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Hi girls. Now after the debacle telling my eldest son about my crossdressing, I decided to confront my wife once and for all. Some of the things she said, I did find upsetting and to some extent, has made me go backwards in my pursuit to crossdress. I shall next bring up Five points that were mentioned.
1. My wife says she feels duped. I assume she means that she wanted a man, when she married me and I didn’t make my crossdressing clear before we married. My answer was ‘its not an easy thing to tell someone that you crossdress’ , maybe this was a poor answer.
2. My wife feels that I am going to run off with another man and change roles, me be the wife or girl and the man I run off with be the husband or boyfriend. (I am not gay, i’m straight). My answer, ‘i have no intention of doing this, I love her dearly’.
3. She says that I want to cross dress 24-7 and its wearing her down. My answer ‘this is simply not true, but in fairness I have been doing it more often because I NEVER get any quality Fiona time with you’
4. I ask her what she wants and the question keeps bouncing back to me by saying ‘its your body’ or ‘its up to you’ I had no answer to this because she wouldn’t commit herself to any questions.
5. I told her ‘you have bought me skirts, knickers and make-up, what do you expect me to do with them’? again the same reply ‘its up to you’ , its like that song by bobby vee ‘rubber ball keep bouncing back to me! My answer? again none, because she wouldn’t commit herself.
So girls? What do you make of all this? i’m darned sure, I dont know. I have tried to be as open and honest here as I remember the conversation, I am at my wits end!
Fiona xxxx
1. Feels duped. We all change in marriage. You married a young woman – and she no longer is. You are still a man and plan to stay one. You just want to look feminine at times and she has helped you (Thank you dear). Falling in love is the best method stop CDing desires, but just for so long. We often feel we are cured bu finding our mate. So why tell the spouse about something they cured you of? We didn’t know then it would come back.
2. Fear of homosexuality. There is less homosexuality in CDers than the general population. Many have fantasies of men treating them like women socially, but not sexually. She needs to learn more about CDers.
3. 24-7. I always wondered if I could do it for a solid week. But there are those CDers who did everything they desired, then stopped completely. They merged the feminine into the one person and were happy. But if she participated and gave you the social interaction you desire as Fiona, then you likely would be satisfied with less Fiona time.
4. I don’t know, what do you want? Explain you have a right to happiness, and so does she. Each may need to compromise get some, or neither will be happy. Try listing what each needs for happiness and compare.
5. buying you things. My wife also did that and her attitude come and go from DADT to taking me shopping in drab. Thank her for the effort took to do that and how very much that meant to you – having the love of your life accept Fiona as having a right to exist and be happy. What are her thoughts now about what she did and why she did it? Fear? Love? Have you gotten so good looking that instead of a man in a dress she is seeing a female person, and that is the issue? Her own homophobia? Despite you being a man, her husband.
Just some thoughts …
Hugs, Ellen
Hi Ellen. Thankyou very much for taking the time to type all this! it is appreciated 🙂 . I have tried to be as fair as I can with the discussion with my wife, at the end of the day, all I want is answers so I can modify my crossdressing to suit her, so everybody is happy, its all about compromise, of which I am happy to do, but when you dont get a straight answer, or indeed any answer at all, how can you act on it? you cant! it has been a very frustrating episode, I just want a conclusion, but its turning into a real-life soap opera, where the next episode is barely different from the one before it!
I am a long term crossdresser, since 16, i’m now 48. When I met my wife, she had kids that were young and needed care and a dad. I put my crossdressing on hold, to attend to them, as they grew older, I just went back into it. My wife didn’t know back then, I mean, you cant broach a subject like this easily at the best of times, move forward 17 yrs and I told her, that was 8 months ago….
Fiona xxx
Hi Fiona. Women can be so very insecure….constantly probing males and working responses around in their heads to suit their insecurity. I have spent years figuring this habit out….to no avail. Do not take it personnally. Nor give into it….you must be good to yourself in order to be good to others. People change over time until they die. I was never a pro-marriage person, we are the only species on the earth that does this marriage thing and all it’s pitfalls. I thought you 2 had bonded over this issue but the do what ever…..warning…somebody is not happy about it. My advice would be to cut down on the girl, time a bit until you can find a happy medium. How about looking into costume play. Jump into bed with her, while wearing a Roman Soldier outfit….women go nuts for that in Vegas. The skirt is for you and the rest is for her. Maybe she would enjoy dressing as a furry?? I find that terriffic amusment and fun. Maybe she just feels left out of the relationship, after all, she married you but didn’t expect what has gone on. I hope all the girls who read this will come clean to their wives and girlfriends before it is too late. I do hope it all works out for everyone.
Hugs………
Dame Veronica
Hi Veronica, as usual your words of wisdom hold high! I have decided to tone it all down a bit, let the dust settle and continue on a fair and even keel. I am a reasonable person, I can understand where she is coming from…to a point, but I just wish she didn’t clam up and just be open with me, after all, no conflict was ever solved without dialogue!
Fiona xxxx
Hi Fiona,
Here are my thoughts, and experiences
1 – my SO has made similar comments. I have a couple of persona’s that are very “authentic”. Cowboy is one of them, and I mean that in the truest sense. From riding to just an all out look. The other is “metropolitan”, like an old Cary Grant movie. That is what my wife “bought into”, and is what is expected. Anything more especially femme just does not cut it. Before we were married we were talking about her 1st husband, and she confided in me he liked to crossdress! I could not believe that, what are the chances! The drove me deep into the closet, and was the last thing I wanted to tell her about me. When I did she could not believe it!
2 – I can understand this. The more I dress the more bi-curious I am. i really would love to have a sexual encounter with another male, especially if he were CD/Trans. What can I say? I don’t however, ever see leaving for someone else.
3 – Not sure what to say about this other than, I would a lot more if I could and regret times when I lived alone and didn’t do this 24/7.
4 & 5, yes confusing. Recently SO “let” me buy boots (for a costume), and has been somewhat enthusiastic about this feaux fur coat that I would love to get, but I know she would take issue with this at the same time. Makes it all very confusing and unfair.
All you (or any of us) can do at this point is to keep doing what we are doing, and see where it leads.
Love and hugs,
Rebekka
Hi hun
I do understand where your wife is coming from with the i feel duped. We are with a man with make attributes then suddenly this female comes out of the wood work.
Are you spending too much time dressing or thinking about dressing. Is the man time you giving you SO enough or is it enough for you not your SO. My advice back the dressing off a bit.
Hi Fiona,
It can be a lot for someone to take in when we entrust them the knowledge of our fem selves. I think that our enthusiasm of finally feeling like we can dress is disconcerting to our SOs. And though we may not be always aware of it, we can be very zealous in our wanting to dress once we tell someone. My wife is incredibly supportive but the boundaries are still being defined. I know that the dressing doesn’t bother her as much as my talking about it. There are times when I realize that is all I have talked about because it has become a bigger part of my life. Yet, I need to remind myself and my amazing SO that it is not the only thing. So we continue to work for balance of this dynamic in our relationship as we do for everything. Backing off a bit along with showing your wife how much she means to you should help. Just keep working on finding balance for both of you.
Hope this helps,
Michelle
Fiona,
Questions for you:
How would you feel if you were a non-CD/TG guy and after years of marriage your lovely wife dropped on you the news that she not only loves to dress up like a guy, but she wants to assume a male personality, start spending “some” time as a guy, and not only that, expects you to not only be on with it but also become best buddies and go hit the pubs together. Oh yes, and while you two guys are at the pub, how about “him” asking you to kiss him?
Ok, a bit extreme I know. But do you think that you would a bit… how did you put it? Insecure or jealous or just selfish no to be wanting to go along with that?
Second question… How much acceptance is enough? How many days a week would miss Fiona be around if she got it her way? 5, 6?
I understand your frustration… but please understand that not all wives can accept having a cd/tg husband. And the very same arguments can go both ways… if she loves me she will accept my dressing can be turn around into if he loves me he will stop dressing.
I hope and pray you two will be able to work things out. Will not be easy, but I hope it will be worth it.
Gaby 💜
Hiya Gabriela. Ohhhh you’ve got me on the ropes here! the good news is I am an honest person, and I will give you honest answers (how I would feel).
1. How would I feel if the roles were effectively reversed?
ANSWER. There is no doubt, I would be shocked, or at least surprised. However, I am a very accommodating person who will ‘work around things’ to make them work. I am a heterosexual man, so kissing a guy would not be an option for me (my apologies to any homosexuals reading this, I mean absolutely no offence to you). I think that I could cope with certain areas of it, but not others. I certainly would feel awkward, but if I loved my wife (which I do, dearly), I would at least give her some ‘man time’ albeit, not everything she desired, basically a compromise.
2. How much acceptance is enough? how much Fiona time would I need if my wife was totally accepting?
ANSWER
I know in my heart, at first it would be a lot! then as time went on, it would dwindle down a little. The main reason why I want more at the moment, is I am not being fulfilled, its rather like having a meal at a restaurant and leaving the venue hungry. You want seconds, but its getting late and the place is going to close any minute! if I had quality Fiona time, I know, in myself, I would feel satisfied and contented, it would also give me something to look forward to, later on in the week, like a goal to aim for. if I did it all the time, I think I would reach stagnation or hit a plateau, where I couldn’t progress much further.
Thanks for your insights Gabriela, I fully realise this is a two way thing, I am working on it, slowly and so is my wife, to some extent. She has said since, that she does not want me to stop doing it, but merely not do it too much, which I think is fair.
Fiona xxx
[quote quote=137869] 24-7. I always wondered if I could do it for a solid week. But there are those CDers who did everything they desired, then stopped completely. They merged the feminine into the one person and were happy.[/quote]
Hi Ellen. Wow… while I certainly haven’t stopped completely, I have had the chance to spend several days FT as Gaby. And very likely those experiences have been important in my process of self-discovery and acceptance. And I have something quite similar posted on my wall… integrating both my “feminine” and “masculine” sides has allowed me to grow into who I am now, without a compulsion or urge to dress, which doesn’t mean that I stopped enjoying it, but that it is not a life and death thing for me.
With this I don’t mean to imply that I am better than anybody, just in a better point in my life than I was before.
Gaby 💜
Fiona,
Regarding your first point, I understand the feeling of being somehow misled. My ex felt the same way since I didn’t tell her about my dressing before we got married. In my defense, I truly DID feel the need/desire would go away when I found a partner though I know now that was not and never will be the case. If that is the case with you, then I would tell her that and reassure her that you still love her and want to spend your life with her. I know that in any future relationship, Cyn will make herself known before things get serious or even before it begins for she is a large part of who I am.Re point two- those are common misconceptions about CDs (being gay or always transitioning).The % who are gay is no greater than the general population and gender and sexuality are not tied together. Whether the dressing is a precursor to further TG feelings is different for every person. For some, they are completely fulfilled dressing occasionally, others feel the need to dress more often or more completely, while others come to realize that the dressing was just one part of a greater need to allow a feminine side to blossom. I know for me I always thought the occasional dressing was enough, but now I’m not certain of where my path lies. I’m still on journey of exploration with destination unknown.
Re point three and four-you will need to come to some compromise with your wife that you can both be happy with. A good counselor can help you figure out where that is. I know for me and for most in our community that point would have to include at least some dressing whether or not she wants to see it or be involved in it, but you also don’t want to be keeping secrets as trust is the bedrock of any relationship.
Re point five, while he active support of an SO is the “ne plus ultra” reassure her that you will understand if she cannot provide THAT level of acceptance, but are happy with whatever she is able to give.
Wish you both every happiness in finding a solution that makes you both happy!
Cyn
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