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I know all of us have at one time or another not done something because it goes against social norms.
WHY?
I have been struggling with this for some time now.
I have been a male living in a very small conservative community with pierced ears for close to thirty years. It’s who I am. Had long hair for some of that time. Why is it so hard to wear a skirt in public?
started wearing nail polish full time. No issues, but can’t wear my breast forms because maybe someone might notice my chest sticks out a little more.
WHY?
Why are we so hard wired to fit in? To not upset the norm. It’s truly driving me crazy.
mist days I’m ok with male me, but I also want to be female me. Show others the other me. Be confident in it. Be able to relax and enjoy it.
I’m not some monster!
I just want to be.
Hi June
I guess for many it’s pure and simple – fear.
Fear of the irrational reactions of others.
Fear of our significant others making knee jerk reactions and assumptions. He must be gay!!!He must want to be a woman!!!Oh the embarrassment!!! What will all the other ‘normal’ people think???
Fear of ridicule from strangers.
Fear of being ostracised as being ‘deviant’ in some way.
Fear of losing friends.
Fear of the ‘curtain twitchers’ chattering behind closed doors, spreading rumours.
Just for wanting to be ourselves, doing no harm to others, just wearing what we want to wear, acting how we want to act.
As with many fears I am sure most people build them up to be more than they really are, and when we do take that terrifying step usually find indifference and apathy.
Being on this site with so many others with the same thoughts and feelings has been so heartwarming. Especially as the stories of acceptance, positivity and encouragement far outweigh stories of negative experiences.
We just have to keep chipping away at those fears to demolish them, change society to a more tolerant place for everybody.
❤️B
Hi June
Hoping not to sound too repetitive…there is nothing wrong with us!!….it’s the rest of the world accepting us for who we are ..I cannot put it any better than the wonderful post below from Bianca❤️. Grace xx
So many of us grew up worrying about what everyone thought about us. That has often been described as a war between what we want and the worry about others opinions. I grew up trying to fit in a role that wasn’t me. Getting to the point of not caring what others thing can be hard but not impossible. I am making progress but not there yet. It is a fear like Bianca mentioned. We all should be able to walk the path of our own choosing.
Kay
How come women can wear anything they want but men can’t? I’ve heard that countless times. Who says men can’t wear what ever they want? Well, we’ll get looked at. Don’t women get looked at?
I think we put restrictions on ourselves to rationalize not doing something we really want to do. In this case dress all femme, go out and live that way. I’ve had fear hold me back and stop me countless times.
What if someone sees me? What if they laugh? What if someone confronts or assaults me? Women get looked at and judged all the time. And of course, depending on how they dress and where they go, they can bring unwanted attention upon themselves. Well, that’s part of what it may be to be a woman or live like one.
It’s really hard in a small community because everybody is used to you being a particular way – everybody “knows” everybody, and to deviate from the little box you’ve sat in for years makes you alien – one of them, not one of us.
I moved into a small community out of a large city, and the urge to dress became the strongest it had ever been.
Fortunately I was not known by many, so was able to go out and about en femme without meeting anyone I knew – and people were surprisingly unjudgemental, considering it’s such a small, conservative village.
We’ve moved again, but this time are right in the middle of the community, and I don’t dress because of potential repercussions for my family, in our current situation, where my wife doesn’t want the children to know.
I am hoping that she will change her mind, given the improvements I’ve brought about thanks to being able to dress as openly as I like once a month – albeit 100 miles away!
Until then, it is fear of being outed, not for myself, but for my family, who haven’t come to terms with it yet.
Part of me (most of me!) thinks “What’s to come to terms with? It’s only clothing!”, but I understand that it could be a shock or difficult to deal with simply because it’s been hidden for a long time.
The main thing is to peacefully persist and go at your own speed in the context of those around you.
Love Laura
Living in the country and having a few neighbours. It is that fear of being ostracized. The city i would have np going out enfemme. The farm country has a whole different perspective. I dress when i can. Maybe some day it will be normal to see guys wear skirts. Until then we are our own prisoners waiting to break free!!!
I grew up in a prison of concern about what people think of me and sadly it continues to this day.
I’ve never been able to escape this self erected prison despite therapy and never ending “self improvement”.
I jealously look at those who could give a hoot what people think of them.
-Caroline
June,
No, you are definitely NOT a monster! You just happen to probably live in a small North Dakota community where people are comfortable seeing other people who look like themselves. I know what this is like. I grew up in a tiny Rhode Island town, poulation 2,000, where everyone was the same and did not like city people. I rarely ventured out cross dressed and even then, only under very controlled conditions down into the big city.
Like someone already said, people are afraid of the unknown and don’t like to think out of the box.
I see girls on here stereotyping other people, and that is dangerous too. You want to be accepted as a CD? You are going to have to be an accepting person yourself. I learn things all the time from people who don’t look or think like me.
June, perhaps eventually you will be able to relocate to another part of the country, where all people are welcome. I am so blessed to live in Atlanta, Georgia, the city that is too busy to hate. And maybe too, our national thinking will continue to evolve for the better.
I know what you mean June. I have always been self conscious about looking or acting too feminine around others, even though I want to look feminine.
People need to be taught to have a more positive view of femininity, then it would be a lot easier for us to be who we naturally are.
I hope people learn to accept you for who you are. Good luck June!
Hi June,
Volumes could be written in reply to your question; this is what I have observed:
Each discrete group within our society formulates its own ideas about what is and is not acceptable, then enforces them with coercion, shaming and threats of expulsion from the group. Since most of us have a strong “herd instinct”, these methods are largely successful. I (my guy self) was the exception; from age 14, I was determined to go my own way, and have consequently spent most of my life as a “loner” and “outsider”. But my guy self was also a hermit by nature, so was unfazed by rejection. My younger daughter once told me she was surprised I ever got married, because I’m such a hermit. Bettylou, on the other hand, is quite the social butterfly, and eager to please…but only within the greater CD/TG community. Rather than change myself to conform to society, I found a society which conforms to me.
Hugs,
Bettylou
I totally understand your frustration. I wrote about this in a post awhile back (See link below, and back when I went by Jennifer vs. Dana). The post is not quite the same as your but along the same lines. I think we can accept ourselves more than others can since this against society norms, as you say. And I think that is part of it. I wish I had answers…that’s for sure. Chin up honey! At the very least, we care about you and accept you for who you are.
Hugs…Dana.
Here’s my take on it, and that doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong, it’s just what I’ve observed and read. If you accept evolution and the species we call homo sapiens starting to come into existence about 3 1/2 million years ago, for the first 3 million 480 thousand of those, we all had to live in very close and very small communities. Survival of the species was paramount and any member not following the dictates of the community as it foraged around was most likely kicked out and/or left to die.
The last 10,000 or so years, as things started to change (farming, craftsmanship, etc.) communities got bigger and began to accept some differences but survival was still paramount and that meant men had to make women pregnant and then defend and protect them and infants and children from predators, diseases, neighboring war like clans. So being sexually different was still not allowed.
That’s an awful lot of years and human evolution to overcome in just the past 50 or so years. It’s amazing how much humans have overcome, but it’s still scary that lots of those old concepts are still dragged out to separate those that SOME in the group still believe aren’t doing their part.
In the last 150 years we can also ‘thank’ the Victorians and Edwardians for again trying to impose rigid standards on what is acceptable to be male and be female. Dramatic changes and improvements in the economic well being of the human race were advancing way too rapidly for those in power, like today. So all kinds of laws and expectations were not only demanded but codified into very strict laws.
We’re slowly coming out of all that but not without a lot of gnashing of teeth, wringing of hands, and attempts to re-establish all those antiquated and outdated norms. It’s coming, but not fast enough for a lot of us, and possibly even not in our lifetime. We still have to keep that trail open for future people so they can build on what we’re doing here and now.
I mostly agree with You Chloe but I can’t help but make the observation that various religions have also played their role in limiting individualism, sexual exploration and the violation of societal norms.
Don’t get me wrong here I’m not bashing them. In their own defective way they too are only trying to protect the existence of humanity. Probably also out of some misplaced fear.The ignorance of others, is the problem we all face.
We are all brought up to accept what society standards, labels, and laws we have to abide to.
Black is black and white is white mentality.
Any deviation was met with fear and punishment. Many were and still are cast a drift by communities, families and friends for being different.
Our fear of this is why many still hide in the shadows, how sad and what an indictment of humanity that many still treated like lepers.
As a free person I have the right to me, not somebody’s stereo type.I really feel you with your struggle. I feel like I have had to over come mind own mindsets and preconceived notions. I feel a lot of it is taught and reinforced. I work with kids and I have some stickers of Harley Quinn on my water bottle. One girl was asking what I was going to be for Halloween and I didn’t know. She said why not be a boy Harley Quinn? For her it was just socially acceptable that I could show my love for a character I like by dressing as them. I feel that people also mock what they don’t understand and don’t try to educate themselves. Even though I feel like it is a more accepting world, there are still leaps and bonds to go.
In my case it’s never about “fitting in.” I have no desire to fit in. I’ve never fit in anyway, even in the rare few points in my life where I almost tried to.
I’ve always been a weird artistic creative nerdy sort of person who doesn’t share many interests with the majority of the population in the rural, religious, redneck-ish sorts of areas I’ve lived — I don’t hunt or fish, I don’t smoke, I don’t find just “getting drunk” to be that great of a time, I don’t like sports, I don’t go to church and don’t really like the concept of organized religion in general (though I do have some beliefs… they just don’t line up perfectly with any particular religion), I don’t particularly care about cars beyond just the basic “does it get me from point A to point B?” sort of thing, and the list goes on.
It’s more about not wanting to be “caught” by people who aren’t going to react well. Especially people who know me in guy-mode, and might recognize my face if they happen to see me as Vanessa.
The scariest part is, I don’t know who those people are.
I don’t know if, say, my boss at work is someone who’ll be accepting of it if he happened to find out. I don’t think he’s the kind of person who’d react so badly that I’d lose my job over it (I do have a male coworker who apparently came in with glittery eyeshadow on one day and the boss didn’t even say anything to him about it), but even knowing that, I can’t turn the anxiety off. I don’t know how one of my friends who I’m currently borrowing a car from would react, which is a scary thought considering that I’m pretty dependent on him still approving of me enough to let me use his car. I don’t know what my mom’s reaction might be, though I imagine it’ll include a lot of whiny sighs of “oh, [guy name]…” and distressed facial expressions when (if) I ever try to explain it to her. I don’t know what my dad’s reaction would be, but I can’t imagine it would be good.
June, I can understand some of your situation. I to live in a small town about 1300 and work in a nearby collage town of about 70,000. I suspect that the neighbor across the street have seen more than I would have liked to (walking from the house to garage fully in fem). So far no one has said a word face to face. I to wish I could go out everyday in full fem ( if that’s how I feel ) for the day. All my best to you and good luck!!
Sandy
Amanda, well said and so true, agree with your view points. Society and media has brainwashed that all must conform to so called rules and stereotype. Its so wrong as life and society should not hurt or encourage hurt but love, respect and understanding. To love another, to be happy with another no matter what gender or colour should be lifes goal, not to condemn, ridicule or intimidate. One day this will be achieved.
There are definitely some nice things about living in a rural or small-town sort of area — less crowded for one, if I lived in a major city my anxiety related to crowds might be so bad I wouldn’t be able to go out dressed at all. Rather than only feeling comfortable doing so late at night like I do now. Also, less traffic and nicer places to go for walks (and scenery in general) are always good.
But the stuff I said about not fitting in with most people in a rural, conservative sort of area doesn’t come from “the mainstream media”… which I don’t even watch (ever since I’ve been living on my own I haven’t even had TV, even now with my roommate we just use stuff like Netflix/Hulu rather than getting ripped off by the cable/satellite companies, and we get our news from a wide variety of sources rather than relying on one or two TV stations.)
It comes from my personal experience living in those sorts of areas. My “blue voting” doesn’t have to move here, it’s been here. (but seriously why even bring politics into it? nobody said anything about one political party or the other.)
I’ve literally never lived in a city with population over 6000-ish. I grew up in southwest Virginia on a road in the middle of the woods, miles from anything classified as even a town much less a city. Any further out and I’d be on a gravel road rather than paved (there were several such roads branching off from the road I grew up on, actually, and toward the end of our road the pavement sort of gave way to broken-up old pavement covered in a layer of gravel first, and then straight gravel.)
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