Pros and cons. Hesitation.

How do we achieve self acceptance?  And how long does it take?  In my case, that would be sixty plus years — sixty plus years of putting Bobbi into a locked corner and rarely giving her time to be the part of my life.  Bobbi has been purged multiple times in my life and for that I am truly sorry.  She has deserved much more from me.  She has never been allowed to be introduced to anyone in my life or to express openly herself in an accepting and supportive environment.

I began seeking counseling and therapy recently in hopes that speaking with someone in a forthright and honest way would somehow help me achieve self-acceptance, and at least some recognition that Bobbi is part of my life.  It is important when seeking counseling that the therapist understand exactly for what you are seeking counsel.  In my case, I certainly was not seeking to be cured, and this needed to be made clear to my therapist.  Neither was I seeking to go into deep psychoanalysis of my childhood in order to “unearth” the reasons why I am transgendered.  I am sixty-two; what does it matter what the trigger was.  The deep and hidden event which may have contributed to this has no bearing on my coming to terms with Bobbi in my life today.  Maybe there was trigger, or maybe I was this way at birth.  It does not matter; Bobbi is here to stay.

What is important now is giving freedom for Bobbi to be part of who I am.  I would like to grant myself the opportunity to blend both my masculine and feminine beings into one whole and happy person without shame, embarrassment and guilt. So how after a lifetime of denial was I going to do this.  It was with this aim that I began therapy with a local therapist who specializes in transgender issues.

At one of my first sessions, my therapist gave me a simple exercise to complete for “homework”.  He asked that I compose a simple list.  What are the cons of my crossdressing, and what are the pros of my crossdressing.  On its surface, the exercise seemed like a very basic and vanilla way to begin one’s self-analysis, but I found it quite useful and helpful once I really drilled into it.

Most of the girls here probably know the list of cons by heart.

  • Secrecy — Secrecy is manifested in both physical  and emotional ways.  The physical arises from the hiding of your bras and panties where not even a police officer looking for illegal drugs would find them.  The emotional being simply in keeping your cross dressing hidden from yourself and the outside world.
  • Guilt — The guilt resulting from secrecy prevents any growth whatsoever in both your life personally and with your significant other.  It creates a false life filled with half truths and equivocation — hardly a healthy dynamic.
  • Fear — Fear is most certainly wrapped up in the equation of cons.  For me, there are the fear of discovery and the fear of rejection from loved ones.  More importantly, there is the fear of actually admitting to myself the truth, “I am transgendered; I am a cross dresser”, and what that truth means to the rest of my life.  That is a lot to swallow and a lot of which to be fearful.

The pros of my crossdressing, however, are a much different story.

  • Honesty — Honesty is looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing in your heart that this is the truth.  It is admitting and accepting who you are.
  • Freedom — Freedom grants the opportunity simply to be the woman you always knew deep inside was a part of you.  It allows you to giving her life after so many years.
  • Joy — Joy is the sheer euphoria and happiness when dressed up.   It is the release from a lifetime of denial.
  • Validation — Validation is knowing that crossdressing brings you so much joy, that the dresses and makeup confirm your deepest suspicions, that you do fall along the transgender spectrum.  There is no doubt anymore.  There will be no questioning.
  • Fun — Everything about feminizing is amazing from shopping for new outfits to spending time on your makeup.  It is a joy.  Surely, something so fulfilling cannot be wrong.

From a personal standpoint, the pros certainly outweigh the cons, which is probably true for many of us.  That, however, is just for us personally.  What about the most important person in our lives, our partners and wives? Coming to terms with oneself is fine, but if you are still hiding your favorite dress under the mattress, then you have not really come to terms,  have you?  Truly, coming to terms must include our partners in life.

Coming out to my partner was the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life.  It was also the most liberating.  When I came out to my partner, it was the beginning of an exciting, yet challenging, new chapter to our lives.  Someone whom I love now is faced with challenges for which she never signed up.  And for that I am sorry.  Coming out, however, is the healthiest and most honest way to live life, and if she loves you and cares deeply for your happiness, then complete fulfillment is within reach.  A loving and supportive partner completes a circle in your life.  The chance to share your thoughts and desires openly can be the most satisfying and rewarding aspect of your self-acceptance.

Coming to terms with yourself is the first step toward a richer and fuller life.  Putting aside the self doubt and guilt is important to embrace fully your second self and your new life as a whole human being.  My journey like so many others is one of several steps and hurdles of which this piece is just one.  Hopefully, I have provided you with some ideas and tools that will assist you on your journey as I have progressed through my own.  Either way, in closing, I would like to offer my thanks and gratitude for the opportunity to share my thoughts.

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Bobbi Scott

Hi girls, Like most of the ladies here at CDH, I've been cross dressing off and on all my life. And like so many of us here, as we've gotten older and the responsibilities of life have lessened I've found the time to explore my feminine side much more fully. I have a supportive SO who truly understands this is part of who I am and while she does not care to participate in my dressing she does make allowances for my need. She loves me and isn't going anywhere so all in all, I feel blessed.

Latest posts by Bobbi Scott (see all)

  1. Michelle Bell 2 years ago

    I started 30 years ago but had to stop. Been married for 15 now and she is just now letting me dress up. She’s gonna help me shop too. I’m Sooo very happy!!

  2. Ang 2 years ago

    Thank you for this article! I am a SO to a CD. Hearing the perspective of it from the other side is good for us SO’s. AND for the CD’s still struggling with talking to their SO hopefully it gives them some points to really think about.

  3. Christina 2 years ago

    This is a wonderful article! I feel the pros and cons list is very accurate for me personally as well.
    Thank you for taking the time to share this

  4. rhonda 2 years ago

    Sure is true to fully enjoy this lifestyle you have to be true yourself an admit who and what you are .

  5. Hello Bobbi Scott. I thank you for your article and insight into this common problem for those who wish to be different. I have been studying this type of psychology for a long time, looking to solve the issue.

    A common thread is we are afraid to offend/hurt others as well as harbor the fear of going against the so called status quo. After all, in Japan the expression is “The nail that stands out gets hammered”! From almost our first day on earth, data is pumped into our brains and this is what we act upon. The powers of others have influenced and pounded into our heads….what we should do, who we should listen to, what to eat, what to buy, whom to vote for. Not doing this makes them upset and we get punished for it. As a species, we are herd type animals….blindly following a leader and marching to his tune. This gives us consistancy and commonality in our lives. We do not like change….it upsets us. The world order wants obedience and admiration of the crowd….those who advocate something different get “Hammered”.

    I have had a long life and traveled far and wide, I have studied different peoples and it is basically the same everywhere. Wars are fought and people murdered, usually starts over the purging of ones fellow citizens in the name of “They are not one of us…they are different”. Then it branches out to other countries.

    As to LGBT and cross dresssing……..we are being different and are upsetting the status quo of our leaders, both Governmental and Religious. We are setting a rogue behaviour that doesn’t sit with our leaders…..we might usurp their control and power and ability to control us. That makes them unhappy. As we age and see more year pass by…we finally wake up and smell the roses…or the rot in society and we won’t buy it. We will do what makes us happy and feel good…we have earned it. Our families have gone thru the years as well but in a lot of cases they are comfortable with the status quo and the young are not taught the history and the truth, so they are hooked in too.

    I fought in a war, I have bucked the status quo and I have found the truth… was out there….now I am a target. But, one hell of a tough target….I won’t yield nor bend and I spread the truth.
    We all must figure out what it good and the best for ourselves. If you are not happy….how can you make others happy…you cannot. If you are unhappy….the vibrations make others nervous. The first thing they say……….why must you be gay…you don’t love me anymore. My ex came out with that too………you want to be gay…you don’t love me anymore. Yea right lady….I spent 45 years doing a job I hated, gave up all my dreams and aspirations to keep a roof over your head, food in your, belly, and clothes on your back, giving you everything….your right…I don’t love you. GEEZ! To thine own self be true….make yourself happy, do what you want… FREE…
    Something to think about……it is your life….you only get 1. Live some of FREE.

    Lady Veronica Groundwolf Knight Templar

  6. Gracie 2 years ago

    I feel guilty about this every. of my life. Even with a very supportive and nurturing spouse. The shame I feel is horrible. I really don’t know how to accept this

    • Author
      Bobbi Scott 2 years ago

      Accepting who you are is so crucial to your happiness. You are feminine and you somehow have to learn to embrace it. There are many many more “gurls” in the world than we realize. We are doctors, lawyers, firemen, teachers, and carpenters.
      Of course easy to say and I feel your pain, I really do. I struggle with it as well. But when I’m strong and accepting myself for who I am my happiness factor is off the charts.
      In our cases, shame is usually the result of being secretive, even with a supporting spouse. But we are who we are and we’re never going to change.
      Peace to Gracie.

      • Gracie 1 year ago

        I really needed to hear that, thank you for saying it

  7. Mikki 2 years ago

    Good morning all. Just hoping to get something off my chest. Not sure where its going but I gotta try. I do not wish to “come out” as such. I really love to doll up. I guess I would call it a casual urge, but when it hits, its like I just walked into a brick wall. Usually when I do dress, its only partly. I love panties, my bra’s, breast forms, hair, fitted clothing, which doesn’t look as good as it used to, but it makes me feel good. I love the way it makes me feel. THere was a time in my married life that my wife seemed to like having a gurl friend. It is not spoken of anymore. When I do bring it up in passing conversation, there is no response. I think she is concerned that it would change me into wanting it all the time and thats not the case. It’s more just for occasional fun. We even had sex together dolled up all the way. I loved that. THere is so much Id like to ramble about but think I’ll take baby steps for now. Thanks for allowing me to do this. Mikki.

  8. Hi Bobbi! What a great article and a boon to our newer sisters! I would say that fear is a common item…going against the mainstream as it were. The only one you need to please is yourself. Going out en femme gets easier and easier the more you do it. Sure….the first time was really hard but once that route is taken, you’ll look back and say…what was I afraid of???? Others can accept you or reject you but it is yourself you must be true to. If others don’t like it….who are they to say so….just ignore them and be joyous unto yourself.

    Go out there and make a statement….I am ME!

    Lady Veronica

  9. Lesa Madison 1 year ago

    Hey Sweetie,
    I felt the same way. When I was younger I had started to explore my feminine side and enjoyed it. It started off simple. Pantyhose. I enjoyed it but was always afraid of getting caught. After I turned 18 years old that side of me was supressed for many many years. From being in a religious cult to the military, That side was deeply supressed. After I left the cult and military, I had gotten married. Was pushed into it by a neighbor and after a few years I started exploring that feminine side in secret. I would always buy the pantyhose and wear them, but due to the cult, I had felt guilty and ended up purging the hose and nylons. After a while I grew to accept that side of my life and started replacing the stuff I had tossed out. Took me a while to figure out what it was I enjoyed about it. My soon to be ex wife, { thats a whole other story} had said she accepted it, but wasn’t very helpful. She did my makeup and hair, but the hair and makeup wasn’t my style. I had bought a very first peice of sleepwear and Lesa was born. I have a new lady in my life who I introduced her too and she has fallen in deeply in love with me and with Lesa. Many many outfits and Stilettos later, My Mom and Grandma know about my Crossdressing and may not agree with it, but they accept me for who I am. Lesa is here to stay. I read your story and can definitely sympathize with what you went thru. I have purged many times as well and it took me a while to come to terms with Lesa and my sexuality. My New Lady tells me that when Lesa comes out, She has a whole other personality. A lot different than mine. I get quick tempered and frustrated easily, but when Lesa comes out, She is more caring and understanding and calm about things. Makes no sense does it? lol. Lesa is here to stay now.

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