How do we achieve self acceptance?  And how long does it take?  In my case, that would be sixty plus years — sixty plus years of putting Bobbi into a locked corner and rarely giving her time to be the part of my life.  Bobbi has been purged multiple times in my life and for that I am truly sorry.  She has deserved much more from me.  She has never been allowed to be introduced to anyone in my life or to express openly herself in an accepting and supportive environment.

I began seeking counseling and therapy recently in hopes that speaking with someone in a forthright and honest way would somehow help me achieve self-acceptance, and at least some recognition that Bobbi is part of my life.  It is important when seeking counseling that the therapist understand exactly for what you are seeking counsel.  In my case, I certainly was not seeking to be cured, and this needed to be made clear to my therapist.  Neither was I seeking to go into deep psychoanalysis of my childhood in order to “unearth” the reasons why I am transgendered.  I am sixty-two; what does it matter what the trigger was.  The deep and hidden event which may have contributed to this has no bearing on my coming to terms with Bobbi in my life today.  Maybe there was trigger, or maybe I was this way at birth.  It does not matter; Bobbi is here to stay.

What is important now is giving freedom for Bobbi to be part of who I am.  I would like to grant myself the opportunity to blend both my masculine and feminine beings into one whole and happy person without shame, embarrassment and guilt. So how after a lifetime of denial was I going to do this.  It was with this aim that I began therapy with a local therapist who specializes in transgender issues.

Exceptional Voice

At one of my first sessions, my therapist gave me a simple exercise to complete for “homework”.  He asked that I compose a simple list.  What are the cons of my crossdressing, and what are the pros of my crossdressing.  On its surface, the exercise seemed like a very basic and vanilla way to begin one’s self-analysis, but I found it quite useful and helpful once I really drilled into it.

Most of the girls here probably know the list of cons by heart.

  • Secrecy — Secrecy is manifested in both physical  and emotional ways.  The physical arises from the hiding of your bras and panties where not even a police officer looking for illegal drugs would find them.  The emotional being simply in keeping your cross dressing hidden from yourself and the outside world.
  • Guilt — The guilt resulting from secrecy prevents any growth whatsoever in both your life personally and with your significant other.  It creates a false life filled with half truths and equivocation — hardly a healthy dynamic.
  • Fear — Fear is most certainly wrapped up in the equation of cons.  For me, there are the fear of discovery and the fear of rejection from loved ones.  More importantly, there is the fear of actually admitting to myself the truth, “I am transgendered; I am a cross dresser”, and what that truth means to the rest of my life.  That is a lot to swallow and a lot of which to be fearful.

The pros of my crossdressing, however, are a much different story.

  • Honesty — Honesty is looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing in your heart that this is the truth.  It is admitting and accepting who you are.
  • Freedom — Freedom grants the opportunity simply to be the woman you always knew deep inside was a part of you.  It allows you to giving her life after so many years.
  • Joy — Joy is the sheer euphoria and happiness when dressed up.   It is the release from a lifetime of denial.
  • Validation — Validation is knowing that crossdressing brings you so much joy, that the dresses and makeup confirm your deepest suspicions, that you do fall along the transgender spectrum.  There is no doubt anymore.  There will be no questioning.
  • Fun — Everything about feminizing is amazing from shopping for new outfits to spending time on your makeup.  It is a joy.  Surely, something so fulfilling cannot be wrong.

From a personal standpoint, the pros certainly outweigh the cons, which is probably true for many of us.  That, however, is just for us personally.  What about the most important person in our lives, our partners and wives? Coming to terms with oneself is fine, but if you are still hiding your favorite dress under the mattress, then you have not really come to terms,  have you?  Truly, coming to terms must include our partners in life.

Coming out to my partner was the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life.  It was also the most liberating.  When I came out to my partner, it was the beginning of an exciting, yet challenging, new chapter to our lives.  Someone whom I love now is faced with challenges for which she never signed up.  And for that I am sorry.  Coming out, however, is the healthiest and most honest way to live life, and if she loves you and cares deeply for your happiness, then complete fulfillment is within reach.  A loving and supportive partner completes a circle in your life.  The chance to share your thoughts and desires openly can be the most satisfying and rewarding aspect of your self-acceptance.

Coming to terms with yourself is the first step toward a richer and fuller life.  Putting aside the self doubt and guilt is important to embrace fully your second self and your new life as a whole human being.  My journey like so many others is one of several steps and hurdles of which this piece is just one.  Hopefully, I have provided you with some ideas and tools that will assist you on your journey as I have progressed through my own.  Either way, in closing, I would like to offer my thanks and gratitude for the opportunity to share my thoughts.

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Lindi
Member
3 years ago

Bobbi, I agree completely about being accepted by ourselves. If we can’t say that I am a transgender or crossdresser to ourselves, we can’t expect other people to accept us.

Stef Smith
Duchess
Active Member
3 years ago
Reply to  Lindi

Me too me too At 52 accepted i like cd ing Its me same guy but acceptance is liberating I did tell my wife she tries to understand I still keep it underwraps to shield my daughters from a confusing image of their dad Ex football player , mans man etc I enjoy the lingerie Its stimulating, sexy and fun I love the contrast of male and female I love the fabrics The style It relieves stress Its against the grain and I like that cause i ve always done everything right So many pros very little cons The religious… Read more »

Sophie Frenchie' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Sophie Frenchie
3 years ago

Dear Bobbi, your article is something I can relate to as I am 64 and only during the early part of this year, did I manage to accept who I am. For me it was also about learning to love myself. I had spent a long time loving others, but even then not fully and openly. A combination of not being happy with myself and not being honest with the people closest to me caused me pain and caused confusion in my life. My immediate families suffered too in this process, but I was unaware at the time. I believed… Read more »

Krista
Duchess
Active Member
3 years ago

Hi Bobbi, Thank You for sharing your thoughts. You have written a lovely article. Just having turned 63 last week, I could very much relate to many of the thoughts you’ve expressed. I’m happy that I accepted myself as a crossdresser years ago. I don’t have issues with cons such as secrecy and guilt. I often leave my female clothes and shoes lying around the bedroom. I’d even be more open about it but my wife, who knows, would rather that I keep it under wraps. Though I still have some fears and challenges. I shop for women’s clothing in… Read more »

Amanda Patrick
3 years ago
Reply to  Krista

Hi Krista, Wow I can really relate to the different spots on the Spectrum. Some times I am going along feeling accepting of my self. I have been out a couple of times and shopped for my self in drab in ladies stores even trying something on recently and then the spectrum seems to change and the fears and challenges remerge for awhile and then fade again for awhile longer. I find when my confidence comes back it does feel great to cd again. My wife has known for a long time about my cd ing so I know the… Read more »

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
3 years ago

Bobbi-I’m sure many hare your feelings and I thank you for taking the time to share your story. It may well help someone else “discover” themselves and allow themselves to be who they truly are! Best of luck as you and your SO enjoy your golden years sharing the true essence of who you are!
Cyn

April (Pacific Princess)
Ambassador
Active Member

Nice article Bobbi. I have gone through a similar thought process about my dressing, and discovered that I like who I am so much better when April is an integral part of my life. Accepting who you are without guilt or shame is a very liberating thing.

Hugs,
April

Grace D
Grace D
3 years ago

Wonderful article Bobbi, it is good to see you are finding inner peace and contentment.

Kris
3 years ago

Hi Bobbi, Thank you for writing such a fantastic article. We are the same age, and it sounds like our lives have been very similar. Big surprise there, right? Early this year I went through this process but not with a therapist. I went through the pros and cons like you did and arrived at the same conclusion. My wife has known about my crossdressing desires since we married 35 years ago, and although she accepted it she really wasn’t fond of it. We had several long talks starting in January in which he told me that I needed to… Read more »

charlie
3 years ago

Thats soo true and helpful thank you very much.

Joni weibley
Joni weibley
3 years ago

Bobbi. I feel your pain and your joy I am sixty and my road through life has been about the same. I have just started to except the female side of myself. Excellent article. Good luck to you I hope all goes well.

Catie Maye
Catie Maye
3 years ago

Hi Bobbi…. It is certainly true that before we can expect others to accept who we are we need to find a way of accepting ourselves. Interesting in recent surveys when crossdressers were asked ‘What impact do you believe cross dressing has on your life?’ The responses were 73% said positive, 19% said no impact and only 8% said negative…and these were from all parts of society. I am, like you, a more mature crossdresser….and it is only in the last 3-4 years that I have found a way to accept who I am…some of that was telling family and… Read more »

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