Hi everyone!

I’ve been reading some CDH articles, forums, and chatting with some of you here. Many of the perspectives shared I find intriguing, sometimes alarming, and I’d like to share some of my own observations.

When I was growing up, I lived in many different settings. My early childhood years were spent in several small towns, on a farm, and then in later years, through high school, we lived in conservative suburbs. My early adulthood years were in the inner city, and shortly thereafter on another farm. My thirties were in first ring progressive suburbs and again the inner city into my forties. I’ve experienced many different cultures and the myriad of ways Trans, cis men, non-binary people and cis women dress, behave, and do what they enjoy doing.

Mainly, what I’ve noticed, especially during the last twenty years is that there’s an increasing blending between the genders. It seems that Trans and cis men, who have faced the stigma the hardest about wearing clothing not made for men are doing it if they want to. Years back, I found a website for cis men who wear skirts. Usually they’d have a man’s shirt on, but they still considered themselves cis men and weren’t trying at all to look like women in any way. Makeup is even being advertised to cis men now. Times, they are a changing.

When I think of my gender as a woman, it’s just something I am. I have many sociological female traits, and I identify with female primary and secondary sex characteristics. Many people have an idea of what a woman is, what a man is, and some even consider the perspective of non-binary people, too. I am a woman. I do what I want, when I want, how I want, and I don’t bow to anyone else in any way.

Since I’m a woman of the Trans variety, I also think about how I could change my primary and secondary sex characteristics. Not all Trans women do it, and it varies quite a bit from one to another. I realize at this point in my transition that there are many secondary sex characteristics that are immovable objects for me. I’ve slowly been accepting this medical limitation and I’m adapting to just being me. Living for myself and not for what others say I should be on account of my gender as a woman. I think that some Trans and cis women do indeed look like Barbie dolls and some look more like NFL players. ALL of them, however, are women. So what really is the difference between all of the genders?

I think the difference is mainly a person…

-Telling you they are a woman.

-Telling you they are a non-binary person.

-Telling you they are a man.

I know this may sound fairly radical to some of you. All genders come in varying heights, shapes, sizes, variations, interests, colors, cultures, creeds, and decorations. Here in the States, we’re currently arguing these principles as we have also been arguing the feminist case for the last one hundred years or so. In my state the legal requirement to defining someone’s gender is by the composition of their hormone levels, coupled with the gender they prefer, and of course the birthing doctors calling us as they see us.

I think it’d be easier to pass well as the woman I am, considering the stereotypical ways the majority of America and the world keep dictating. I guess what I really wish is that people would start transitioning their gender identity definitions into more realistic ones. I also wish it didn’t matter so much. As for me, I’m just going to be me, A Dasia.

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38 Comments
  1. Olivia Faye Marie 3 months ago

    I think the flip side of what defines the difference between genders is how society tells us how we should be and act. in fact I think that’s a part of why we as TG/CD desire to act and look like women, since what we like and do has been and sometimes still is considered unmanly.

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 3 months ago

      Oh sure, Societies have their gender role expectations. There’s so many varieties of gender humans can be: femme, butch or neither. Bravery thankfully exists outside these roles.

    • Amelia walker 2 months ago

      Hi Olivia! That is a very interesting point you make about acting like a woman and it could be a good subject for another thread. Maybe it’s my healthy ego but I don’t recall ever being concerned about my masculinity, without being overtly feminine I have been me. I collect cute soft toys, love musicals, soccer, and the ‘Wild West’ in movies and documentary, Kawali (romantic Japanese schoolgirl drama) anime.

  2. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 months ago

    Dasia, what a great article! You echo the theme of my last media review article https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/be-who-you-are-not-who-the-world-thinks-you-should-be/

    It is only ourselves who can define who we are and the world will adjust as it evolves.
    Cyn

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 3 months ago

      Thanks, Cyn! This is a huge common theme for our community. I go about my life and see this all over the place. Other folx think they know my gender and…get it wrong. If only they’d give me a chance, be patient, my gender would become self-evident. I hope the world will respect us like any other human one day.

  3. Michelle Liefde 3 months ago

    Great article, Dasia. I always find your words to be thoughtful and helpful in my own discovery of who I am. So thank you my friend.

  4. Tiffany Alexis 3 months ago

    Thank you for writing this Dasia. I used to be one of the close minded. It’s only thru meeting real people like yourself over the last 20 years that I was able to open my mind and break that cycle of ignorance, it also helped me come to grips with the fact I am somewhere on that spectrum, and find strength in that I’m not alone. Gender shouldn’t matter like it does. I’m starting to know mine tho finally.
    Tiffany

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 3 months ago

      Tiffany that’s foremost on my mind these days. How and why is it that gender means what it does? I keep reading and trying to understand. I’m glad you find power in my words. Thanks for reading! I’m glad we can come together here and find some solace.

      • Tallia Ronin 2 months ago

        Dasia If your looking for answers to the meaning of gender in this day and age try looking through history while keeping your eyes on who and or what is/was in charge at the time. One of the things I noticed was that the PTB’s (Powers That BE) only want to control the people of the time not allow them to live as the people see fit to live. in other words those in charge want people to do only what they say is right.

        Tallia Ronin

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        I have read through history looking for Trans people. I’m telling cispeople to give me and us our rights, pay us back what they stole from us and leave us alone for the rest of time. Thing is, I’m not in control. I do tell people my pronouns and that I don’t ever want to be called a “guy”. Most put up some guff, but they typically fall in line. If they don’t, then I have nothing to do with them. That’s the extent of my power.

      • Tallia Ronin 2 months ago

        I agree with you Dasia. all I am saying is that it is hard to shake off generations of programming. These days a lot more people are trying to look into the shaded areas of society instead of viewing the world in only black (bad) and white (good) for to long people have let the PTB’s dictate what is acceptable and what is not. Only in the last few decades have people started opening their eyes and looking around and realizing that change is needed despite what the PTB;s say.

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        True, true. I think it’s time Cis folx started reading and tuning in to the way things really are and always have been. It’s starting to happen. #holdingmytorchhigh

      • Tallia Ronin 2 months ago

        Well the PTB’s like to hide in the shadows and in the background and let their sycophants stand in the light to take the blame so I will hold up my million candle power spot light to chase them out of the shadows lol. Watch them scurry around like the cockroaches they are trying to hide deeper in the shadows.

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        WOOP WOOP, yeah…LUV it!!!

  5. Lea 3 months ago

    Interesting post, thank you Dasia!

    I sometimes think, “what makes this feminine” about a variety of things and “why shouldn’t a guy like me wear whatever”, followed by “why does it seem that the gender I portray means so much to other people”. Just sharing my thoughts out loud.

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 3 months ago

      Thanks, Lea! I love your thoughts. I used to think when did gender roles change in western cultures. How did go from frilly lace tunics at court to T-shirts and jeans? I think it may have had something to do with practicality while conquering North America. Have you looked into it?

  6. Amelia walker 3 months ago

    I recall years ago reading about a man who had spent years in a tough British regiment and when he finished his term and returned to civilian life he discarded his male persona to live the rest of his life as a woman.
    In my home town Manchester in England there was a place called “Transformations” that offered to transform a man into a woman, clothes, makeup hairstyling, the full service. A security guard absconded with some money and according to the police was found at “Transformations” disguised as a woman. Of course, all of us on this forum know what really happened.
    I have known many gay men who have raised families and their latter years have come to Thailand to find gay partners.
    The gender spectrum is so varied and should be respected as it cannot be ignored for ever. Forcing people to conform to societal norms decided by some indefinable majority causes so much heartbreak with no obvious benefit to society that if we are to evolve as human beings attitudes must change.
    I note that a religious group determined to send society back to the Stone Age is about to enact a law permitting authorities to stone to death gays/transgenders.
    Sorry to preach but I had to get it off my 40b chest.

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 3 months ago

      Hi Amelia,
      No need to apologize for preaching our stories. My ears never tire of hearing our truths! I’ve heard of “Transformations” and places here in the States like it. Living where I live there wasn’t a place anywhere close to me like it and still isn’t. This is the second time this week someone has mentioned Thailand to me. You live there, right? Enjoying it? I wouldn’t mind living in the Stone Age if it meant transphobes were gone. I tell you if someone tries to stone me, or any other punishment, for being the pansexual trans woman I am…well, that will be their last memory.

      • Amelia walker 2 months ago

        Hi Dasia. Yes! I have lived in Thailand for 13 years now. “Transformations” was the object of my fantasies for many years, ohh, if only? Thailand is the place to be for any member of the LGBT community, no violence no anti LGBT laws, although they can be very prudish, I tried to order some breast forms on line that got refused at customs amongst other innocent stuff they were listed as FORBIDDEN ITEMS.
        I wonder if there were any transgender cavemen? “You’ll have to hunt mammoths without me today boys, I’m staying in the cave with the girls, clothes don’t mend themselves”.

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        Nice! I love your sense of humor!

  7. Proud to know you sweetie! Well expressed thoughts.

    Dave Veronica

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 3 months ago

      Thanks, Dame Veronica! I had my doubts about this subject, but I had to put it out there. I’m getting so tired of dealing with gender issues in public places.

      • Hi Dasia! Hi Girls. I spent time in Thailand/Laos/Cambodia and Vietnam (4 years with the 1st Cavalry and on loan to Green Berets and Air america. I had quite a few occassions to speak with the “Lady-Boys. Very sad life they have. Bankok was very active town for the girls and still is from what I have been told. I wouldn’t call Thailand, by any stretch of the imagination. Yes lot of temples and ancient architecture but is just as modern as any US city and then…lot of ancient beliefs as well. I don’t forsee returning either as was not high point of my early life. Chat at you later……..

        Dame Veronica

      • Amelia walker 2 months ago

        Hi Dame Veronica! It is difficult for Lady boys who although they are accepted in Thai society are not taken seriously. As with most Thais the goal for many is to “bag” a Farang (foreign) partner. I have lived in Chiang Mai for 13 years it is quieter but a bit boring.

      • Hi Amelia! 13 yrs in Chang Mai?? What is your job there????
        I spent time on/off years ago at Udorn and Ubon RTAFB and Colonel Robin Olds TFW with Phantom F-4s. Mostly ash and trash runs with the Cavalry out of Tan Son Nhut and Pleiku. I was Farang Bac Si to them….(Foreign doctor) and GI Joe!! I was involved in some escapades busting child abuse gangs…..sadly, our efforts were a waste of time. So many children were sold to tourist for sex abuse…..yes….I do know the underworld there. So sad……renting/selling themselves for money for family and to survive. My father was with the 2nd Canadian Army in WW2 and was first on the scene at Aushwitz to liberate that camp. He told me what he had seen. I was in on child-sex camps in Thailand and the Killing Fields of Cambodia. Nothing has/had changed.It was all for nothing.

        Dame Veronica

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        Wow, reality bites! I learned about the sex trade from a movie. Here in MN an Indian-American was busted for keeping 4 Mexican-Americans as slaves in his basement. This was in an affluent suburb and was maybe 2 years ago! I sure hope we figure out a better way for us all to survive and thrive!

      • My sister………..I pray to God that none of you ever see or know what I know about what goes on in this world. My heart and soul were destroyed.
        Veronica

      • Amelia walker 2 months ago

        Veronica, I recall reading that “Shell Shock” was nothing to do with shells or gunfire but was a result of not being able to process the effects of war. Despite what you have witnessed and experienced there are many people out there very eager to inflict more of the same, not just on soldiers but on innocent civilians. Is it just possible for cultures that worship masculinity, that the acceptance of the feminine aspect that I believe exists in all men to some degree (The anima) would lesson the urge to inflict the horrors you have been subjected to., I do accept that although the motivations may differ some women are capable of committing atrocities,

      • Amelia walker 2 months ago

        Sounds like a “Blockbuster movie” Dame Veronica. My job is not so grand but I love it, I am but a humble teacher.

      • I had a horrible time re-adjusting to society but society is headed for another blow-out. I retired at 57….heart attacks and move to a very remote place. Something akin to can’t stand the heat….get out of the kitchen LOL. It still amazes me how so many people can’t remember much about Vietnam……as if it never happened. In my opinion, the best movie made about Vietnam was “We were soldiers” with Mel Gibson……..very little to fault there.

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        Oh gosh, so you maybe feel ripped off by folx who’ve forgotten or weren’t there for Vietnam, Dame Veronica? I could see that. It was war, you were in it, hey I’m sorry you feel disrespected.

  8. Mona 3 months ago

    Hi Dasia – such a great article – thank you for sharing it with us. I too take heart in the increasing blending of the genders in the past decade or two, and the increasing acceptance by society. Yes, this acceptance is very slow and it still depends on where you live, but that is the nature of such cultural changes.

    I got a sense of your great courage and determination in this article – I wish you all the best in your journey to acceptance and happiness. You will get there. Love and hugs, Mona

  9. Lucinda Hawkns 2 months ago

    what a great article and live you have had. may i say you look lovely very pretty looking. for me i dress up to be happy and free of depression and panic attacks and most of all letting my fem side out. i have been x dressing for many years on and off, now in my 50s i have been on dressing and under dressing. wife knows and lets me dress up when our last adult child is not home. she has seen me dressed up and also getting dressed up but will not sit and talk like 2 woman or help with make up. i buy my own dresses, nylons,make up, perfume, ear rings, bras,panties,skirts, blouses, and all that . on line buying and in stores. wife knows also of my own attire i have accumulated, i seem to have more then she does and wear them more then she does.

    • Author
      Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

      You have more stuff than your wife!? Oh that sounds about normal. 🙂 My partner is always raiding my closet for clothes because I have, ahem, better taste. I’m super glad we didn’t have kids. Hey do you go out and about dressed femme? If you do…do you prefer skorts, maxi skirts or rompers? I think I prefer, oooh this is tough, maxi skirts but close is skorts. If you were chilling with a woman what do you suppose you’d want to talk about? If you have some coffee or peppermint tea I’d totally hang with ya. I’d want to talk about Athens Boys Choir or about Becky’s butt. It’s SO BIG…

      • Lucinda Hawkns 2 months ago

        don’t we all have more clothing then wife or S.O. i love to keep up with the up date clothing and style when i can, i like to wear skirts at times and dresses when weather is good so both skirts and dresses, i don’t go out in public, i am a closet x dresser so to speak.i did go out but it was Halloween and also to a x dressers meeting called the Buffalo Bells years ago but i was under dressed and when i got there i took off my male cloths and went inside dressed up in a dress and make up and perfume and wig and heels, nylons. had a great time. but know too hard to go to them for it was in Cheektawaga N.Y. at 6pm till when ever it ended. hard to go out when wife now works days and home at night. i would talk about how i feel dressed up as a female, whats new in clothing, what shows we watch, just sitting with a another x dresser talking and enjoying the evening or day being feminine, how we started, how long,

      • Author
        Dasia ThePhoenix 2 months ago

        Ha ha, I suppose that’s true! I call Joan my partner because they’re a unique way of being Trans. Joan is AFAB(assigned female at birth) but is a Non-Binary person. That means they’re neither male nor female and use they/them/their pronoun set mostly but they don’t mind when people use she/her/hers pronoun set on them. What Joan really really minds is sexism, patriarchy, and misogyny. I actually mind that, too, and don’t appreciate that part of being female. But yeah, I remember, pre-transition, when I limited my dressing or was limited. I never went to a CD group. Thought about it, but they were usually far away or at a bad time. Sounds like you have fun with the group you go to. That’s awesome!

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