Wife of a cross dresser

This topic contains 15 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by  JOJO Wilm 1 day, 7 hours ago.

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    Emily
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    Registered On: September 12, 2018
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    Hi all so I’m new to this site and also new to kknowing my husband likes to cross dress
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>He decided not to tell me for years because he was afraid of how I would react so this resulted to many lies over many years, eventually I found out (as women do) and it was a hard thing for me to accept more the fact that he had kept/lied to me for all those years it’s taken me a while to get my head around it and although I accept it i don’t want to see him dressed like it YET ….I’m not sure I will ever fully get it it’s a huge thing to accept but as this journey is going on I’m learning that he too is finding himself and understanding what cross dressing is about and initially I didn’t understand why he didn’t just tell me I mean I am his wife right ? But I do understand how it would be hard to just bring that up around the dinner table, we have 2 small children and i kind of felt like I wasn’t enough for him or he didn’t love me anymore and so he looks for solace elsewhere in his alter ego, it’s something I’m still dealing with in my own mind and just think it will take time for me , I’m hoping joining this page will help me understand cross dressing a bit more x</p>
     

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  • #118006
     JOJO Wilm 
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    Hi Emily,

    Many of us are very similar to the previous responses listed. It is indeed very difficult for us to tell our wives that we crossdress just as it is very difficult for the wife to understand it. Many of us have been crossdressing from an early age. In some cases we don’t fully understand the reason for us crossdressing hence trying to explain it to our wives why we do can be challenging.

    It is a daunting challenge for the wife when she first learns of her husband’s crossdressing. There is a wide range of emotions involved.Time is the key factor here. This is not something that is understood in a matter of hours. Taking it slow is paramount. There will be initial questions, then more questions and later more questions and further clarifications.

    I wish you both the very best with your relationship.

    #117987
     BillieJay 
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    SO has always known.

    I thought she needed to know from the beginning.

    We made it kind of a joke, I always had a “private”drawer in the bedroom, she knew what was in it.

    I’d buy her heels, and she’d know that I secretly wanted to wear them (we have the same shoe size).

    while the kids were growing up, it was always while they were in school.

    it was harder when they were in college, and still living with us.

     

    now we’re empty nesters, and I’m always wearing skirts, liquid bras, and heels around the house.

    very few outings en femme, but when we go out of town (little bitty town) I’m in heels and painted nails as a minimum.

     

    it’s been a joke for years that when we go shopping, I’ll hand her what I want to try on, and she’ll ask the attendant if I can help her try on the clothing… then I get to try it on.

     

    like many, I have facial features that will prevent me from passing totally without cosmetic surgery, but we have fun together, and that’s important.

     

    I do hope you can find a way to share this with your SO… it can be so fun to share.

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    #117986
     Nikki 
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    @eleanor holborn Finding out in that way is harsh. I lied to and betrayed my ex-wife, several girlfriends, friends, and my wife. The way I am cost me my first marriage, several good friends, and also affected my relationship with my family deeply for many years.
    If I hadn’t come out to my wife I’m sure she would have found out somehow.
    I can tell you from my experience of being found out by my first wife that your partner is probably really embarrassed and afraid he’s going to loose you. That’s where the denial comes in. I did it even when presented with evidence to the contrary.
    I understand your anger and feeling of being betrayed, and at the same time I would say that this could be an opportunity for him to open up about it. He may have been crossdressing for most of his life, he may have a strong feminine side that he needs to express through crossdressing. Remaining angry and shutting him out may be counter productive, although understandable, but openness and truth are the only way to deal with this.
    When I came out to my wife I was so embarrassed and the words just wouldn’t come out. I was scared my marriage was over, and the fear of that hurt so much. Once I started talking the whole story flowed out and I was quite prepared to pack my bag and leave. She asked me so many questions from “Do you want to be a woman” to “are you gay” and “is it a sexual thing” but the main one was “do you love me and want to be with me” to which I could only answer with a resounding “yes”. That love saw us through.
    Any relationship needs to be based on love and trust. Your trust in him has been damaged, but it can be rebuilt. Talk to him without anger, try to understand what’s behind it, but also let him see your point of view without anger. If you love each other and that love is strong enough you can overcome this and maybe even come to accept his crossdressing.
    In my case it has strengthened my marriage, there are no secrets, trust and love are stronger than ever.

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    #117970
     eleanor holborn 
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    In the same boat only problem he will not admit it found picture of him on phone its not the cross dressing its the lies and betrayal

    #117942
     Nikki 
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    Hi Emily,

    I came out to my wife nearly 3 years ago. I was hiding my genderfluidity and crossdressing for most of my marriage, in fact for most of my life.
    I couldn’t live with the fact that I was keeping secrets from her. One day I decided to tell her everything. I was so scared I would loose her.
    I went right back to the first time I crossdressed and the reasons why I did it. I think we spoke all night and most of the following day.
    The secrecy was so programmed into me that I didn’t really know any other way of doing it.
    My wife was surprisingly cool about it and said that being genderfluid added something to me, it made me unique and even more special.
    She is also a feminist, and very supportive of LGBTQ issues. She said that being a campaigner for gender equality meant she couldn’t really go against her beliefs and walk out on me.
    She gave me the time to find the answers I was looking for and allowed me to really explore that side of me without the need to hide it. She felt the same as you about meeting the female side at first and we agreed that we would take things very slowly to begin with. No promises, no pressure, and no expectations. I would not ask her for any feminine advice unless she was ok with it. One day she offered to help me get some underwear and clothes and things just progressed at a natural pace from there.
    Meeting Nikki was also a slow process. Almost like Nikki got slowly revealed before she met  her in full. At first it was just me wearing a top and trousers, and when she was ready I added a bra and knickers. When she got used to that it progressed to the full look.
    So now Nikki is in the open and it has made us feel much closer. My wife doesn’t even bat an eyelid anymore and treats me and Nikki equally. I don’t prance around in just a bra and knickers, but dress casually and just go about my normal things at home. I’ll get dressed in front of her but I still have moments that I react like in the past, wanting to hide it but the programming and the embarrassment are fading fast.

    My advice would be to take things slowly at your pace, and make your partner understand that it is the only way. No pushing from your partner’s side, you control the pace. The important thing is to eliminate the need for your partner to hide it. That normalizes it and helps restore the trust that may have been lost.
    From my own experience it has enhanced and strengthened my marriage and without the need to hide Nikki I’m much happier in myself and my wife feels much more secure that there is nothing in my closet to keep secret.

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 15 hours ago by  Nikki.
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    #117721
     MacKenzie Alexandra 
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    My wife too was more angry with for keeping it a secret from her. We were married for almost 10 years when I resume dressing after burying it for 20 years. Thankfully, she was accepting and understanding. It has been nearly 2.5 years, though in have her support, we are still growing and learning.

    MacKenzie Alexandra

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    #117701
     Satin Summer 
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    Emily please don’t judge your husband too harshly. Cross-dressing has been going on forever. It doesn’t mean he’s gay. It doesn’t mean he wants to be a woman. It’s just a compulsion to wear the clothes of the opposite sex. Think about it for a second, what clothes does a man wear that a woman can’t go out in public wearing? Pants? Any shirt? Shoes? But if a man goes out wearing a skirt or a satin blouse or nylons and heals and make up, that’s totally wrong! My wife and I knew of my cross-dressing before we were married. We enjoyed 28 years of happiness with my wife knowing I cross-dressed the entire time. I’m 67 years old and she’s been gone for 10 years but we had the best marriage you can imagine.
    I suggest you check out the following website, http://www.tau-chi.org/crossdressingfaq.html/

    Please let me know what happens and how you are doing. I care!
    Satin Summer

    • This reply was modified 3 days, 3 hours ago by  Satin Summer.
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    #117694
     Terri Anne 
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    Hi Emily,

    I have felt this desire to crossdress since my teens. I know that it was near impossible for me to ever tell anyone about this.

    My take on your situation is what I tell my very few crossdresser friends that they must realize exactly what you stated ” …he’s had years to learn and accept who he is I’ve had like 4months it’s too much to expect me to “get it:…”

    This sudden opening up by us is so common among most of us and you nailed by stating ” …feel like in his head because he’s told me that means I’ve accepted it fully…”

    Forgive me for quoting you but your writings have tremendous insight. We can all learn from others here in CDH. Especially from Spouses and SOs who are willing to share as you have.

    Thank You so much for sharing,

    -Terri Anne

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    #117077
     Nancy Gamms 
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    Not to reiterate much of what is posted but many of have similar stories here.  I’m sure he is very excited that you have been accepting.  It really is the absolute best thing any of us dreams of.  But he should understand if you want him to go slow and you have a right to ask for that.  I wish you both the best.

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    #116390
     rebekka moore 
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    Hi Emily,

    I can tell you from experience, your husbands cross dressing is not a result of anything lacking from you!  I’m sure he loves you and always will.  My wife is dear to me, and such a wonderful and smart woman.  But I was doing this long, long before I ever knew she existed, and through many relationships.  It was never about shortcomings of my female partners.

    It’s not the easiest thing to discuss, especially with your wife who probably has that view of her male counterpart of being “a man”, whatever that is defined as.  Society tells us what it means to “be a man”, but they get it all wrong, just as society does when the define “a woman”.

    We define ourselves, and who we are.  It should always be that way, and your husband has probably always been this way, not to mention a good man.

    I would say be patient, and don’t rack your brain trying to understand what this all means.  We may not know ourselves, but again we are being ourselves, and part of us still loves our SO’s dearly.

    🙂

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    #116364
     Victoria the happiest girl in the world. 
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    Hi Emily!

    I’m a divorced crossdresser father. Completely in the closet. Never told a soul. Just letting you know where my perspective comes from.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be very challenging in many ways. You’re right about him knowing this his whole life, and it all being new to you, and how he shouldn’t force this on you too quickly. When someone comes out as gay, I’ve heard the advice they give them is not to unload too much on their family at once. You’re going thru something similar. If your husband is anything like me, he’s as straight as an arrow. He just likes to occasionally do some LARPing… role playing… Y’know. That’s all it is. Try to think of it like that, except society has unfairly trained us that it’s a bad thing.

    I bet if you told him you don’t want to talk about, he would stop. Just tell him when you’re ready to talk about it you will. After all, he didn’t talk about it for a long time, and he at least owes you that.

    My paranoid closeted side of me would ask you not to make any assumptions about motivations, or desires he has. If you read anything that makes sense, before believing it, maybe double check with him before solidifying it as truth.

    Stay strong. Whatever happens, and how involved or not you are with this, your relationship will be stronger than anything you could imagine.

    Victoria

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    #116311
     Ellen ThePrettyOne 
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    Thank you Emily for willing to learn and try. Places like this and a few others are honest and safe places to hear varied opinions-you have to decide what seems right for you.

    Hiding/Lies – the strongest suppressor of the crossdressing (CDing) urge is love. When I met my wife 30 years ago, I was deeply in love and purged all my stuff, thinking I was cured. That lasted 2 years. It might have gone longer, but I think having a child took her attention away from me, making me want to dress a bit again. In my mind, why tell her before marriage about something that was over and not accepted by society. I did not lie-she never asked. So when the urge returned, I bought a pair of bodystockings and she wore them. One day I put one on and waited for her to come home. She laughed it off and told me to take it off, so I knew she was not accepting. I hid some hose and on occasion put them on. She found them and we had the talk. She was willing to make it a bedtime activity of hose/heels.I thought out of love. Later I found was out of fear of me leaving her and kids. For 19 years this was okay , but when kids began leaving the nest, my focus was less on family and more on me and urge was stronger. This may be his future as well. This led to wife stopping any support and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT). She in effect asked me to lie to her. And so I explored on my own.

    Painting nails/bra buying – he sees hope that you are accepting and he is lost in the ‘pink fog’ – just sees the fun things of dressing. He needs to take it easy and that may be easier if you take the lead. He can write down his hopes and dreams and you will choose what you already for. I believe that a supportive relationship can cement a marriage immensely.

    Not loving you – we crossdress not because we don’t love our spouses-we did this since before puberty often. And many did get sexual release from it when beginning. There are studies supporting a genetic component. Many boys will try on girl’s clothing as an experiment, but that ends it. We have something that we really feel good about ourselves when doing this. Maybe we want society to verbally interact with us males more like it does with women – women are complimented by others much more than males, more attention is paid to them, etc. If we wanted to interact physically as women, then that would be transexual, not crossdresser. So my guess is he wants you to treat him at times like a stereotypical girlfriend, maybe at the teen level, of learning about feminine things. I assume he does not want to stop being a husband. One way to consider this – some men spend hours and thousands of dollars on hobbies – boat, car, golf, sports. This is his release. Is he not entitled to the enjoyment? The problem is, in our society, you can’t tell your friends what his release is.

    Sorry for going on so long, but hoped this addressed your main concerns.

    Hugs, Dr. Ellen

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    #116287
     Emily 
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    Thankyou everyone your so lovely , excuse the time difference im in the UK,  I’m slowly getting my head around it but for me it’s such a huge thing to just accept and he told least night that he lives in hope that I will someday accept it fully I’m not sure I can ever do that I mean one day at a time right I sometimes feel like he’s shoving it down my throat,  asking me if I will paint his nails or what size bra he should get and where could a man get measured…. I wasn’t nasty to him I just said I’m sorry I can’t talk about this now now I just sometimes feel like in his head because he’s told me that means I’ve accepted it fully and I’m totally fine with it in not saying I won’t  be fine with it one-day I just need time , he’s had years to learn and accept who he is I’ve had like 4months it’s too much to expect me to “get it: completely in that short space but I think because be has it all figured out in his head I thinks I have too

     

    But I also don’t want to upset him by saying o don’t want to talk about those kinds of things yet

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    #116229
     Kristen Heart 
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    Emily,

    Thank you for your post. when you found out your husband was a crossdresser it turned your world upside down, I’m sure. I don’t know why husbands don’t tell their wives. I only know why I did tell mine and lived to regret it. She left me. She said it was because of the crossdressing, but this was years later. She only saw me fully dressed once. She used to buy me things, and as long as I was able to dress occasionally I was content. I wore panties all the time and on occasion a bra.  I am sure there other reasons she left. My current wife knows I dress, though she has never seen me dressed nor do I have plans for that to happen. I told both of these women before I asked them to marry. Most husbands, in my opinion, don’t tell their wives because they are afraid of her leaving, embarrassment, or guilt of not having told earlier on. Crossdressing doesn’t mean your husband’s gay or wants to go out in public all the time dressed. We retained our masculinity. This is just another aspect of us. We can’t tell you specifically why we dress, we can only tell you how we feel when we do. Is it a compulsion, a perversion, or what exactly? It can all or none of those. I just know for the vast majority of us, we can’t and won’t stop. It is us, it is part of who we are. Yes, we still love our wives. You need to set boundaries with him. It’s your marriage too, and this can be a lot to take in.

     

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    #116211
     Jasmine Archer 
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    For years I didn’t want to tell my wife and kept my desire for dressing a secret: telling her may have ruined a wonderful relationship.  I could have lost the woman I loved so I left the crossdressing to one side for many years.

    <span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>Although all crossdressers are different, if your husband is anything like I am the dressing is not in any way a replacement for you, it is just a inward need of his that often can’t be explained.  </span>

    The fact that you have come here looking for information means that you must care deeply about him and your relationship.  Be open with him about how you are feeling about this and let him know he can be open with you.  I would suggest to not try and ask him lots of questions too soon as that can come across as interrogation and drive him into a shell especially if he is still finding his own way and hasn’t got the answers. Take it slowly.

    There are lots of friendly helpful people here so ask questions and I’m sure you will get lot’s of advice.

    I wish you all the best in having a great future together with your family.

    Love, J

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