primary reason I never told my first wife was because of an overall lack of acceptance as to who I am. She didn’t accept the things I was most passionate about in life, she hated my career, she didn’t like my friends or my family, she didn’t like how I did things or didn’t do things. In short, she didn’t like ME, so I knew well in advance how revealing my crossdressing would go since she didn’t accept me as a complete person in the first place. In fairness, I had a lot of shame and self-loathing associated with my crossdressing at that time, too. Toward the end of our marriage, I had one female friend who knew and was supportive of my crossdressing and would find me thing at goodwill, and that did a lot to help me accept and understand myself. When that marriage ended, I told myself that I’d really rather be alone than have to hide myself to be with someone, and the last thing I wanted was to be married again, anyway. But life, as they say, is what happens when you were busy making other plans! I met my life partner one month after my divorce was final. It started very casually, and I think we were both surprised by where we ended up, but I always stuck to my guns: no hiding. And it has paid off is ways too numerous to list. Everyone’s situation and relationship is different, and the risks of revealing your crossdressing can be so extreme, I marvel that ANYONE does that at all. The fact that those of us who have supportive partners are rare makes me a bit sad. You’re not broken, you’re not a freak, you’re not a perv. You are simply expressing a part of yourself that is different, and contemporary society isn’t very good at tolerating difference.
“What complications are going on inside us as we hesitate?” Cece
I am sure that the decision to reveal varies with the people and environment involved.
Are you confident in yourself enough to come forward? It takes some nerve to do this, since you are going against society and tradition. I am sure that many CDs would get ostracized, one way or another, if they came out.
As you mentioned, risk is involved. Various kinds of risk, too. The fear of being rejected. The fear of possible loss.
Complications? Where does one start?
Unfortunately, sometimes revealing you are a crossdresser can result in some very significant problems like divorce, estrangement from one’s children, job loss, ridicule, becoming isolated in one’s community …etc. When faced with such life altering potential repercussions, many CD’s opt to remain silent.
It is simply due to a fear of rejection
We are a social animal and need acceptence by our SO, and others. We fear, and with good cause, that they will no longer accept/love us. We are not “normal” in respect to the bell shped curve of how we present to society. Being on the edges of that curve does not male us abnormal, just different than what society expects.
Those of us with accepting spouses are lucky that they understand we are prefectly normal people who just happen to dress occasionally (or frquently). Those spouses reject us for it just can not handle the fact that we are some totally average person.
Having had two serious relationships in my more than “3 score and” ten” years on this mortal coil I feel well qualified to comment.
“Nummer eins” (1). When I got married I was convinced, (as we all are) “it will all go away”… But of course it did not.Told my ex wife just before our first child was born. Hated it with a passion until we divorced after almost 30 years.
Through out the above time, Caty was was my escape from what became a miserable marriage , and I “made love” to her….. instead of the “other option”??????
“Nummer zwie” aka 2/.** Did not tell her cos for the first good few years in a new and wonderful relationship Caty took a back step… Did not need or want to dress.
But as we all know, eventually…. “it all comes back”, A very conservative person so I knew if I “owned up” it would not end well.
She found some jewellery I’d left out after one of her weekends away some years back. That ended up in “DADT”, until she caught me fully dressed a few weeks back.
That’s now a major “WIP” aka “work in progress”.
Caty.
** OK for work I learnt a smattering of “Der deutsch”
I have been divorced a couple of times it was so hard to live hiding my true self. I know that hiding my true self was no longer an option for me. My current wife while dating, I was up very front with her about my feminine side before we were married she was very accepting. Telling her was the best thing I have ever done; my life is so much better than I could have imagined.
My only advice is tell her that you are a crossdresser, while dating before you get serious. If she can’t accept you as the person you are a relationship will not work over the long term. You can not live your life, as a lie hiding you will not be a happy girl. Life is just too short to be unhappy.
I never crossed dressed in the 12 years of my first marriage. It turned sour for many other reasons.
I grew up with an abusive mother. Physically emotionally etc. And married my second wife and cding wasnt part of my life. BUT dear mother abused the crap out of me this particular day and i immediately went into crossdressing. My wife found my clothes, and we had the talk.
Wisdom dictates how and when we tell.
Fear of rejection is probably the #1 reason for withholding. I had two experiences. Like many of us, I didn’t tell my first wife. We were both young and I assumed I had grown out of it…but very early in our marriage, she suggested I try on her bra, panties and pantyhose…and well, the cat was out of the bag. My cross dressing was not a contributing factor in our divorce.
I came out to my second wife before we were engaged. She tolerated limited underdressing, but was decidedly uncomfortable with more than that. Problems developed when it became clear to both of us that I wanted more.
I told my boyfriend right when we started dating, for some background we knew each other in the same circle of friends and I knew I could trust him, but I didn’t actually dress for my boyfriend until the first night we were intimate together though. Trust is definitely the #1 most important issue in making the decision to reveal, as is the fear of how our SO would react. Would they break up with us? Would they demand we stop? Would they be embarrassed about dating a CD? Many emotional issues entangled.
I revealed myself to my wife just two weeks ago. I held off after 43 years of marriage. I was afraid of rejection, losing her, being an embarrassment to her and our families. But I couldn’t hide it any longer. Since I revealed myself to her we have had the best two weeks of our lives! One item we did discuss was timing, she was ready and willing to listen NOW about who I am. But if I had any earlier, with kids, work, parents near by, she said she wouldn’t have been as accepting. I guess it all depends on that persons ability to accept a change in lifestyle, for both, at the right time.
I never thought my wife would be accepting, but it was the opposite. We both went out and bought new female clothing and shoes, also make-up for me. We had a girls day in. We did make-up together, even cooked together for dinner. Amazon is still delivering items she has bought for me. I didn’t want her to use my name I have here, instead I wanted her to name me. I think this helped to make our connection even better. She stated how luck she was now. She had her best friend, her husband and girlfriend all in one. All my depression is gone, and she noticed that as well. It also changed her as well. She taught for 45 years. Now retired, she needed to change as well, I guess you could say we did it together. Plus we get along much better and communicate so much better than before. I don’t have to hold back on any issue that might have seem strange come from a man. I have to say it is something else now shopping for lipstick for two people!
Yes, I am a lucky one, one I never dreamed possible. Others might not be as lucky with their SO. But I couldn’t hide it any longer and I felt the time was right. Just look before you leap!Good post Lisa. I revealed myself 3 days ago after 33 happy years of marriage. So far, so good. I already feel a massive burden has been lifted. Hopefully, things will turn out as well for us as that have for you.
Katie x
Starting my 6th week being open and all is going well. No problems or issues. We have become much more open and free with our discussions and our relationship. She loves buying me presents and treating me as a girlfriend at times, but also as her husband as well. It really has become the best of both worlds. I guess the hardest part is for me to keep a balance of the two. Live and learn!
Congratulations Lisa! Your story sounds very similar to mine although I only waited 21 years to tell my partner. 😀
I also was very lucky in that she embraced my ‘other me’ and loves that we can be ‘girlfriends’ talking about clothes, shopping etc… and like you, I am (apparently) a much happier, calmer person who is more pleasant to be around. For me, the last 2 and a half years have been the happiest of my life.
I hope your journey together continues to be wonderful. 🙂
It’s the same for my wife and I. After 28 years of marriage at the age of 59 I just blurted it out one day when we were talking she said she had always known and that I should have come out to her sooner. Our relationship has grown beyond what it had been every morning she sends me a text message saying that she loves the both of us. And I’m always getting surprised packages from Amazon from my wife some of the cutest outfits and makeup and recently three wigs. It’s absolutely amazing the time that we spend together now I have always been myself inside but being able to come out to my wife has been the most incredible part of my journey. Much love
My advice is to reveal this early in a relatiinship because if you SO is not supportive she is probably not the right SO and it is best to find that out early. Having a suppptive, or at least tolerant SO is huge and can make the difference of being happy for the rest of your life.
I know it is easier said then done, but when it is said it makes life so much better. We just had our 38th anniversary and I told her I liked wearung her panties before we were married and still do, though now I have my own and a lot of other things as well.
Melodee you summed it up perfectly with the three big reasons it took me almost 20 years of marriage before I revealed my crossdressing to my SO.
I was so ashamed of my dressing. I had always considered myself an odd pervert for doing it. My SO insisted over 10 years ago now I saw a psychologist to deal with the panic attacks I was having. I ended up telling the psych that I was a crossdresser as that was a big part of what was giving me the panic attacks. She made me realise I am not a pervert and there is nothing wrong with being who you truly are, therefore there is nothing wrong with my crossdressing.
I would feel guilty not only about the fact I was dressing but that I was wasting the limited money we had on clothes and makeup as well as feeling what a waste of time. I could be doing something not perverted and more productive. All of a sudden if I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m doing something I love that makes me happy which being Olivia does, there is nothing to be guilty about. I’m not wasting time or money just doing something for me.
Fear of being discovered would keep me awake at night sometimes. I don’t know why but I was sure if my wife found out she would leave me and I’d never see my kids again. As it turned out nothing was further from the truth. I had a rough childhood that probably contributed towards me being a crossdresser. Doing it to compensate some of the things that were missing. My psych helped prepare me as how I should approach it with my SO taking all that into account. Don’t get me wrong there was still fear but the facts that I was doing nothing wrong, I’m just being who I am and I have an idea how I came to be this way reduced it to a level where over 10 years ago now I told her. Would you believe she said why didn’t you tell me earlier and saved yourself all this anguish. It made us closer as there were no more secrets. No more lies covering anything up. It took a while for her to get over her fear that I would full time transition and leave her but telling her was one of the best things I ever did.
Before I could tell my wife she found out by herself. I often wonder if telling her before she discovered herself would have resulted in a different outcome. I did think overtime she would be more understanding, but I am rather pessimistic about her acceptance. I will never give up hope however, as expressing my feminine side is so important to who I am.
Love the support from all you lovely girls. Thank you
Hugs Julie
Hi Cece,
I’ve still not found the courage to come out to my wife about my crossdressing alter ego, even after being married for a very long time, when my wife see’s a crossdresser she always say’s she doesn’t understand why some men want to dress up like a woman, maybe that’s part of why I’ve not said anything to her,
I think also the fear of rejection is part of it not only my wife it’s my family i come from a very big family i have lots of brothers and sisters lots of nephews and nieces and i have children and grandchildren, I’m not sure how they all would react if i was to do the big reveal,
Hugs Rozalyn X
That sounds like the perfect chance to start a conversation. Maybe say something like “I tried on a dress and it felt nice.” Keep it vague but directed to you and see how the conversation goes. My wife’s attitude is that they are just clothes. I am the same person, I just happen to like to wear femme items.
Cece great topic. So many similar stories, I waited until I was 60 and we had been married for 25 years. She had caught me in panties a few times over the years but we just laughed it off…but she knew. After I retired and kids out of the house I felt that I really needed stephanie to come out more and really upped my dressing so I told her. Her response was supportive and that she already suspected and wished I would have come out to her earlier… I wish I would have as well.
“2. Rip off the band aid – as noted the longer you wait, the worse it will seem.” Melodee
It may be a poor analogy, but leaving the Band-Aid on too long may hide what is actually festering underneath it.
Giving the “wound” light and air will help it heal faster. Then again, an amputation may be in your future, too, depending on how others assess the wound.
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