Friends For Life, Or Not?

Being who we choose to be, people don’t always agree with who we are. Those who have come out and lost friends know really just how sad this is. Your life is filled with memories of all the things you did with that friend. Maybe you were even best friends since you were in school. Maybe it’s a friend of which you grew several other friends and lost all due to you finally expressing who you really want to be. Why shouldn’t you?

I have a dear friend who is currently transitioning. She knew a guy since the 7th grade. She’s 50 now. That’s a 43-year friendship. Can you imagine? That’s a long friendship! She came out as trans to this friend last year. As you might imagine, her friend told her that he didn’t think they could be friends anymore. She hasn’t spoken with him since. Six months had gone by. No calls, no emails. No contact at all.

This is a truly unfortunate reality. I, personally, feel that it’s an understandable decision. I couldn’t blame my friend or expect him to stay friends with me. That is a serious decision. Much like the decision we make. It’s hard on both parties.

Koala Swim

I asked Effie her thoughts on the matter. She was very clear in saying that she believes that one shouldn’t give up on a friendship, especially if that friendship is a long one that you have worked to build for so many years just to be destroyed by finally appearing as who you really are. She goes on to say that you should never give up on a friendship like that. That they might just need time to process the changes that are coming. When you think about it, a lot of us have had our whole lives to come to terms with who we are. Some still struggling. But to the friend you are about to lose, it’s all new to them. Like Effie said to me, just give them time and space to process it all. She adds, never give up on that friendship but never stop being you. I could not agree more with her. We are who we choose to be. That, in my heart, should be good enough. Friendship, especially true friendship, doesn’t just grow on trees y’all. Like I said before, we have worked on that friendship for years.

Ok girls, now the end of this story.

My dear friend, Effie Jayne. First of all, is one of the best people I know. It’s her friend I’m talking about. She recently spotted him in his work area. Wondering if she should approach or not for just a moment and then made the decision to walk up to him. She did just that, she walked up to him. Her confidence level high as she is proud of who she is and cannot or will not change now who she really is inside. She approached him and said hi. Her friend turned around to see her. She has changed in appearance as you can imagine. Ok, she’s gorgeous. He turned and his eyes widened. She put her hand out and he greeted her with a handshake. They talked for thirty minutes or more. Her friend said that he’d like to continue their friendship.

Old friends, still friends. Makes me so happy that both Effie and I cried even talking about it. I’m so happy for her. I had to share this story with the beautiful girls of CDH. I got permission from Effie of course. If y’all don’t know her, she was a featured girl not too long ago. Message her and show her some love. As I said before, she’s currently transitioning and she’s just a lovely girl to talk to.

I’m so proud of you girl. You are making your way through life beautifully.

For my lovely friend, Effie Jayne.

All my love,

BAILY MARIE LOVEJOY

Thank you girls for taking the time to read my article and possibly send Effie a note of encouragement and love!

Now please take the time to comment on my article or answer one or more of the following questions:

En Femme Style
  • Have you lost a friend, wife, or significant other by coming out with the news that you are a trans girl or cross dresser?
  • When you came out of the closet as a trans girl or cross dresser, what was the initial reaction to the news by your friend, wife, or significant other?
  • When you became a trans girl or cross dresser, did you have long term feelings of guilt or shame and if so, how did you finally rid yourself of these feelings?

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Baily Marie Lovejoy

Been dressing since I was about 7 years old. 57 now. I d say much more conservative now that I'm older. I'm too tall at 6'2" so I wouldn't pass. My wife knows and is ok with me buying clothes although I don't really wear them in front of her. Only when I first get the outfit. Then I can't help it, I want her opinion. Was on here before and so happy to be back.

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Miss Lollipop
Active Member
5 months ago

Thank you for the share. ..It comes down to this, ‘coming-out’ dilemma once again. I’m no fan of this step. I feel it can be very damaging, not only to the 3rd party, but also to the one who is doing the reveal. I still believe there are much better ways to handle this step that some feel the need to take, but I believe in complete honesty and sincerity that doing the, sitting-down and having, ‘The talk’ thing is dangerous and somewhat reckless. Our enthusiasm and fervour isn’t always reciprocated, let alone even mutually understood. I can see it’s… Read more »

Miss Lollipop
Active Member
5 months ago

Hi Baily!
Thank you too!
I’d hope the article gets approval within the next couple of days. It is under review from the Editor at the moment. How long the whole process is, I have no idea. I believe I entitled it as “Alternative and creative approach tothe coming-out quandary”

I hope it’s of some use if it goes live..
Big hugs,
x Miss Lolli x

Last edited 5 months ago by Miss Lollipop
Emily Alt
Duchess
Active Member
4 months ago
Reply to  Miss Lollipop

I couldn’t disagree more. As a transwoman, not coming out is the opposite of what I need to do. I won’t forfeit my narrative to others. I won’t relegate myself to second-class status. I refuse to walk on eggshells because someone might be offended by my presence. How could advising a trans person to NOT own their identity be good for them? Frankly, I’m annoyed someone on this forum would suggest that. Yes, coming out is awkward. It’s awkward because society says we shouldn’t exist. If we want coming out to be less awkward, more of us need to show society we’re normal human beings. I proudly stand… Read more »

Last edited 4 months ago by Emily Alt
Scarlett398
Editor
Noble Member
4 months ago
Reply to  Emily Alt

Emily, I have to agree with you 100%! I wrote an article entitled, “How To Have “The Talk” With Your Wife or SO” and it happens to be one of the most popular article ever written on this site! Honesty on comming out is always the best policy! Please feel free to read my article Em and you’ll see I’m lined up with your thoughts from top to bottom of my article!

XOXOXO Scarlett

Miss Lollipop
Active Member
4 months ago
Reply to  Emily Alt

Hi, thank you for sharing. There’s different circumstances, always. I wasn’t specifically referring to anyone trans, I just believe it’s not a necessary step for those who see themselves as cd’s. I apologize if what I said caused offence to you personally. That’s not my intent. It’s a contentious and sensitive issue and there will – always – be conflicting opinions…
Respectfully,
Miss Lolli

Miss Lollipop
Active Member
4 months ago

Thanks for replying!
~ I think debate is healthy.

I have the perspective that to out myself, then I’ll just ‘do’ it, take ownership of it ..I see that as far more empowering than putting myself in a position to almost ‘beckon’ for someone’s acceptance by a conversation in an uncomfortable way.

It’s just another attitude and perspective towards the whole situation.
Have a great week!
x Miss Lolli x

Paulette Parfois
Duchess
Member
5 months ago

It is so nice to see a story with a happy ending. It was encouraging and gratifying to see how Effie’s friend was able to put his biases aside and see her for what she is – a true friend. And true friends are so very hard to come by since true friendship is devoid of prejudice, narrow-mindedness and intolerance.

Olivia Livin
Duchess
Trusted Member
4 months ago

Being who I’ve become is important to my wellbeing and I made the choice to be honest with everyone around me so that that can continue and grow. Two friends of mine, one whom I’d assumed would be ok with things and the other I believed would have difficulty excepting and I actually was afraid of problems in our proffessional dealings. I was totally surprised by the first friend going silent for months, he does call occassionally if he wants work done and when we do see each other our conversations include our lives, families, personal health etc.. The second… Read more »

Angela Booth
Active Member
4 months ago

Friendships that are long standing are something to be treasured. We move through life and some new friends arrive, some friends stay and some go. I have some friends I have known for over forty years. The majority are male but I know the wives well and their children. Since I have been out I have told loads of people and I have had nothing but acceptance. The only ones I had a lot of trepidation about telling were my long standing friends. I told a female friend and she was okay but wasn’t really with it. She has seen… Read more »

Clarissa Cross
Member
4 months ago

I told my SO in the beginning of our relationship and her reaction was just like OOhh is that all, I was afraid you would tell me that our relationship ad to end. She has been my best friend ever since and helps me a lot.

Clarissa Cross
Member
4 months ago

Thank You Baily Marie
I decided to tell early because its much easier to cope with a new relationship going into pieces than if has lasted for a long time.

Jane Don
Active Member
4 months ago

Hmmmm–Not coming out-hiding it– If you had a physical “Defect” like a missing toe–(or an Extra one–Would you hide it from your Friend because he might be uncomfortable with it? Would you Never tell your Lifelong friend that your Father was not a Good person (maby a thief/abuser ect ect? How about your “Straght” longtime friend your gay? or a member of your family is gay? What kind of relationship does one have If you feel you Have to keep Secrets?

Jane Don
Active Member
4 months ago

Your welcome–I do hope it helps someone–I too have 0 lifelong friends -hell since my wife died a couple yrs ago, it seems that I have No real friends–I grew up in a messed up family moving place to place–don’t think I learned how to have close friends-

Stevie Steiner
Managing Ambassador
Member
4 months ago

Baily thank you so much for sharing that stoey. Its true, we all will lose friendshios when coming out – i had lost a friend of 20 years after coming out – he literally turned his back on me and refused to even speak. Yet there were other friends who became almost angry with me foekr insulting their friendship by thinking it would make a difference to them. There are all kinds for sure. One other question I will answer…. I did not feel shame at all coming out. Embarrassed at having kept it secret all my life, yes. But… Read more »

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