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With so many posts about attraction and wives/partners not being “into” it from a physical attraction level, it really got me to thinking from their angle.
Honestly, I kind of get it. So I keep imagining, if I were in a relationship with me, would I actually be attracted to myself, as a “man who crossdresses.”
If I take out the emotion from the equation, there would have to be very specific circumstances that I’d find a man who crossdresses attractive (from a “I want to have intimate relations with that person” perspective). It would depend on how attractive they were as a woman, since I’m totally into attractive women. They’d probably have to be on the level of being considered trans, with bottom surgery and everything. They’d have to be “passing”, not from a general society standard, but from my own unattainable standard from myself.
I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of so many partners who simply aren’t attracted to the act of crossdressing, vs. simply a man who happens to have more feminine aspects. Two entirely different things.
It may be hypocritical, but personally, I wouldn’t be the first to seek out myself. It is what it is.
That is a VERY interesting question! I think it really cuts to why so many are not supported by their SO.
Part of this journey is not only about finding myself, it’s to become a better person for myself and those who are important to me. It’s about asking myself hard questions, so I can be even more empathetic and compassionate, a little less selfish maybe, if I understand (truly understand) my role, my part if you will, in a relationship. Regardless of the good and bad. Sometimes, in the quest for self and loving oneself, we sometimes negate the fact that there are others around us who do love us and whom we love.
Well, yeah I would. Sure I’m attracted to women, and honestly I would take double looks at attractive ones. Yet I would be attracted to myself mostly from a I want a companion aspect. I mean I married both my female and male selves in a way (I even bought a ring I wear so I’m not without my female side when I’m forced to be my male self).
So for sure, I would be.Slightly different take for me on this one.
I spent almost 30 years in a largely loveless marriage, the last half was sheer misery. (I stayed “for the sake of the children”) Bad mistake I know, but it never would have worked in many other ways if I’d jumped earlier.. EG $$$$$$$$
My ex hated anything to do with CD’ing and intimacy was practically non existant.
So when I got myself into Caty mode, (usually on interstate and overseas business trips), I quite easily fell in love with “the girl in the mirror”
She was my “outlet” and stopped me from “straying further afield”
These days I have a lovely and loving partner, who whilst she knows, but wants nothing to do with Caty, but at least does not kick up a fuss about it all.
I’ve left “evidence” around sometimes, eg jewellery photos etc. It gets very “Frosty” for a while, but other than that, all is well
Sorry if I strayed off topic..
Caty.Great question. I have offended many by clearly stating I’m not into men. Whether they wear dresses or not.
I look in the mirror and often say, “looking sharp.” Or “dang that makeup job is good.”
I’m not much of a team sportsman. Getting dressed in team locker rooms has never been my thing. Same goes with meeting with other cds, to swap clothes etc.
Anyways. Continue thinking outloud.
One really can’t step foot into the shoes of a women who is married to a crossdresser or trans person.
When I was younger I would have been a goddess, simply spectacular! I would have totally jumped me, no doubt. But time has pasted, and now so would I…. 🥰
loved that question, thanks.
hugs, Evan
I always consider this (transgender) journey to be a journey of healing and self growth. The first step for me was self acceptance. Most of my life, I kept my true self and true feelings stuffed down and that caused self hatred and an aching heart. Learning about self love (as in liking yourself and being kind to yourself) is also a huge part of this for me. When I am dressed up as Amethyst and I look in the mirror, yes I find myself attractive. That is a breath of fresh air compared to the past when I hated my life.
That is yet another deep question from the mind of Carmen. I had to get an aqualung to go deep to figure this one as there are a few angles to look from.
If I am getting this right, you will look at a Trans person who has had all the surgery so effectively a fully functioning woman, and women as a whole. It is this ‘Passing’ to unattainable standard that baffles me. I think you are saying you are not interested in a man that dresses, no matter how good, would not be attractive to you. If you saw a beautiful woman that has that immediate wow factor that you find attractive but turns out to be a crossdresser, is this not contradictory to what you are saying? And is your unattainable standard that you aren’t a functioning woman. When you dress is it not for yourself and a style you are attracted to?
There is attraction in the first contact then there is the intimacy of a relationship, two separate things.
Taste in women is individual and it could be a combination of factors, looks, dress sense, hair color,demeanor, personality, social standing and so on. Sometimes you could have that ‘perfect woman’ image and suddenly something that is a juxtaposition appears and it is that wham moment. Go figure as many can’t. So you wouldn’t see yourself attracted to ‘you’ as there are factors in yourself that aren’t things you are looking for in your perfect partner. She needs to complement you but not be you maybe?
As for partners who know from the start and enter the relationship they will find the whole person attractive, however they dress as there could be other factors in what makes that person attractive to them. It becomes more complex if they have been married for years and this alter ego appears. This forum is littered with experience both good and bad. At the top end are the rare experience where the partner embraces the dressing and shares the life. In extreme cases the partner will in fact fall in love and even remarry. So it is possible that the partner will find the other attractive and be attracted to them.
Phew!
When I dress femme, I look HOT!! And, it takes years off this old, cranky boy. So, I developed quite a love of my feminine-self. I guess I’m “autosexual” (among other things). And I ain’t apologizing for anything!
Barb : )
First off Carmen, you are very attractive and I am sure when you go out in public men find you that way.
I work hard on trying to make my presentation as feminine as possible. Whether it is working or not all you girls out there can be the judge and if I get the courage to go out someday, maybe I’ll get hit on by some guy. Not saying I would act on it but it would be exciting.
So, in my little female world, passing/blending is important to me and with that in mind I have to see myself as attractive to know that I am being as feminine as I can.
Hugs, Liara
Awww, Liara, you’re always so sweet. Thank you, I appreciate that.
And yes, good for you! When I look in the mirror after getting all doll’d up, I do say to myself “damn girl, go out and work it!” LOL… but if I overthink the image of myself, I can see the guy me and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.
This post is really more about digging in a little deeper.
Again, if I were to take emotion and heart out of it, and imagining how to explain to my imaginary partner why I crossdress and what exactly what is my goal out of it (my deep reason), then it’s exactly THAT (whatever conversation I can see myself having with myself that communicates it all correctly) I have to communicate to my (potential) partner.
I can’t just say “I don’t know” when she asks (or angrily demands) an explanation. LOL. I have to be clear, honest, and communicate to her how I would communicate it to myself so I can address any of the fear that I’m sure women feel right at the getgo.
Absolutely!!! I dress to look like the woman I would love to be with. I guess that’s the reason I crossdress. Yes it turns me on to CD.
You are such a deep thinker Carmen and I love it! As a wife and GG I am very curious to read these answers.
Hi Betty,
I appreciate that. It’s my feminine side LOL! I’ve just always been more into the emotional aspect of things, the WHY of everything vs. the WHAT. I may be an overthinker, but I’m a perpetual “what is the underlying reason” seeker of things, actions, behaviors and relationships. I see everything as a learning and personal/professional growth opportunity.
🙂
Ermahgerd! I overthink everything. EVERYTHING. We shall have much to discuss ☺️
Very thought-provoking, Carmen. I am totally attracted to myself when dressed, in every way. So I am simultaneously the man attracted to the woman in the mirror and the object of that attraction. It is both a romantic attraction and a physical one.
You may be familiar with the theory of autogynephilia, which is defined as a male’s propensity to be sexually aroused at the thought or image of himself as a female. It’s a controversial and much-debated theory, and one of the primary objections is the insinuation that cross dressing is almost entirely motivated by sexual urges – in other words, a fetish. The trans community vehemently objects to the notion that it is simply fetishistic activity, and rightly so, because for many it is an expression of gender identity.
I recognize aspects of autogynephilia in myself, but the erotic aspects of CDing are just one part of the experience. I think for many of us there is also a sort of romantic love of the woman we create out of ourselves.
I think it’s fair to say that this sort auto-erotic activity is viewed by most people, especially SOs, as downright
weird,perverted,sickummm, let’s just say highly unconventional. I struggle with it myself from time to time. I can imagine many SOs thinking (or saying), “So, let’s see, you like to get off by dressing in panties and looking at yourself in the mirror?” I can totally understand why so many SOs feel threatened, disgusted and/or simply want nothing to do with it.Maybe this doesn’t really answer your question- just wanted to share some thoughts.
Mona,
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve read a bit on this topic and it is indeed quite fascinating. As the wife and GG, I feel my femininity threatened and I feel some things are a competition even though I don’t want to feel that way. I worry about him looking better in certain things and that I can’t compete. His hips are narrower, he doesn’t have cellulite, he doesn’t have stretch marks from having four children. He can walk in heels that I can’t. If he is able to look better than me and find his female reflection arousing, then where does that leave me? I think it is a common concern of the SO that the CD man will be more attractive and lose interest in the SO. If you can do it better, all by yourself, I am obsolete. Hopefully my husband finds me more attractive than his female self.Hugs,
Betty 🦄Hi Betty, in regards to Carmen’s post, I would definitely find myself attractive as a female. I’m now 72 but I still look pretty good as a female. When I was younger I loved watching my male self become an extremely good looking attractive girl. When I used to spend time in Vancouver shopping and clubbing at night I was hit on often. One time I was by myself going into a restaurant in the hotel I was staying in 2 men were coming out and one of them stopped, looked at me then said to his buddy “she’s cute”, then smiled at me. So what I’ve said above is not a biased opinion on my part. On to what you wrote Betty, when you talked about feeling like it is a competition, it is exactly what my wife said to me. Believe me, from a crossdresser, it is not and never was a competition between us and our wives. From my point of view I love females, how they look and what they wear. I used what my wife wore in my decisions of what styles I was interested in and going to buy. In a way she was inadvertently my mentor when it came to being and dressing femininely. I know that I looked very good presenting as a female. Did I look better than my wife….absolutely not. She used to cause car accidents walking down the street. It was very exciting for me to transform into Trish, no question. But that it was a different type of arousal than when my wife and I made love. Thanks again Carmen and Betty for your posts.
Love,
Trish
Betty,
First, thank you for being part of this discussion. I think I speak for many of us when I say it quite illuminating to hear the concerns (and fears) of an SO with a CD husband.
The level of support we get from our SOs can range from outright rejection to reluctant tolerance to complete acceptance and even encouragement (the latter being the Holy Grail for many CDs).
Regardless of where a couple finds themselves on the spectrum, continuous and honest communication is essential. SOs should be encouraged to ask questions and express how they are feeling at any given point in time. The CD should recognize and validate these feelings and provide honest answers to questions. What the CD most certainly should not do is expect complete acceptance, especially right away. Many SOs need time to process this and that needs to be respected.
I think your fears about being somehow inadequate as a woman and spouse as your husband devotes more and more attention to CDing are shared by many SOs. We CDs should recognize that it is vital to reassure our wives of their primary importance in our lives. More important than CDing and other pursuits.
To my fellow CDs: go out of your way to pay attention to your wives, spark some romance, offer frequent complements on their appearance, establish a weekly date night, take trips together, etc, etc. In short, make sure that she knows that you love her and appreciate her. These are all the sort things they encourage you to do in couples therapy, and they are exponentially more important when our SOs communicate to us that they experiencing the kind of feelings expressed by Betty.
Wait did I say communicate? Yes, I did, and let me repeat: communicate, communicate, communicate.
Carmen,
As Groucho Marx once said, “I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member”.
In other words, when I crossdress, I’m not my type. I may be shallow, but I’m honest. I’m only physically attracted to “younger”, “hotter” female presentations. Being that I’ve been happily, faithfully married for almost 28 years, I’m not going to start acting on my carnal urges. But I can still appreciate the scenery.
And when I say “female presentations”, that includes GGs and CDs. There are many profile pics of members, here on CDH, that would draw my attention. And who knows, if I were 30 – 35 years younger, and better looking, and more confident, one of you might have tickled my fancy.
Much love,
Raquel
Opposites attract. Trust this basic premise in life and you’ll do ok.
Even when dolled up to the nines, I do not find myself attractive. It’s probably in shrink speak one of those self-loathing things. I would bet many can relate.
Whatever the reason, I would not look for someone like myself even if I felt like I looked like a million.
Consider the repair man that just left my home…he was older and sort of cute. He was here to fix my garage door opener. I am dressed up pretty well sans a hair piece but that didn’t seem to phase him…he more than once undressed me with his eyes. I guess the leggings work. He left a cute note and, I expect, a piece of wood. 😉 But, I still wouldn’t…with him.
D
Like many here, I find myself looking in the mirror more and more with every step on this journey. Every new outfit, every new attempt at makeup. Every new pose I can think of. Each time, I say, that works but maybe this part doesn’t. I keep trying and even just today I said to myself wow you are looking good – I would go out with you! Maybe I am trying to create my own ideal woman that I would want to BE with?
Sometimes when I do a really good job on my outfit and makeup, I look in the mirror and say to myself “You are one sexy bitch”. So I guess I could be physically attracted to myself.
I think so. but I think I understand and do not feel creepy about it . I know I strive to look as attractive as possible, and I find this attraction to my own image most noticeable when viewing pictures I have taken. I cannot look at photos of my male self, dislike having my picture taken but I enjoy taking and looking at photos of my alter ego – I do often find her attractive! I reject photos of my alter ego if I can see “me” in them, but the others – they are OK! I’ve mentioned this phenomenon to my wife, and she insist that it is because I am looking at “her” – not “me”. I like this notion of creating separation between the two personas ad recognizing the fantasy quotient helps keep me grounded in reality.
I think once the magical transformation has occured think and have been told i have quite a fit body for a person of my age ( hit 56 the other week) as have been told i look sweet and youthful once war paint and a beautiful dress on. So yes would be the answer to this question. Even still get the odd wolf whistle from time to time ( not sure if that is a good thing or not as unsure whether its degrading or not) xxx
I am not attracted to men I am attracted to beautiful sexy women, or the idea of imagining myself looking like a beautiful sexy woman. There are some younger very convincing crossdressers or trans women that look like genetic women very beautiful and sexy and they are attractive. In some photos I think I look good and I feel for many of us here at times there is a sexual component to how we look and feel when dressed up and when dressed to the nines at home there many times there is a sexual release when dressed to the image of the feminine looking being in the mirror and or my mind as I am sure it is for many others or has been at many times before. But at times that can be sparked by creativity of the imagination. I wonder for those of us that have that release would it be that way if we could then interact sexually with our spouse while dressed as a beautiful sexy woman at times would that then reduce or remove that desire for sexual release when dressed at times. When I do dress in public I have never had the desire to have a sexual release during or at the end of the day or night while out or returning to my room. I know I feel very sexy at times while dressed but when it comes down to it I am not aroused by another man period weather he is all male or dressed. Yet the imagination and desire when dressing at home of the image in the mirror at times there is an attraction and arousal too. Very complex layers within crossdressing as many of us like to feel and look sexy as sexy or as beautiful as we can and some take on the desires of a female who wants to feel courted and may have desires to be intimate sexually with a man. I do not it always comes back for me to looking and dressing like a woman and wanting to be with a woman while dressed which is absolutely a turnoff to my wife.
I think for many who have had the release to the image to some degree many greater than others are attracted to the image of the feminine version of themselves and many would be with that image as a being a woman if that image was passable and authentic if the magic button good be switched to make it possible.
Many times when I’ve seem myself en femme in a mirror, I have been breathless. That girl looking back is me. That’s amazing. What great legs I have, just love those sexy heels, what a great dress, such beautiful hair, prefect breasts. WOW! That’s me, not my fantasy girl. Incredible!
I think I tend to dress or want to dress like woman I admire and would like to look like. I started with Daisy Duke, then became Daisy in a dress. Then I bought things I liked when I saw women wearing them, or just bought things I thought I would look good wearing. I began wearing those things that made me look like a pretty, sexy woman. The kind I would be attracted to and would like to be intimate with.
Yes I was physically attracted to myself countless times. Crazy on so many levels but it is exciting and fun.
That is a GREAT question! Generally, yes, the male side of me would be attracted to me (Tara) in female form because the real root of my crossdressing has always been a way to emulate what I love to see on genetic women. This is what started it for me as a kid – the desire to emulate a woman that caught my eye in one day or another.
Tara
Me? No. Objectively another to whom I was attracted and then found out she was “The Girl With Something Extra”, it could happen…
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